As far as I know he’s never dated and he doesn’t currently have someone significant in his life. I can’t really think of anyone to set him up with either. He gets along really well with girls… but never dates.
As for one of us sitting up front, fine. If he had a problem with it–he could have brought it up when it became a problem for him. Driving off with all our stuff was not the way to handle that. I’m fine with one of us sitting up front if I must ride in his car again. I’m not fine with the way he handled the issue, or the way he chose to restrict how we even spoke.
And yeah, in everything he spoke of, he meant us talking to each other… not specifically being lovey-dovey. We never make out in his presence, but we do act as a couple in the sense of holding hands, occasionally kissing and saying “I love you.” Again, if he had a problem with that, he should’ve brought it up before it came to a head like that.
I guess what I’m going to try to do is avoid talking to him. I don’t want my SO to cut someone very important out of his life, and I definitely wouldn’t want him to lose his best friend. But that doesn’t mean Joe has to be my best friend.
How can I best diplomatically handle it if he does want to go somewhere with us in the car? He does like taking us to lunch and things (or did). Should I just say “Oh, I’m not hungry”–or tell him why I really don’t want to ride in the car? It’s really difficult to do this without hurting my SO’s relationship with him too.
Oh, and as for the bus/bike idea (I didn’t see it before I wrote my reply), my hometown is 30 minutes away by car and the busline doesn’t run out to it. I’ll be getting a car soon and for now, it’s on my dad’s way to and from work, so it’s fine. I’m just worried about other social situations where I might be in his car.
If he does offer you a ride in the future, just pointedly say “No, thanks.” You don’t need to give an explanation. Just say no.
From what you just said about his dating situation and his behavior combined, I’d be very suspicious about his feelings towards your boyfriend. And maybe your boyfriend. I know, I know, you’re glaring at me through your monitor right now. I’m just sayin’. Lots of gay people don’t acknowledge their sexuality until college or even long after.
Again, what does your boyfriend think/say about it? Does he make excuses for the guy, back you up, what?
Heh, I’m not too sure about how he feels towards my boyfriend (he could very well be gay, never given any indication one way or another). As for my boyfriend, I wouldn’t mind in the least if he were bi, I am myself. I know if he did have feelings towards Joe he’d let me know. We’re fairly open in regards to other people we have feelings for, though we don’t act on them.
As for how he reacts… well, he was very angry at Joe for stranding us at my dorm. (Joe even took my purse, including my cellphone, wallet and keys.) However, he made up with him very quickly afterwards. He hates staying mad and not resolving things, so any fights he has are quickly resolved. In other issues regarding Joe–there are some others, but I don’t think they’re that important to this particular topic–he tends to try to find middle ground. He doesn’t like to discuss things with Joe if Joe is acting in a strange way towards me as he does sometimes. It’s only if it involves him, like it did this time, that he feels he needs to step in.
I’m not accusing you, but there’s obviously SOMETHING more going on here, whether you realize it or not. That’s not sane/acceptable behavior, and there’s something you’re either not disclosing or aren’t privy to. This feels like one of those calls to Loveline where something doesn’t quite add up, and then 10 minutes into the call the caller says, “by the way, a few weeks ago I had a threesome with my fiance and his best friend, and they ended up banging each other in the ass. Do you think that might have something to do with it?”
Obviously, the friend resents you over some thing or some combination of things, and rather than dealing with it when it came up, he let it build up until he blew his lid over something that seemed insignificant.
One thought - have you changed your boyfriend a lot since you two got together, even if those changes are for the better? When my best friend (of 20 or so years) met his wife, she started changing him like crazy. The thing is, all of these changes were for the BETTER - she got him to start eating good things, dressing better, taking care of himself, etc. - and it still drove me nuts and I started resenting her. I guess it’s taboo to discuss, but guys can be very, very protective of their best friends. After a while, I realized that I was being kind of nuts, and that even though she was changing him, it was all positive and he was happier and better off for it. It was more of a control thing.
I’d say this is his way of saying that he has strong feelings about your future husband, and about your future husband’s future with you. What exactly those feelings are, though, you’d have to find out by asking. Guessing will get you nowhere. But it is pretty easy to guess that whatever those strong feelings are, they’re the source of his current changes in behaviour.
Does the driver have some other stress in his life that is affecting him? How is he doing in school? You don’t have any girlfriends to hook him up with?
I just got to say that the two of you sitting back with him alone in the front was wrong each and every time you did it. Now he should have said something the very first time but he sounds a little like me. I will let small things build and build until I suddenly blow up and people generally think I’m crazy.
How many times did the two of you sit in the back while he drove?
Put yourself in his place. Imagine that you owned a car and your best friend started dating someone and you drove them home and they did this to you. How would you feel? Like a servant? Like you were being used? Not only that but you haul your friend’s girlfriend’s stuff down and she jokes about you being a sherpa and then they again want to climb in the back and ignore you for a half hour while you drive them home.
Now since your fiance seems to have made peace with him, that peace should have included you. It should have included you apologizing to him and he should apologize for driving off with your stuff.
Oh, come on, Zebra. How many times did I say I’m fine with riding in front? Seriously, if it was an issue to him, he should have brought it up right away. He didn’t handle it the right way.
We do not ignore him. I try to include him in any and all conversations, and he went ahead and told us that we couldn’t speak at all in his car. In what world is that a sensible reaction?
He offered to carry my things, the first time he’s ever made an offer like that, and I made a joke. We joke like that all the time. He laughed, initially. If he had a problem with it, he should have said something.
I’ve never pushed on him to give me a ride home. I’ve never assumed that he should. And had he actually made his concerns known as soon as something was wrong, I would have tried to fix it.
No, just because my fiance made peace with him, doesn’t mean I have to. I have no obligation to him.
No, you don’t have an obligation to him. However, you and your fiance completely disrespected Joe by not riding in the front to begin with. You excluded him from the beginning (though you may not have meant to) by not treating him as an equal.
I’ve been Joe. My friends have always been conscious of my single status and their attached status. I was never (intentionally or unintentionally) left out by them. We were all careful to make our feelings known (which Joe should’ve done before letting it get to him) and you should have been more aware of. Now that I’m the attached one, I try like hell not to let anyone feel left out.
Hopefully this can all work out and you and fiance and Joe can have a talk about this like adults.
I agree that he * should* have said something the first time. But you should not have done it the first time. It was incredibly rude of the two you to do that. You should apologize for that. It doesn’t matter that you tell us that you have no problem riding up front. How about riding in the back while your BF rides up front? Is that OK?
The fact that he didn’t say something the very first time suggests that maybe he doesn’t like confrontations. The fact that he fled the scene after confronting you two is another good indication that he doesn’t like this. So he says nothing the first time. Maybe he thought it would be a one-time thing. Have you ever heard the phrase “the straw that broke the camel’s back”? You know one little straw isn’t a big deal but when you pile enough of them up, something bad happens. It’s hard for some people (JOE) to complain about one little straw. You can’t complain about one little straw! Come on it’s just one little straw! Then it becomes two, and since you didn’t say anything about the first straw, complaining now would seem wrong. The fact that he didn’t complain right away, at the first instance doesn’t excuse your behavior in any way.
Are you seriously telling me that it is OK with you to feel this way about the best man at your upcoming wedding? That sounds like a bad plan to me.
What does your finance think of the situation. If I were he, I would want my best friend and my future wife to get along.
My advice is for you to realize what * you * did wrong and sincerely apologize for it. Hopefully, he will realize what he did wrong and apologize for that.
I agree with some others that Joe may have felt left out by the two of you sitting in the back seat together. Now, you may say that you’re willing to do what he says now, that doesn’t mean that his hurt feelings from the past shouldn’t be addressed.
Yes, he was passive-agressive in his behavior, but you’re all acting like children if you can’t just say, “Yeah, we all acted kind of stupid, but we don’t want this to ruin our friendship, so let’s just forgive and forget.” Maybe you don’t owe it to Joe to address possible mistreatment in the past, but I think you owe it to your fiance if he still desires a friendship with him.
As for the possibility that his friend is gay and in love with your fiance, I say that giving the tix and what he said on fiance’s birthday shows that he’s trying to make an effort to support your relationship. Maybe he has conflicted feelings, but I can definitely see where he might have felt like a servant and the sherpa comment, while innocuous in and of itself, when added to the couple sitting in back by itself, probably set him off.
I think it was unbelievably rude of you two to sit in the back. I can’t believe you needed to be told that. Whether you would be “okay with it” is irrelevant.
I suspect that’s because when the two of you are sitting alone in the backseat talking, he can probably hear none of your conversation unless you’re yelling. Irritating.
And the day of the blowout, he insisted someone sit in the front, and you and fiance wanted to have a hushed private conversation about it outside of his car? Can’t imagine that would annoying.
Would I have freaked out and dumped you on the side of the road? Nah. But I would have said, I’m not a taxi driver. I’m supposed to be your friend. Sit in the front and include me or find other transportation.
The rule is, indeed, if you are riding with *his * friend, *you * sit in the back. If you’re riding with *your * friend, *you * sit in the back.
Under no circumstances should there have to be only one person in the front with more than one person in the car.
And you never, ever, ever, kiss beyond a quick peck, hold hands except by accident, or say “I love you” except when parting, in front of single friends. It’s Not Done.
It’s extremely rude. Public Displays of Affection are 90 % unnecessary.
I actually think you shouldn’t even do it in front of another half of a couple. You don’t know what’s going on in their relationship, if they’re happy, if they’re miserable, when the last time they kissed was. Nothing.
We don’t want to see your kissy-kissy faces. Please.
Has he ever said why he doesn’t date? Ask your fiancé if he knows why. I’ll bet a hundred to one, IMO, that this is Joes problem. While you and your fiancé are all luvvy dubby in the back seat, he’s probably frustrated that he doesn’t have that in his life. The solution will depend on his problem. But not having someone significant in your life really sucks ass. For some people it’s ok, and for others, it’ll show through with sudden emotional outbreaks. It’s an avenue to ponder.
Maybe we were wrong to sit in the backseat. But I still do think that he was thoughtless not to say anything. I’ve ridden in the back with my fiance before, and no one else has ever said anything. Sure, that doesn’t mean it still isn’t rude, but I honestly haven’t had any experience with people thinking it is rude. From my own personal viewpoint, I don’t care if a couple sits in the backseat while I’m driving. It doesn’t matter to me. But then, I don’t care about PDA either, and actually find it kind of cute, so my viewpoint is skewed in another direction than a lot of the other posters’.
Again, if Joe had said something, I would have obliged him. I simply didn’t know that it was rude, and I really wish he had said something.
As for getting out of the car, I did so because my fiance had. We had been sitting in silence for about 5, 10 minutes maybe, and no one had said a thing. I don’t know why he got out of the car; I got out to ask him. But the minute I was out and out of the way, Joe took off.
And we are NOT lovey-dovey in the backseat. I dunno how many times I’ve said it. We kiss occasionally. It happens. We don’t make out or have sex in the backseat. Joe has restricted us to no speaking whatsoever in his car. That’s not right. But since it’s his car, I’ve chosen not to ride in it anymore.
And I have pretty much no choice in regards to the best man thing. He’s my fiance’s best friend. He’ll be the best man. Like I’ve said, I don’t want to split them up.
:rolleyes: He didn’t say anything because he was trying to be nice and accomodate your relationship. After a while he couldn’t take it anymore. Who wants to be the third wheel?
It is VERY rude for you to sit in the back seat and leave him alone. He’s not your chauffer. And he shouldn’t have had to say it to you, you should have just known. It’s RUDE for you to kiss in the back seat and have him hear it, while he has no girlfriend, no date, and he henceforth must go “halves” on his best friend.
PDA is rude.
If you don’t realize all of this you are a lot more immature than I took you to be in the beginning.
All that being said, for him to drive off was not the right thing to do, but perhaps he was afraid he would say something much harsher out of anger and truly jeopardize his friendship with your boyfriend.
I’ve been the one who got left alone when my friends found mates. It seems many people on the boards have. It seems like you never have, or don’t care. You need to have way more consideration for his feelings.