Wow, really? I mean, first of all I’m sure you’ve at least one acquaintance who falls into that group and just doesn’t want to tell you. I’m in the UK, aged 24, and I know a few people who fall into either or both categories. Religious people, for example. I myself didn’t have a relationship until I was 22 - many of my friends had started way before, but there were enough who hadn’t that I didn’t feel completely odd.
I don’t see how this last one relates at all to introversion or extroversion. There are extroverts who are big-time scaredy-cats–afraid to go anywhere by themselves, think for themselves, or do unconventional things because they’re afraid of what others think.
Not necessarily. There are extroverts who have nothing but superficial relationships. You know, those types that have a million “friends”. But if anyone tries to establish a real relationship with them–where the person has to open up some–then they pull back. They are like the guy who is afraid of committment and just wants to “hang out”. They are the woman who chats away about trivial matters, like soap operas and celebrity gossip, but goes mum if the conversation steers towards personal matters.
So while I agree that introverts tend to show this trait more than extroverts, it is not within their domain exclusively.
I was pointing out that introversion is not pathological, like Incubus was intimating it is. It’s just another personality style. It should not be used as an excuse for why a person has never had a relationship because most introverts are in fact in relationships. “Shyness” is not a trait of the introvert. “Retiring” is. “Shyness” is a kind of fear. Introverts lack a high degree of social stamina, but NOT necessarily courage.
You mentioned that you can imagine a friendless, socially awkward extrovert. I can envision that person eventually suffering from their situation so much that they become shy around people, for fear of saying and doing the wrong thing. But that doesn’t mean they still don’t want friends or to be around people. It just means that they’re afraid of being socially awkward, like always. That’s who I had in mind, but I imagine there are plenty of other ways a shy extrovert may come about.
Many people assume people with autism/Asperger’s are introverted. No, many of them are in fact extroverted. But they are also socially awkward and friendless. Their situation is very painful, much more so than than the shy introvert’s. At least the introvert doesn’t mind being alone.
(bolding mine)
I find this hilarious. I consider myself mildly introverted, and I tend to ask questions to other people because I don’t always like the attention being on me. In my experience, extroverts will often return this, but are also more likely to be happy to talk about themselves at length.
I find it strange that you would use that thread to prove your point. Yes, there are introverts who get it wrong too. But where is the thread asking extroverts if they would like to be more introverted? It is just assumed that introverts WANT to change, and most of the posters in that thread only confirmed this.
I do realize that when we’ve been generalizing a lot, and I have tried to be careful to add the appropriate qualifiers. In reality, I think most people fall right in the middle of the spectrum. Most people identify more with extroversion probably because that is seen as healthier and “cooler.” But because most people DO NOT need people hanging around them all the time, that would indicate to me that most people carry a fair degree of introverted qualities as well as extroverted ones.
Once my very extroverted sister told me that she was deeply concerned that I was too introverted and freaked out when I mentioned that I routinely went to the movies alone and ate out alone. I flipped the table and told her I was deeply concerned that she had never done these things before. I really wasn’t concerned, but my point is that having a constant entourage is just as abnormal as being a lone wolf. But who ends up carrying the biggest stigma in our society? It is not fair.
This is a beautiful and concise explanation of the whole thing. I think I may be or have been the introverted-ish person here described until the world out there gave me something of a face-slapping and I adapted. It seems to me to be correct to connect the behaviours described here to introversion and extraversion but even if introversion-extraversion is something else this exists too. And for the thing that does exist this description seems remarkably accurate. I don’t state this for any other reason than that I find the volley of criticism here somewhat lacking in grace. Whether it is good criticism or not.
Well, yes, if you think being introverted is bad, you’re certainly going to agree with that and think the criticism is ill-founded.
Well, isn’t this just an uplifting thread? :dubious:
Male, straight, 35 years old. I didn’t answer “no” on this poll because I did technically have a few relationships. All lasted less than 6 months. One of them could be considered a fairly “normal” romantic relationship, whatever “normal” means. Apparently I am, on some level I can’t recognize or control, emotionally abusive.
Another seemed to be mostly based in mutual desperation, and was heavy in emotional abuse from both sides of the relationship. This did not end well.
And the other, the one I deeply and truly regret to this day… We clicked on every level, I was wild about her, and in retrospect I can see that she was wild about me. The day we met seemed straight out of Hollywood, if Hollywood made love-story movies about geeks. Think “walking together for hours, getting drenched in pouring rain, until around 4 in the morning, laughing and smiling, talking about Monty Python and UNIX”, heh. Looking back, I can remember how much she used to smile just from being around me, and for no other reason.
Alas, something just “isn’t right” inside me, and I ruined it. My self esteem is so low that I guess I just thought everything was too good to be true, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I ran away before it could. I was too dense to see just how mutual our feelings were. I decided to move 1200 miles away, quite suddenly. When I got to my destination, I found out she had been talking to a good friend of mine, they were both sad that I had up and left. He told me she said she didn’t understand it, she thought she was going to marry me. When I heard this, I even more suddenly decided to go back. Pretty much just jumped in my car and left at that very moment. Of course when I got back, she was a bit distant, after I had been so unstable. And rather than trying to fix things, my reaction was to leave again after three days! What an idiot. That all amounts to pretty much my biggest regret in life.
So, while I’ve had a few relationships, and thus can’t actually answer “no” to the poll… none were long, all ended poorly, and I’ve long since given up on finding another. Despite the fact that now and then I feel deep regret and melancholy about the “one that got away” (or, more accurately, I pushed away), for the most part I have made peace with the situation and accepted it.
Wonder how I’ll feel about all of it in another 10 years or so? Hmm…
I just find observing human behavior a lot more interesting in participating in it. 
If you don’t mind me asking, how did it happen? Did the other person make the first move or did you just determine the upside was too great not to risk it?
Ouch.
Well, all through my teens and 20s I had been too shy to talk to girls. So I never went out on any dates. But I saw my friends and acquaintances get dates and then, as I got older, they started having sex (it was clear) and even getting married.
I was very jealous.
Finally when I was in my late 20s I just got fed up and decided that I wasn’t going to let my shyness prevent me from having what I really wanted. So I started forcing myself to go to social events. And when I went to those social events, I would force myself to talk to attractive women.
It wasn’t easy, because it took myself way outside my comfort zone. But I knew that it was a goal I really wanted to reach.
It took about a year of going to a lot of social events – maybe once a week – before I finally had developed the skills to talk to a woman in a reasonably coherent way, and could ask her out, and she said yes.
That first relationship only lasted a couple of months. But it proved that I could attract a woman, so from then on I was OK.
Funny, I suffer from the exact opposite syndrome. Post coitum depression can hit me really hard sometimes.
monstro, you really crack me up.
Finally, a question for the long term virgins here, have you ever tried it with your own sex? I’m not talking about being so clueless with dating the other sex that you have to somehow settle for a “second rate” sexuality just to get some sex. But, maybe, the non attraction to sex means a non attraction to the other sex only.
Just wondering.
P.S: I’m pretty certain Marxxx meant he had no relationship, not that he didnt have any sex.
No, trust me, I know which gender I’m attracted to.
Yeah, my one and only point was that people on both sides make assumptions at times. FWIW (i.e., exactly nothing), I am an introvert as well.
Not to pick on you at all, but did you work on that? See somebody, talk to people about it?
It would be someone who goes to a party full of strangers, desperately wants to strike up a conversation, but can’t seem to get over their approach anxiety. An introvert would be perfectly content just sort of hanging out in the background not talking to anyone. In fact they would prefer it.
The reason no one asks an extrovert if they would want to be more introverted is that extroversion is a more dominant behavioral trait. Sort of like being taller, more attractive or wealthier, being extroverted (or at least gregarious) provides you with tools that enable you to interact with more people under more circumstances. If you are introverted or withdrawn, it is a more passive character trait. Because the introvert or recluse is less likely to make a first move, it is more dependent on other people to reach out to you.
That’s funny. I’ve always thought the opposite.
You and Capitaine Zombie both, it seems. Maybe I’m just weird, but I prefer it that way. The effect is most obvious with my first girlfriend, whom I hadn’t really noticed and didn’t find especially attractive before we got together, but who soon enough became in my mind one of the sexiest girls I’d ever met (and remains so to this day, even though I haven’t seen her in a long time). Of course, it’s also because I got to know her, and because (being my first girlfriend) she acted with me in a way no one had acted before.
Male, 27, straight, never been in a relationship, want to be.
I feel quite different to a lot of the posters so far though, even though I suspect the reality is quite similar in many cases. I’m an extrovert, believe I’m physically reasonably attractive and interesting personality-wise, and have a decent career plan (though I’m studying again at the moment). I just have little idea about the practical actions to take to go from talking to a girl to getting into a relationship. I went to a boys only school when I was younger and didn’t get the early experience and experimentation that leads to capability and confidence in starting relationships later on.
I know that there’s nothing wrong with me though, I just have some (late) learning to do. That’s a difficult thing to accept when you’ve had no empirical evidence to confirm it - it seems very likely that there’s something intrinsically wrong with you when ‘everyone’ else seems to be able to get into a relationship ‘without any trouble’. Darwin says that’s pretty unlikely to be the case - your parents got together after all, so this is more likely to be nurture than nature, and anything you missed out on there can be overcome with effort.
So, accepting this, I’ve been talking very openly with friends and others, getting advice, reading and trying out when I can pluck up the confidence to do so (and knowing exactly what you want to say beforehand helps). I’m making progress and have, a few times now, been able to ask a girl out such that she understood I was asking with romantic intent, and in what seemed to be a reasonably casual way. The last time (about a month ago - I need to try much more often) the girl seemed very happy that I had, even though she had/claimed a boyfriend. So, progress, albeit slow, but what’s worthwhile takes effort…
However, some changes you can make relatively quickly. A couple of months ago I ‘borrowed’ a friend’s wife and asked her to take me shopping and give me some style advice. Since then I’ve been dressing far better and have sometimes noticed girls looking at me. And last weekend for the first time a girl made a move on me (leading to kissing, cuddling…), something I’d put down significantly to making that effort to look better.
So any of you who haven’t been in a relationship but want to be, you’ve got some work to put in. But that’s it, so get going!
Thanks suranyi. I’m always curious as to how people break out of their shell.
female 20-29, never been in relationship.l…