I’m not poly. But I read these threads with interest. Are there are more polyamorous people here or do polyamorous people on the Dope feel more comfortable talking about it?
I suspect both. Certainly there’s a higher tolerance of difference here than in many places, and there have been a number of poly-related threads. Back during the big gay marriage legalization debate era a few years ago, there was a fascinating thread discussing possible legalities of poly marriages.
Or . . . I’m not poly, but my spouses are.
I totally understand–I was reading a thread a while back about someone being poly because one person can’t fulfill someone’s every emotional need and so you have other people to help provide things your spouse can’t, and my first thought was “Yeah, everybody needs those people, but most folks call 'em friends and don’t get naked with 'em.”
But it’s something that tends to come up relatively often in discussions of polyamory, this sort of notion that monogamy is something unfairly imposed upon someone by an over-controlling partner. And that’s kind of weird, because it’s not like poly relationships are a free-for-all, with both partners having carte blanche to do whatever they feel like. They’ve all got rules, fairly carefully negotiated rules as I understand it, and nobody seems to feel those are unfairly imposed upon anybody by an over-controlling partner.
The rules don’t mean you can’t do something, they just mean that if you choose to do that thing, your partner will most likely choose to stop being your partner. Likewise, my husband is free to have romantic and sexual relationships with anyone who’ll have him. It’s just that if he chooses to do so with anyone else, I’ll choose to dump his ass.
Poly?
I’m lucky if I can get mono.
I think there’s been a misunderstanding. “Poly” is short for polyamorous, which refers to a non-exclusive romantic relationship. It sounds like you’re talking about bisexuality.
I’m not poly myself, although I was exploring it as a possibility for a while. I ended up with a monogamous partner, so I never had to deal with whether I’m capable of being in a poly relationship. There’s a large poly community here in Boston/Cambridge, and most of the people in the local BDSM community are poly. A couple single, monogamous friends of mine have complained that they can’t find kinky, monogamous people to date. 
Poly is necessarily non-exclusive? I thought it just drew the lines of the exclusive group a little larger. Cheating–that is, deceitfully starting a relationship with another person without the knowledge or consent of the people already in relationship with you–would still be frowned upon. I guess I just think of it in terms of a larger marriage. I am quite prepared to find that there are people who don’t want to know everyone their partners are seeing.
I think TWO meant non-exclusive in the sense of not being just the two of you, not in the sense of having free reign to bone anybody who strikes your fancy. In that sense, then yeah, poly is pretty necessarily non-exclusive.
Quite. I was trying to give it a short definition to differentiate it from monogamy. A good definition of polyamory is hard to pin down, since every polyamorous couple draws their own boundaries based on their comfort level.
Wouldn’t that be ‘just the three of you’ or whatever? I see it as still being exclusive. I think comparing groups of three or more to exclusive groups of two is a little misleading here; it clouds the distinction between exclusive groups of two, exclusive groups of three or more, and non-exclusive groups of whatever size.
But that’s the tech writer in me, always seeking clarity…
No, I meant two. He was using non-exclusive in the commonly accepted sense of not being a monogamous dyad, which is the sense most people understand the term. And in that sense, yes, being poly is indeed necessarily non-exclusive. If you’re a monogamous dyad, you’re pretty definitively not poly, ya know?
But being poly doesn’t necessarily mean having an open relationship, where you’re free to form relationships with people on an individual basis instead of being one big group.
Ah, okay, I think I understand your usage now, CCL. Thanks.
I eschew the term “polyamory” for various reasons, but I’ve been open and ethically non-monogamous most of my dating life.
26, female, almost exclusively attracted to women.
Would you mind expanding on those reasons, or are they just too private?
I’m another chiming in as poly, but pretty much only in theory these days. Have been more actively poly in the past, and woul dlike to be again at some point. (Bi woman partnered with a bi/lesbian woman.)
Sorry to be pedantic, but can we make a distinction between open relationships and polyamory here? As far as I can tell, open relationships mean that a couple are romantically exclusive but not sexually exclusive, whereas polyamory means not limiting either one. There’s a large difference because I believe it’s possible to be faithful to one’s partner and (if an agreement is made) have other sexual partners, as long as no emotional connections are developed or pursued.
From what I’ve heard, a polyamorous yet closed relationship is referred to as polyfidelitous. But it is hard to pin down a classification of any open relationship, IMO.
This is why I prefer the more cumbersome ‘Ethically Non-monogamous’.
For one thing, “poly” often implies a certain community and set of mores I’m not really keen on associating myself with. (No disrespect intended to poly dopers!) Also, I’m perhaps more into what Electric Warrior describes as “open relationships” than full-on polyamory. I’m utterly uninterested in sexual exclusivity beyond the demands of safety. However, I’m also only interested in having one serious romance in my life at a time, and committing to my (currently theoretical) partner as being their absolute, forsaking-all-others-if-it-comes-to-it lifepartner is important to me. I have many poly friends who have more than one true love, or varying tiers of spouses and girl-or-boyfriends, and it seems to work for them, but it’s not for me. (I could see theoretically being in an emotionally fidelous partnership triad, but it’s not something I’d especially prefer or expect to ever find.)
I also know a few couples who are very committed to each other, and are fine with their partners having casual sex with other people, but not going beyond casual sex with those partners. I don’t quite fit into that either. I tend to prefer to have sex with dear friends who I’m comfortable offering real intimacy to, though the associated feelings are only friendly and lustful, not romantic.
So yeah, ethical non-monogamy for me. My current situation includes a married woman whom I’m becoming very close to and am happy to make out and share a bed with when I can journey the 100 miles to see her. Her husband and I are very friendly, though not especially close. (I’m not attracted to him, but am very open to becoming better friends with him.) She and he both have other romantic partners, and identify as polyamorous. I also have a very, very dear friend-- I hesitate to say he’s my BFF, but close to it --whom I love very much and am similarly loved by, albeit in a very “platonic” way. He and I get up to various S&M hijinks and some limited sexual activity. (I’m essentially lesbian, and my sexual interest in men is very idiosyncratic.) He has a de facto wife, and both she and he enjoy casual sexual relationships with others, making my tight friendship with him something of an anomaly. Took some delicate adjustments early on, but we’re good now. And until recently, I had another good friend who I’d met as a fuckbuddy but ended up coming to be genuine friends with. We had sex fairly regularly, but have recently called it quits because my friend’s fallen hard for someone and doesn’t wish to complicate the early stages of a potential serious relationship. I was very surprised by how ok with this I was, and I think our remaining real friends (though giving each other some distance while we readjust) went a long way towards enabling me to not feel abandoned or snubbed.
If I met someone who was an excellent lifepartner in me in every way, but wasn’t comfortable with non-monogamy, I would be completely capable of being monogamous for the sake of the relationship, and I don’t think I’d mind overmuch-- a bit like selling the sports car when one settles down. I’d rather I didn’t have to, and most people I really click with probably wouldn’t need me to, but non-monogamy is less of a need for me and more of a “why not?” Which is another thing separating me from some poly types, who view it as almost a sexual orientation, or an immutable part of themselves.
In much of the world it’s not called “poly,” it’s called “he keeps mistresses.” On occasion “both have discreet liaisons.”