You should be shot.
Although it was pretty freakin’ funny.
(No, I won’t be answering the thread.)
I am picturing a huge crate marked “Trojan” breaking free from a crane at the loading dock. Am I close? 
That’s about what it felt like, yeah.
female
30
lesbian
once/twice a day
Oooh, just remembered something I read years ago. Apparently, back in the day when sewing machines used foot power (you pumped a treadle to make it go), some sweatshop workers found that if they positioned themselves just right, they could surreptitiously masturbate themselves with the slight rubbing motion of their thighs against their crotch. 
This worked because the normal chair they sat on allowed them to squeeze their thighs together, unlike a bicycle seat, which generally keeps the thighs apart and are actually made to minimize groin friction.
What’s that? Why…why, yes, now that you mention it, pumping the treadle would indeed make a fresh new euphemism for jilling off. And hey, band name: Groin Friction.
Oh, I’m about 99% that you’re right. yes, I know this from experience. I can’t believe she’d do it at work, though!
Here’s some strange trivia:
When I first started consciously masturbating to sexual fantasies, around age 14 or so, the hand-stroking method never worked for me. So my usual method was to rub against something - typically my pillow - basically simulating copulation.
It wasn’t until I was twenty, when I finally got to watch my first porn movie, that I actually got any results from hand-stroking.
I wonder how common that is.
Phase42, are you male or female?
Male 
My “pillow technique” involved putting my dick between the pillow and pillowcase and going at it
I should mention how my “pillow techique” evolved. I actually started writing my own erotic fiction when I was fourteen (it was pretty lame stuff, especially considering it would be another six years before I lost my virginity ). This would have been 1980 or so, long before I had a computer, so my writing was done by hand in spiral notebooks. I wrote in bed, lying on my stomach and propped on my elbows. At some point I discovered it was more comfortable if I turned my pillow lengthwise under me. That’s when I discovered I could get better contact with the pillow than with the mattress.
So I would write out my little fantasies, simultaneously rubbing my dick on the pillow. I’d write until I came, then I’d just flip the pillow over and go to sleep Of course, this made for some hard-to-explain stains on my pillow, but I managed to pass it off as stains from drooling in my sleep. I don’t know if my mom believed that, but she accepted it.
Anyway, from time to time, instead of writing I would try to just read what I had already written (which was quite a lot), and masturbate by hand. Nothing ever happened. I guess that viewing my first porn movie at age 20 just triggered something, and suddenly the hand method worked.
I LOVE YOU
Heh. Believe it. I guess she thought no-one would catch on. She was nearly right.
I did not masturbate to orgasm until after I’d lost my virginity at age 19. Played with myself, sure. But not to climax. I had my first conscious orgasm (to distinguish from wet dreams) when I was with a girl.
Blew my fucking mind.
Whereupon I commenced with the hourly monkeyspank.
[hijack]I grew up in Oklahoma, in a little town in the panhandle called Shattuck.[/hijack]
Listen parents:
If Little 12-year-old Timmy volunteers to wash everyone’s clothes in basement and tells you to get lost… :eek:
49
Male
Straight, mostly
Divorced
Coupla times a day, more if I have time. Not counting with my sweetie.
I also use the “no-hands” technique when discretion is advised. Organize the equipment just right, cross the legs and squeeze. Who says work can’t be fun?
:eek: That’s gotta be messy, and smelly too.
Yes, but you could make it work. You would just have to be frequently seen wiping your desk with bleach, and eating frozen burritos or Bisquick pancakes for lunch. You know, to blame the smell on something else.
I shot my load just reading that. Thanks!
TMI at last!