How to become the ultimate asshole

The BBQ Pit
41

Behave in the most boorish ways you can come up with. Examples include but are not limited to:
[ul]
[li]Interrupt others when they try to get in a word edgewise. Let them know that as far as you’re concerned they don’t have a voice.[/li][li]Show up for work late and hung over. Find someone to blame for your irresponsibility, which you should never admit to.[/li][li]Steal people’s lunch from the break room refrigerator. Let someone else make the coffee after you’ve drank the last of the pot. Also, don’t clean up after yourself. Your mother does work there, after all, or at least you act as if she does.[/li][li]Park in handicapped spaces.[/li][li]Bang your door into other people’s cars. They’re the ones who should learn how to park. When you’re done shopping, leave your cart in the middle of the lot. Someone will get it eventually.[/li][li]While you’re in the store, complain to everyone who might actually give two shits about everything from the prices to the poor merchandise selection, the uncleanliness of the restrooms, and of course the surliness from the incompetent and unknowledgeable staff, whom you expect surely must eagerly want to help such a nice guy as yourself as they have seen of you when you have been in before. They should know absolutely everything about all of the products they sell, because they’ve surely used them thoroughly themselves, and they spend their breaks, lunches and the gobs and gobs of off time they have studying the manuals and keeping up on the latest product lines that arrive weekly.[/li][li]Talk loudly in movie theaters, especially when the film is running during quiet parts. Heckle the actors and point out all the goofs that you are proud to have noticed before they appeared on IMDB.[/li][li]Troll message boards and the like. The Internet affords you all kinds of opportunities for assholery, because nobody will know who you really are. The possibilities are endless.[/li][li]Treat your wife like absolute shit, and your kids, too. If they know how easy it is to piss daddy off they’ll all straighten up and behave like good little angels. After the divorce, refuse to pay child support.[/li][li]Smoke in non-smoking areas (which is most public places)[/li][li]The lowly minimum-wage slaves at fast food restaurants don’t deserve your respect, but you feel you deserve theirs. If they were worthwhile people in society like you are they’d have a real job and make as much money as you make. Expect the impossible from them. You want it fast and fresh, and you want it made just the way you like it. You have zero tolerance for mistakes and imperfections, no matter how slight. If they made it wrong because you didn’t tell them how you wanted it, blame them anyway, expect them to read your mind (puny as it may be). Never admit it’s your fault, because that’s a sign of weakness. Raise a major stink about your order being wrong, get the manager involved, and don’t give up until they give in and let you have it and the rest of your meal and the next ten meals for free.[/li][li]Also, leave your trash on the table at fast food restaurants, because they also pay those pitiful peons to pick up after you there, too. While you’re at it, treat the staff like crap because they only make minimum wage. When they screw up your Whopper, [/li][li]Speaking of trash, don’t bother to take the time to throw away your refuse. Just toss it wherever. Littering’s cool. The whole world is your trash can. They pay people to pick up after you, so why not make them work for their money?[/li][li]Ignore all driving laws and disregarding everyone’s safety, including your own. Examples are too numerous to list, but most involve speeding, tailgating, sudden and unsignaled lane changes, passing and flagrantly disobeying traffic signs. They don’t apply to you. In fact, most laws don’t.[/li][li]Be a premium-grade prick to the cop who pulls you over for said driving habits. Don’t stand for his shit. Show him who’s boss and that no man with a uniform, a badge (and a gun) can tell you what to do. Actually, have a gun yourself, too, and get a gun that’s bigger than the cop’s. If that fails, run like the dickens. Once you’ve wrecked the badass ride that you’ve claimed having to all your friends and the cops pile on you, try with all your might to fight them off. Cuss at the cop all the way to the station and slam your head against the grill/spit guard. Remind him of your rights as a citizen and threaten to sue the police department. Be as uncooperativve as possible during booking. Don’t let them take your fingerprints (if they don’t already have them on file from one of many previous arrests you undoubtedly have racked up on your mile-long rap sheet. Don’t let them take your picture. Once they’ve gotten you subdued and forced to submit to their demands, brag to all your new buddies in the holding cell about how much of a badass you are. If anyone dares to challenge you, pick a fight with them.[/li][/ul]

While by no means even a nearly complete list, behaving in such a wholly uncouth manner everywhere you go and to everyone you meet will undoubtedly elevate your status to Ultimate Asshole.

42

You got the first two in the wrong order.

Asshole.

43

You had “darn”? All we had was “fiddledeedee”, and if you weren’t carrying a small potato at the time you ran the risk of good thumping. Why I remember when I ran into Rocco Cantataloni down to Ernie’s Gas n’ Eats. He was buyin’ a soda pop at the time, but his sister was pretty as I remember. Anyway, the pop machine took my nickel but no pop came out. “Fiddledeedee!” I said, plain as anything, and of course Rocco demanded to see my potato. I made a fist in my pocket and pretended that was it, but he weren’t fooled, and hauled of and boxed my ears. Coulda fooled his sister though, I’m sure, as she was a bit simple. Rocco was just a plain old asshole, which is the point.

44

You left out having long, loud conversations on your mobile in public places(The library is a good place to do this)

Allowing your obnoxious little brats to run riot in public places and then laugh about it to everyone because for some reason you think that its cute.

When on a crowded train or bus place your bags or other personal effects on the seat next to you hoping that people will be too embarrassed to ask you to move them, that way you get a double seat to yourself and they stand up for the duration of the trip.

A variation on this is to stretch yourself out into the aisle between the seats so that people will either bump into you (Which means that you can give them an angry scowl for being so inconsiderate)or they have to practice all sorts of contortions to squeeze by you.

When you reach a constricted space like a shop doorway or stairs, stand still for a while so that everyone else has to wait behind you.
It doesn’t matter because you’re the only person there.

When getting on a bus or at the supermarket wait until you’re told how much you have to pay before rummaging around in your bag through piles of junk to look for your money/credit card.

That way everyone else behind you gets to stand there doing nothing for the duration which we all enjoy.
A bonus of this is that if you take enough time looking you might make the bus late and hopefully even make other passengers late for work/appointments.
(But this is only if you’re really lucky)

45

And finally, insist that your behavior is simply consistent with your superior moral code, or a refusal to indulge in the hypocrisies that keep the rest of us from killing you.

46

Hmmm looks like I touched a raw nerve there.

47

Naw, my nerves are just raw because of that asshole who thought [del]playing[/del] sharing his selection of music with everybody through his cheap speaker on his music device rather than headphones/earbuds would make happy – while standing in the subway door.

48

Excellent, grasshopper. I have nothing more to teach you.

49

One must not forget that an 18-inch prehensile tongue can be a very endearing characteristic.

50

I meant ELUCIDATOR]s rather bizarre post.

Seems that for some people its never to early to start drinking.

51

You also have to remind the cop that you pay his salary, and arresting you is taking time away from going after the real criminals.

52

I know, I was just being an asshole.

53

Ah, actually, no. My post was simply an addition to the ongoing thread, and not particularly a response to you. That you think it “bizarre” is something you might want to take up with your support group.

54

I assume you meant 'inspire".

Regards,
Shodan

55

I think he meant “shits.” Never begrudge an author his favorite writing medium.

56

Oh, and I thought of a few good suggestions—ranging from “pay another poster to leave” to “be such a prick that another poster pays you to leave” to “boast that you can write a professional script, fail, then claim you succeeded” to “sign all your posts with ‘Regards’ even though other posters, most of whom you have no actual regard for, plead with you to stop”—but I think my best advice would be this:

Join an online community, and then devote eight years and over five thousand posts to contributing nothing but drive-by snarky one-liners and unprovoked insults. While you’re shitting on everyone, strain to convince yourself that you’re a well-regarded wit instead of a bitter, soulless, socially maladjusted prick.

57

Shit, that ain’t so bad, what about that poster who is always butting in being friendly, compassionate and understanding, fluting her kindly good nature and cheerful generosity, even befriending and defending some of the most loathsome Board Morloch.

Nothing pisses people off like a good example, Zoe! So knock it off! Stupid, stupid Fland…Zoe! D’oh!