How to curse your computer

Sometime, in the near future, I am going to get a new computer. As of now, I am stuck with a slow, lazy, whiny, low memory piece of shiitake that crashes whenever there’s the slightest problem. And erases my cookies while it’s at it.

I need some good computer-oriented invectives to yell at it. Mere common profanity will not do for the aggravation this thing is causing me.

“Son of a glitch!”

“Your mother wears analogue!”

You clearly have a severe relationship problem. The best approach is to move on. Tell “her” that you are done with her and that you gonna make out with her hot sexy sister you bought on Slickdeals. Dump her ass and if you own a gun, target practice on “her”. Good luck.

“You son of a byte! I’m going to kilo you! Take this memory stick and RAM it up your Asus!”

PC load letter? WTF is THAT!?!?!

I don’t know. What* is* a PC load letter?

reads the posts above

Where did anyone mention PC load letters?

Office Space (the movie).

PC load letter means put some paper in the default feed tray of the printer.

Did you get the TPS report?.. Uhhhh yeah…I’ll make sure you get a copy of that.

Sorry for the derail…When I think of cursing a computer (or computer-related device), “PC load letter…” is the first thing that comes to mind.

I suggest a more direct approach to changing it’s behaviour.
I have found percussive maintenance to be quite fulfilling.

Yeah, I’m always a fan of breaking some other defective equipment within the monitor’s eyesight. Shows it who’s boss.

A curse from Aurthur Dent: “I am going to re-program you with a very large ax.”

Sounds to me like your computer is already plenty cursed. Maybe try a hexorcism?

What if a man started pulling a few plugs?!?!

That was Zaphod’s curse, but yeah, that.

See 2001: A Space Odyssey again for a useful suggestion.

Your curses should be calm and confident, profound promises rather than threats. Do not, Do NOT give the box any reason to think that any cursing is thinly disguised worry or even worse, fear.

Your box is basically a wrapper for simple silicon, not much different than sand found on any beach. That is the simple truth, so do not be afraid to announce it loudly.

The box is the tool; you are the tool user. YOU will prevail. Remind it that this is so.

It, too, shall pass.

Tools?
I cut myself with those damn things.

My wife, pepper Mill, curses the computer in Klingon. She says it’s satisfying.

She did it just today, when she messed up the printer.

Best reason ever to learn any Klingon at all!

I read that wrong the first time. Now I have to get rid of this mental picture of someone cutting themselves with a box. I mean, I ain’t sayin’ it couldn’t be done… only…