My life as a series of disappointments

The BBQ Pit
1

The last couple years of my life have been nothing short of spectacular. Travel, love, sucess…everything a girl could want. Maybe that is why the current round of complete and utter disappointments feels so bad.

We’ll start with Halloween. My favortie holiday. I made an awesome costume. Spent way too much money on it. I was so excited about going out at night (round here people of all ages gather downtown to loiter and scope out each others costumes. I get home from school at around four. I can’t get ahold of anyone I know. My SO doesn’t come home until around eight (during which not a single trick or treater comes by). He falls right asleep. I spend Halloween alone, bundled up on the beach, wishing the evil spirits would come get me.

Thats okay, one night lost. Big deal. Then comes last night. Leoneids. For the the past three years my friends and I have bundled up and gone out to watch the shower. I’ve fell in love with my SO under Leoneids. It’s one of my favorite things. Stupid me gets things mixed up and thinks it is on Sunday night. I figure out my mistake at literally ten minutes before the peak when one of my friends IMs me to tell me that he’s bored because every single one of his and my friends had gone out to watch the meteors. Fucking awesome. I miss out on one of my favorite things in the whole world because every single person I call my friend has decided not to bother inviting me to their meteor-watchning party. I throw on a jacket and run out to the beach, where I saw what I could over the glare of the pier lights. I come back freezing cold and crying my eyes out.

Why? Why does everything that is good end up a disappointment? Why does everything that is supposed to be sweet taste bitter? What’s next? Will I sleep through Christmas? I’m already scheduled for a rather lame 21st birthday (how are you suppoesed to celebrate your 21st in style on Christmas eve? Get drunk on eggnog?).

I can’t handle this! One day my mom called me up, and I was estatic. Why? I had bought a few really good tomatos. That is the height of joy in my life right now. That is where it peaks. Tomatos. Fuck.

2

don’t fell too bad; at lest you got to see them a little. there was complete, utter, inpenetrable cloud cover here in kansas, so i saw nothing.

3

I’m not being a smartass when I say that a few really good tomatoes is nothing to sneeze at. You may find as you get older that the little things really add up to more than you imagine. I’ve found that the quality of my life doesn’t come from the large and spectacular events nearly as much as it does from the little things that occur daily.

I’m sorry about your recent disappointments, and I hope you feel better about things soon.

4

It is those few disappointments that will make you appreciate the next round of spectacular events. In fact they make you able to appreciate the past even more. You never truly appreciate the good things in life unless you are familiar with the bad things. As to Christmas, start looking forward to it (and your 21st birthday) and take positive actions to make it that way. Or you can sit around thinking about how bad it will be and that’s how it will probably end up.

GOOD LUCK

P.S. Why not start with Thanksgiving?

5

Uh… all due respect and everything, but is this it? This is your whole “series” of disappointments that makes up your life? Two kinda bummer evenings?

I think you need to do a little work on your perspective, frankly.

stoid

6

Just remember, it could be worse.

7

Well, if it helps you to get some perspective on disappointment, this is how my semester has turned out. (And I’m only covering this semester.)

  1. Extreme difficulty with registration, resulting in extra fees because I registered late.
  2. Friend and her unborn child die.
  3. Laid-off.
  4. Unemployment Department refuses to pay me any money because I don’t want to drop out of school in the middle of a semester to take a minimum wage job that won’t cover my expenses.
  5. Worry and fear over financial situation are affecting my grades.
  6. Good news: Bio instructor will give me an “incomplete” in order that I may concentrate on finding some work. Bad news: That will disqualify me for work study and financial aid next semester.
  7. I can’t move because my current rent was in place before rents spiralled out of control in my area and if I can’t afford this place, I most assuredly can’t afford anything else. Except perhaps a Maytag box under the expressway.
  8. Because the Unemployment Department people are being such jerks, I have to save every penny for foolish things like food and laundry. So, I can’t afford bus fare which significantly decreases my job-finding abilities.

And that’s just this semester. Feel better now?

8

Huh? I’m with Stoid in my confustication. This is it? A too quiet Halloween and no meteor party invite. God forbid you should get a hangnail, the swirling black vortex of despair will swallow you whole.

9

I think that even sven is having a little fun with y’all, and is intentionally being over-dramatic.

10

Uh…that’s not what I got from it. Pretty much just a “poor me, my life is so shitty” pathetic rant. I’d have to agree with Stoid and astro on this one. Two evenings make your entire life a disappointment? You need to look a little farther than that.

11

sven… :frowning:

12

Life woud be boring if everything went your way , my life seems rather unboring if you get my drift , 2 bad nights , is that all ? , I’ve had friends kill themselves lost many jobs and been unable to find decent work or a decent place to live and never been loved back. So two nights makes your life a dissappointment? just wait till you graduate and really start to live life.

13

FEH! A lame Halloween and no falling stars to look at. xcheopis has a bad semester to gripe about. You’re a couple of amatuers! You want a series of disappointments, let’s look at my life:

We’ll start with birth. What a huge disappointment that was. I was all cozy and warm and snug, and them some weirdo in a mask yanks me out of there and spanks me - for no good reason I might add! I start crying because I’m cold, I’m wet, and I suddenly realize I’m naked in a room full of strangers. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the trauma that was that first day. To this day I still have uncomfortable dreams of being naked in a room full of strangers.

My birthday also turned out to be June 1st. My sister, 2 years older than I, was born on June 2nd. So that sucks. I don’t even get my own day, I end up sharing birthday parties and birthday cakes with my sister. It wasn’t my doing, I was content to hang out in there for a few more weeks. Very disappointing, that was.

Then I get jaundice. That sucked too. Fucking jaundice.

Keep in mind, I’m still less than a month old at this point. It just goes downhill from here.

I didn’t learn to walk till I was nearly 2, cuz my older sister kept pushing me down and saying, “Babies are supposed to crawl.”

When I was 4, I didn’t get the Mickey Mouse train set I wanted. Disappointmet city, baby.

At age 5, my mom got tired of me around the house and sent me to another building 5 days a week for a half a day where they taught me stuff I already knew from watching Sesame Street. This apparently worked out for my mom, as the next year she was sending me away for all day. I missed a lot of Sesame Street and was very disappointed.

Then my teeth started falling out. I was too young for that sort of thing! Old people lose teeth, not young people! I was in my prime, why should I have been stricken so soon?

So let’s skip ahead to high school, cuz this sort of thing goes on for years and bums me out just thinking about it.

Ages 13-16. Had to suffer through high school and didn’t get laid. Extrememly disappointing.

Age 16, while playing for the school baseball team, I was on pace to set a school record for stolen bases when I took a line drive to the chest, breaking one rib and cracking another. Out for the rest of the season. This disappointed me cuz I was sure had I broken that record, I’d get laid.

Age 17, didn’t get the role in the school play I wanted. Would later in the year get the role of Lazar Wolf in Fiddler on the Roof only to catch bronchitis and cough so badly I lost my voice and was unable to perform. Disappointmentville.

Ages 18-22, served in the US Air Force. I think that speaks for itself.

Age 22-25, get in engaged, go to college full time and work full time to support fiance and son only to have her weasel me out of the apartment for another guy. Disappointing.

Age 25, car wreck breaks both legs, left arm, three ribs and leaves me in a wheelchair. Only the right arm can be moved without pain and the right knee have been a bother ever since. I have horrible flashbacks of the early years of my life as my parents have to wash me, feed, me, etc. It’s about 9 months before I’m walking on my own again.

Age 26-present, working for AT&T. A search should turn up all the relevant Pit rants.

And let’s not forget the 3 family dogs that died between then and now. Plus a couple of parakeets and some fish.

In short kiddies, Hello, my name is Crunchy Frog and I’m a birth survivor. Join the club.

14

Damn Crunchy–was that what birth was like? My folks always told me they found me under a rock… :wink:

15

In fact, if two mildly depressing nights are the worst things in your life, I don’t think it could get much better.

16

I think I know how you feel, even sven. Sometimes I get completely and magnificently excited about an upcoming event. It’s either something new I’m looking forward to, or a tradition I can’t wait to celebrate. I blow the event way out of proportion, worry about making everything perfect, and nearly explode with excitement waiting for the night to come. Maybe a date, or going with my friends to our favorite club that’s an hour away in DC, or seeing someone again whom I met and really clicked with. Or even going to class when there’s someone I like there.

Anyway, the night never lives up to my expectations (never!) and I usually feel a sort of crushing drag that nothing is ever as good as I want it to be. I can get depressed when that happens, even when I don’t do it very often. So two nights like that too close together can seem overwhelming. I always get my hopes up too high and then trip over them when I’m not looking.

But maybe you were being melodramatic. Either way, I can relate to your OP. I sincerely hope everything looks up soon.

(By the way, my 21st birthday is in May, and I’m not too excited either. I’ve been drunk in bars before; it’s nothing new, and I’m not sure I even want to get completely smashed because I hate being hungover. Not to mention it falls during finals week.)

17

Well, that should cheer her right up!

Good job, all. Perhaps we can add a third to the list of things that are shitting on her. sven, maybe this is a sign of things to come :eek:

Hope you have some karma stored up :wink:

18

Good idea! I’ve always believed the old saying that ‘bad things come in threes’ so maybe the best way to cheer her up would be to flame the living bejesus outta her!!!
Simply brilliant… :wink:

19

Well thanks Nacho4Sara at least. Bah to the rest of you. `

It’s not just two shitty evenings. It is two shitty evenings that were supposed to make up for the general shittiness of my life.

I have no life. I go to class from morning until well after dark. I shoot projects for class every weekend. I edit during the nights. I have no friends. My entire peer group moved in to a giant house on the other side of town. They have no reason to see, or call me anymore. I have no way of getting over there, and none of them are willing to pick me up from my place. The only time I see my aquaintances is when I’m recruiting help for my projects. I can’t remember the last time I went to a party without having to say “I’ll just buzz in for half and hour, see if I can get Rachel to do lighting and get back home”. I can’t remember the last time I made or received a phone call just to talk. I can go for weeks without having a conversation that doesn’t relate to film school. Yes, I love what I am doing- but the price for doing what I love appears to be my soul.

I’ve had to go to the dentist every freaking week for the last three months.

So yes. I put a lot of weight in a couple evenings. When you don’t stop working for months at a time, those things become a little important. When your life is constant low-grade anxiety, the chance to let go for a minute takes on a whole new meaning. When you go for days like a zombie- just holding your breathe and hoping you can make it through without failing- seeing friends, getting out, remembering what it is like to live in the freaking world makes the difference between doing alright or crying yourself to sleep.

And when those things are gone. ruined. wasted. it hurts like hell. This feeling of loss is overwhelming…so deeply sad on a fundamental level that I don’t even know what to do with the sorrow.

I’m in a delicate enough mental state as is. I’m beginning to think that my only choice is not to hope. not to look forward to things. not to desire friendship or fun, but rather just to hold my breathe and resign myself to the fact that the best I may get is just to get through. I don’t know. It’s not a very appealing world view, but neither is one that just makes you hurt.

20

**Crunchy **

I just want to state that a) I think you are one of our best dopers and b) You are so resiliant. I mean, not getting laid as a teen, oooooh, man, your therapy bill must be high.:slight_smile: c)Those that have suffered/endured greatly in life, are those that are the funniest and most observant.

[long]

**Sven **

You are untested in the shark infested waters that Crunchy and, if I may be so bold to add my name, *moi * surf and water ski in.

Sit back kid and buckle yourself in.

**Birth **- birthmother puts me up for adoption and I spend the first few weeks and Xmas in a foster home before being adopted by a nice white bread family with four older boys.

Being born near Thanksgiving has made my birthday celebrated on this weekend ever year of my life. The plus side is more presents, the down side is a) Turkey Dinner and b) the lions just suck.

**Age 2-8 **- Nothing memorable other than a hernia when I was 8 months old and a concussion at 12 months old that for 20 years afterwards, left one pupil bigger than the other. And my mother loved dressing me in frilly frou frou dresses.
**Age 9 **My ninth birthday was forgotten as my father was in the hospital with lung cancer. On Christmas Day he died.

My first day back in school for fourth grade, after the Principal read the morning announcements, she asked the student body to pray for my brother and I because my dad had died. (It was a catholic school.) do you know how mortifying it is to have every kid in your class AND your teacher stare at you like you are some freak. Bad side: I HATE SURPRISES. Pluse Side: I coasted through the rest of the next few years of schooling on the pity-the-kid feeling the teachers had for me

Age 12, we moved from *The * coolest neighborhood with all my friends to a smaller house about a mile away. Might as well have been to fuckin’ China, because after a year of riding my bike back to their houses, no one ever rode to visit me. Plus side: I was the only teenager in my neighborhood and made a shit load, I mean shit load of money babysitting all the little kids.

Age 12-13: Two of my best friends move out of state. One to NC, as her dad was transferred and it was planned. The other to TX, but this was not planned, he was desperate for work to support his five kids. I started high school with out my training wheels on and being shoved into on coming traffic.

My four older brothers are all diagnosed with Muscular Dystrophy. go read up on this disease. Look at pictures. it is such a fucking sad horrible goddamn disease and to have FOUR MEMBERS of your family have it is not FAIR.
I’ve never met or read or heard of any other family so tragically stricken as my brothers.

I got braces on my teeth.I am flat chested.

To celebrate surviving my freshmen year in highschool and getting braces off, my mom decides we should perm and streak my hair. An at-home job. My last day of freshman year, I had no more metal mouth, fuzzy hair and *Orange streaks * in my hair. Going to Florida for the summer to my uncles place and swimming in salt water or chlorine all day did not help it all at. (Plus side: My mom is not allowed anywhere near my hair.)Begin life long love of hair color.

**Ages 13-17 ** - No dates, low grades, zero self esteem, strange hair color, and being in a rigid catholic home. I never get felt up,labeled the shy, quiet kid. (Plus side: None.) My Beloved Grandmother dies. I sell my dog in a garage sale. My car is rearended in an accident and is never the same mechanically.

No money for college because Brother #1 is pretty much a dead beat ( no drugs or booze, just a dead beat with a dead beat wife and dead beat loser children) who bums money off my mother on a scarily frequent basis.

** Ages 19-21 **: have first serious relationship. Long distance. Work two jobs, go to school full time. Get really really sick (for me), drop school. Enjoy life more. Transmission on car dies, twice in one year. Boyfriend dumps me. Poor pity me.Only Cherished 93 year old Grandfather dies. Best friend from HS whom introduced me to old boyfriend, tells me I will not be in her wedding party because old boyfriend is. Bitch. Plus side: Thin, gorgeous, contacts worked.

Ages 22-34: Meet husband, future inlaws in near death motorcycle accident that leaves FIL paralyzed from chest down. MIL’s leg is severed below the knee. (Plus side: FIL steals the show at our wedding by standing up in a specialized wheelchair.)

At 26, after the wedding, I got another horrific -but I paid for it - perm. (Plus side: cut hair to less than 1 inch length and looked wonderful.)

**Brother #1 ** dies at the age 46 of pnuemonia. March 1994.

**Brother #3 ** suffers nervous breakdown (1993), institutionalized for a short while before signing himself out, being good on meds for a while then taking himself off of them and driving everyone but himself nuts. He is in the hospital at least every 15 months (from the time I am 18) with pnumonia(which you’d think I could spell it) and nearly dies EVERY TIME, but stages an amazing come back every time and it takes him 6 months to recover. Driving my mother nuts in the process.

(Plus Side: Mother suffers massive panic attack and finally gets medical mental help necessary.

**1998 ** - The company I work for tells me that I only need three weeks off after having a child. (It’s a small company)
At baby shower hosted by people I am very devoted to for eight years, I am given $35 in Toys R Us money. 8 people kicked in roughly their lunch money for me. $35. I spent more on little gifts for the office than ALL of THEM gave to me. This still rankles me. They wonder why they never heard back from me after I left and never came back. (Plus side: I have a healthy happy son and daughter, not at the same time.)
Brother #2, suffering from severe severe black black black depression lives at home since 1990, in front of the TV. There, but not there. Is put into a group home in August of 2000 because he is very unable to take care of himself.
**Brother #4 ** - suffers many job loses due to depression and disability. He is the family genius. Would have been a doctor if not for MD. Highly intelligent. Has the personality of wet cardboard and the back bone of a sponge. His wife walks all over him. Very hard to see him like that.

2001 has been a banner year for me:

Brother #3 (on many occasions comes close, but this was final curtain call) enters hospital with bronchitis, ends up on a ventilator and his lungs collapsing, all within 72 hours of admitting. Held his hand as we had life support removed. He was 43. That was January 2001.

March - July 2001: Brother #2 in hospital. Pnummonia, ventilator, tracheotomy. Last rites *several * times. Survives, yet back in a group home, he is frankly, better off dead as he can not longer walk or shuffle and cannot pull himself up to even get on the bed pan. BTW, did I mention there is no dignity or privacy in a group home?

**June 2001 ** - totalled my Econoline in a near head on collision that was 100% MY fault because I was TOTALLY preoccupied with the days events of nearly having brother #2 die that day. (Plus side: Other than a cut to my head , and the other driver shooken up, no one was hurt. I tear up more now from this than then.)

**July 2001 ** - Husband has his first accident in our new car (we’ve always bought used, this was brand spanking new). Under 10mph accident and $7,100 damage. No one hurt, the insurance company is very wealthy this year from the Ujests. (If it weren’t for Mr. Ujest’s boss loaning a company pick up for hubby, we would not have had a car ALL SUMMER LONG and I live no where near a store within walking distance.)

**August 2001 ** - New to us econoline suffers major breakdown on highway back from road trip. Mr. Ujest replaces alternator and battery in parking lot of auto parts store.

**From Jan - Aug: ** Mr. Ujest works 100 plus hours a week. I am a solo parent and half of this time I am watching a friends little one, making me a prisoner in my own house and I suffer from depression that has probably been a part of my life for alot longer than I’ve ever realized. ( I have never told anyone that.)

**Sept 11 ** No further commentary is needed.

**October 11th ** - A favorite uncle dies.

**Mother ** has her own personal stalker. Her life long friend who is in a nursing home calls her anywhere from 6 to 25 times a day. My mother does not know how to end the torment and, frankly, I’m just clueing myself in, likes it. She feeds on it. Refuses to take action in anyway,shape or form. She also allows ** brother #2 ** to guilt her into things and when #3 was alive, he took up ALL of her emotional state by his guilt parties.She’s given #4 shitloads of money that she cannot afford to part with as her stocks are all in the crapper. Learning to deal with aging parent who suffers depression, anxiety attacks and co-dependancy is like shoveling sand in the desert wth a slotted spoon. It would be easier if she were a drunk or mean or abusive. But she’s a nice old classy catholic lady that has just lived in the valley of shit for twenty five years.

Whenever I use to think about the aforementioned situations in my life, I would get depressed and dark. Then I realized, that most of the above things are really beyond my control and not self induced (The car accident I accept blame for and the animosity with former co-workers, I take half credit.)
I have just summarized my 34 years on this planet for eveyrone out there in internet/porn/physcho world [sup]TM [/sup] to read.
At the risk of sounding like a self help book, I have a *great * life and all that I need with healthy children, a roof over my head, food three times a day and a car. Anything more than that put me into the bonus round.

The way I look at it is there is not much that can be thrown or hurled at me that I cannot handle. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with some rain. ( Or) You don’t miss the water until the well runs dry.

**Sven **Until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore, you will not know the terror of being forever lost at sea. :smiley: