Chose to end the relationship with a text message? Check.
At one stage asked you to keep your relationship secret? Check.
Is now dictating terms (currently ‘FWB’) on a non-negotiable ‘my way or nothing’ basis, like she’s got ‘control freak’ written on her head? Check.
Sure, got yourself a keeper there. Because it’s perfectly reasonable for someone to treat you like this, and perfectly reasonable for you to push the concept of self-respect over a cliff and let her treat you like this.
This isn’t a relationship, it’s a dictatorship - literally, she’s dictating all the terms and you’re playing obedient puppy. If you’re cool with that, enjoy the good times. If not, move on and hope for a little luck finding someone who likes you enough to respect you and the fact that you might have your own feelings and your own opinions once in a while.
This is obviously a total WAG, since all I know about this situation is what I’m reading here in this thread. But I think you’re her wild fling before she finds the sort of guy (Mexican, Catholic, good career?) that she’d like to bring home to Mom and Dad.
IF that’s the case, it’s just a question of how you feel about being her wild fling, rather than the guy she ultimately gets serious about. Especially since it sounds like you want to be the guy she gets serious about, that might be kinda hard.
But if I’m wrong, then some other dynamic is generating her weird behavior. I mean, take **ianzin[/b’s list summarizing things. If genders were reversed, every woman on this board would be telling you, “girl, ditch that guy, he’s no good, he’s using you for sex and not giving you anything else!”
There’d be nothing wrong with staying in a FWB situation with her, as long as you weren’t messing with your own head too much by doing so. But it sounds like that would be hard for you to do: you want much more than that from her.
Doesn’t sound like FWB to me. FWB is a mutual thing, something that both parties agree to and are good with. Sounds to me like she’s gone and gotten herself a boyfriend, without having to be a girlfriend. Sweet deal.
What would the girlfriend/boyfriend label give you which could be better than what you have now? You have the girl without having to put up with her conservative family, you have your own place and space when you want it. And if she has a temper then your apartment would be a very small place if its just the two of you sat there simmering and angry.
I don’t see necessarily that she is using you but rather you both are getting the best from each other and not having to put up with the stuff that drive each of you “batshit”
Its not compulsory to have a “boyfriend/girlfriend” relationship. Don’t sweat the details or worry about what your friends think you should have. Go with the flow with this one.
But I would counsel that you should remember that you are also your own person and while compromise is good, you also need to be fair to yourself. Don’t always be too available.
Unless she’s seeing other people, I don’t see what the big deal is. Enjoy spending time with her for its own sake? Good, keep it up. If you enjoy spending time with her but it’s not worth it to you without a payoff (wow, sounds really weird to type that about a relationship where you are getting laid) then give her an ultimatum.
Bolding mine. I completely agree, and this is why I avoided pressing the issue too much. In a way, I’m in a nice situation; she comes over to my place all the time, the sex is great, she took care of me when I was sick, and in spite of being a busy woman with friends and work, makes herself very available t me when I want to see her.
To address other posts, if I continue doing this and get a broken heart as a result, I know its my own damn fault. I know what I’m getting into. Things have been steadily mutually improving over time, though which makes me optimistic. She’s becoming more flexible with me, and I more assertive of myself.
Her and I have very different friends. My friends, for the most part, are huge drama queens but we all know this and so we get along. At times we can step on each other’s toes, accidentally say something that hurts the other person’s feelings, and/or criticise each other. But even if things get nasty we still stay friends, we just give ourselves some distance to cool down/chance to apologize. We’re also very, very candid with each other, sharing our fears, insecurities, and jealousies. We often date and/or befriend each others’ friends/ex SOs, growing our own network of friends but also having to deal with having an ex hanging around a friend (at my friend’s wedding last week he invited 3 of my ex-girlfriends there because they were all friends with him).
She is much more private than I am. She doesn’t seem to share any details with her friends about her personal life. In her group, friends/exes are off-limits to each other. She also seems to keep different groups of friends separate; in other words if she has a party she won’t invite her childhood friends with her work friends with her neighborhood friends- she’ll simply have 3 parties, one with each group. So her social life seems really compartmentalized. People that piss her off/hurt her feelings are simply not her friends, there’s no ‘spectrum’ like with me, its very black and white. Her way of interacting with her friends is as ‘normal’ to her as my way of interacting with my friends is as ‘normal’ to me.
I think what makes it so complicated is she is so used to being so absolutist about everything, but she’s met someone who she really likes, cooks her candelit dinners, gives her flowers and writes her letters, but at times can say stupid things. She’s not used to comprimising in the same way I am, but I really think her and I are moving closer to some middle ground, with her being more flexible around things that aren’t worth making ultimatims about (threatening to leave instead of just talking things out together and understanding why it happened) and I in turn, both on my own and also spurred by the advice in the thread am being more assertive and no longer worried about what she will say/do if I just up and tell her ____.
We’ll see how it goes. If one day she just flips out, doesn’t want to see me ever again, etc I will just walk away shaking my head laughing at her overreaction.
If you can do this, great! Hopefully, either you’ll end up together or this will happen, both of which will be win for you. But I think this reaction is not easy for most people, so there’s a caution in that.
That’s what I read too. There are ways to get upgraded from medio-novio to novio but… either it happens or it doesn’t, and in order to be able to go on with the relationship, it’s important to understand that “it doesn’t” is very much a distinct possibility and not directly under the OP’s control.
I’m a Catholic. Born and raised. And I dated a lot of men who weren’t Catholic. I was even engaged to a man who belonged to Missionary Alliance… which is pretty far left, if you consider Catholic to be on the right. I happen to be marrying a man who is Catholic, but there were men who weren’t that I was serious about. It didn’t really matter to me.
Mexican Catholic female…
My Irish Catholic boyfriend seems to expect much more wife-like behavior from me as his girlfriend. I question this—I’m not even yet his fiancee, how did we skip to wife? Our expectations vary widely as to what our roles are. My family embraced him after I was asked and answered correctly; Are you going to keep this one?
I’m with manila. I don’t really understand the difference between your relationship and one with the labels of ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend.’ Winning her a toy at the fair? Spending the holidays together? You went to a wedding together! She took care of you when you were sick!
It could be a cultural or religious thing. Or she could be terrified of settling down forever with the very first person she had sex with (or both – just because she had sex before marriage doesn’t mean she believes in divorce).
In reading your description of your friends and how they interact, I take back what I said. Your friends sound a little nutty, but sane and functional. This girl may or may not be sane, but her way of dealing with people doesn’t sound very healthy.
Personally, I think you’re temporarily blinded by your infatuation with her. She does not sound like she would be compatible with you as a long-term partner.
Enjoy what you’ve got for now, and don’t let yourself get too attached.
Incubus, the fact that you cannot talk to her about the status of your relationship seems like an unhealthy indicator to me. You’re having to hide part of yourself (the part that you’re expressing in your OP) to conform to parameters that she has unilaterally imposed.
As far as how long do you wait, I think it’s usually futile to wait around hoping that someone will change. This is who she is, and this is what she’s willing to give you. If you’re hoping for more, I think you’ll drive yourself crazy.
If you’re OK with where things are, it’s not my place to try to argue you out of it. Keep in mind, though, that with the emotional energy you’re directing at this relationship, you could be out there finding someone who will interact with you more openly and equally, as a “real” girlfriend.
She’s already decided that you aren’t “Mr. Right” but instead considers you “Mr. Right Now” and has left herself an escape exit. She doesn’t want to be alone and single so she’s keeping you on the hook till she finds something better. Commiting to boyfriend/girlfriend status in her mind means messy difficult breakup when she finds the new guy. By keeping it FWB she can flirt with other guys (why, no, I don’t have a boyfriend) and can make a clean cut with you if needed (hey, it’s not like we were boyfriend/girlfriend).
You’re kind of stuck in that “I want to be more than just friends” mode while she’s in that “I just want to be friends” mode (sex benefits aside).
It’s not even necessarily that she is Catholic but that her family has expectations and she has decided it’s important to meet their expectations. I do think you’re right though that some Catholics will fall back on Catholic traditions even when they don’t necessarily follow the guidelines of the faith on other things.
I have a friend who will occasionally bring up how much she resents how she was treated when she wanted to get married in the Catholic church. She was baptized and brought up Catholic, but wasn’t and isn’t practicing and didn’t bring the kids up Catholic (something you commit to do when getting married in the Church) but somehow felt her marriage would only be “real” if it took place within the Church. The expectation that she would actually be a member of the parish was met with resentment as was going to Confession before taking part in the sacrament of marriage. :rolleyes:
My gut reaction is the same as others, she is using you until something better comes along. Not there is anything wrong with that; she likes you, enjoys her time with you, and does not really want to be completly single. The problem is that you have fallen hard and it’s going to suck when this stage of the relationship ends, which it will, I guarantee it. I suppose there could be a time where she changes here mind and wants a more serious romantic relationship, but usually you know pretty much immediately if you want to go there with a partner and she seems to have really made up her mind.
If I were you, I would enjoy the relationship, love and be loved, and try remember every day that this is just a temporary affair and will someday end. If it blossoms into something more, great. If not, well it was fun while it lasted. While she has this attitude, I would be sure to keep my eyes open for other possibilities. It would sure suck to miss the hook up with your future wife because you were too focused on a lover that had no intentions of ever making a permanent connection… Just my 2 cents.