How long do I wait before I accept that he's just not into me?

On Saturday, I went on my first good date in a very, very long time. We were both all smiles, and we had what I, at least, thought was a really good time. (We’d agreed to meet up for brunch–a meal that ended up lasting about 2.5 hours, plus a leisurely walk around the block where the subway was, just to avoid having to actually get on the train.)

We both live in the same direction from the restaurant where we met, so we ended up on the subway together. Just before I got off at my stop, I gave him a big hug and asked him to call me. I thought for sure he would. It’s now Tuesday, at almost midnight, and I’ve heard nothing from him. When do I come to the conclusion that he just isn’t into me? Is it pushy and desperate if I text him? (My gut tells me that it is, but I’d like to hear your perspective.)

For context–I’m a 40 year old woman. My marriage ended three years ago. I haven’t really dated since then, and my experiences with online dating have been crappy, to say the least. I’m no supermodel, but I’m not hideous either. And, until Saturday, I hadn’t been on a real first date in about 8 years.

Give him a call or a text. Tell him you had a nice time and ask if he’d like to meet up again for dinner.

If he does anything other than make firm plans with you to meet up, I’d say it’s time to move on.

I’d wait till Wednesday at 4. Text him at 4:17.

That sounds about right. He might not be into you, but I think one unequivocal text saying you had a good time and would like to see him again is not too needy, and if he doesn’t respond, then you know for sure where you stand. It’s possible that he has just gotten busy since the weekend - life does that sometimes.

Me too.

It’s possible he’s sitting around thinking that maybe you’re just not that into him. Some guys sometimes like it to be our idea and maybe he’s one of those. Text him and tell him what you want. “Hi, had a great time, would love dinner, what’s your week/weekend look like?”

I really think the days of women anxiously waiting and wondering and pining, or whatever, should be a distant, silly memory by now.

Oh yeah, they should definitely be over. And any man who thinks “woah this woman is way too needy for sending me this text saying she had a nice time and would like to see me again” is a chauvinist who you are better off without.

In fact, when you call or text him, be the one to ask about a specific day and time. Something along the lines of “I’m free for dinner friday or saturday if that works for you” would be a great one. Also don’t say something passive aggressive like “I’d love to see you again… if you’re not too busy.”

Or, to use a real life example, go out by yourself and invite him after the fact. In my case it was a bar and I texted him my location and a casual invite. If you know anything about his interests, this could work at a lot of different locations. It tells him you have a life and definitely are not pining for him, waiting breathlessly by the phone, but also that you’re thinking of him.

The guy showed up inside 10 minutes and we had a great time.

Not that much time has elapsed. Some people compartmentalize their lives, so the weekend is for socializing, weekdays are for work, and never the twain shall meet.

Send him a friendly text message saying how you had a great time and asking if he’d like to go on a second date this weekend. Leave things otherwise open.

Much too desperate. Make it 4:30.

PM of course. AM would be right out.

Maybe I just date a lower class of woman, but if a woman were to end the date with a hug and a “Call me”, I would take that as slightly patronizing and assume she’s really not into me. (Not faulting the OP. This says more about me than it does her.)

I’m not trying to suggest every date has to end with a make out session, but I’d appreciate something a little more than I’d give my Grandmother on Thanksgiving Holiday.

Bwuh? I’m a 27 year old gay guy who has gone on plenty of first dates that ended with a hug and a “call me.” I never once thought it meant they weren’t into me. In fact, it’s hard for me to think of any time that I ever went out on a date that lead to a make out session on the very first time.

The best way not to seem desperate is not to be desperate. I know your online dating experienced haven’t been great, but keep trying. At the very least, it’ll keep you busy and the time will fly by.

(I am a huge advocate for a return to actual dating for women. Having multiple prospects in the works takes off a lot of the pressure, and leads to better matches in the end)

Well, text sent (he starts work early in the morning, so he’s already been awake for several hours.) We’ll see what he says. I hope I haven’t blown it by not saying something earlier.

You can’t blow it with someone who is in to you. No man one has ever said “well, she was perfect. But I’m not going to pursue her.”

Good luck!
Remember dating can benefit from networking as well.
I’ve met many nice people when a lady invites me to hang out with her and her friends.

Maybe he’s got, you know, shit to do during the week, and he wants to do something next weekend but it’s still too early in the week to make plans.

I’m guessing this man is somewhere around the OPs age, maybe a bit older? What’s wrong with the slow, old school approach? My 2nd date with my fiance was the weekend following the 1st. I didn’t call until Friday. Hell, our 3rd date was the weekend after that. (I was 31 at the time, and this was just a few years ago, BTW) What’s your hurry?

I guess I am going against the crowd by saying “He’s just not into you”. I’ve had great dates call me the same night, good dates that called, text or emailed the next day, so so dates that just send a “hi” text a couple of days later but I’ve never had someone into me have no contact whatsoever in three or four days. But who knows… maybe I just have dated more confident, assertive men.

Good luck but I wouldn’t worry if it has only been a few days. Maybe HE’S afraid of looking too needy and calling too soon. I’m betting that he calls back.

I’m agreeing with Even Sven’s advice. I can’t predict if he’s into you or not.

Scribble, Focus attention on what’s best for you, whether you’re alone or with someone. What books/groups/entertainment/improvements have you been meaning to pay attention to? Be your own best advocate.