I need some etiquette advice from the Doper community!
I just bought a new house, and I’d like to host a family gathering between Christmas and New Year’s for all of my local relatives, whom I don’t see all that often. There will be about 15 people altogether, including me. Since I just moved and my budget is tight, what I was hoping to do was to provide some pivotal food items (such as a ham and some kielbasa) and let the rest of the meal be a pot-luck sort of deal, with each family bringing some sort of auxiliary dish.
Is this a tacky idea? Since I don’t see these relatives that often, I’m not sure that anyone would think to volunteer to bring food along, and I’m not sure how to address this idea gracefully. Is it acceptable to bring up this idea in the invitations I’m going to send out, or can I try to work it in when people call to RSVP? Should I can that idea altogether unless people offer to bring something when I speak to them, and only count on having what I can afford to provide?
I’m putting it to you guys…how can I handle this? Any advice is appreciated.
There is nothing wrong with the idea at all. I think that you should advertise it as a Pot-Luck family gathering and don’t be apologetic or sneaky about it at all. Just advise people what to bring according to their strengths or preferences until the menu is well balanced.
Your house, you get to make the rules.
Growing up, my family NEVER did pot luck. The hosts did it all. My wife’s famly ONLY did potlucks.
We realized one reson my wife did not like entertaining was that she would stress out preparing, and then feel she had to work while guests were over. And the expense. It takes a great load off her mind to spread the work around a little. And I have not noticed anyone expressing any resentment over bringing a dish.
IMHO, you should provide most of the meal. It needn’t be expensive. Serve what you can afford.
I think it’s a bit tacky to ask your guests to bring the meal unless this is accepted practice in your family. It doesn’t sound like you know what’s accepted among this segment of the family, so it is best not to expect them to being the food.
If people do offer to bring something, then take them up on the offer. Ask them to bring beer or wine, or dessert, or something like a salad.
pot-lucks are all i do. i bar-b-que ribs or chicken or beef, supply the beer and let everyone else bring the sides. i put it right on the invite, so its no suprise. folks seem to like it, as it gives them a chance to dazzle everyone with thier favorites, and they get to take home whats left. this also works out great for us too, as we don’t have to throw out anything that doesnt fit in the fridge. we usually get a good turn out to shin-digs 'cause my bar-b-ques are world famous! (well, at least in my world)
Do specifically say on the invitation that they’re invited to a potluck dinner with X as the main course, and when they call to RSVP, then you can coordinate what everyone will bring.
If there are people you know wouldn’t want to cook, you can ask them if they’d bring a bottle of wine or some juice. Nothin’ wrong with a tasty store-bought dessert, either.
If anybody thinks it’s tacky, well, then they’ll miss out on all the wonderful and varied dishes your guests will bring.
This is pretty much what my Mom said, while I was thinking more along the lines of what the others in this thread have said. I don’t come from a particularly ritzy family, so I don’t think anyone’s expecting a lavish gourmet meal. My feeling was that this group of family gets together rarely enough that it was the gathering that would be important and that no one would mind helping out. I’ve just had these nagging thoughts that it would be inappropriate to ask my guests to contribute.
I just don’t know…part of my says that they should appreciate the opportunity to get together, and part of my says that if I want to throw the party, I should be prepared to handle all of the preparations unless someone offers otherwise.
Go for the potluck idea. I don’t think it’s tacky at all. In my family many of us have a “signature” dish, so we know how things will work out 80% of the time. And we look forward to these traditional items.
I say go for the pot-luck, too. The one dinner party I hosted, I did everything, and I didn’t sit down from the morning of the shindig until well after everyone was gone. No fun for me, and no fun for anyone that wanted to talk with me as I raced around the house. I don’t mind being asked to bring something at all; bringing one dish of seven-layer dip or something is a pretty small price to pay for enjoying an evening of family and good food.
Sorry, but why are you asking us? Pick out one or two of the people you would be inviting (preferably, the ones you are most comfortable with), and ask THEM if they would find it tacky. They certainly know that this is the first time you’d be doing the big get together thing, and they’d let you know if this sort of thing was acceptable to them.
My suggestion to handle it if a pot-luck is seen as unreasonable (which it shouldn’t be, pot-lucks are fun!) is to not offer a full dinner, and offer as full a snack (ham sandwiches?) as you can afford to serve that many people.
Every year one of my cousin’s invites the family over for “dinner” on Christmas eve. Every year, the family asks if they need to bring anything, and every year the cousin says no.
And every year we all sit around hungry for 5 hours, because all she made was a few ham biscuits, and a vegetable plate.
Scouts honor: Last year it was so sparse, we were rationing out the food.
Why not eat something before we go, you ask? Well, she decided to host Thanksgiving one year. Since everyone knew we would be there all day, they all ate before coming. When we got there however, there was a mountain of food on the table…And we were all too full to eat.
To the OP: Ask a few of the people who will be coming to dinner what they think…Perhaps even explain the reasoning. Certainly they will understand that you have a new home you want to show off, but that you also have a shiny new mortgage that makes finances tight.
I disagree with the “ask your potential guests” crowd. As host, you’re setting the expectation that your guests have some degree of “control” over your party. If this is a new house and one of the first get-togethers, IMHO you’d be starting off on the wrong foot. It’s only one small step from polling your potential guests “Should I do this?” to having a guest tell you that you table’s centerpiece is tacky or something. As host, part of your job is to set the “rules” of the get-together.
That said, I find it hard to believe that anyone would object to a pot-luck as long as they knew in advance. Do an invitation that says “We’re having a Pot-Luck!” right up front so that the anti-pot-luck crowd has a chance to come up with a suitable excuse (“I’m sorry Jadis, we just won’t be able to attend. Matilda is washing her toenails and Lucy and Edmund are planning to eat too much Turkish delight the night before and will be ill that day.”)
DON’T work it into the RSVP conversation…if you do, you’re pulling a bait-and-switch. If your guests are so sensitive that they’re mortally offended by the idea of a pot-luck, it’s not fair to spring the pot-luck idea on them after they’ve agreed to attend. If a lot of people RSVP a “No”, you’ll be given all the feedback you need.
My in-laws have started a tradition of getting together at least once every-other-month at one of the family homes. (We live within two hours’ drive from them, so it’s not too bad.) It used to fall on the host or hostess to provide all the meals for the weekend and it got really tight on the budgets to provide 6 or 7 meals for 10 people. So what they started doing was assigning one meal to each family to host during the weekend. Take Thanksgiving weekend for example: My hubby and I were assigned Friday night dinner. We bought everything for the meal, cooked, served and cleaned up after. Then we could relax for the rest of the time. It works great and gives a wonderful variety of tastes for everyone to sample.
My family has always done a potluck-style Thanksgiving and every year, each contributor brings his or her specialty. Like the above example, it works out wonderfully. I do agree, however, that you should let the guests know in advance. That way, if anyone perhaps doesn’t get around to the RSVP part of it, they’ll still know to bring something. And in the case of people like me who have slender budgets but still like to prepare fancy desserts, letting them know ahead of time gives them the chance to spread the cost of preparing the item over a few weeks. Of course, not everyone’s as poor as I am! LOL
Jadis I say go with the potluck idea. You are opening up your home to relatives and possibly opening up a way for you all to keep in touch a little better. Course, ya gotta be prepared for Hell-o molds, chemistry experiments involving sweet potatoes, turnips and marshmallows, cakes that are white on the outside but red, green, yellow, blue, and orange on the inside and GAWD KNOWS what else. (Holiday family gatherings with food in my family are somewhat of a culinary showcase of the very worst of white trash cooking.):eek:
Another idea, if you are reluctant to do the potluck thing is to invite everyone over for an afternoon and serve finger sandwiches (no thumbs tho, they taste awful :D) and munchie type stuff. Everybody likes to munch.
We’ve always done potluck. Not only does it ease the workload and financial burden from the host, but it means that everyone gets to have fun instead of one person worrying themselves to death while the rest have fun.
Christmas is about family and togetherness, not etiquette!
Go for a pot luck. They are great fun and everyone gets to make what they do well without stressing too much about what else is there.
(Though I always notice a lack of plain veggie dishes at pot lucks. I don’t want crisp onions and mushroom soup on my grean beans, I just want green beans. I live for the carrot and celery sticks off the snack tray. No snack tray…I suffer. Just a lame side note.)
But other than my personal issues, pot luck is the way to go.
Just a little observation, Jadis. When you said your mom disapproved, it struck a chord with me. I don’t kow your age or situation, but I realized at some point you that I wasn’t bound by my family’s traditional way of doing things. Not that you sould discard tratition for no reason, but if you have made a reasoned decision that something else suits you better, you have to stand up for yourself and play by your own rules. Major steps towards this realization occur when you move into a home, get married/committed relationship, have kids.
As another alternative, you can think of doing something other than a full traditional dinner. But you have to have it at other than your family’s usual mealtime, and inform folk ahead of time. So you could have snacks in the afternoon, or desserts after dinner.
Or you could have everyone come over and then order in pizza or chinese, and go in together on the cost.
Do what is best for you, not what developed over time for someone else.
Wow, I thought this thread had died and here I come to check it at lunch and it’s still rolling!!
Thanks for everyone’s suggestions…I do think I’m going to try to work the “Let’s start a new family tradition - pot luck!!” thing in the invitation. The group that I’m inviting is the group that all used to get together at my grandmother’s house for holidays…since she passed away a few years ago, our family has been drifting apart. As I said, no one would expect anything particularly ritzy, it’s more just an opportunity to catch up with relatives that don’t get together that often.
I didn’t mean to make it sound like Mom was looking down her nose with disdain at the thought of the pot-luck idea and that she was going to disown me if I even considered doing something so pedestrian. As a matter of fact, I think she likes the idea, she was just concerned over what she felt was the presumptuousness of asking my guests to bring stuff. Y’all have reassured me that it’s unlikely to ruffle any feathers, especially if it’s presented as a pot-luck scenario from the get-go. I didn’t really expect my family to gasp in outrage at the very idea…I just wasn’t sure how to gracefully broach the subject in the invitation (or at some other point). I think I have some ideas how about how to write it up, and hopefully everyone will be on board.
