Here’s my contribution:
Pumping the Bishop
Yours truly,
aha
Spanking the monkey.
“I thought: opera, how hard can it be? Songs. Pretty girls dancing. Nice scenery. Lots of people handing over cash. Got to be better than the cut-throat world of yoghurt, I thought.” - Seldom Bucket
Cuffing the Bishop
Clown Boxing
Waxing the Dolphin
I was at a George Carlin show were he came up with at least 50 ways to say male masterbation, but could only come up with 3 ways say female masterbation
Pull over.
Do you know why I stopped you? Exactly.
I’m going to let you off with a warning. On your journey. Don’t let me catch you again.
It’s “masturbation.”
And we all know what it is and how to do it. So why do we have to have some alternate name for it?
Like “Floggin’ the Dog”?
Thanks Walley and glad you are feeling ok!
Yours truly,
aha
oh and another contribution:
Lopin the mule
Yours truly,
aha
“dating the palm sisters”
“Pull Over”
I thought for a minute that was Wally’s contribution to the OP.
Wackin’ Off
beating the meat, yanking the crank, slamming the ham, whipping the willy…
Gettin’ jizzy wit it. 
Rose
I told you not to be stupid, you moron.
Having a tug of war with cyclops.
Dating Rosy Palm and her five sisters.
Pullin’ pud.
You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.
Slappin’ the salami.
Beatin’ the meat.
(female)Knocking the little man out of the boat.
Mike Mulligan had a steam shovel,
a beautiful red steam shovel.
Her name was Mary Anne.
Sorry RTF, brain fart…
377 ways:
1 Michael Mastersonbation
2 Arm-wrestle with your one-eyed vessel
3 Attack the one-eyed purple-headed warrior
4 Audition the finger puppets
5 Audition your hand puppet
6 Backstroke roulette
7 Bash the candle
8 Battle with the Purple Helmeted Warrior of Love
9 Be your own best friend
10 Beat off
11 Beat the Bishop
12 Beat the bologna
13 Beat the dummy
14 Beat the meat
15 Beat the pud
16 Beat the stick
17 Beat up your date
18 Beef tips stroking off
19 Bleed the weed
20 Blow your load
21 Blow your own horn
22 Bludgeon the beefsteak
23 Bop the bippy
24 Bop the bologna
25 Bop the bonzo
26 Box the Jesuit
27 Box with Richard
28 Buff the banana
29 Bugger your hand
30 Burp the baby
31 Burp the worm
32 Butter the corn
33 Caning the vandal
34 Charm the snake
35 Check for testicular cancer
36 Cheese off
37 Choke Kojak
38 Choke the chicken
39 Choke the sheriff and wait for the posse to come
40 Clamp the pipe
41 Clean your rifle
42 Clear the snorkel
43 Climb the tree
44 Closet Frisbee
45 Come into your own
46 Cook the cream of cock
47 Corral your tadpole
48 Couch hockey for one
49 Crank the love pump
50 Crank the shank
51 Crimp the wire
52 Crown the king
53 Cuddle the kielbasa
54 Cuff the carrot
55 Daisy-chaining
56 Date Miss Michigan
57 Date Mrs. Palmer and Her five daughters
58 Date Rosie Palm and her five sisters
59 Defrosting the fridge
60 Diddle
61 Digital penile oscillation
62 Do It Your Way
63 Do handiwork
64 Do the White Knuckler
65 Do the janitor thing
66 Drain the monster
67 Dry humping the ottoman
68 Electing the President
69 Engage in safe sex
70 Exercise one’s right
71 Feed the ducks
72 Fiddle the flesh flute
73 Fist fuck
74 Fist your mister
75 Five knuckle shuffle
76 Five-knuckle-shuffle on the old piss pump
77 Flick your Bic
78 Fling your phallus
79 Flip the Bishop
80 Flog the Bishop
81 Flog the dog
82 Flog the dolphin
83 Flog the dong
84 Flog the hog
85 Flog the log
86 Flog the mule
87 Fly fishing
88 Fondle your flagpole
89 Free Willy
90 Friggit
91 Frost the pastries
92 Gallop the antelope
93 Gallop the old lizard
94 Genital stimulation via phallengetic motion
95 Get a date with Slick Mittens
96 Get chafed
97 Get off
98 Get the German soldier marching
99 Get to know yourself
100 Get your pole varnished
101 Give it a tug
102 Give your low five
103 Go a couple of rounds with ol’ Josh
104 Go blind
105 Go on a date with Fisty Palmer
106 Go on a date with Handrea and Palmela
107 Go the blow
108 Goose the gherkin
109 Grease the pipe
110 Hack the hog
111 Hand job
112 Hand shandy
113 Hard labor
114 Have one off the wrist
115 Hitchhike to heaven
116 Hitchhike underneath the big top
117 Hold the Bishop
118 Hold the sausage hostage
119 Hone the cone
120 Honk your horn
121 Hug the hog
122 Human version of AUTOEXEC.BAT
123 Hump your hose
124 Jack hammer
125 Jack off
126 Jazz yourself
127 Jerk
128 Jerk Jamby
129 Jerk it
130 Jerk off
131 Jerk the gherkin
132 Jizzlob
133 JocelynEldering
134 Kick your roommate out for five to ten minutes to “call your parents”
135 Look for ticks
136 Lope the mule
137 Love the muppet
138 Love’s labors lost
139 Make a foreskin cone
140 Make instant pudding
141 Make the bald man puke
142 Making soup
143 Mangle the midget
144 Manipulate the mango
145 Manual labor
146 Manual override
147 Master Bacon, meet Rosie Hancock
148 Meat with Mother Thumb and her four daughters
149 Milk the Lizard
150 Milk the cow
151 Milk the moose
152 Milk the self
153 Milking the lizard
154 Mount a corporal and four
155 Much goo about nothing
156 Nerk your throbber
157 Null the void
158 Oil the glove
159 Onan’s olympics
160 One gun salute
161 One man band
162 One-night-stand with yourself
163 Pack your palm
164 Paddle the pickle
165 Paint the ceiling
166 Paint the pickle
167 Palm the calm
168 Peel some chilis
169 Peel the banana
170 Perform diagnostics on your ManTool
171 Pet the lizard
172 Pip the pumpkin
173 Play Uno
174 Play a little five-on-one
175 Play a one stringed guitar
176 Play five against one
177 Play in a one-man show
178 Play peek-a-boo
179 Play pocket pinball
180 Play pocket pool
181 Play tag with the pink torpedo
182 Play the skin flute
183 Play tug-o-war with Cyclops
184 Play with your turtle (for uncircumcised guys)
185 Playing the one-stringed melody
186 Please your pisser
187 Plunk your twanger
188 Polish Percy in your palm
189 Polish the Rocket
190 Polish the family jewels
191 Polish the helmet
192 Polish the rock-hard staff of St. Peter
193 Polish the rocket
194 Polish the sword
195 Pound off
196 Pound the bald-headed moose
197 Pound the pud
198 Pound your flounder
199 Pound your pud
200 Prepare the carrot
201 Prime the pump
202 Pull off
203 Pull rank
204 Pull the bologna pony
205 Pull the carrot
206 Pull the cord
207 Pull the goalie
208 Pull the pole
209 Pull the Pope
210 Pull the pud
211 Pull your own leg
212 Pull your prick
213 Pull your taffy
214 Pump the python
215 Pump the stump
216 Punch the clown
217 Punch the munchkin
218 Punish Percy in your palm
219 Ram the ham
220 Relieve tension
221 Ride the great white knuckler
222 Roll your own
223 Romeo and Himself
224 Rope the pony
225 Rope the Pope
226 Rub off
227 Rub one out
228 Rub the pink eraser
229 Run off a batch by hand
230 Sacrifice sperm to the god of lonely nights
231 Safest sex
232 Sand wood
233 Scour the tower of power
234 Scratch the itch
235 Secret handshake
236 Self abuse
237 Self-induced penile regurgitation
238 Sex with someone you really love
239 Shag
240 Shake hands with Abe Lincoln
241 Shake hands with Yul Brynner
242 Shake hands with the midget
243 Shake hands with the unemployed
244 Shake hands with your John Thomas
245 Shake hands with your wife’s best friend
246 Shake the sauce
247 Shake the sausage
248 Shake the snake
249 Shaling the snake
250 Shellac the shillelagh
251 Shemp the hog
252 Shift gears
253 Shine the helmet
254 Shine your pole
255 Shoot for the moon
256 Shoot putty at the moon
257 Shoot the airplane
258 Shuck your corn
259 Slakin’ the bacon
260 Slam the ham
261 Slam the salami
262 Slam the salmon
263 Slam the spam
264 Slap high fives with Yul Brynner
265 Slap it
266 Slap pappy
267 Slap the carrot
268 Slap the clown
269 Slap the donkey
270 Slap the pud
271 Slap the purple headed yogurt pistol
272 Slap the salami
273 Sling the jelly
274 Smack off
275 Smack the salami
276 Snap the monkey
277 Snap the rubber
278 Snap the whip
279 Solo flight
280 Solo marathon
281 Solo sex
282 Spank Frank (or Elvis)
283 Spank the Bishop
284 Spank the frank
285 Spank the monkey
286 Spank the salami
287 Spank the wank
288 Squeeze the cheese
289 Squeeze the juice
290 Squeeze the toothpaste in the middle of the tube
291 Squeeze your cheese-dog
292 Stinky pinky
293 Stir the batter
294 Stir the yogurt
295 Strain the main vein
296 Stroke it
297 Stroke off
298 Stroke the carrot
299 Stroke the dog
300 Stroke the mole
301 Stroke the one-eyed burping gecko
302 Stroke the satin-headed serpent
303 Stroke your poker
304 S
Sure, H2.
I like it here-can I stay?
And do you have a vacancy for a Back-scrubber?
H2 - It looks like your social calender is booked up for the next twenty years… 
H2
That is truly amazing…I am shaking my head in amazment right now.
Yours truly,
aha
“The Colonel Sanders Heimleich Maneuver”?
“Romeo and Himself”?!?
Buh HAHAHA!
You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.