How in the world would you handle this friend/girlfriend situation?

In My Humble Opinion
121

To address a few of your points, Huerta88:

“Take her out dancing and for long walks on the beach,” “Be a nice guy.” I am sure you and Elysian would have heartily approved of whatever approach I was trying to take.

I’d approve of that! I love to take an attractive woman to see a show in a club, stay after for dancing to the bar band and wind up walking her along the beach after midnight. Couldn’t draw it up any better, as far as I’m concerned.

  • More importantly (and I think you’re missing out on this), this model of “appropriate, non-game-playing” romance you purport to defend is, in fact, a “system” in its own right.*

If it is, it’s worked very well for me and many others. It’s a proven and time tested system.

Here’s how I know it’s a “system” – I HATED IT!

The fact that you, personally, hated it doesn’t mean that that way of doing things is a failure with regards to humanity as a whole.

Equally important, were the handful of relationships I forged through the Elysian method (as I’ll call it for shorthand, not trying to put words in your mouth) good for me or the woman? Not really. They ended up vaguely dissatisfied and usually wandered off.

Your failed relationships speak to your personal failed relationships, and nothing else.

My current approach feels more natural.

Maybe you’ve found a way that’s natural for you. Natural for me is taking her dancing and then for a walk on the beach. First date or second, for sure. Also, if I meet a woman I’d like to get to know better, I’ll ask her out pretty much immediately. “Wait two days before you call her.” Why, for cryin’ out loud? If you like her, go for it today!

… or maybe the way I’d treat my younger sister (to whom I do not routinely give single red roses, whom I do not frequently take on moonlit carriage rides, with whom I never dance,

You don’t dance with your younger sister? That’s how I learned all the cool steps! Plus, it pays to stay in your younger sister’s good graces. A single rose to Lil’ Sis never hurts. My younger sister’s friends always proved to be a great source of date material for me, and she knew stuff about them. :wink:
With a few words such as “You don’t want her”, “She’s great but she might not be over breaking up with Jim yet”, “You can get some, but it won’t be much of an accomplishmet because everybody else can too”, or “She asks about you three times a day”, Lil’ Sis saved me lots of time and pointed me in several really good directions. Give your little sister a single rose and get her to help you with the dancing!

Being non-commital, not plunging into copious declarations of my feelings, making it clear that I have other options and am not seeking to go ring shopping with her on the first few dates –

If keeping the women you are interested in confused and uncertain works for you, fine. I prefer to let 'em know what I’m thinking. You don’t have to profess undying love. “I’t been a really fun weekend” is fine.

In summary, I’d guess that the women that are attrtacted to me wouldn’t like your way of doing things, and those women that are attracted by your way of doing things wouldn’t like my ways at all.

Disclaimer: I’ve written the above in present tense but I’m married now. The above refers to how it was when I was single and dating regularly.
And yeah, the Missus likes dancing to a good bar band, a walk on the beach until sunrise and the occasional rose. :smiley:

122

There’s the crux of it. (Put differently, I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing things your way, or vice versa, and lack of comfort and feeling natural translates into chicks picking up on your strained approach and reacting poorly). From a few things the OP said, I suspected maybe he was more on my side of the fence than yours as far as comfort-level and the errors to which we might be prone, but mainly wanted to expose him to a POV other than the romantic-comedy version that seems to enjoy a more dominant foothold in the culture (or more basically, to make him aware such alternate POV did exist).

Main thing is . . . fingers crossed . . . he seems to be moving the ball forward. Nothing succeeds like, etc.

123

John Carter… I think what many of us meant was that Wasson should take things in pace… and not overdo any romantic speeches or atitudes. Its scares women normally to see this over the top romantic if they themselves are still starting to warm up to the relation. Once you get past a month feel free to go sugary declarations.

124

Don’t worry, no declarations of love or “why did I wait do long to do this” or anything like that. Things between her and I are pretty much as they’ve always been, but even more flirty and fun and now we cuddle on the couch when watching TV or whatever. I’ve seen her every day since the big date, kissed her goodbye every time, and announced to friends and family that we’ve made it “official”. It’s still a little bit surreal, to be honest. But good.

125

My SO and I were friends for 6 years before we figured out we wanted more then friendship. We’ve been together for 14 years now. I’ve been there.

Yes, it will be kind of weird at times. Cuddling, kissing, etc will occasionally seem kind of strange, but wonderful. You might even feel kind of self-consious about in front of other friends.

Keep in mind that she is still your friend. She hasn’t changed, and neither have you. How you interact doesn’t have to totally change if you go from friends to dating. You just get to add additional layers. The holding doors/giving flowers/carriage rides are the additional bits. Don’t let the initial friendship get overridden though. That’s the part that attracted you two to each other.

Have fun.

126

Brainiac4 and I have been married ten years. We dated for about two. We were friends for the previous ten, close friends for the two before we started dating. Its really cool to be married to your best friend. Its really nice to start dating someone you don’t need to hide your Abba collection from because they already know you have it.

By the time we started dating, we were pretty sure we’d either get married, or it would blow up spectaularly in less than two months. Knowing each other well (and perhaps being persons of low moral fiber) meant we basically skipped dating in favor of just shacking up.

127

This Doper is demanding an update of the relationship status… :smiley:

128

Yay! I’d missed the updates, but huzzah! Ain’t it grand that it’s worked out so well? Good on ya, wasson, good on ya. Hoping for much more happiness in your future.