So, I’m in kind of a sticky situation with my fiancé’s best friend, and I was wondering if anyone could help.
For some background, Fiancé carpools with his best friend, I’ll call him Joe, daily to their university. I ride in the car occasionally when I need a ride to my house (I live in a dorm, and don’t have a car, so sometimes it’s more convenient for me to catch a ride with them home). He gets paid for gas and such weekly from Fiancé and I pay him for the cost of the ride home too.
A few weeks ago there we had a big blowup in front of my dorm. Apparently Joe took offense to a joke I had made–one he laughed at when I made it, so I had no idea he found it offensive until he told me. Anyway, he told us he had issues with us speaking to each other in his vehicle and sitting next to each other. That last one I can understand; nobody wants to feel like a chauffeur. Well, when I got out of the car to speak to my fiancé, he drove off, taking all of our things, on the half-hour drive home. We found alternative transportation and an hour and a half later he showed up at fiancé’s family’s house, dropping our stuff by the side of the road.
Anyway. I haven’t ridden in the same car as him since it happened. And while I might be able to avoid doing so–it won’t be long before I can get a car and right now I have other ways of getting home–I’m not sure how to deal with it if/when I do. Do I not speak to my fiancé at all? I think one of us should sit in the passenger seat, though it would’ve been nicer for him to ask that of us as soon as it became an issue. But… I know Joe, and I know he’s going to be angry if I do speak to my SO in the car. And I know if he is angry, he won’t say anything, but rather will bottle it up for use in later issues. It’s just who he is, I guess.
The best solution all around might be just to avoid riding with him. But what do you guys think about the situation?
Do you know what you said to get him so upset? Was it something serious, in which case I suspect you have burnt your bridges, and should avoid him where possible (and be quiet when you do), or something that was taken far more seriously than was meant?
Hopefully if it was something light, and he overreacted, he may be feeling a little embarassed about it, and may be willing to let the two of you put it behind you. In that case, perhaps you should apologise, and see if you can clear the air that way. This guy is your fiance’s best friend, so you aren’t going to be able to avoid him, and in the best interests of your fiance, you should try to patch things over so that he’s not put in the middle.
But in any case, he’s been friends with your fiance for a while, don’t you be the one to drive them apart - just keep a low profile. Avoid rides in the car when you can do so, but don’t make a huge fuss if you do have to ride with him. Keep conversation to a minimum, but avoid painfully long silences.
Girl from Mars, it was a combination of three things: the joke, feeling like a chauffeur, and me speaking to my SO in the car. Basically, what I think it boils down to was jealousy. He’s always been a little… possessive of my fiancé, and likes to point out how much longer he’s known him than I have.
Joe hasn’t acted very differently around me since then, but we haven’t spoken much. He asked to speak with me privately one day and pretty much put words in my mouth, so I wasn’t really able to get my feelings out. And I’m really afraid to bring it up again. I don’t want to drive the boys apart.
Let me get this straight. He refuses to let you and you fiance sit together in the back or talk to each other while he is driving.
Either what you said must have been incredibly offensive, or he’s in love (fraternally not sexually) with your fiance. I think you both need to find another ride.
From my perspective, Joe is being an asshat and shouldn’t let his personal feelings get into a relationship where they are neither needed nor wanted. Driving away with your stuff earns him a :wally in my book. I’d find a new ride and possibly retire thoughts of friendship with this guy if he doesn’t engage in major apologizing.
Heh, I guess I should’ve included my joke in the OP. He and my fiancé were helping me carry some bulky things. I joked that they were my sherpas, and they both laughed. Later, he said it hurt him badly.
Not to come to the defence of an asshat or anything.
But if you two (You and your SO) are acting all “Luvy-duvy” I can definately say that I’m with the asshat in spirit. Of course the civility in me wouldn’t allow me to do this, but still you might want to take that into cosideration.
Also it’s kind of rude not to keep the third party in the conversation.
It sucks being singe and stuck in a room with two people that are shamelessly in love with each other. (Blah…)
(I’m interjecting here. Not trying to imply you were being rude at all.)
No, he never said why. I don’t know why it was offensive either.
Also, I’ll admit we’ve been lovey-dovey in the past, but we’ve calmed down considerably now. All we do is the occasional kiss, and we include him in any conversation we can. Pretty much, he was angry that we say anything whatsoever to each other in the car.
One more thing. When he said “I don’t want you speaking in the car,” I asked why he was asking that of us. He shouted, “Because it’s my car!”
He drove away with your stuff in his car, went to your SO’s family home, dropped your stuff on the side of the road and you and your SO are STILL speaking to him? Your SO should beat on this guy like a drum; who needs “friends” like that?
My attitude exactly! There’s got to be more to this story. You’re acting in your OP as if he has some potential validation for feeling the way he does, but all the behaviors you describe for him are utterly nutty and vindictive, and most reasonable people wouldn’t put up with that crap for 2 seconds. Is there some piece of this we haven’t heard so far?
You’re not excluding him from conversation, he just doesn’t want you speaking to each other at all while in his car. In what world is that a reasonable request? I guess while you’re in his car he has a right to set the rules but I would find alternate transportation and then tell him that the degree of control he’s trying to exert is nuts. I would also tell him that driving off without giving you a chance to get your things out of the car was unacceptable.
And I don’t see what’s offensive about the joke either. I made several jokes in that vein when my brothers were helping me move.
I really do wish there was more to the story. If there were anything that really did justify his actions, I’d include it in here, but I can’t think of a thing. Sure, we can be lovey-dovey, but as some posters said, he was excluding us from speaking at all. He told me later that the sherpa joke was, essentially, the straw that broke the camel’s back. I had made the joke as we walked out to the car, where he refused to unlock the doors for us to get in. When we asked why, he insisted that one of us sit in front. And when my fiance and I got out to speak to each other privately, he drove off.
He dropped our stuff off by the side of the road. We met him there before he left and spoke heatedly for awhile before I left to take the things in and to calm myself down. An hour or so later, they were friends again, and I was left completely confused.
I really do wish I could cut him off. As it is, I just try not to come into contact with him anymore. He used to want to go to lunch all the time, but he hasn’t asked since the incident, so I haven’t spoken to him for more than five minutes in awhile. My fiance sees him all day, every weekday. They attend the same school, have the same schedule (there isn’t much variety at their university) and drive a 2 hour commute there and back every day.
Given all the time they spend with each other, I don’t think asking us to sit apart for half an hour every couple of weeks is reasonable, but I’m willing to accomodate that. His car, his rules. I’m just not sure how to approach the speaking issue. I don’t want to ignore my fiance or make him feel like I don’t want to talk to him. I also don’t want Joe to feel excluded.
He’s also going to be the Best Man at our wedding. For fiance’s birthday on February 14 he gave him two tickets to the Renaissance Festival and a beautiful glass dragon with red and purple accents (our favorite colors). In the box it came in he wrote “for two who are about to become one, fly far together.”
What is this? I’m just confused by the whole thing. I must’ve done something wrong. But I have no idea.
I might be able to help on this one because I have been in the same situation but playing the role of your significant other’s best friend. I had the closest best friend possible growing up. We had every single class together from pre-school through high school graduation. In high school, he started going out with his girlfriend Christy (now his wife). Now I was good friends with Christy too even to the point of taking her out on pseudo-dates when my best friend was busy. Over a several month period, I got an odd feeling that I was slowly being pushed out of whatever bizarre triangle that we had and that I she was going to suck him away from me with his blessing. That was not a good feeling. I used to drive them around a lot too. They started that making out crap too and I cannot tell you how uncomfortable that is in that situation. One time, he asked me to drive them in his car and they had sex while we were going down the road.
Ok, I will get straight to the point. Acting like newlyweds even if you aren’t making out in front of a really close best friend brings up a lot of bad feelings. He is already nervous that he will lose you SO when you get married and that just compounds the problem. What you can do is act lack an equal trio when you are together. That means talking about things that include him and recognizing that he and your significant other have an important relationship together too. If you can be “buddies” with him on your own, that would help things a great deal.
Am I reading correctly that he doesn’t want you guys talking to each other in his car at all? I can see not wanting you to be making out, calling each other pet names, or excluding him. But not talking at all?
I mean, my mother used to have that rule with my brother and me–but we were under 10 years old and fighting. I doubt you and your SO were squabbling over who was leaning over into no man’s land.
Is there any chance he’s feeling used by you and your SO? I ask because his behavior is so out of line for your joke or for the fact you’re just talking to each other. I realize that you are paying him for your transport, so he shouldn’t feel like your free taxi service or anything. But maybe there’s some underlying resentment about driving you around. If he’s feeling that way, making a joke about him being your sherpa (while not offensive in and of itself) may have set him off.
Or perhaps, as others have said, he just resents not being number one in your SO’s life anymore. Is he seeing anyone? He may also be jealous because he’s not as important to his best friend at the same time that he’s feeling a bit lonely.
Regardless, it doens’t sound like you’re doing anything wrong. You can try to have a conversation with him to find out what his underlying issue is, but I don’t know that those always work out. Sometimes the other person just has to realize that relationships change between best friends when one finds a partner, and they just have to deal with it. Yes, you should be considerate of his feelings and not make out in front of him (frankly, I hate it whenever couples do that) or exclude him (that’s just rude). But you shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around this guy either. “His car=his rules” is okay to a point. But you are paying for the ride which minimizes that. You’re allowed to talk.
I think you should set him up with one of your friends. Maybe if he gets some then he’ll chill out. This no-talking-to-each-other thing seems really bizarre and controlling. What does your fiance think about it? Does it not set off some alarms with him?
By Shagnasty “What you can do is act lack an equal trio when you are together. That means talking about things that include him and recognizing that he and your significant other have an important relationship together too. If you can be “buddies” with him on your own, that would help things a great deal.”
Kinda’ hard to do that when he has said they can’t speak to each other in his presence.
Hell would freeze over before I rode in his car, ever again. He being a total jerk and nice present aside, I’d cut him out of my life. If your intended wants to continue their friendship, so be it, but you aren’t obligated to be a party to that kind of crap!
Dude, get a bike. Don’t make him have be beholden to him. This is a bad relationship-- “We don’t get along but I need a ride and you feel obligated somehow to do it, and I pretend that because I pay for gas it makes everything ok.” There’s too much weird power/friendship/obligation dynamic here-- emancipate yourself from this situation. Take the bus. It’s worth it.
