How Many _____ Does It Take...?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

How many danielpbostaphs?
I dunno, but I bet the bulb would be really large and annoying to look at.

How many Chicago SDMBers?
Three. UncleBeer to hold the ladder, and Omniscient to climb the ladder, screw the bulb in and look down Valerie’s shirt.

How many handys?
"light·bulb
noun
Pronunciation: 'lIt-"bulb
Date: 1884
: an electric lamp in which a filament gives off light when heated to incandescence by an electric current – called also incandescent, incandescent bulb, incandescent lightbulb

Copyright 1999 Merriam-Webster, Incorporated"

How many Nanobytes?
“OK, after reformatting my first plan for replacing the bulb for line length, I have created a graph of the number for selfish lightbulbs and their cowboy-like tendency to burn out. Furthermore I would like to reference … [Next four pages deleted]”

How many MPSIMSers?
Thirteen. One to change the bulb, and twelve to give her hugs after she relates the experience to everyone else in detail.

How many MarkSerlins?
Three, one for each screen name. And that better be one skinny bulb.

How many KrispyOriginals?
How ever many Art Bell says to use.

How many DrainBeads?
None. And you’re not supposed to know that the bulb went out.

How many ahas?
I don’t think he can reach it from the can.

How many Michelles?
One, but there’d be about 100 lightbulbs begging to be screwed in by her.

How many “About this Message Board” posters?
Both of them.

If I wanted smoke blown up my ass, I’d be at home with a pack of cigarettes and a short length of hose.

42

I always liked this one:

How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?

Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle, and one to change the bulb.

43

How many hippies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Hippies don’t screw in lightbulbs, they screw in VW’s.

How many Deadheads does it take to change a lightbulb?
Deadheads don’t change lightbulbs, they follow them around for 20 years after they burn out.

“I hope life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it,” Jack Handy

The Kat House
Join the FSH Webring

44

Alpha, those were great.

A slight variation on the theme.

What is the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew the lightbulb.

Jeffery

45

At the risk of incurring his wrath…Alpha, I think I love you.

“But I can cry until I laugh or laugh until I cry.
So cut the deck right in half, I’ll play from either side…”

  • Mary Chapin Carpenter
46

Got another, this one’s not original:

Note 1: for those who don’t already know, an LJBF is a person who,
unconsciously and subliminally convinces you that you are without doubt, the
man/woman s/he’s been looking for all his/her life, then crushes your ego,
self-respect, and will-to-live by uttering the four most awful words in the
English language:

                       "Let's Just be Friends"

Note 2: To avoid the awkwardness inherent in non-sexist writing (his/her,
s/he, etc.) one has composed this joke from the point of view of a male
being LJBF’ed. This is more in keeping with the author’s own personal
experience :slight_smile: No sexist sentiment is intended or implied; female readers
may substitute “his” for “her” etc. With that in mind…

Q: How many LJBFs does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, who will…

… call you up every night for three months and talk to you for hours on
end, about how bad her current light bulb is, how it goes out without
warning, and never provides her with the kind of light she would really love
to have.

… tell you what a wonderful light bulb you have, and how any woman would
die to have such a light bulb.

… tell you it’s amazing that your light bulb has been sitting alone in
it’s little corrugated cardboard tube for the last six months and even more
amazing that you don’t have a dozen sockets to screw it into.

… call you up at three o’clock on a Monday morning, (destroying any chance
you had of being alert, much less coherent at that crucial business meeting
at 8 am) to agonise about the fight she had with her light bulb, and to tell
you that she finally lost her temper with it and unscrewed the light bulb
forever.

… be shocked at your offer of a replacement bulb, and will tell you that
she could never screw your light bulb into her empty socket, that doing so
would ruin the light it gives out, and that it’s too good a bulb for her
anyway, but that she hopes she’ll still be able to come over and talk to you
about her light bulb problems.

… go home, rummage through the trash can, find the defunct light bulb,
lovingly clean it off, screw it back into the socket, and sit there in the
dark.

… call you up every night for three months…

47

Any more?

>< DARWIN >
__L___L

48

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Fish.

How many New Jerseyites?
Three. One to change the bulb, one to be a witness, and one to shoot the witness.

How many Microsoft programmers?
Three. One to change the bulb, and one to hold the ladder.

How many Democrats?
Forty-eight, one from each socio-economic group.

How many Republicans?
None, they hire a Democrat.

How many civil engineers?
One to very carefully go over the specs, one to inspect the wiring, one to examine the bulb for any flaws, and one to screw it into a faucet.

How many goths?
Turn off that fucking light! You’re making my eyes hurt!

How many Santa Feans?
One hundred, one to change the bulb, and ninety-nine to attend the grand opening.

Those are all the ones I can think of off the top of my head, if I remember any more, you’ll be the first to know.

An infinite number of rednecks in an infinite number of pickup trucks shooting an infinite number of shotguns at an infinite number of road signs will eventually produce all the world’s great works of literature in Braille.

49

How many screws does it take to screw in a light bulb?

…!

How many light bulbs does it take to screw in a light bulb?

…!*#!! :sweep: …!

Designated Optional Signature at Bottom of Post

50

How many Big Ten students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

At MICHIGAN it takes two. One to change the light bulb, and one to explain how they did it every bit as well as any Ivy Leaguer.

At NORTHWESTERN it takes three. One to change the bulb, and two to phone a friend at Michigan to get instructions.

At MICHIGAN STATE it takes four. One to screw in the bulb, three to figure how to get high off the old one, and then all four get drunk and start a street riot.

At OHIO STATE it takes five. One to change, it, two to talk about how “Woody” would have done it, and two to throw the old one at Michigan students.

At WISCONSIN it takes six. One to change it, two to mix the drinks, and three to find the perfect J. Crew sweater to wear for the occasion.

At ILLINOIS it takes seven, and each one gets four semester credits for it.

At INDIANA it takes eight. One to screw it in and seven to discuss how much brighter it shines during basketball season.

At MINNESOTA it takes twelve. Two to figure out how to screw it in and ten to find an ugly enough lampshade to match their school colors.

At PENN STATE it takes one hundred. One to change the bulb, 49 to talk about how they used to do it better before they joined the Big Ten, and 50 who realize it’s all a lie.

At IOWA it takes none. They have no electricity in Iowa.

Question authority–just not mine.

51

And from the world of rock ‘n’ roll…

How many lead guitarists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Eleven. One to do it, and ten to watch and say, “I can do that better.”

How many lead singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. The world revolves around them.

Yer pal,
Satan

52

Howmany BritCom preachers does it take?

Feck!!! Gerls!!

Sorry, I just really like to type those two words… and I wanted to bump this back up.

“C’mon, it’s not even tomorrow yet…” - Rupert

If you need a graphic solution, http:\ alk.to\Piglet