It occurs to me, after the events of this past weekend, that there are people out there who don’t have any idea how to be someone’s friend. Maybe they forgot, or maybe they never got taught the rules, but they seem incapable of simple friendship.
So I thought to myself, let me consult the great oracle. Let me post to the boards.
The question I pose is:
How should you treat your friends?
To start off, I thought I’d offer…
Every so often, ask your friends how they’re doing, and then listen to the answers.
Once in a while, do something nice for them.
Make them laugh.
If they’re having trouble, see if you can help.
Find time to just hang out with them.
If they help you out, say thanks.
Any other suggestions?
Well, I’m not too good at friendship, but here’s some of mine:
Listen.
Remember people’s important days. That doesn’t mean birthdays, necessarily. It means remembering that this is the first Father’s Day your friend has had without his father, or that your friend needs a bunch of quick checks around the holidays when he’s prone to depression.
Keep secrets you’ve promised to keep. Be honest if you can’t keep a secret.
Don’t tell your friends what you think they want to hear. Tell the truth as nicely as you can, or keep your mouth shut.
However, there are exceptions to the above rule. Example: if your friend is getting married, and you think her dress is awful, but she loves it and it’s already paid for, then it’s a lovely dress.
This goes beyond just not killing people, it implies that you know what’s nice, so you know how to be nice to others. You do exactly what you wish people would do to you (the nice stuff that you’d be way too polite to ask for).
When I was in cub scouts there was a page in the handbook about religion. Being a progressive atheist/agnostic family, my mom crossed it out and wrote down the above. It’s as good a rule to live by as any for any situation . . . especially being a good friend. But, it works just as well for strangers.
The two rabbis mentioned below were born a generation or two before Jesus.
Rabbi Shammai was an engineer, known for the strictness of his views. The Talmud tells that a gentile came to Shammai saying that he would convert to Judaism if Shammai could teach him the whole Torah in the time that he could stand on one foot. Shammai drove him away with a builder’s measuring stick! Rabbi Hillel, on the other hand, converted the gentile by telling him, “That which is hateful to you, do not do to your neighbor. That is the whole Torah; the rest is commentary. Go and study it.”
I am not Jewish but threw this out because it shows that you can’t just rush into doing things according to the Golden Rule, without thinking about how you interpret the words. Your friend may not like the things you like, so doing for others also includes treating their likes and dislikes with the same respect you would want yours treated.
I’ve always considered the Golden Rule to be too simplistic to be useful. As a code of behavior, it doesn’t work well, for the reasons Kniz brought up. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you if you were them” is a bit more to the point, but then it becomes confusing.
Believe me, you don’t want everybody to follow the golden rule. Some people are masochists.
So, back to the thread, which is already in progress… How do you want your friends to treat you? What do you do for your friends to keep them around?
Yes, although I think that ‘do as you would be done by’ goes a bit deeper than doing exactly the things that you would like; the implication is treatment, not specific acts.
Really listen to them.
And I don’t just mean the words coming out of their mouths. Get to know them well enough so that you know when they say “I’m fine” or “It’s nothing” if there really is something more important behind it. People say they’re fine all the time and a lot of the time they’re not.
Know when you have to pry.
Some people need you to tell them that it’s okay to talk. They don’t feel comfortable just spilling their guts to you and need you to ask if they’re alright and what’s really wrong.
Give them space when they need it.
Yeah I know I’m contradicting myself but you have to know your friends. Some people need to work things out for themselves so back off and let them.
I have a pretty simplistic view of friendship. If I love you, I treat you better than I would treat myself in any given situation. I will go farther, be less judgemental, give more and forgive better than I ever would for myself. Oh, I’m honest with my friends…but since I love them, I am never hard on them. I see them through the eyes of love.
I know…I need to work on thinking of myself as a friend instead of thinking of me as me.
But for the friends I love, it works out very nicely.
And I have to say…I am a woman RICH in friends. I may never win the lottery in a monetary way, but…no one EVER had more love and support in their life than I do.
Yeah, I’m suddenly realizing that I need better friends… go figure.
Be there.
Physically preferably but at least emotionally. Care about your friends enough to put their needs a little ahead of your own like Scotti said. When they’re feeling down give them a shoulder to cry on and the best support that you know how to give. If you know that chocolate icecream is an instant pick me up for your best friend and she just had her boyfriend break up with her then if you can drive over to her house with chocolate ice cream. Be there if she needs someone to talk to at 3AM in the morning and be sure they know you’re there. Be on-line to talk to if that’s there thing but just be there.
I’ve had a few friendships that needed testing recently.
Don’t stand your friends up. If you have to cancel, that’s fine, but do it right before or right after. Waiting a week and giving some weak excuse is rude, rude, rude.
Sometimes friends don’t agree or get along. Don’t use that as a weapon. If you agree to let it go, for God’s sake, let it go.
Let me vent. Really, it does me a world of good. I promise to let you do the same when your time comes.
I make mistakes. So do you. Friends forgive, even if it takes time.
Don’t keep a tally of everything you do for each other. Some years you’ll help the other person more, other years they’ll help you. If you make sure everything’s even then you’re imposing too much formality on a relationship that should be informal.
I agree wholeheartedly. I hate being lied to, even little white lies. I’d much rather know what someone really thinks, so that I can change my behaviour/clothes/whatever. If you lie you risk being asked later, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
But you don’t have to say you like it:
Jane: “Sara will ask you if you like her engagement ring. Be careful. It’s the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen, and I said it’s not my taste. She threw me out of the wedding party.”
(later)
Sara: “So, Suo, how do you like my ring?”
Me: “Wow. It’s so you! It’s perfect for you!”
Sara: “Thank you!”
I didn’t lie; it was perfectly in her egregious taste.