Self-selecting poll, maybe. People who decline to answer are probably reserved and cautious in other areas of their lives, too. People who don’t mind sharing a little… well, you know.
My answer is skewed because I’ve never been on a blind date (nor would I) and I’ve never been out with someone I didn’t already know quite a bit about. When I’ve gone out with coworkers it’s been after sitting a lunch table quite a few times, passing some emails and texts back and forth, walking during breaks, talking on the phone late at night.
A couple. But it wasn’t all the way to sex. I used to meet men at clubs a lot when I was younger and often a group of us would come back to my house after and then everyone would end up spending the night and the one I was talking to would sleep in my bed with me and the other suckers were left with the futon or floor.
None. Call me a prude, but I’ve always been old fashioned enough to really get to know someone before getting it on. Quite a few women have dumped me after a handful of dates and then said “I really like you and you’re definitely the most decent guy I’ve ever dated but we just don’t have … this … connection.” I know what that means, and I don’t really think I missed out on anything. I have a great life, a great marriage, a great family, and I’d say things have worked out well for me.
True. I think it’s closer to reality than not though since it’s pretty much what I see on a day-to-day basis. This is anecdotal too but how scientific can one get with this type of thing?
This is pertinent to the topic at hand. I feel like when you meet somebody and spark a sexual attraction there’s only a certain window of opportunity until the other person moves on. It’s said that you’ll know if you find somebody attractive and would sleep with them within the first few seconds of meeting them and I’ve found that to be true.
I imagine that attractive women get hit on quite frequently and do not have much of a problem when it comes to finding a potential romantic interest. In general, men are expected to make the first move as well. So I think that men who fail to make a sexual advance quickly may be looked at as weak to a woman because they are “perceived” as afraid to take it to the next level.
This seems paradoxical though as people should probably appreciate a person who wants to get to know them better before taking it any further.
I think the second is true more often than not. Most of my girlfriends claim some more old fashioned ideals and would expect to date a few times before getting physical, and a couple might take offense if a guy attempted anything more than a polite kiss on the first date. And I’m also positive they would make that clear by actions and body language. For me, though, I’m pretty affectionate and physical by nature, and choose partners with similar attitudes, so my date gets pretty clear signals that it’s okay/expected that we’re gonna at least kiss before the date is over.
In a perfect world conservative guys and girls would gravitate towards one another and the same would be true for more aggressive people, but dating sounds like it’s hit or miss. I’d say to throw convention out the window and play close attention to your date’s words, actions, and attitude. If your date isn’t touching you, showing affection, isn’t making flirtatious noises, it’s probably not a good idea to make a sexual advance other than a polite kiss, to hell with being perceived as “weak”. Follow your instincts and your own morality before succumbing to pressure to conform to some stereotypical ideal of what “most men” would do.
Of my three serious LTRs, the first two started that way. Only the third started with a traditional date, and that was because I was sort-of seeing someone else but undecided about whether it was going to pan out. It didn’t, but I didn’t hit the sack with the guy I later married until out third date, which was quite a long time for both of us.
I’m 50, and the marriage is still going strong after 22 years, although I don’t think it would have made any difference whether we had sex before our first date or after the third.
This is a very interesting discussion. It’s thought-provoking. How exactly do these hookups happen?
Am I the only one who is loath to give pleasure to someone who might have deal-breakers related to morality?
Also, I’ve always been afraid of coming on too strongly, to avoid being perceived as “creepy” or “clingy.” I thought one ought to go on a few low-intensity dates first, before upping the ante. I realize that I’ve never actually heard a woman say “Well I never” or “I’m not that kind of girl” and/or slap a man, so am I mistaken?
I once had something similar to a one-night stand, in which she invited me to her place on the (partially legitimate) pretense of listening to music. Like the question above, would it be uncouth to extend this invitation to a woman I know?
Married 12 years, though it depends on who you ask. To me, suddenly we’re drunk in a bar bathroom and making out. If you ask her, that was the culmination of several months of screamingly obvious signaling on her part. But if that were the case I really think I’d have noticed.
This cracks me up, it reads like self sabotage. You have no reason to assume that an affectionate date behaves the same way with others. Maybe she just really, really likes you. And if you give her demerits because she really, really finds you appealing…well, the alternative is to ask out people who are indifferent to you. Which do you prefer?
I’ve never had sex with someone before dating them. In fact, that sort of thing is usually how friends start a litany of relationship problems. “Well, we had sex, but then I found out…”
No, that’s no what I meant. I meant that she might turn out to have certain beliefs/positions/ideologies/behaviors etc. that I find reprehensible. I wish no pleasure on such people, and I certainly don’t want to be the one to give them any pleasure.
I just realized from your post that I’ve no business contributing to this thread because I have never dated anyone I didn’t know pretty well beforehand. So I don’t have any “dating” experience. I’ll say nothing more and get out of the way.
Ah gotcha, sorry I misunderstood, thought you were describing a watered down version of the Madonna/whore complex “Why would I want to date a woman who wants to have sex with me?” Anyway, see my previous post. I’d never consider a date with someone who I didn’t share common beliefs, hobbies, and goals with so I’d never gamble on sex before having a good idea of who I’m dealing with. I’ll see myself out the side door…
Yep. I’m 68, and my first husband and I dated for over two years before we hooked up.
Forty years later, I slept with my second/current husband on our first date, which consisted of a six pack and a blanket on the ground down by the river. Didn’t even have a van.
I agree with you Troppus but I would just say sometimes I don’t even feel like I get signals as much as I just fall into these situations. I’m sure they are there as I meet and talk with anyone before getting physical. It just seems like the jump from mere acquaintance to lover can happen pretty quickly. A simple kiss is a big step for a lot of people.
Of course, it’s ok because people should be able to express how they feel to one another as they please. And we do for the most part. What I think is really at question here is people’s feelings on the subject.
Every one of my 5 long term (multi-year) relationships started by hooking up sans any date. Every time it was obviously it was a different kind of passion than a casual fling.
Full disclosure I did always vet them through some form of shared connections. The ones I dated/cohabited with etc…not the flings, one night stands etc…
They were all smart, kind and amazing women and I feel lucky to have had them in my life.
I don’t require it or expect it in a woman to be dateable but hey…follow that flame and see how hot it burns IMHO.