How soon should I ask her out?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

Isn’t dating how you can get to know her?

If you’re talking to someone new (in person) and you think there’s a connection there, why not suggest an activity right then and there? E.g. “Hey, I was planning to hit that jazz festival sometime this weekend. Feel like coming along?” Stay away from trite things like dinner and a movie which signal “date.”

Don’t frame it as a date—just buddies, no pressure. In contrast, calling her on the phone introduces artificiality and pressure to it…now you have to think of clever things to say, explain why you couldn’t have asked her out when you saw her, yadda. And you get so much more info from seeing the expression on her face than you would on the phone, either encouraging you to go for it or to desist.

But I think the reality is like the Viet Nam War. “No, we’re not having a war here!” Like hell. You’re out with her, getting to know her, not committed to her and you may mention something that’s a deal-breaker for her or vice-versa. Or it may turn out that you have more and more in common and it naturally morphs into something romantic.

Most importantly, even if nothing romantic transpires on this “not a date,” you get your hat in the ring. And you do this before someone else snaps her up…get in contention at least.

JMO YMMV.
Given the details of the OP I wouldn’t automatically be concerned about the age diff. Some 22 y/o’s are pretty mature and you yourself seem pretty immature ( :wink: I keed, I keed!) so maybe you’ll meet in the middle.

42

I really hope this isn’t true, because I’m 23 and I don’t like to drink and don’t like going to bars. So if the only way for me to find a long-term relationship is to get drunk and have sex…I’m SOL. I’d like to think things aren’t as dire as you make them out to be.

43

This is why I need a moment alone with her though. We’re always together within a larger group of people our age. So when I bring up an activity to her, I get about 4 or 5 other people chiming in with “sounds great, I’m in!”

44

Age difference? You must have gotten the wrong details from the OP, because I am one of the new hires. I just graduated college a month ago.

45

So would I, and I didn’t always think things were. But it’s turning out that I was just really, really naive all through high school and college.

46

And to append to what I responded with to you, lobotomyboy

And as far as immaturity, maybe when it comes to relationships and things of a social nature, but I’ve got far too much shit on my plate right now to be immature in areas that actually matter, like paying the bills, the mortgage, and getting my sister through high school and into college following the death of our mom, considering that we have no contact with, and no support from, our deadbeat father.

Most of my issues (if I had to self diagnose) would probably stem from how fucked up our father left us financially from the time I was 13, and how I basically had to be the emotional rock for my mom through her decade of legal battles to try to get support money out of him while simultaneously keeping a roof over our heads and dinner on our plates with nothing more than a high school diploma and a 15 dollar an hour job.

Now that I’m in charge of the finances I honestly don’t know how she’s pulled if off all these years. And with all of the “serious” issues going on growing up, I guess I just never took the time to develop socially. And because of my shy and awkward nature, the longer I waited the harder it was to talk to people. I’ve made huge strides since high school, and even since sophomore year of college, but I’m at a point now where I’m finding myself increasingly bitter about all the “normal teenager” experiences that I missed out on, and sex seems to be the biggest hang up of all.

I feel like…because of all the expectations heaped upon me by my family, that I eschewed an exciting, risk-party-and-sex filled youth in exchange for a solid foundation towards my future. And now I’m starting to panic because when it comes to love and sex and relationships, there doesn’t seem to be much room for romantics like me in the modern dating scene.

While I could have gone to a different school, one with a more active social life and more opportunities to have lost my virginity, I most likely would not have the great job I have now, and me, my brother and my sister would be completely fucked financially. But as it stands, we’re going to be better off than we’ve ever been.

It makes me feel very conflicted. Obviously I’ve been prepared very well for the situation I find myself in now, but I can’t help but continue to feel regret for everything I didn’t get to experience. And that lack of experience pours over into everything I think and do when it comes to women.

Sorry about the hijack…wow.

47

What’s wrong with that? You can get to know someone through group activities too. If a group activity goes well, you can always ask her out for something one-on-one.

48

DOH! :smack:

Not sure what made my brain fart. Carry on…

49

Don’t worry, they’re not. People meet at bars, but they also meet through mutual friends, they meet through work, they meet through school, they meet through clubs, they meet through teams, they meet online.

50

Yeah, seriously. I’m 26 and my friends’ age range is about the same as yours. I know plenty of people who go on dates. No, it might not be the old “ring the doorbell and ol’ pop answers while your hopeful-girlfriend rushes around upstairs, running late as usual. Then you go to the movies and a carefully planned expensive French restaurant meal and an awkward trip to the makeout spot” whatnots, but a general ‘date’ (hey, do you want to go out and do stuff as not-friends?) as opposed to hooking up at a bar randomly? Dates are more common.

Hookups are hookups. Hookups are not dating/relationship opportunities.

51

I can kind of see where you’re coming from about the lack of romanticism nowadays. I took this girl out last week to eat. It didn’t go so well. My friend got drunk and dialed her up and found out why. She was weirded out by the fact that I would take her out to eat. She expected us to just stay at her place and… fuck I guess. I’m kind of glad I didn’t as she seems to be a little psycho. Her previous boyfriend was roughly 15 years older than her. She met him in prison. (She worked there. He didn’t.) She claimed to be shy yet sent my friend naked pictures (even though he told her he’s married). Fucking weirdo…

Anyway, I had to get that story out. It’s actually an exaggeration of how things are, but they’re still not as innocent as they used to be. But you can still find women outside of bars. Look on the internet. That’s where I found my last girlfriend. (It’s also where I found the psycho in the first paragraph. Just don’t let them know where you live until you get to know them.)

52

You’re making excuses. I used to do this. Always waiting for the perfect moment that will never actually arrive, so you can kid yourself you are an unlucky victim of circumstance when it doesn’t.

Your story about happy hour just screams prevarication.

She’s a female but you don’t think she likes to talk on the phone? Dude. Seriously. That is an excuse. You just don’t want to admit that phoning her would be OK, because then you have no excuse for not doing it.

You don’t want to phone because that is an unequivocal indication of what you want, which means rejection will be an unequivocal indication of what is being rejected. But that degree of commitment is why you need to do it.

Sorry if the above sounds harsh but it’s something I wish someone had said to me a little earlier in life.

53

Big time dittos on that.

54

I found a similar article yesterday while surfing on my iPhone:

Study: shrinking newsrooms hurting papers’ quality
Excerpt from article:
“The downside is that is has eroded the advertising base in print publications, and that is by far the main source of revenue to pay for large news staffs,” Ureneck said.

http://m.apnews.com/ap/db_6414/contentdetail.htm?contentguid=rXu92Sg8

55

Making excuses in those other cases, maybe, but there’s no “excuses” going on with this point. I call her and usually get her voicemail. I text and get a response within minutes.

She’s far from the first person I’ve met who just doesn’t seem to want to talk on the phone anymore. I get pissed at my friends about this shit all the time when I can only get their voicemail while they text back shortly after. Times, they are a-changin’.

56

I seriously hope you don’t actually believe this. I’m in your age range and I find it ludicrous that anybody would even somewhat believe that “dates” don’t happen anymore. FTR, dates happen, often, for people who ask for them; and they happen far more frequently than the “opps we got a little drunk and had sex” scenario does.

Throughout this thread you scream immature. You’ve graduated college yet you are beating yourself up because you didn’t get the opportunity to ask out a girl you’ve just met?! Honestly, if she knew that, she’d never go out with you. (What would you have to offer her except immature drama?)

Also, why haven’t you explained how you got her cell number? If you casually asked for it, and she gave it to you, ask her out. If she offered it to you, ask her out. If you have it because the “new hires” exchanged numbers, or any other reason, it is creepy to be texting her.

57

I don’t see a problem with asking her to do something by text, if you know that is her preferred communication technique. Just do it. :slight_smile:

58

A. If you think that you will ‘get her alone’, and she’s even close to a babe, you are mistaken.
B. If she answers your text mails, you aren’t doing too badly.
C. Combine A and B. While you are in a group get together, text her, asking her out to whatever you have planned. She may think this a bit daring/brazen/cute.

59

The second day we had been talking, conversation gets onto bars in the area, and she brings up that her friend works at one.

Her: Hey, you should come out with us sometime.
Me: Sure.
Her: Let me give you my number.

The End.

60

Dude, I’m an OLD lady, but I can tell you this…SHE ALREADY ASKED YOU OUT!
Stop dithering and text an invitation to this girl NOW!!!

If she didn’t want to have you come out with them (her actually, as the friend in question will be working), she would not have asked, then given you the means to finalize it.

About now she’s wondering what’s wrong with her that you haven’t contacted her.