How soon should I ask her out?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

[QUOTE=featherlou]
Ask her out sooner rather than later - we’ve all seen the sitcoms, and what happens once you get into the “friends” zone. If you’re good with the consequences of dating co-workers, who are we to disagree?
[/QUOTE]

It has been my experience (and I may be wrong) that if you end up in “the friend zone” you were ALWAYS going to have ended up in the friend zone. You other option was maybe the “stay away from me you creep” zone, or possibly the “wait, who are you?” zone, but boyfriend and/or casual sex partner wasn’t ever on the table.

22

As a woman, I don’t completely agree with that - there are guys that you have not thought about that way yet, until they brought it up - I think the sooner Monkey lets this lady know his intentions, the better. Then she doesn’t get used to thinking of him as a eunuch who she can come crying to over boyfriend troubles. :slight_smile:

23

Call her ASAP. Early in my first year of grad school, I went ice skating with a few classmates. Turns out two of the guys skated together for a bit and had this conversation:

A: Heh, I think that CairoCarol is kind of cute. I’m going to ask her out.
B: Oh, well, actually, I just asked her out myself last night.
A: Oh…okay then, I guess I shouldn’t do that for now.

That was over 25 years ago … I ended up happily married to B. And I later got to know A pretty well as a friend. We had a lot in common and enjoyed our time together; it simply never turned romantic because I was involved with B.

It’s hard to say for sure, of course, but my guess is that if A had asked me out before B, I might be happily married to A right now, and B would be the friend.

24

Update?

25

She’s one of those people (because it’s not just girls, lately) who feel that phone conversation is no longer necessary and handle all their communication in text messaging, and since asking for a date through text seemed pretty lame I decided I would wait til I saw her in person today.

I had it all planned out. I had a reason to leave the happy hour at the same time she would, I had psyched myself up all afternoon, preparing to get a “no” just to keep myself from being too let down when it happened. All I needed was 5 seconds alone with her.

I didn’t get it. At happy hour she and this guy she had been talking to for much of the time left at the same time, and had parked right next to each other. I couldn’t exactly go and stand there waiting for him to leave so I could talk to her. So he got her alone. I didn’t.

I’m hoarse from all the cursing I did in the car ride home. 5 fucking seconds was all I needed. I came with my game face on, with as stacked a deck as I may ever have in my life, and I was outplayed. We’ve been making plans as a large group (all the newly graduated hires) and so she said she’d be up for seeing Batman with me on Monday night (with about half a dozen other people of course, so not like it means anything).

I feel sick to my stomach. Just thinking that this guy may have already made his move… Can’t think about it. I really need to calm down.

I’m away with family this weekend, so it’s not like I can call her up to go bar hopping tonight. These next 72+ hours are going to be torturous.

It’s been about 2 and a half years since the last girl I thought I had a chance with came and went. Maybe 2011 will finally be my year.

If it weren’t for the fact that I have to get up early and drive to the shore tomorrow I would drink myself into a coma.

26

[QUOTE=Soapbox Monkey]
She’s one of those people (because it’s not just girls, lately) who feel that phone conversation is no longer necessary and handle all their communication in text messaging, and since asking for a date through text seemed pretty lame I decided I would wait til I saw her in person today.

I had it all planned out. I had a reason to leave the happy hour at the same time she would, I had psyched myself up all afternoon, preparing to get a “no” just to keep myself from being too let down when it happened. All I needed was 5 seconds alone with her.

I didn’t get it. At happy hour she and this guy she had been talking to for much of the time left at the same time, and had parked right next to each other. I couldn’t exactly go and stand there waiting for him to leave so I could talk to her. So he got her alone. I didn’t.

I’m hoarse from all the cursing I did in the car ride home. 5 fucking seconds was all I needed. I came with my game face on, with as stacked a deck as I may ever have in my life, and I was outplayed. We’ve been making plans as a large group (all the newly graduated hires) and so she said she’d be up for seeing Batman with me on Monday night (with about half a dozen other people of course, so not like it means anything).

I feel sick to my stomach. Just thinking that this guy may have already made his move… Can’t think about it. I really need to calm down.

I’m away with family this weekend, so it’s not like I can call her up to go bar hopping tonight. These next 72+ hours are going to be torturous.

It’s been about 2 and a half years since the last girl I thought I had a chance with came and went. Maybe 2011 will finally be my year.

If it weren’t for the fact that I have to get up early and drive to the shore tomorrow I would drink myself into a coma.
[/QUOTE]

Keep working at it. In the group situations make an effort to talk to her and keep her attention. The time alone will happen.

Don’t be too upset, keep the game face on, and it will happen.

27

It doesn’t sound very healthy to be this upset about it at this point. Shes not your one true love, just some chick you kinda liked. Its kinda creepy actually, chill the hell out.

28

[QUOTE=DigitalC]
Its kinda creepy actually, chill the hell out.
[/QUOTE]

Seconded. Just because she seemed to like you doesn’t give you ‘dibs’. When women talk as you’re talking, they get called psychos. Dial it back before you see her next or she’s going to see right through you. Relax this weekend, enjoy your family and get some perspective.

29

It might help you relax if you keep reminding yourself that if a girl really likes you, it doesn’t matter what other guys do. She won’t allow herself to be “stolen” by another guy if she has her eye on you.
I had already made plans to go out on a date with a guy when, the night before that date, my platonic friend revealed to me that he had feelings for me. I cancelled on the Saturday dude and the friend is now my boyfriend, because he was my first choice all along.
Unless these two have already officially agreed that they’re a couple, there’s still no harm in asking her out to see where you stand.

30

Wow dude, how old are you? This is some middle school drama going on here, only you’re the only one on stage.

Sometimes you come off like she’s a piece of property you want to bid on, and other times like some sort of conquest you’d like to mark sometime this decade. Neither of those attitudes is very cool.

I agree - creepy.

31

[QUOTE=ZipperJJ]
Wow dude, how old are you? This is some middle school drama going on here, only you’re the only one on stage.

Sometimes you come off like she’s a piece of property you want to bid on, and other times like some sort of conquest you’d like to mark sometime this decade. Neither of those attitudes is very cool.

I agree - creepy.
[/QUOTE]

It would be nice to have the luxury to really get to know a person before starting a relationship, but that’s simply not the reality of my generation. The slightest hesitation can put you in the friend zone, or you’ll simply get beaten to the punch by some other guy.

I’m done trying to pretend that it’s not a game. Enough people have told me it is, and I’m convinced.

32

[QUOTE=Red Barchetta]
Update?
[/QUOTE]

Oh sure, come back after 3 days and ask a guy for an update, when you abandon your own biker-chick-possible-date thread for a month with no word. Poor form, sir! :slight_smile:

And Soapbox Monkey, I confused you with Hockey Monkey and was very confused for a second.

33

[QUOTE=BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed]
Oh sure, come back after 3 days and ask a guy for an update, when you abandon your own biker-chick-possible-date thread for a month with no word. Poor form, sir! :slight_smile:

[/QUOTE]

It’s almost frightening how well some of you remember me :stuck_out_tongue:

34

[QUOTE=BellRungBookShut-CandleSnuffed]
And Soapbox Monkey, I confused you with Hockey Monkey and was very confused for a second.
[/QUOTE]

I did that too, for a hot second. Not that chicks don’t date chicks and all, but **Hockey’s ** got a far more mature grasp on dating chicks. Though I don’t think she does date chicks, I think she just likes hockey. I like hockey and I don’t date chicks, FTR. Chicks are cool, but hockey chicks are teh best!
Nawth Chucka, Hockey Chick.

35

If there’s anything I’ve learned from situations like these, it’s to give it your best attempt so you don’t have any regrets. You have her phone number, I assume because she gave it to you. Just call her up, talk for a bit, and ask her out. If she turns you down, then you’re in the same place you already were, except you’re not kicking yourself. And try not to care so much. You’re only desperate because you think you are. Chill out and it’ll come to you.

And what’s her thing with talking on the phone? Does she just absolutely refuse to do it? I prefer text messages myself most of the time, but some things are better said on the phone. I’d ask her out by text if it was my only option.

36

[QUOTE=Soapbox Monkey]
It would be nice to have the luxury to really get to know a person before starting a relationship, but that’s simply not the reality of my generation. The slightest hesitation can put you in the friend zone, or you’ll simply get beaten to the punch by some other guy.

I’m done trying to pretend that it’s not a game. Enough people have told me it is, and I’m convinced.
[/QUOTE]

I agree that there’s no use in dithering, but I don’t agree that taking some time to get to know someone is going to get you put in the friend zone or beaten to the punch, necessarily. Most of the guys I dated in college were guys I got to know as friends first. And I don’t know why you’re assuming that a girl is going to say yes to the first person who asks her out. And even if she does, it’s not like she’s committed herself to that person exclusively with one date. You still have a chance.

It is a game, to a certain extent, but it’s not a game that’s won or lost with the first move.

37

While I agree that a date doesn’t signify a commitment, dates, as I was implying above, aren’t a very common occurrence among people my age.

A date is innocuous. But people don’t date. It’s more like “hey, let’s go to the bar sometime…oops we got a little drunk and had sex…maybe we should keep hooking up and see if this goes somewhere,” which is the antithesis of innocuous.

38

[QUOTE=snailboy]
I’d ask her out by text if it was my only option.
[/QUOTE]

I agree. Sounds like she’s the type of girl who would not be offended by someone using a text to ask her out and might even prefer it. No need to make things harder than necessary just to be “proper”.

39

[QUOTE=Soapbox Monkey]
While I agree that a date doesn’t signify a commitment, dates, as I was implying above, aren’t a very common occurrence among people my age.

A date is innocuous. But people don’t date. It’s more like “hey, let’s go to the bar sometime…oops we got a little drunk and had sex…maybe we should keep hooking up and see if this goes somewhere,” which is the antithesis of innocuous.
[/QUOTE]

You’re in your 20s, right?

If I recall your previous posts on this subject correctly, you seem to have a very weird view of how “people your age” date. My friends range from 22 to 28, and I’ve seen plenty of dating going on. None of my friends ended up with their current SOs through a drunken night at a bar. The “oops we had sex” thing does also exist, but if that’s not your thing then I don’t see why it should bother you, since obviously you wouldn’t be interested in hanging out with a person like that in the first place. (And what you describe seems more like something that would turn into a FWB situation anyway, which isn’t what you’re looking for, presumably.)

And I’m not sure how you are using the word “innocuous” here. Innocuous of what? Sex? Premeditated intent?

If she goes to a bar with that other guy and ends up sleeping with him because they were both drunk and horny, it doesn’t seem like she’s the type of person you’re looking for anyway. If she isn’t, then you still have a chance to ask her out.

40

[QUOTE=Red Barchetta]
It’s almost frightening how well some of you remember me :stuck_out_tongue:
[/QUOTE]

I think it was largely because I was the one asking you for an update in that thread. I can’t remember what happened, and am too lazy to search for it now, but I seem to recall you wussing out about something or another, like an “opportunity” not presenting itself or some such.

wuss. :slight_smile: