I’ve had a bit of a dry spell as far dating goes for a while, longer than I care to admit, in fact. I’ve been lightly mulling this over the last few weeks, and I think I may be playing it too safe for my own good. By that I mean I generally get to know someone fairly well before dating them. I’ve always wondered what would happen if I asked out someone out on the spot after only a brief encounter.
Here are my thoughts on the idea. First, asking someone on a date almost immediately (or even before) meeting them is obviously a reaction based solely on attraction. Most girls will understand this, and my experience tells me a lot of them will resent it. Some might welcome it, however. Second, I wouldn’t have the slightest clue where to go or what to say on such a hypothetical date; based on this thread’s premise, I would have no idea where their interests lie and I’m afraid such a date would be nothing but cricket chirps. Conversely, we could totally hit it off and have a great time.
I’ve considered the possibility that the worst case scenario here is a flat out “no,” but I think a worse scenario would be losing an evening of my time absolutely bored and/or sweating from anxiety if things went poorly. The flipside of this, which I mentioned earlier, is that the person and I could be totally compatible.
What are your thoughts? Have you ever asked someone out/been asked out in a fashion similar to the scenario presented here? How did it go? If it went poorly, do you regret it?
Ah, so young to have so much anxiety! Dating is one way of getting to know someone that you’ve met and are attracted to…that is its purpose. if you wait until you get to know them better…well, how exactly do you do that without spending time with them, and if you are spending time with them alone…that’s almost a date!
I can’t imagine getting resentful that someone is attracted to me enough to ask me out for coffee, or to a movie. It would be odd if they did that and weren’t attracted!
And part of the purpose of a date is to get to know what a person’s interests are. So you invite them out for pizza, and you sit and ask them what they are majoring in/where they went to high school/ have any pets/ what kind of music do you like…all as part of a normal conversation, without sounding like you are working from a list.
If pizza isn’t your thing, there is coffee…or a concert in the park followed by a walk around the lake…or for an afternoon at a carnival…or for a bike ride to the lake, and ice cream at Honey Hut…or a movie and Chinese food…or a lecture at the college, followed by dessert…
Jesus, this is the stuff of initial dating that drives me completely up the wall. “Where did you go to school? What kind of music do you listen to? Where is your family?” Et cetera, ad nauseam. It’s all space-filling noise and most people don’t even really listen to the answers, so you end up repeating this stuff over again at a later date.
I guess I fall to the far side of the “know before dating” camp; the blind/setup/online meetup dates I’ve gone on have all been pretty much uniformly bust. The few successful dates have always been with women that I’ve known in some prior context like sailing, diving, et cetera, so at least there is some common ground that makes for a topic of conversation that we’re both legitimately interested in.
Oh, and I’ve talked to women who are clearly resentful about being approached if you don’t meet their minimum standards. The most amusing are the haughty girls who go to a bar, stand around looking blankly pretty, and the proceed to snub every man who so much as says “Hi,” if he doesn’t match expectations, but the attitude spreads across the entire demographic. I can understand waitresses and clerks being standoffish and irritated about being approached–after all, they have to be there–but until recently I didn’t understand why women who aren’t interested either have to throw up the nasty witch defense or go flatly passive instead of just a firm, clear, “Oh, thank you, but I’m not really interested/here with someone/patent but obvious excuse.” So approaching women out of the blue might work for the shiners, but for the average Joe you’re just begging trouble in one form or another.
If met online it’s 2-3 emails, then a phone call or two.
If met in person, through an introduction (sounds like your sitrep) then an invite to a non-date meet (“hey, would you like to meet for a cup of coffee sometime?”). Pretty much that is now code for a pre-date-date, but there’s no pressure. At the coffee meet you then converse and learn about each other.
If that’s too much for you then try this “Hey, it was nice meeting you, I’d like to talk more, would you like to exchange emails?”
I never dated much, but the women I asked out were all ones who I had known for a few weeks. In nearly all cases we were involved in a project together, such as a theatrical production, so there was pre-date socializing.
My wife and I had mutual friends, but I only asked her out after she became a newspaper reporter and kept showing up to cover activities that I was involved with. (And it took me about a year to convince her we should date. . .) We’ll be married eleven years tomorrow.
Isn’t getting to know someone the whole point of dating?
If you’re only dating people you already know, that both seriously limits your dating pool, and makes it likely that you’re going to be placed in some awkward moments when it doesn’t work out, but you still see this person, because whatever reason you knew them before hasn’t gone away.
Meeting people isn’t that hard. You see someone you find attractive, you make eye contact, you smile, and if it’s returned you walk over, say hello, introduce yourself, and make some small talk. If this goes well, you ask for a phone number or email address*. The very worst thing that can happen is she’ll** say no. The world won’t end.
If she says yes, you call or email her, ask if she’d like to go out. Have a couple of ideas and ask which she’d prefer. Go out on a date. The very worst thing that can happen is that it won’t go well. The world won’t end.
*I much prefer email. A couple of “Hey, how’s your day going?” emails are a good way to break the ice before a date. I find it much less pressure-packed than phone conversations.
***I use she here because the OP is a guy, but all my advice is gender neutral. *
I probably wouldn’t ever ask someone out that I hardly knew, as the potential for awkwardness is just too damn great. I seem to be unusual in this respect, but dating seems to be a way to further an existing acquaintanceship/friendship, not start something that will likely end in “well, that was nice, I’ll see you around”. The idea of blind dating/being set up with someone really doesn’t appeal to me, as odds are we have hardly anything in common. It makes much more sense to date someone you’ve at least had a couple of conversations with (where neither participant was bored out of his/her skull).
On the other hand, if someone I hardly knew asked me out (assuming I was even a little attracted to them), I’d probably go for it. I don’t get asked out that often, and it’s kind of flattering. I’d keep it light, though; no dinner and a movie, probably just coffee or a slice of pizza.
Actually, no: the worst thing that can happen is that the woman in question calls the management over to have to removed based upon some nonsense story about how you’ve been harassing her, or is just using you to goad her boyfriend into a jealous fit. (Yes, this has actually happened to me on a number of occasions. Welcome to L.A. Welcome to the party.)
It probably doesn’t help that I lack the ability to read body language and discern between genuine interest and revulsion in the guise of apparent interest (or perhaps fascinated horror). And I get no particular thrill or sense of satisfaction of meeting new people for the sake of having broad casual acquaintance. I’d prefer my few friends and many books to burning time by listening to yet another bimbo babble on about her favorite television show and how it has changed her life.
True, that. But if you need answers about the history of Eastern Europe, quantum mechanics, or the applicability of Tsai-Wu failure criteria in finite element analysis of composite layups, I’m your man.
Talk about coincidences:
Just yesterday, my friend, Dr. Piotr Pierogi, orthopedic surgeon/ particle physics hobbyist, from Warsaw, asked me if I knew of anyone who could help him apply the Tsai-Wu failure criterion to the cancellous trabecular bone pattern of a bonobo’s calcaneous. I replied, *“I’m sorry Piotr, I know of no such person”. *
