I could care less about ethnicity. Case in point: My wife of six years is 100% Chinese….
Or should that be “couldn’t care less”?
I am a white woman. When I was a teenager, my parents told me that if I dated a black guy, they’d disown me. When I was in my 20s I did just that–dated, and was engaged to, a black man (relationship ended because of his problems, not skin color). When I brought the man home, the “disown” issue disappeared–they got over it. My younger sister is married to a Puerto Rican, my youngest sister is married to a Filipino/Hawaiian. My parents are fine with that. I guess they grew up.
I would have no problems with my my son dating/marrying someone with a different ethnicity–as long as there’s love and they treat each other well, it’s all good.
I’m multi-ethnic. My parents were met with disapproval when they got married because of the race issue. I take after my darker heritage, my husband is caucasion. Back in my dating days, I romanced guys with a wide variety of skin tones and backgrounds.
I can’t even imagine being upset if my sons or daughters dated outside of our family pool of ethnicity.
No problem whatsoever.
This thread has been very encouraging for me. The fact is, this discussion would have been unthinkable just forty years ago; interracial marriage was still illegal in many states, and was considered shocking, at the very least. The ideas expressed in this thread would have been appalling to a good portion of people in the US, and this discussion would have probably been a lot more heated.
I have high hopes that within a couple of generations, the very same kind of conversation could happen wherein the participants are discussing how much they wouldn’t care if their kids were dating someone of their own gender.
If we can change our attitudes this much in this short a time about this sensitive a subject, I have enormous faith in our capacity, as human beings, to accept each other.
Do I feel negatively towards interracial relationships? No. Inter-Cultural? Yes. I have advised all my friends against going into inter-cultural relationships, particularly white/asian.
Before people have a tizzy fit, I just want to say that I am in an interracial/half-cultural relationship myself. I am a white, born and raised American girl engaged to a Japanese/Korean, second generation guy, born in Korea, but raised here. The only reason I can date Shiki is because he’s mostly American in his thinking and his parents know what Americans are like too. It’s still difficult though and I think that if he were 100% Asian, we wouldn’t get along.
Still, because of his Asian-ness and Asian parents, problems occur. Asian women are expected to be good little housewives and do all the cooking, cleaning, sewing, everything for her huband. My roommate Pam (Singaporian?) is basically a slave to our other roommate (her boyfriend) Denny(Chinese). I have never seen him raise a finger to help her and I wonder how he would survive without her. It’s not his fault, some Asian males are taught not to do “womanly” chores. Shiki said that his grandmother would never let him do the dishes and yelled at him whenever he tried to do them. Since Shiki was raised in American and has a feminine mind-set, he does most of the “chores” in our relationship while I work and bring home the money. His parents are Not Happy about that and we conceal how much work I do and how much cleaning and cooking he does in order to make them happy.
And while his parents tolerate despite the fact that I am white, they tolerate me only to a certain degree. If I were Hispanic or Black they wouldn’t have accepted our relationship. Also, if I were a loud person, or a messy person, or a very confrontational person, they wouldn’t have accepted me and would have been very hard on Shiki. The only reason they tolerate me at all is because
- I mean he’s not gay. (they thought this for a long time)
- I mean babies.
There’s also the little cultural things. Once we went to Japantown and he got annoyed because I talked in a normal tone of voice in the book store, not realizing that you are supposed to speak in a whisper. When a person storms off angrily, Japanese/Korean people follow after them, while most Americans let them go cool off their anger. And other stuff.
I love my Shiki and I would not change him for the world. And when you love someone you have to work through such problems. But it’s difficult, which is why I would advise against it.
Have you seen them? Those ungainly wings! That weird way they creep through the water! And what’s up with the chimney thing? I’ll tell you what, they’re trying to prevent Santa from delivering presents, that’s what! Everytime he tries, they stab at him with those nasty beaks. Evil, nasty, birds!
Zero problems whatsoever. I’ve never dated a white girl, in fact; my first girlfriend was from Hong Kong, and the girl I plan to wed is from India.
My parents have never had a problem with race whatsoever. They had a problem with my first, simply because I was too naive at the time to realise she was rather a bitch, but the subjects of race or culture have only come up if, say, my mom wanted to know an Indian recipie or something like that.
With my current love, her parents were a bit cautious at first, because their daughter wasn’t dating a good Indian boy, but got over that after about two days and now approve of me GREATLY. Her grandparents back in India, having seen pictures of me and heard my broken attempts at learning Bengali, seem very enthusiastic.
We’ve never had a problem with ‘society’ either. No funny looks, no pointing, nothing. Now, whether this is because we live in big-city, very diverse Toronto, or because I’m a big lout who just doesn’t notice, I have no idea. But nevertheless, no problems there.
Interestingly, the biggest (indeed, only) objections we’ve faced were from a few of her friends, at the very beginning of our relationship. From what I’ve been told, they actually tried to discourage her from going out with me, because our backgrounds were too different, and it’d never work. As it happens, I’m perfectly willing to accept, and even revere, our differences. And vice versa. Three years and some talk of marriage later, we’ve heard no more of it from them.
So no, my kids wanting to date other races, cultures, whathaveoyu, wouldn’t phase me in the least, so long as they were treated well. Also, I want to mention that if one of my kids ever came up to me with ‘Dad, I think I’m gay’, I’m pretty sure that my reaction would be something like “Okay. If you want to talk, if you’re having trouble or anything, I’m here for you 100%. Got anyone in mind?”.
I wouldn’t have any problem with my children dating and marrying interracially – heck, I’m a white gal descent dating a Pakistani myself! My family is cool with it, as two of my cousins are married to Hispanics and one aunt is married to a black man. His folks aren’t that thrilled but they’re coming around.
We get along very well, despite the occasional cultural snag. Though he was raised in Pakistan, he adapted very quickly to American life, and even religion isn’t an issue, as he is agnostic and I am an atheist. Maybe we’ll stay together, maybe we won’t; maybe we’ll get married, maybe we won’t; maybe we’ll have children, maybe we won’t. Whatever happens, we’re doing well now, and it’s worth it. That’s the best anyone can hope for, I suppose.
P.S. Odd thought – if we do get hitched, I’m writing a play about it and calling it “My Big Fat Redneck Pakistani Melungeon Pashtun Wedding”. Catchy, huh?
.:Nichol:.
Well ava, your frank post made me a bit sad and I have to reply to it. Quite obviously I cannot help feeling personally involved, my being an Asian guy and all. You made your reasons very clear and I’m grateful for that. I’m not contradicting your personal experience; in fact I must admit that they may have a more general validity. I even recognize some vague elements in my own behaviour or among my related family. (I should add that my mother and sister are very strong personalities who would not tolerate the kind of behaviour you describe, it is more in the area of subconscious expectations).
What bothers me is wthat you seem close to be on a campaign of dissuading anyone of getting involved in an intercultural relationship. That is surprising, to say the least. I cannot see how typical Asian male behaviour has any bearing on behaviour among ‘African’ (if that even exists), ‘Latin’, ‘Middle-Eastern’ males. Furthermore a certain kind of male-dominant behaviour is an unfortunant presence in American culture, as well as in European culture (which are not much closer than ‘Latin’ and ‘American’). Why would you go to such lengths in your recommendations?
While you are certainly not being racist, the kind of intellectual leap you take from your own experience to a very wide generalization betrays to my mind the prior influence of a pre-set idea of what is standard and what is deviating. I find that troubling, to say the least. I’m aware that this is an easy way to think and I am certainly not free from that myself, but I hope that on reflection I would be able to shake it off, at least when it comes to actually acting on it. See Priceguy’s excellent posts for a thoughtful way of recognizing and coming to grips with preconceptions which you may for entirely valid reasons hold. (and Priceguy, my reaction was only because I was afraid I’d have involuntarily slighted you. These matters can be quite touchy for some people)
I do not want to say that interracial relationships are easy. They may (especially when first-generation immigrants are involved, be they the parents or the persons themselves) have their own specific problems. But I should remind you that every relationship has such problems. When you get close to someone else you will notice that he/she has his/her own quirks which may go from funny to irritating; the inlaws may be intrusive or hostile. I don’t know about your previous relationships; they may have out of luck been very harmonious. But to me it seems as if you are putting all the current problems in your relation on the issue of culture. I hope, for the sake of your relationship and for your own perspective on things, that you will someday try to see whether that is entirely fair. Given your description I hear a relationship which in your view is trying to survive under a big looming shadow of a perceived cultural clash. That is not something I’d wish for anyone.
This is turning into a hijack, so I’ll stop now. I hope I’ve not come off too critical, that was not my intention. I have my own stake in this matter, which makes it hard to be objective. It sure doesn’t make me happy to think it necessarily has to be the way you describe. But I do hope that you would give the matter a moment’s consideration from what I’ve said here. Your relationship may be burdened, but you shouldn’t let any frustration be vented in an unworthy manner. I hope it all works out for you.
Alrighty. Top left, me. Top right, my girlfriend.
Let’s skip, for the moment, the question “How on earth did that slightly chunky pasty white guy get his paws on such a beautiful woman?”, OK? 
The first time my girlfriend came over to the Netherlands, I took her over to my parents. On the way over, she asked if my parents objected to me dating someone who wasn’t white.
I was flabbergasted: the thought hadn’t even crossed my mind. Granted, I’d never taken home a non-white girl before, but I knew for sure that my parents would NOT object in the least. The sad thing is, that the thought crossed her mind: it speaks volumes of what she went through in her life. Things that are completely alien to someone like me, always blissfully living my life as the majority: a white male in the Netherlands.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty of racism in my country, as TTT already pointed out. But it sure as hell isn’t happening in my family, that’s for sure. At the same time, I should count my blessings: I have plenty of friends whose parents would have reacted reluctantly to the announcement of a non-white boyfriend or girlfriend. Not that they’d denounce it outright, but hesitation? Hell yes.
So, should my potential future daughter (who’d be a beautiful shade of beige :)) come home with someone, I can guarantee you the young man (or woman) would be judged on his/her personality alone. Of course, when I get a daughter, I’ll be suspicious of anything with a penis, regardless of race or ethnicity. 
And TTT? Are you really Dutch? I mean, obviously you’re Asian ethnically, but were you born and raised here? If so, my hat’s off to you: your English is simply impeccable. And, you’re an asset to these boards, judging by your posts in this thread. Welcome aboard!
This may sound horrible, but I am just trying to be honest. I am white, and personally have been attracted to all races of guys: black, hispanic, asian, etc. And I don’t think I would care if my daugther or son dated or married a person of another race.
BUT theoretically, I don’t think I would want to marry and have children with someone of another race. And here’s why–it may sound very bad and selfish but here goes:
You see I have always loved the way that we all look alike in our family. I look just like my mom. My mom looks just like her parents. My cousins (13 of them) all look similar. We all have the same colorings and traits, etc. I always loved it (as did my mom) when people told us how much alike we look. Someday I hope to have that same joy of people telling me that my daughter or son looks just like me. I like the fact that as children, we all had blue eyes, and blond hair. We all have the same facial structure and eye color (we are of Irish heritage).
Anyway, what I am trying to say is that I hope to have offspring that look like me. So if I married, let’s say…a black guy, and had kids, chances are they would look black, and not have blue eyes or blond or light brown hair, like most people in my family. And I would not get the joy of having a little child that I could see myself in.
You see, usually when there is a mixed black/white person, they look black or light skinned black, not white. Take Halle Berry for example. I would have never known she was half-white until I saw her white mother on TV. They look nothing alike. Of course Halle Berry is absolutely beautiful, but for some reason I just have this urge that I want my offspring to look like me.
Am I horrible for saying this? I have even thought the same thing about guys with brown eyes, which is usually a dominant gene. I have always thought that I wanted to have kids with a guy with blue or green eyes, so I could pass my family’s beautiful blue eyes onto my child. I would feel strange if my child had brown eyes, when everyone in my family has blue.
Does this make any sense? Am I horrible? Or just very selfish? Of course, if I fell in love with someone, it would not matter what they looked like. I would not rule someone out who was another race if I loved them. However, I remember always being excited because my (now-ex-) boyfriend of 9 years had blue eyes and dirty blond haire, so I thought we would surely have kids that would look just like both of us.
This is a hard one. It is filled with facts and information I have not even dug into, so it is hard for me to say.
I am not racist. There is no place for Racism anywhere. And as I understand (correct me if I’m wrong) but can’t certain interracial relationships cause birth defects and such? If they do, then that is something you should inform your child before they get into a relationship. It is their choice. And If they love that person, good for them. True love is not what lies on the outside, but what lies within.
I am all for interracial relationships as long as the person who is brought home to me is an all around good person.
birdgirl, I’d only ask you to remember that eyes and hair are not the only things that are inherited. There’s no reason your children couldn’t have your family’s distinctive facial structure (or blue eyes and light skin, really). Your children could easily look like you.
I’m sorry, sometimes I am not very clear. Obviously, not all Asian guys are bad. My sister is dating a Korean guy who’s parents are a little more modernized and they have a wonderful relationship and I’ve dated guys directly from Japan that were absolutely wonderful boyfriends.
I think the reason why I am so negative towards a lot of my female friends dating Asian guys is because they are anime/jrocks fans and you can imagine the “real” reason they want to date those guys. I’m sorry, I should have made that more clear.
I also realize that things aren’t as difficult now as they were before and Koreans are becoming more accepting of interracial relationships. I think it just gets on my nerves when we go to Korea town and get negative stares. ^^;;
**
When I think inter-cultural, I am thinking cultures very far apart.
Like a culture where women are expected to be subserviant and a culture were women demand partnership. Or a culture where people are more quiet compared to one where they are louder. In my post I was refering Asians (Korean/Japanese. Sorry, I probably should have specified more, I understand that each culture is different) who have a more “traditional” mind set. Sorry if I was not clear about that. I have a lot of Asian male friends who are dating white females and their relationships are just fine. ^^
I think it’s just because Shiki’s parents are so “traditional” that we run into problems.
**
I think that this relationship has made me realize how different some cultures are. Before I entered into this, I had no idea that such huge differences existed. It’s fun to learn about Korean/Japanese customs. But again, I caution against it if the cultural differences are strong. I have friends who are in such relationships anyway. (I don’t think that my own relationship is an example of one where the cultural differences is too great. It’s just annoying at times) My friends love each other anyway, but it saddens me to see their families reject them.
**
This is the best relationship I have ever had. It’s why we are getting married. I gave the impression that my relationship was negative because of those things, but they are mild annoyances. If Shiki followed the same belief system as his parents then I think it would be too much. But, as it is, he doesn’t mind doing housework and cooking for me. ^^
I just think that some people don’t realize how difficult such relationships can be. I gave some examples of conflict that probably a person who hadn’t been in an inter-cultural relationship would know of. Before I got into this serious relationship (the ones I had with other asians before weren’t very serious) I had no idea all the cultural conflicts!
**
I’m sorry that I wasn’t clear. I don’t view my relationship as a burdon, but as something wonderful that saved my life. Yet, I know that if I had been mexican or black, I would not have been able to experience the joy that I feel now.
In order to be with my Shiki, I moved across country on a whim and without a place to stay. I’d also advise against that. ^^;; But look how wonderful it turned out.
I think that inter-cultural relationships should be entered into with caution and lots of conversation to avoid the misunderstandings that are bound to happen if one person (or either) has had no experience with that culture before.
but I would only have a child with a woman of my own.
Thanks for you reply, Ava, that made things a lot clearer. I agree that when parents are very traditional (and I should add, rigid in their adherence to those traditions, since not every traditional person has to be that way), it will put a major stress on the relation. I’m very sorry that you find yourself in such a situation, but I’m glad to hear that in practice the benefits outbalance these annoyances. As you mentioned, much depends on the matter in which the persons themselves have taken their distance from certain traditional viewpoints.
In fact I share your viewpoint that people should be aware what complications may follow from certain cultural differences (for personal reasons it is in issue that has been lately on my mind as well). What worried me was that your previous post seemed a bit unbalanced; your response set things straight.
Thanks again, and congratulations with your marriage.
No more than intraracial relationships can. Human being of all races are genetically almost identical (hence rendering the concept “race” somewhat obsolete in a scientific sense). We all have the same chromosomes: the differences lie in very subtle discrepancies in DNA. The stuff that determines skin colour, et cetera. You suggestion is akin to saying blond people shouldn’t mate with redheads because there would be an increased risk of birth defects.
I have three kids. None of them really look Japanese, but 90% of people comment on how much my sons look like my husband. And my daughter is the spitting image of my mum and cousin.
You can never assume how your kids will look. I thought my kids would look nothing like me because of strong Japanese genes. Boy was I wrong!!