Gestalt, I’m a male, 27, engaged to a 24 year old. I’m going to give my two cents for what it is worth.
To attract the right type of guys:
First start out by figuring out what type of men are “off limits” in general. Don’t like metros, Jocks, computer geeks? Then while* being open* to a man who might share these tendencies, don’t fish in those ponds for BFs.
Have sex when **you are ready**. He will almost always be ready. While to me you sound like you might get use sex as a tool to keep a guy, it's a bad idea and relationships based solely on sex will only hurt the partners.
Consider a friends with benefits relationship if you are simply in need of human sexual interaction. Be careful that you understand that you don't have any claim to the guy as long as the relationship is defined this way.
To keep a guy:
**RELAX**. Be yourself and have fun. Don't front. Eventually you will either set an unreasonable expectation in his mind, or drive yourself crazy trying to accomodate your "new" persona.
Be honest when it is important to be. Relationships are based on occasionally doing things that you aren't always thrilled with. it is give and take. Hate that zombie flick he wants to see? Keep in mind he went to that Chinese tragedy drama with you the other week. Don't sweat that little stuff, but if it is an important issue to you be straightforward and pleasant about your stance. Good men will appreciate confidence.
Insist of dating dutch for the first month. (this means splitting the bill in case you are not familiar) This sets a standard of equality. Don't accept any gifts greater than flowers or an offer to buy dessert etc.
Do not Expect gifts either.
Be open as you can once things get sexual. Be willing to experiment within the confines of your comfort zone.
Don't share information about your sexual past until you have got at least 6 months in a committed relationship with your new BF. If he is needy about anting this information before that, he is insecure.
Don't stay with a guy if your sexual chemistry is only lukewarm.
Don't EVER try to change a major aspect of a man's personality. There are plenty of men out there to pick from!
Why did I just have visions of “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days”?
Ok, I admit, I pulled one of these. No, I didnt put in fluffy things in the bathroom (except I brought my own egyptian cotton towel). I did, however, change the bedding. He went from single-man bedding to something prettier & softer <gulp>. I think it shocked him for a few & he was speechless. But I do believe all was forgiven when he felt the softness of the sheets against his skin (among other things) But that’s another post…
If you pick someone up in a bar and sleep with them the first night, there is the question as to whether there is a real connection there or does this person just sleep around with every guy they meet. Also, it’s kind of a turn off for me if a girl is going after every guy in her path. It says “I just want to bang something”. And that’s fine. I’m not making a moral judgement. But if you are looking to establish a long term relationship, I think you want to project an image that having a relationship with you is not something you take lightly.
On the other hand, if I like someone, I would probably want to turn things sexual right away. And if it doesn’t work out relationship-wise, that’s ok. So if you have the mindset that you need both the sexual aspect and the relationship aspect and one isn’t any more or less important than the other, there’s nothing wrong with going with the sex part first.
I don’t know… if I were a guy, (which I’m not - don’t let my user name throw you off), I would be attracted to confident, independent women who don’t act needy… someone with a sense of humor, a good listener, light-hearted and fun to be with. You know, like me!
bravo. My husband’s best friend married a real C U Next Tuesday. Needy as all get out. She is incapable of being alone - for even an hour. He can’t come over to our house to watch the game with my hubby if all of her dippy friends are busy. He either has to bring her [and then I get saddled with her for the afternoon because she won’t sit and watch the game like I would, and we have NOTHING in common because she is a vapid waste of space Barbie Doll] - or he says he can’t come over at all. Sad, sad man.
Please, please cultivate your independence just a little bit more. The couple thing will come - I didnt MEET my soul mate until I was 28. You have loads of time, don’t rush it. Wait for quality.
Get out of my living room! Add a blow job to that mix and you’ve just described last Tuesday night
You know guys, following the advice of some here, during seminar today, at a dull moment, I was imagining biting and licking the shoulders and back of a postdoc in front of me, which I often do, as he is smokingly hot. And I thought to myself, gestalt, for once in your life, Stop. Thinking. About. Sex.
And I did, and wow, you look at everyone differently and everything changes . . .
The more I think about it, the more I think my neediness stems from a desire for sex and sexual contact. If I can tame that, or at least not put it at the forefront of everything I think about, I think I could assess situations a lot more clearly.
I KNOW, RIGHT? Like, we can all joke about it and hahaha, but come on, in general, no sane person should be lusting after a cell bio postdoc . . . and I lust after all of them. I need help.
At least they’re not physics postdocs.
<ducks, run, looks around and realizes no one is jumping to the defense of the physics postdocs, straightens back up and walks on nonchalantly>
