how do you tell someone who's being sweet that you don't appreciate it?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

everyday my s.o. brings me breakfast. always some variation on the egg-bacon sandwich concept. when he first started doing this, i thought it was sweet. i didn’t care that i don’t particuarly care for this kind of food.

but he brings me the same food everyday. he doesn’t ask what i want. when he does, i invariably tell him that i want something sweet. donuts, cinnamon rolls. i do eat koloches. but i never, ever ask for egg sandwiches, breakfast tacos, or any variation thereof because i don’t really like them.

but i can’t bring myself to tell him this. i feel like a jerk for not liking what he brings me. what can i possibly say when he was sweet enough to buy me a breakfast taco and the smell of it is making me sick?

we had this same problem when looking at engagement/wedding rings. i didn’t like the ones he picked out, but i couldn’t make myself say so. i just said, “that’s pretty.”

i feel like a creep. :frowning:

2

(ps, when he asks what i want, he does bring what i asked for. it’s just that most days he simply shows up at my desk with food.)

3

You could always try redirection. Tell him you’re getting a little burned-out on eating the same thing every morning, and see what he says. You’re not being dishonest.

4

FOR GODS SAKE WOMAN!
I dont get this! How long have you been married?
You should really be able to tell your spouse what
you like.
You’re very lucky to have such a sweet husband, but
why keep him making the effort if you dont even appreciate
it? Thats not very nice! (For shame, for shame… :))
Hello! He probably thinks you DO like it!
The trick is to nip this in the bud without ever divulging
that fact that youve let this go on too long. Tomorrow
morning, before you go to work, mention something about
having a sweet tooth, or a craving for honey buns, or whatever. He’ll then bring you something sweet. When you get home, tell him that you enjoyed that particular item.
Make a few more comments here and there, and the problem
should solve itself.
Another trick is to ask him what he wants for dinner,
or what he wants for breakfast, or to watch on TV,
whatever. Just start the “what would you like” dialogue
more often, which will
a) get your focus more onto him
and
b) hopefully get him mirror your actions and start asking you.
I’m not even going to get INTO whether or not the poor
man paid thousands of dollars for a ring you didnt even
LIKE. WHEW!!!
:slight_smile:

5

scredle, i’m not married. that’s why he’s my s.o. and not my husband. also why we’re looking at engagement/wedding rings. and i know it’s not nice to keep letting him buy things i don’t like. today he wasted money on food i couldn’t eat.

it’s just that i’ve never been able to tell someone who was doing something nice for me that i didn’t like it. i still can’t tell my grandmother that i hated the prom dress she made for me.

as for your advice, i thought i was already doing all of that. :frowning:

6

(oh, and don’t worry. i didn’t let him buy a ring. not that we were looking at anything worth several thousand, but still…)

7

The engagement ring my husband got me was something that I never would’ve picked out for myself. But you know, I loved it. And I loved it because it was from HIS heart and it was something he liked and it was something that he gave me to show his love and affection. It could’ve been the ugliest thing in the world but I happily wore it because it was from his heart.

But that’s just me.

8

Oh wow-you’re right! I missed the s.o. part and honed straight in on the “when we were looking for rings” part. I’m sorry about that!
Well, still, I think that if you just say something about having a morning sweet tooth, that would do the trick. Maybe say the woman near you comes in to work with the most wonderful looking danishes, or something? Subtle, without divulging that you havent wanted what he brought all this time. Just pretend like your tastes have shifted-and then assure him youre not pregnant! :wink:
Oh-and as to your prom dress-is its any consolation, theres probably not a woman alive who doesnt think her prom dress was hideous after a few years!

9

and if he’d just gone and bought something for me, i’d have felt the same way. i was engaged once before, and the ring was ugly. but it was from someone i loved and i thought it was beautiful.

but the current s.o. took me with him and asked my opinion. i was stuck. i couldn’t tell him what i really thought of the rings, because i just wanted a ring from him. but all of the ones he picked out were awful. i really do wish he’d just pick one out on his own and not ask my opinion.

scredle, you’re so sweet. trying very hard to help me. i can’t lie about another “woman at work” because he can see my desk from where he sits. we work together. also, i am pregnant.

anyway, at lunch he had to borrow money to buy a drink, and mentioned that he spent the last of his money on breakfast. and his face dropped and he muttered, “which is still sitting on your desk.”

i felt so guilty, i just told him. and he got pretty upset. for one he was upset because i didn’t tell him before. secondly he was upset because he says i don’t eat right, and that’s why i’m so tired all of the time and i have to think of the baby. i didn’t eat anything for breakfast because i felt guilty over not eating what he bought, and that upset him, too. he says i need to eat. and, of course, the whole bit about him having wasted his money this morning.

i felt like total shit and nearly started crying in the breakroom. i only didn’t because there were people around and i hate that. and now he keeps looking at me and making smiley faces, trying to tell me to stop feeling bad and cheer up.

sigh.

10

Angel,
I was going to suggest that tonight, when you get home, you lean over and give him a kiss and say
“Thanks for breakfast again, sweetie. You’re so good to me! It was yummy, but I’m getting tired of egg and bacon. Tomorrow, can I have… instead?”
or
“It was lovely, but since I’ve been pregnant, I find egg and bacon a bit heavy for the first meal of the day”
or
“Yum! It was delicious. But you know what I’ve been craving…”
or
“Why don’t I get breakfast for YOU tomorrow - I want to get you my favourite, …”
Any of these in a playful, lighthearted manner shouldn’t offend. You don’t need to say you don’t like egg and bacon, just tell him you want a change.

11

First, you need to learn that asking for what you want is not only ok, but the only way to have a good relationship. The following is a quote from an article on death and conscious living:

I posted a link to that article in this thread. I recommend that you read the article and the other posts in the thread.

I also recommend that you practice asking for what you want every day. Ask yourself, “What is the worst thing that can happen?” You may be afraid that the other person will be angry, or not love you anymore, or make fun of you. Talk this over with your sweetie. You will probably find that your fears are far worse than the truth. I came from a family that doesn’t ask for what they want, and I had to train myself to do it. What I found was that my life and relationships were better, because I was being myself and wasn’t accumulating unhappiness.

Finally, tell your sweetie that You Are Pregnant and that he is not to comment on your eating habits. That is between you and your doctor, and if he does it again, you are going to throw up on him. :smiley: Don’t feel guilty about how you eat - really strange things are happening to your body and you need to be the person who decides what is going in your mouth. Your doctor is the only other person who should have a say in what you eat.

12

abuse angel, this is not a terribly difficult position. It really is easy to fix. The very next time that the subject of food comes up, say something like this:

“You know, I used to love the egg and bacon sandwiches you brought me (yeah, its a lie, whatever), but since I got pregnant, the smell of them has been making me physically ill in the morning (it is not particularly important if this is true or not, btw). I appreciate the thought, and promise that we’ll go have wild monkey sex as soon as possible to show you how much I care. Now, while the sammiches have been, quite possibly, the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me, they have to stop. I agree that the I must eat, and well, to take care of myself and the baby, and I plan on doing so by listening to what my body wants. And what it wants in the morning is donuts. Possibly danishes. Even better, cinnamon rolls. Go forth, be the mighty hunter, and acquire them for me, please. Any discussion in this matter will upset me a great deal, so go acquire them now”

Trust me. I am both married and a father-to-be. You can play the pregnancy card until several months after the child is born. Also, it has been my experiance that being subtle does not work. Subtlety is completely wasted on men.

The guy obviously wants to do whatever he can to make your life better. Give him a little help, just a little bit, and you and he will both be much happier.

13

[Ann Landers as Neanderthal pose]

Fucking right, that is why we would say “Babe, enough with the bacon and egg sandwiches”. If you are old enough to have a S.O. and be shopping for a ring, you are old enough to assert yourself a little. HE WILL APPRECIATE IT. Get in the habit – stop relying on telepathy. Your assuming he can read your mind is a false assumption – you are setting yourself up for problems in the future if you don’t start using your language skills for their main purpose… to communicate your real intentions and feelings to others.

[/Ann Landers as Neanderthal pose]

14

<theatre major Neil Simon mode>

Mr. Cornell, I have tried to be neighborly, I have tried to be friendly, and I have tried to be cordial.

</theatre major Neil Simon mode>

Just ask him to bring you sweets because you’re seriously craving them. Ask nicely. Don’t say, “Your breakfast tacos make me want to puke.”

15

ya, what Bashere said. Play the pregnancy card as much as you want for everything. Congratulations by the way. It sounds like your SO is relishing his role as a father-to-be, so give him some Mastadons to slay. My wife ran me all over for different things in the middle of the night, and while I didn’t exactly like being woken up at 3:00 am to run to the store, but it did make me feel productive and useful even though my wife was doing all the work. Ask for foot rubs and all sorts of stuff, and your SO will probably be grateful to have something concrete to do for you.

16

Like they all said. Ask for what you want, with an I-statement, and with affection and honesty.

“Darling, I love it that you look after me so sweetly, but I would really prefer sweet things for breakfast. Are you willing to bring me cinnamon rolls or koloches instead?”

The success you get from this will be really helpful when the time comes for you to say:

“Darling I love what a great lover you are, but I really would prefer it if you didn’t xxxxxxx all the time. Are you willing to xxxxxxxx my xxxxxxx instead?”

and

"Darling I love it that you find me sexually attractive, but it’s hard for me to get in the mood on Thursdays after a 12-hour shift with the children. Are you willing for us to have a date for Friday night instead? "

I have learned how important honesty is in relationships. Be truthful, and you will have many fewer wrinkles, and a much stronger bond.

Ol’ Uncle Redboss

17

Heh, sometimes I wish my spouse was LESS open.

18

Okay, not knowing anything about you or your SO, I’m still going to give you the advice I think works best. I believe this because, unless someone is a total jerk, or so sensitive they can’t handle anything at all negative, it will be the quickest, most painless resolution.

Also, if your SO is a total jerk, or so sensitive he can’t handle anything at all negative, you should run, not walk, as far from him as possible.

OK

Next time he brings you a bacon and egg sandwich, or the like, make sure you’re really appreciative. Acknowledge that he’s the sweetest, most thoughtful guy around, and that you’re touched by his gesture. Then apologize briefly (and I mean briefly. “I’m really sorry, but…”) and tell him you just don’t care for these kinds of breakfasts. Then suggest if he still wants to get you breakfast (and you’d love to have him keep bringing you breakfast, because it reminds you of what a swell guy he is and what a lucky gal you are), you really like glazed donuts (or cinnamon rolls, or whatever).

Trust me. He’ll know you’re sincere in your appreciation, and while he may feel like a bit of a doofus (“huh? I thought everybody liked breakfast burritos.”), he’ll know that you’re being honest and straightforward, and he’ll change his habits because he really is a thoughtful, sweet guy and wants to do right by you.

Because, dig this: he thinks he already is doing right by you. It’s up to you to tell him he could do better. And that’s good information for him, and not a bad thing for you. Being coy or playing games or trying to redirect all this is deceitful. If it came out, it would hurt him even more. Trust him to be mature and intelligent and just tell him, in the nicest, most appreciative way, what you’d like.

It’s worked for me and Mrs. Dave-Guy for 19+ years.

19

i think the weirdest thing is that i’m usually not shy about what i want. it’s only when he’s doing something he didn’t have to do, it’s like i feel ungrateful that i didn’t want what he brought me.

but, like i said, i told him about it yesterday. and today he gave me a kolache for breakfast. :slight_smile:

20

Angel,

From a few things you’ve said, you could very easily fall into a pattern of simply accepting, and never saying what you really want. Although it sounds like you’ve taken some good steps. You should never be afraid to say something really important to you, for fear of how someone else is going to react. You are NOT responsible for someone’s else’s feelings. This is the road to co-dependency. This of course, doesn’t mean be deliberately hurtful. But you have to be upfront about what you want. Even something as simple as a breakfast sandwich.

As for the ring, if he’s like me, the most important thing is to find one that you like. “Buying from the heart” is not always a very straight forward issue. And sometimes feels like I’m being told, “I don’t care what you get, it’s not that important”. But then… I’m a guy. :slight_smile: