Thank you. I read this before work and went and mindlessly tossed boxes around for a couple of hours. I have lots of time to think while working on my upper body strength
Not only do I have to think about 2 years, as Cat Whisperer mentioned, what am I going to do in 15 years when M is dead? Considering the stress an evil oil guy is under right now, I’ll probably be lucky to get 10 years out of him.
M seems to be willing to talk about all of my concerns. He seems happy that I’m setting limits. I think that he expected me to expect him to take care of me. But the taking care of me seems to be built into him.
He’s told me that I can call him anytime, but he wants to call me first so I don’t have to pay the phone bill. Maybe that is an age thing, but I’ve got a cell phone, no long distance charges apply for me. He has told me to call him collect. I’ve never done a collect call and am not sure that they even happen anymore. (I’m sure that the smartest people in the world can educate me about this.)
Tonight, I got home and forwarded some things I thought he would enjoy and he called me because he knew I was at home and checking my email and wanted to call me first.
This reminds me… I dreamed last night of something which is kind of relevant, something which happened to Middlebro in his first job.
It was a construction company; the owner’s personal assistant (Isabel) was his wife, but most of the time you wouldn’t have known it. At work, their relationship was that between a boss and a PA: she handled his agenda, filtered his calls and mail, adressed him using the formal “usted” same as any other employee, one day after another for the five or six years Middlebro worked there.
Except this one time. The owner had decided to do something which would screw up vacation for the immense majority of their white collar workers; when the worker’s reps mentioned it was borderline illegal, he laughed and said “sue me then, I am the owner and you will all do as I say.” There was a few seconds of silence and then, as one of the reps started to talk, Isabel cut him off: “excuse me. Yes, you are the owner. BUT. You forget that I also am the owner, and that you owe it to MY children to not run this company into the ground, which is exactly what will happen if you manage to piss every single person off! Now apologize and let’s all get back to work! And no messing with vacations!”
Once the boss was able to find his breath back, he did apologize. Abjectly. And they all went back to work, no messing with vacations.
Now what I wanted to say. Re-repeat the “take it easy, take it slow, don’t rush into something that will leave you both worse than before you start”, but also, eventually and depending on how things progress
I think that many of those rich men with SAHW don’t want or have “decorative wives” at all, and it doesn’t seem to be what he wants either. Those women are PR managers, which is also one of the tasks Isabel does for her husband/their partnership; she also acts as one of the first filters for potential employees (anybody who treats her or the receptionist badly is soooo out the door, and they aren’t told why; Isabel specifically doesn’t want them to be told so they’ll be open to repeating the same mistake as she thinks anybody who treats “peons” badly shouldn’t get a job above “dog shit picker-up”), manages administrative staff and takes many decisions with her husband - they don’t have those meetings in the middle of the office where everybody can see them, but they wouldn’t do that if they weren’t married, either!
Personally, if I found myself in a relationship with a guy in that position I’d be more interested in working at the technical office but hey… I do be an engineer, I like the technical stuff
Reminds me of a guy who wanted to take me away for a week to an upmarket resort - he’d pay for everything. I had to refuse, I didn’t have a weeks worth of clothes! :smack:
flatlined, if you marry a millionaire who wishes his wife not to work for an hourly (or even monthly) salary, that does not mean that you will never do any work while his wife. Historically speaking, upper class married ladies did not do paid work but they were involved in various “charitable” activities. I use quotes because maybe not everything they were doing was truly meaningful charity; but then not everything people do for a wage is truly meaningful work either. In short, these women did do work of some sort, it just was not officially called “work”.
Now let’s apply the same logic to your situation if, hypothetically, you marry him. If your husband does not want you to do “work of type A” that you are used to doing, it may be the case that he would not mind you doing “work of type B, C and D” - presumably activities that are not formally paid and that seek to achieve goals that are consistent with both your and his world views. If these activities involve a level of spending that you can reasonably get as an allowance, that’s ok, and if there is no real spending (i.e. basically only your time gets spent) even better.
If you do a good job planning and executing the above plan, you can gradually find yourself running your very own non-profit, or charity, or think tank, or whatever it is that may be up your alley. Even if initial funding (at the very least to pay for your own upkeep) comes from your husband, eventually maybe you can hire other people and find other funding sources (if that makes sense given the field of activity you are doing). And if that does not make sense it can just stay on the level of you doing something for the good of society while living at your husband’s expense.
All that being said, the proposal of Bad News Baboon to keep things simple and just learn a trade might make excellent sense too, if that is more doable and closer to your capabilities, interests and long term plans.
In any event, it always helps to avoid the “fallacy of excluded middle”. If you set your choice as starkly as “I do A” or “I do B” then chances are that you are missing out on C, D and E which may provide some blend of positive and negative aspects of A and B. Regardless of whether you wish to follow through on these C, D and E, you should at least be willing and able to mentally identify and consider them.
You are so right about the traditional traps. I really do appreciate the advice I’m getting from this thread. Its making me think about things I never considered. Your point about keeping a subconscious tally is very valid.
I game online (I sure miss Hellgate) and will help noobs out and give them things, but if they don’t start offering to me stuff (that they find/win that is specific to my char and not theirs) once they have their feet on the ground, I tend to give up on them as friends. The low level stuff they get isn’t usually anything I’d use, but it’s the thought that counts.
Then this thread would have not happend. We would be planning to meet somewhere in New Mexico because that’s the half way point. I’d be wanting to visit the original Ground Zero, and he would be wanting to look at survey markers.
That’s quite a risky approach, given the divorce stats and the fact that her friend is nearing 60. I’d caution anyone against giving up a career they quite like, and making themselves so vulnerable, especially early in the relationship.
Personally, I’d object to ANYONE giving up career/interests/friends simply because his/her boyfriend doesn’t want them to do that anymore. And I’m make it abundantly clear from the get-go that I’m not open to being controlled. Which is one of the major reasons I wouldn’t accept money from him.
Wow. I really hope you’re okay, I certainly enjoyed your idiot cat thread.
I’m going to tell you a story because it’s one that always rings through my head.
My grandmother and grandfather were dating and got serious. He asked her to marry him. She said yes. He said that he made quite a bit of money and none of the wives of his colleagues worked. He said he did not want her to work anymore now that they were engaged. She said she’d quit when they got married.
They’re married and my grandmother is pregnant. He asks “Will you please quit now?” She says, “Oh, I’ll quit when I have the baby.”
The baby is now 3 and they have another infant. My grandfather again begs “Please, won’t you quit now - we have two children.” My grandmother, who teaches preschool, says “I’ll quit once the oldest is finished with preschool”.
She finally quit when they emigrated and my mother, the youngest of 4, was in 1st grade.
So I would never give up my freedom. Could they have lived off my grandmother’s salary? No. But that’s not the point - she had money of her* own*. I have (in my life) and l would (in your shoes) accept gifts and hotels and vacations. He’s making life easier - let him. But give up your job? No, not ever. Because the second you do you, you have to ask for your money. And you have to justify how you spend it. And if it doesn’t work out in 5 years, who knows if you can get back into the work force. It’s your insurance - keep it!
Also you should remember that he doesn’t have as much money as he used to with his 1st wife, since she’s no doubt getting alimony from him
Having a husband who is the majority bread-earner doesn’t automatically mean having an allowance and having to ask for money, either. We have a joint account, and I use it to buy household things and things for myself. When I have a temp contract, my money goes in there, too. I look after all of our finances; my husband is the one who doesn’t always know how much we have and what we’re spending it on.
He broke up with you - the ring is *yours. *Pawn it and fix the car, problem solved.
Personally, the money issue wouldn’t bother me. I’m a single woman who was born poor and now have enough money to help friends out without expectations of being repaid - if I so choose. A friend of four years who was going through a horrible time and nearly broke, would qualify. I don’t think M expects sex for the money, but he definitely is hoping for hot monkey sex with you. I think he sent the money truly because he knew you needed it.
I say go with the flow and see where things lead. Don’t worry about the age gap, the money or anything else until you see if you have feelings for each other when you’re together and not just over the phone. I commend your decision on not making any decisions until a year is over. You’re both in unsettled emotional places right now.
And I’m serious about the ring - it’s yours, sell it and use the money.
IIRC, it depends on the State. Some look at it as a gift and the recipient is free to keep it. Others look at it as a conditional gift and should be returned to the person who bought it if the marriage doesn’t take place.
As msmith537 and others have pointed out, money shouldn’t matter, but often does. Don’t quit your day job just yet.
That having been said, and based on what you have posted to date, it does not seem like he is looking to be your sugar daddy. Obviously I don’t know everything, and he seems to be moving rather fast, but more on a basis of “she needs it, I got it, let me take care of it so we can pursue the relationship”. If money isn’t going to matter, then it won’t make you feel obligated or him feel entitled.
When I first met the Lovely and Talented Mrs. Shodan, she made two or three times what I did. So we didn’t split expenses down the middle - I paid sometimes, she paid sometimes (when I was short, which happened sometimes). When we got married, it continued, but never - not even once - did she ever bring up that she made more than me, as if it gave her any authority than me.
Now the situation is reversed, and I make four or five times what she does. Same deal - no such thing as My Money or Your Money, just Our Money and what do we want to do with it. But she’s nice that way, and we’ve been “for richer or for poorer”-ing for almost thirty years instead of being on the rebound as you and Sergeant Moneybags seem to do.
In all honesty, I would worry more about the fact that his wife of thirty years just died than the fact that he has a lot of $$$.
Go slow. If it’s right, it will be right two years from now.
Did you ask for advice, or a decision from US for what YOU should do?
Advice is never black & white. It carries considerations so YOU can make a decision for yourself.
But if you want us to decide FOR you, just empty your brain and take the money. It’s been offered, for better or worse, and there’s no strings attached.
And that’s why we balk at a concrete, once and for all statement, because we don’t know what you’ve left out of the story. String attachment is not always verbal.
Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies. As you can tell by me posting now, M has gone back to his hotel room for the night. We had a very good evening, which included dinner and lots of talking. Now that he has seen how far in the sticks I am, he’s really worried about my transportation situation. He’s always traded his vehicles in when they have 50,000 miles and my econocar has over 200,000. M says that trading vehicles in early is cheaper because one can still get a good trade in value. I think that driving the wheels off a car is better because I don’t have to have car payments. He said that he never has car payments because he always just writes a check.:smack:
When I paid for Steve’s vet bill (we were drinking wine and I can’t figure out how to link posts now, but Steve is the latest cat I’ve trapped) I learned that our rescue group has a LOT of credit with the vet. I called the rescue director and learned that someone from Texas has been sending us lots of money and she has been specifically forbidden to tell me who has been sending it.
I’m good with this. Sending money to my favorite charity is much different than sending money to me.
Have to agree with this, but that cat has escaped the bag. I would also be fine with this - it really is a different thing than handing you a $2000 cheque to fix your car.
Me too. I hope the two of you can figure out where to go next, and it’s mutually enjoyable.
