I can only offer two words to thee, Goody Skald, and they are and ever shall be… Sword Cane. Sword Canes - Hidden Swords, Discreet Self-Defense, Stylish and Functional | TRUESWORDS.com
Available in a variety of styles and just right for poking holes in what aggrieves you.
Advise them against laying hands on you because your Mega-Herpes is very contagious.
You live in the South. It’s going to happen. Say thank you and move on.
Or, ya know, when they go to lay hands on you pull their hands down to your recreational area and smile…
Just say, “Not a good idea, this blindness is contagious”.
I actually have a sword cane. My best friend gave it to me as a gift, not realizing what it was (she was cleaning out her deceased father’s collection of canes), and Cinderella the Rhymer and I discovered its nature later. I didn’t feel it was wise for even a blind black man to be walking around the city with a sword, so I gave it to Cinderella for her birthday.
This is an excellent strategy. Pump the Sign of the Horns a few times, and if the busybody continues with the prayer, you’ve co-opted his efforts. If he drops the prayers and attempts dialog, then he can be overcome with standard verbal ju-jitsu.
(Not that I believe the OP faces this problem enough that a calculated counter-attack is necessary.)
You could switch your cane out for a shillelagh. That’s a blackthorn cane that is has the spiky thorns twisted around it. The thorns aren’t big enough to do serious damage unless dipped in itching powder before using. (Well now, there’s an idea.)
I think I’d settle for saying, in a very loud voice, “You want to feel me up in a supermarket? That’s kinky! But no, just get the fuck away from me and say a silent prayer of thanksgiving that I’m not laying hands on you.”
Quote some Matthew 6 at them:
Be careful that you don’t do your charitable
giving before men, to be seen by them, or else
you have no reward from your Father who is in heaven.
Therefore when you do merciful deeds, do not sound a
trumpet before yourself, as the hypocrites do in the
temples and in the streets, that they may get glory from
men. Most certainly I tell you, they have received their reward.
But when you do merciful deeds, do not let
your left hand know what your right hand does,
so that your merciful deeds may be
in secret, then your Father who sees
in secret will reward you openly.
And when you pray, you shall not be as the hypocrites, for
they love to stand and pray in the temples and in the
corners of the streets, that they may be seen by men. Most
certainly, I tell you, they have received their reward.
But you, when you pray, enter into your inner
chamber, and having shut your door, pray to
your Father who is in secret, and your Father
who sees in secret will reward you openly.
So What Would Jesus Do? Well, he basically said “Fuck you, you self-righteous prick!”
Yeah, I have problems with people who can’t see the humor in faith or atheism… or Satanists offering to pray for me (“That’s great, gang, but I really want a full Black Mass, pentagrams with black candles and goat’s blood, right here in the grocery store.”)
I think a snide comment that deflates someone’s self-righteousness would be more satisfying (and hopefully do more in the long run) than running away or yelling.
Strangers? Back away slowly while banging your cane about to help assure they keep their distance.
You don’t need a sword stick! If the movies have taught us anything, it’s that blind people have the potential for being much better at kung fu than sighted people. Find yourself a master, and get studying.
Or if you don’t feel like working that hard, just do Striking Tiger motions with your hands while making loud Bruce Lee noises whenever someone prays at you. They’ll get the message.
Or maybe they’ll start up their exorcism prayers.
Seems like a risk to me.
Well, yours is clearly a minority opinion (about the demon worship).
But you are right about the touching. You can say, “don’t touch me.” If you say it right, they won’t touch you, unless they are cognitively impaired.
This does remind me of that vivid image of Margaret Mead in her old age, clearing a path through a throng of admirers by whacking their legs with her cane.
“You offered to PRAY FOR me. Now you’re PREYING ON me. Get the fuck away from me!” Followed by a swift kick in the shin. Or the groin.
Be nice to them. That seems to be what we are here to do.
“Your effing god smited me (smote me?) for my terrible heinous sins!!!” Blessing you after that would be going against god’s wishes, right?
I also like the cash thing that digs suggested above:
“Thanks but I’d prefer cash” [hold hand out]. Best case: they either walk away from a beggar or you get free cash! Worst case: they grab your hand and force you to pray with them.
I can’t do the Bruce Lee noises. I watched enter the Dragon once back in 1982 and immediately wiped my memory of it, leaving only and instruction to myself never to watch it again.
You should respond positively and with great excitement when an asshole attempts to pray for and heal you. But, tell him that you’ve already accepted Jesus into your heart and God speaks to you regularly.
If you sell this story convincingly, it will no doubt pique the asshole’s curiosity and he’ll grill you on what God said to you.
Be coy and make him prod it out of you. Maybe your conversation can go something like this:
*…well, I shouldn’t be telling you this, but, uh, he conjured up a vision of you to me recently. He knows all about you. He told me you would be visiting me soon, and here you are! Hallelujah!
…he told me other things, too.*
Asshole: What did he say???
*…well, don’t take it personally, but God doesn’t like you very much. In fact, he called you a ‘dick’. That’s the exact word he used to describe you. I was quite shocked God used that kind of language, actually, but there you have it. I think you’re A-OK, but God thinks you’re a big, fat dick. Sorry.
…oh, that wasn’t all he had to say about you. Lemme tell you, when God gets wound up, he’s a regular motor-mouth. He said the main reason he doesn’t like you is because you have frequent ungodly, deviant sexual fantasies…and you masturbate far too much. He’s taken quite an interest in watching while you, as he puts it, “wax your carrot.”
God said he’s going to smite you big time for all that dirty business you engage in. He mentioned something about having your willy pull off in your hand the next time you yank on it.
Hell, I’m blind, but even I can see you’re in some fire and brimstone type trouble, buddy.
So, I asked God if there was any way you could atone for you sins and save your willy. He said he may reconsider if you flagellate yourself with a cat-o-nine tales for a week, say three Hail Marys and give me a large sum of money. Apparently, God likes me and wants me to be rich. *
If someone grabbed me, I would love to haul off and kick him in the cohones. Hard. It would help get the inevitable crowd on your side if you screamed “Stop GRABBING me!”
I want to have the chutzpah of my pre-teen son at scout camp, who in a crowded mass of boys stampeding into the mess hall turned to a friend and yelled “Buford! You know the judge said you’re not allowed to touch me there!”