Potlucks are absolutely normal in my world. If you really suspect the hosts will have every conceivable thing covered, you could always bring something that could easily be saved for their personal consumption later - wine, beer, cookies, something that can be frozen easily…
It’s very common for us here to orchestrate a get together and have poeple agree on certain items to bring.
- I’ll bring some buns!
- I’ll bring a veggie platter.
- I’ll bring potato salad.
That’s pretty much how we do things: always have.
Wine is something you bring anyway, without being asked.
My brother hosts a few potlucks every summer, but he invites so many other people I never have to bring anything except what I want to drink. I do bring enough to share, however.
The fact he has a big grill and loves to grill meat certainly helps, too.
When my dad was a kid in small town America, everyone knew what everyone else would cook. Mrs Jones will bring apple pie. Mrs Smith will bring angel food cake. Host will provide meat. You’ve invited potatoes? don’t prepare the salad that doesn’t match.
Potluck is the way it’s always been done with my in laws (Arkansas). Bringing wine would be like showing up with a stripper. We tend to know who is bringing what, although there was a disaster one Easter when NO ONE MADE PIE.
What? Wine is that taboo?
I can’t even imagine.
Often if we have folks over for dinner, we’ve got a meal planned, and we don’t need them to bring anything. If we say no, and they bring anything besides wine, it’s a little weird: we don’t want to have to break out the brownies they brought at the same time as the cheesecake I made, or serve their kale salad alongside the wilted bacon salad we made, or whatever
But potlucks are on the other end of the spectrum: except for work ones, they tend to be pretty catch-as-catch-can. Everyone brings something, but there’s no coordination. It always works out just fine.
Sometimes. Now that my family is getting old, the usual host for these things can’t make everything she used to make for a large crowd, so we tend to pitch in bring dishes. For example, I brought the turkey for Thanksgiving. This is usually organized.
We also have a summer and December “get together” (not quite the scale of “family reunion”), but it’s a lot more disorganized. We’re supposed to bring something but no assignments are given out so we tend to end up with tonnes of desserts.
When I entertain, I expect myself to provide everything. I pride myself on that. If someone wants to bring wine or beer or cookies, then that’s fine, but I expect that if I invite you over for dinner, then I’m providing dinner.
Work often has “potluck” type things, but I never participate in work social activities at the department level.
I can, my in laws used to live in Arkansas. The first time I visited, I told my wife, “I will not move here.”
I would distinguish between a true “potluck,” where it is understood that the food is to be made up of what everyone pitches in, and an ordinary dinner invitation. In case of the latter, in my circles it is polite to ask if you can bring something. If the host/hostess says “no,” then you bring wine, flowers, candy, or a similar small offering.
The faux pas is when the hostess says you don’t need to bring something, and you show up with something that must be included in the dinner. For example, I have prepared meals that included an elaborate homemade dessert, only to have someone unexpectedly show up with a must-consume-now dessert like ice cream or custard. When that happens I am gracious and serve both desserts, and I certainly don’t regard it as a huge disaster. But I do think it is vaguely boorish to show up with a dish that potentially “interferes” with the host’s plan.
To me you’re talking about two different things. Potlucks are normal, but they are announced as such. In fact, when one is being organized, the invitations include instructions on what to bring. I would only ask “want me to bring something?” to a non-potluck when the inviter is someone I’m very close to; I may be able to make their life easier by stopping in the supermarket for some sodas or picking up the cake from the baker’s.
In Spain (and from what I know, in a lot of continental Europe), “do not bring anything” means, exactly, do not bring anything. At all. And bringing wine without prior agreement is a very big faux pas. That took a while to get used to when I was in the US: I’d specifically ask people to not bring anything and they’d show up with a bottle of wine. Which ended up in the stew; in one case, completely, as he didn’t drink either but he’d felt culturally obligated to bring the bottle.
In the US when someone brings a bottle of wine, it’s generally understood that it doesn’t have to be consumed with the current meal. It may get opened, or it may go on the host’s rack for another day.
I think there are three categories:
- An invitation for dinner, at a known time, to which people RSVP. If I’m hosting, I’ve got it. If you ask if you can bring anything, I’ll tell you I’m fine. If you bring wine or flowers, I’ll put them out, but I’d just as soon you didn’t.
- A big party that’s somewhat open-ended as to time and # of people who will show up. A housewarming, a barbeque to which a large social group is invited and only some will come, a large, informal new year’s eve party. It’s nice to bring something, but you don’t have to. I do some of these. I will provide all the food I expect to need, but if guests ask if they can bring something, I say “sure”. If a lot more people show up than I expected, the later guests may mostly eat the food other guests have brought (because my food usually goes first.) My friends with extreme dietary restrictions often bring something they know they can eat (although I always provide something they can eat, too). I encourage people who feel they need to bring something to bring drinks or a salad, because I’m not great about those.
- A potluck. This is a team event, and everyone expects to chip in in some way. They are usually organized, if only by telling the host what you plan to bring, and the host saying “great” or “hmm, we already have two other people bringing hummus, maybe you could bring a dessert instead?”
OP wasn’t invited to a potluck, they were invited to dinner.
It’s still polite to ask if you can bring anything, even when invited to dinner.
In my circle of friends, we all always ask if we can bring something when someone invites us to dinner. It doesn’t matter if it’s a social gathering like game night or a more traditional “Why don’t the two of you come to dinner next week?” Everyone always asks. For the former, usually the host will suggest something (I usually get asked to bring dessert). For the latter the response is usually, “Maybe a nice bottle of wine?”
But everyone always asks.
CelticKnot, offering to bring something is thoughtful, even if the host declines. It’s a little inhospitable for your host to give you a funny look when you offered. She could have been grateful for your willingness to pitch in and just said “no, thank you” if she didn’t need it.
I would have felt better about not bringing anything if everyone else hadn’t! Everyone who was there had brought food, and I showed up empty-handed because I was told to.
No, there will be no wine brought to this party. We’re Baptists. We know there is no prohibition to drinking alcohol in Scripture, but we aren’t inclined to drink at a gathering, especially on a Sunday night.