Not at all. I’ve asked out quite a few women since then. Some have said yes, some have said no; most of them seemed to know that it was a “date”. I just found it ironic that posters were saying “make it unambiguous”. I tried that; it was still ambiguous.
Honestly, I’m really just asking about how far in advance to invite her.
Based on your brief description, she (the woman 25 years ago) was either completely socially oblivious or just a jerk. I think you should not extrapolate anything from that undeserved experience about social interaction with normal people.
If you say “a date”, and “just the two of us”, it’s completely unambiguous.
Certainly not a jerk. We’re still friends, although she the lives on the opposite coast now. And her husband is dealing with some pretty serious health issues, so no time to visit or chat. She did cop to being oblivious, although not quite so far gone that one guy didn’t get through to her.
All I extrapolated from that occasion is that these things are almost never completely clear and straightforward. There’s always a chance that things will be misunderstood, and I think I might be more prone to that than most folks.
Only speaking for myself - but saying " “hey, I have these two tickets, I have a friend who’d be willing to go, but I thought you’d enjoy it. You don’t have to tell me for sure now, just let me know 2 or 3 weeks (or whatever time) before” would put me off too. I don’t need to know your backup plan, I wouldn’t assume that you needed a definite answer right this minute for a concert over a month away and it wouldn’t take me three or four weeks to decide. Just tell me the name of the band and the date. If I’m not interested in you or that band or know I have a conflict on that date , I’ll decline right away ( and most likely tell you why) . If I am interested in you and the band and know I don’t have a conflict , I’ll accept right away. The only circumstance when I wouldn’t decide right away is if I don’t know whether I have a conflict - in which case I will say something like " I don’t know if I can get that day off from work, can I let you know next Wednesday?". Giving me a deadline in the same sentence as you’re inviting me would make me feel as though you think I would leave it up in the air until a couple of days before the concert, when any decent person knows not to dither until you have little chance of finding someone else to take the ticket.
So don’t introduce the unnecessary and irrelevant complication of a concert or play for a first romantic date - which she might be interested in for its own sake, and might be something she’d want to go to as platonic friends. The critical piece of information here is not whether she wants to go to a concert, is it?
What you want to do at this stage is simple. You want to tell her you are romantically interested, and ask her if that interest is reciprocated. There’s a socially accepted unambiguous way to do that, using words.
Once you both have that information (if the answer is yes), the logistics of arranging to do specific things together - whether it’s going for a quick drink, going to a concert, or quitting your jobs and circumnavigating the world on a motorbike - become really much more straightforward.
Well, it’s good to hear that you and @MandaJo are so forthright and decisive when it comes to being asked out to a big event like a concert by a casual acquaintance. I don’t know if that’s always the case, though.
It’s admittedly been a long time since I dated, but it seems like in the OP’s situation, wherein they have a casual work relationship, (1) giving the person plenty of advance notice of the event, and (2) not putting them on the spot to have to accept or to decide right away, is a good way to handle the situation.
OK, maybe don’t tell the person you have a backup plan, but I don’t see why, for a concert six weeks in advance, saying “you don’t have to give me an answer right now, let me know a couple weeks before” is giving them a deadline.
If the point of this whole exercise is to express and gauge romantic interest – which it does seem to be – why not just ask for a simple date now and have concert date as date #2 or #3 or whatever if things work out? I just don’t understand this waiting and this long planning. My wife was annoyed enough it took me a week to ask her out – I can’t imagine six weeks or, as it seems in this case, years. If I had waited much longer, she’d’ve been with someone else. (Similarly, my dicking about a year previous to meeting my wife caused me to lose my window of opportunity with a friend of mine, but it all worked out for the best in the end. She married the man she met while I was hemming and hawing, and I got to meet my wife.)
So, yeah, I’m definitely of the carpe diem bent on this. And more quickly done, the more quickly you can move on in whichever direction the response takes you. And, no, it doesn’t have to be ambiguous. Using the word “date” does kind of remove any plausible ambiguity. (To be honest, though, I’m not sure I’ve ever actually used that word, but I’ve never been misunderstood.)
fwiw, I’ve gone to several concerts and shows with a platonic friend. I feel like the show makes it LESS of a romantic ask, since it might well be a shared interest, or a desire to have company at the concert. Whereas when I have a dinner date with a male friend, we usually unambiguously include my husband, or his partner, unless we are both off at a conference or something. I think a one-on-one dinner date in your home town is a clear indication of romantic interest.
Agreed.
I was all set to ask her out, then the pandemic happened and the club closed. It stayed closed all last year, and the woman in question didn’t play during the first half of this season (October-December). I only saw her once until just last month.
Because on some level it assumes that if you didn’t say that I might
either of which I would find mildly insulting. Sure, there are people who do those things- but that doesn’t mean I won’t be insulted if you seem to think I am one of them.
I was reflecting that OP might benefit from a singles bar that I remember from the 90’s in London… and remarkably, even though I couldn’t remember the name, I immediately found a youtube clip about it.
It had a phone on every table, with the number for each table prominently displayed. If you see someone you fancy, you phone them and chat them up. I always thought it was a fun idea.
To make it even easier, use the standard high school procedure. Don’t make the call yourself, have your best friend call her best friend. “Allo luv, my mate fancies your mate. Ask her if she fancies him.” If all is copacetic, snogging behind the bike shed ensues.
Wow, I disagree with just about all of this.
If you say “yes,” you are committed. If you are so worried that something better might come along later, you shouldn’t accept. Accepting an invitation then feeling “trapped” means you weren’t really in it to start with and you may be the type of person that shouldn’t make plans and just go with whatever comes up.
People seize an opportunity when it comes along. There is nothing wrong with, “Hey, I’ve got two tickets to this concert, would you like to go?” How is that presumptuous or guilt trip? You should be flattered that of all the people he could ask, he’s asking you. (OTOH, I would not say, “I bought two really expensive tickets to a concert assuming that you would go with me, whattaya say?”)
Well, it’s all about perspective, which is why human interactions are so complicated. Were you the OP, at least you would find out right away that we are totally incompatible. LOL
Also, agreed. I had a male friend that I attended plays, concerts, etc. with and only with platonic involvement.
There’s so much overthinking in this thread. RA, ask her two to three weeks before the concert. Then a reminder a few days before in the form of “What time should I pick you up/meet you in front of (the venue)?”
Even if she doesn’t realize it’s a romantic date, you can have dinner for the next one. I dislike the awkwardness of dinner for a first date. I feel so on the spot to provide interesting conversation. I’d rather learn things organically by conversations that happen while doing something else. Then there’s at least one topic of conversation for a dinner date. This concert is perfect because it gives you two topics for dinner (including your shared interest, curling).
Have fun!!
I had a friend of mine call me last month (January) to ask if I wanted to go to a concert with her in July. I am sure we will be in touch again when it gets closer to the date, to work out logistics.
My advice: Ask her ASAP so she can mark her calendar (or so that you can make alternate arrangements if she’s not free or doesn’t want to go). Then get in touch closer to the event to work out the details of what time you’re leaving, who’s driving, if you want to have dinner beforehand, stuff like that.
The time range is proportional to the fixed nature of the event. If you’re just asking a lady out to dinner, there is no need for much notice. Dinner is always available. If she’s handy she’s handy, if she wants to go out with you but is not specifically available on Friday, Saturday will do.
A concert is a dead fixed event. As much advance notice as reasonably possible is correct.