Come on. “How have your children disappointed you?” If you can’t see why that’s cool/funny, I can’t help you.
My son is 15 and very bright, yet he decides to lie about homework and not do his work. His recent progress report? 3 A’s and 3 F’s. How do you even DO that? He’s getting a 39% in Spanish, just because he doesn’t hand in work. ARG! And then we have to enforce things at home like no video games, which we don’t want to do but have no real choice about.
Depressed people don’t think logically. It’s not irrational thinking but illogical thinking. If he needs to be on meds, then you need to make sure he is getting them. 'Cause if he’s not, it’s only gonna go downhill.
I’ve disappointed you, haven’t I? 
Please don’t feel bad. You’re not a monster, just a perfectly normal human being faced with a really difficult, frustrating, heart-breaking situation. You’re missing out on something you really looked forward to, and I think you’re entitled to a certain degree of mourning for that experience. It’s a shitty thing that society has become so rah-rah about parenting that you feel like you can’t express such a perfectly normal feeling without so much guilt. It’s not fair to you, and ultimately it’s not fair to your daughter–if you’re tied in knots about how awful you are for the way you feel, and are putting your energies into hiding those feelings, she’s not getting the best you have to offer. Better for you both to get it out someplace she can’t see and hear.
Kalyspo is this the public school system? Have you had her evaluated by a private psychologist who is experianced with “smart” but has other problems kids?
Furthermore, cutting anti-depressants cold turkey can be horrible–beyond horrible. This is one area where I wouldn’t worry about bailing him out.
Eh, I don’t know about that, but the title seems to have an underlying assumption that every kid will disappoint her parents. I think sometimes it’s the parents who dissapoint themselves.
I wouldn’t have thought there were that many posters here with children that were old enough (ie mid/late 20s up) to be able to definitively say they were disappointed with them, to be honest.
Oh, I know, and that’s why I keep doing it…but that just makes me worry about what’s going to happen in 6 months or a year or whenever he decides not to live here any more and I won’t be around *to *bail him out.
Replace “Spanish” with “Latin”, and set it about 20 years ago, and you could easily be describing me.
My problem was that I was bored. Mind-numbingly bored. School was no challenge, so I gave it the minimal effort. Everything felt like rote memorization and busy work, so I just didn’t do it.
I don’t think there’s really anything you can do about it. I know nothing ever worked for me- I just eventually outgrew it. I never did go to college, but things worked out incredibly good for me that I didn’t.
If I have had any disappointment, it is that neither of my sons followed me in the sciences. One is an executive with a software company, and the other is a college professor in Economics (he claims that Economics is a science!)
But they choose to go other routes…they just look at me with pity when I wax on about the cool plants that I have. Admittedly I encouraged them to follow their own interests.
Actually it is OK that they did their own things…but,but…but.
Totally unsolicited advice, and I really don’t mean this as any criticism, but rather as a bit of perspective from someone who has battled depression and feels confident declaring victory. If you don’t find anything useful in this, feel free to disregard it. I only say this because I think there is a chance it could be useful.
Have you tried CBT? Meds are not magic. Not everyone with depression needs them and not everyone with depressions responds to them. If they aren’t helping him, of course he is not going to be very motivated to take them. At such a young age, there is indeed a very good chance that the fundamental problem is not some random brain-chemistry issue, but that is something he needs to work out or some harmful thought patterns he needs to break before he can move on- very likely given how distressing adolescence is. Even if meds do make him feel better, they still won’t fix that fundamental issue. Furthermore, there is a risk that he is able to put off doing this emotional work because he can rationalize that the pills are supposed to take care of things. He can tell himself that he is sick, it’s not his fault, the pills are supposed to fix it, they don’t, and so it’s all just screwed and the only option is for things to be how they are.
I wish someone had taught me better coping skills when I was that age, rather than telling me the only options were “you are sick” or “you are well.” Instead of working through my negative thought habits, I learned to wallow in them and justify them because I was “depressed.” It was years, and a lot of wasted energy, before I discovered my own homemade version of CBT and finally learned how to control my emotions and deal with them constructively.
I know several parents who managed to be disappointed with their children when said children’s ages were in single figures and would not stop telling the child so. The people in these boards tend to be more reasonable than that, but a few “RL cases” I know, off the top of my head…
- wrong gender (I know cases of this for both genders, too),
- does not want to go to church,
- talks back to authority,
- is not musical/artsy/whatever (a classmate of mine is actually quite artsy, but for the 15 years her mother treated her as an art project, she wasn’t able to develop her own tastes or opinions, or allowed to play with paint in case she’d soil her clothing),
- runs away when he sees his Grandma’s best friend approaching (said woman is a cheek-squeezer; I’d run away too, only I’m old enough to be allowed to push back anybody trying to squeeze my cheeks and, if they insist, threaten them with filing a police complaint for bodily assault),
- needs glasses (ehm… you mean, just like you and your husband? gee golly whiz, wonder where he caught that gene!)
- is a crybaby (this one is still a crybaby at 40)
We’re trying to find a CBT practitioner who takes our insurance. I have several social workers and other therapists in the city making phone calls for us, but no luck so far.
My oldest,** BloodyL**, has only really disappointed me once, when she took part in a particularly nasty prank on her cousin. She’s 21 now so I’ve had a lot of good years to make up for it.
:braces for “How have your parents disappointed you?” thread: