…if James Earl Jones had actually been in the Darth Vader suit, instead of just the voice?
Fat guy swordfighting while covered in a hundred pounds of black rubber…can’t beat that.
But then poor ol’ David Prowse wouldn’t have his prized status as a movie trivia question.
Way cooler, if only they had killed Jar Jar Binks in the first fifteen seconds of episode one.
yeah, but zenster, Anakin needs some annoyance to drive him to the darkside - as a good jedi, he can’t kill Jar-Jar. Easy choice!
…if we’d actually SEEN a wookie rip someone’s arms off.
…if C3PO hadn’t been quite so jarjar in Empire.
…if there’d been more of a space battle in Phantom Menace.
…if there’d been no hint of immaculate conception (which incidentally was NOT for sure in the book - just hinted at. She said it as if there was no-one around but I’m probably clinging)
…if we’d seen more of the sandpeople in PM.
…if we’d had the aliens from the 5th Element (well maybe not)
… if it had been filmed as a porno flick.
…if Mark Hamill actually looked like he knew how to swordfight.
…if Princess Leah stayed in her prisoner costume for the entire movie (ROTJ)
Frankly, I thought the movie needed some jar jar to distract everyone from how annoying Anakin was…
by the way zenster your sig quote kicks ass.
Lord of the flup
Just because you guys would apprechiate this: while working as a receptionist at a radio station, I spoke to Darth Vader. OK, I spoke to David Prowse, but that’s still friggen awesome. There was a Star Wars convention in Montreal, our station was a sponsor, hence Darth Vader called for an on-air interview. The DJ even talked about my skipping down the hall singing “The Dark Lord is on the phone! And he’s English!”
Also off-topic, we had a Star Wars theme night at the video store last night. Well, not really, but we watched Empire and then Tommy Boy, which MENTIONS Empire. Space Balls was already rented. Feh.
And on-topic, if they mentioned that Luke had gotten into some x-wing accident, thus explaining his mysterious facial changes.
…if, back in Jedi, Luke hadn’t suffered a spiritual metamorphosis from would be hero to Buddhist monk.
…if Jar Jar actually learned how to speak ENGLISH.
…if Darth Maul’s role in Phantom Menace had been more prominent.
…if Nathalie Portman had appeared in every scene of Episode 1.
…if Obi Wan hadn’t died in such senseless fashion.
…if Bo Derek had played the role of Leia.
…if Episode 1 had beaten Titanic at the Box Office.
…if George Lucas finally decided to release the damn thing on DVD.
Howie Long
Howie Long as Jar-Jar?
I think Phantom Menace would go from being a decent movie to a good movie if I could do one thing…
Buy the VHS tape in English
Buy the VHS tape in French
Beg/steal/borrow a recording studio.
Copy the English version, except… every time Jar Jar speaks switch the audio to French and turn on the subtitles.
As long as we’re talking about how to improve a video tape copy of Phantom Menace, here is my suggestion.
Buy the tape, and then record Shakes the Clown over it. You will be amazed at the improvement.
Actually, they did throw a slight explanation for Mark Hamil’s facial damage into The Empire Strikes Back…
Remember? He got whacked upside the head by the snow monster on Hoth and had deep claw marks on one side of his face until they put him in the tube of…well, I know it’s bacta 'cuz I’ve read the novels, but it looked like Sprite before I read 'em.
What if Howie Long were a ninja?
Or if Tony Randall were in it?
Make the Death Star out of a giant soccer ball.
All the stormtroopers are dressed as S&M dominatri(plu?)
Dominatrices…
well, you did ask!
In return, who’s Howie Long?
…if the Pod Racers had headers and Holley 6-barrel carburetors
…if Anakin used the Force to close Jar-Jar’s windpipe
…if the Battle Droids had spinning saw blades and spring-loaded ramrods a la Battlebots
…if Qui-Gon Jinn had a wallet that said “Bad MotherF–ker” on it
…if Boba Fett showed up, kicked everyone’s ass, and brought Natalie Portman’s character back to Jabba’s palace on a dare
…if Anakin lost his podrace and had to sell Natalie Portman into slavery