I find it difficult, for one thing, to make the jump between “acquaintance” and “friend”. I mean, I have plenty of work acquaintances who I really like, but we don’t see each other outside of work. I’ve even gone to the step, difficult for me, of arranging post-work outings, which have been fun, but aren’t repeated and just don’t lead anywhere.
To an extent it’s true that it’s hard to make friends as half of a couple, but the boyfriend and I actually went to some classes together and just weren’t really capable of making friends that we’d see outside of class. I mean, I’m not. On his own, he’s one of those little social butterflies who has a million friends (but only a small group of close ones) and never has a night where he’d rather go out where he doesn’t have anyone to go with. Actually, through the campaign a lot of people got to think that his campaign manager was his girlfriend, even though I went to (IMHO) a gracious plenty of those event things. It’s tough for introverts.
Don’t worry about meeting new people or making friends. Just decide what kinds of things you would like to do in your spare time, and do them. You will naturally make friends with the other people doing the same stuff with you.
We moved here about three years ago and have had a hard time meeting people with similar interests. We tried volunteering at an animal rehab shelter, which was ok.
The best luck we’ve had was a motorcycle group that we met through meetup.com. Some of the people in the group we meet with socially, not just for motorcycle rides.
We have people show up for a ride or two and then not show up until next season, it’s pretty casual. Though it’s my understanding that not all groups are like that.
LOL @ calling me an extrovert. My advice is based on my extreme personal shyness. That’s why I say to concentrate on the activity, and not on the persons. I hate going to parties where there are no activities because then I’m forced by default to try and strike up banal conversations with strangers or near strangers. Whereas if there is some shared activity like a game or a sit down dinner, conversations happen naturally. Also, a good host will introduce people they think will hit it off rather than leaving people to fend for themselves.
Anyway, if you prefer solo activities, why are you looking for friends? If you made a friend, what would you do with them? I find that the best way to make a friend is to want to do something in particular, and invite one of your acquaintances you think might be interested in the same thing. Acquaintances are anyone you come into contact with on a semi regular basis - people that used to be in your peer group, friends of friends who moved away, facebook friends, relatives, people at work, people you talk to online, local dopers , etc.
Also, the OP says they aren’t single. What does your SO do for friends? Can you share? Or are their times together highly gender specific and segregated? Can your SO’s friends introduce you to gender appropriate friends? Can you double date? Often times couples will have other couples as friends.
I had a huge group of semi-friends from a club at school and a few real friends. After graduation, the school friends eventually faded away for the most part, due to business or moving. Then my social life mostly revolved around my housemates, some of whom I knew from school. For awhile, it revolved around the social group of a guy I had briefly dated, with whom I became better friends with than the guy. There was one job I worked at where I did a lot of social things with my workmates. At this point, I have two main best friends, one is a friend I went to school with and who used to be one of my housemates but now has her own place about 10 miles away. The other is a guy I used to chat with online who was local, and one day I was bored and hungry and asked him to join me at the diner. Another time there was a really stupid movie that I wanted to see and I said “you’re probably the only person I could get to see this with me”. Eventually it evolved into a weekly movie and a weekly “Tivo” gettogether, and the occasional vacation together. I’ll also occasionally go on trips and visit the friends that have moved away. It’s not a bad way to make a vacation better with free lodging and good company.
On the other hand, I have also learned the value of solo activities. If I spend a whole week just reading books by myself and ignoring the outside world, there’s nothing wrong with that.
So I would say, decide what you want to do, ignoring the people factor. Either invite the most appropriate acquaintance to that thing you want to do (or a blanket invitation to whomever is interested), or else find a group of people who are already doing that thing and ask to join.
Yeah jackdavinci, I like ziplining and paintball and laser tag and board games and 1/2 price appetizers at happy hour. I can’t just naturally pop in and meet people in those activities. When I’m throw into a group I tend to shine, it’s just finding the group and then choosing the people that are loyal, friendly and funny.
rhubarbarin, I think it’ll be easier once I move to a neighborhood where there are less college and grad students and more working people, like I will next year. When I take a walk here in my neighborhood, the only people around are college and grad students listining to ipods walking or jogging, or elderly people (lots of condos since we’re near the hospitals) walking to the drug store. I really can’t wait to get a dog, because you meet tons of people that way as well.
I forgot to add the lone exception to the rule…that I’d be great friends with my boyfriend’s best friend’s girlfriend except for the fact that she lives in Germany. So we only see each other for a little while once the two of them have had enough hot monkey sex to last them the next 3 months :p.
Exactly. This is my problem: stuff I like to do with other people requires that the other people already be there. I love going to movies and eating out, or bowling, or traveling, or what have you. You…really can’t meet people doing that stuff by yourself. You’re just the lonely guy with his own lane or his own table. Travel, maybe, but that’s still pretty tricky.
I’m an extreme introvert who’s had to adapt to the extroverted world. I still enjoy spending time alone inside my house doing solitary things, and I don’t meet anyone that way of course. But if I want friends, I put myself out there where I’m going to find them.
Ha! My parents’ dog is a brindle bullboxer and is ugly but super friendly. Somehow people are drawn to him and want to pet the dog whose tail looks like it’ll fall off from all the wagging. If they only knew how many groundhogs he’s slayed…
26 year old female here that moved to DC two years ago. I have a “professional” job where I am the youngest person in my office and everyone is married so I was nervous about this too when I moved. But two years later, I’d say I have a pretty awesome and wide circle of friends. I met most of them through the following methods:
I moved into a group house (there are five of us 20-somethings that live in a large house together). I lived alone before and was nervous about moving in with so many people but my roommates have been super rad and I’ve met a lot of people through them. Also, it’s easy to host parties when you already have 4 other confirmed guests. We host little parties too, like board game night, dinner parties, or BBQ in our backyard, which creates incentive to invite people you met outside of your roommates and a chance to get to know them in a non-bar setting. There are definitely some downsides to this, such as you might have crappy roommates, but for me, it has worked out nicely!
Although I have a “professional” job, I got a job in a “hip” restaurant hostessing and work 1-2 nights a week. The restaurant industry is usually young people, and I’ve definitely made some awesome friends working here as well as getting hooked up around town through other fellow industry workers.
I was SUPER aggressive at emailing/organizing nights out. Even people who I met in passing at a bar, or networking event, or whatever… get the business card, email and see if they want to meet for a concert, drinks, dinner, etc. 97% never followed up, but the 3% that did have now become awesome friends.
Also, my college alumni and sorority alumni association were good starting points.
Hmm. Business cards. I could round up a few hundred for $10 it appears. Not a bad idea at all.
Though I won’t be waiting tables. The way Pittsburghers tip is disgusting. I have people falling all over me if I go to a place more than twice, and I only tip 18-25%.
My advice is similar to several of the other posters. Find an activity you enjoy that has a group that gets together regularly and become a regular. Even if the regular’s aren’t the type to be your BFF become friends with them. When new people show up, especially those where a bigger connection seems likely, be there first day of school tour guide.
You’ll have the regulars to back you up so it won’t feel like your going out on a limb. You’re just welcoming the newcomer. It may take persistance, but you’ll have a good set of friends soon.
I joined a couple of hiking groups through the Sierra Club. I’m a bit of an introvert, but I talked to a few people everytime and started becoming friends with the regulars. Pretty soon by fact that I kept showing up I was a trusted regular and treated like a friend. I was single and it became quite easy for me to talk to any of the new interesting women went on hikes or get togethers. They were visiting my group while I’m hanging with a bunch of my male and female friends. I made same sex friends too which was actually quite cool.
I’ve not tried Meetup really, but it seems that it has groups that could work for you in a similar way.
The only friends I’ve met since college are on Facebook. I know it’s already been suggested, but I note that a lot of people here frown on Facebook, so I wanted to mention it again.
I’m in the same boat (moved 4 years ago to a new city where I don’t know anyone), and it doesn’t get easier as you hit 30 and your friends start having kids. If you’re not headed down that road (which usually leads to making lots of other new-mom friends), it’s tough because now my friends are all busy with babies.
The activities I like area also not those that tend to bring in young, kidless women. I’m in a community choir, which is great, but I’m the youngest person there by probably 15 years. I’m friendly with everyone there and love seeing those people, but they’re not people that I’m going to be best friends with.
I love cooking, and I’ve been wanting to start a dinner group with some other foodies, but that hasn’t worked out so far. I’ve invited lots of potential friends (work or church acquaintances) over for dinner, but most people aren’t into cooking and are intimidated by even simple dinners that I make (I mean like Rachael Ray 30-Minute Meals… I’m not making gourmet food here.) and aren’t willing to reciprocate. So those opportunities kind of fizzle with one exception who has become my closest friend in the area.
I go to church and am involved there, but the only 20-40 year olds who go to church have kids and don’t have time to get together without kids and I’m not interested in doing kid activities. (We have gone to the zoo with friends with kids occasionally, but it’s not something I’d want to do often.)
So I’m out there, and I’m trying to invite people to do things, but I don’t get return invitations or if I do, it’s for parties, and I’m enough of an introvert that I don’t like going to a party where I only know the host and would have to try to make small talk with a bunch of strangers over beer (which I don’t drink).
It’s a common problem. I wish we all lived closer together and could start a banish-loneliness group!
For me, working in the restaurant isn’t about making money. It is a great opportunity to meet young people who have interesting side jobs. Most of everyone who works with me is in a band, a photographer, artist, graphic designer, etc. I got to meet all these great, artistic people that my professional circle would have never introduced me to. The year I’ve been working there I’ve been invited to countless concerts, art shows, etc. Just find a restaurant that caters to a young clientele and see what happens!
Oh I know you were doing it to meet people. I just don’t think I could deal with the rejection of not getting good tips after a night on my feet
ETA: Taxi, have you tried Meetup? I haven’t gone on an official “meetup” yet, but I have a lot of promising leads for this weekend and Thursday. Many different interest groups to boot, including cooking and going out to a variety of different restaurants, etc.
I’m going to try to go to a knitting meetup group tonight. If I can get out of work at a reasonable time which isn’t looking good at this point, and I’m getting rather frustrated about the delays. :mad:
Show up late if you can!Even if you don’t get a chance to knit with them, you could form a smaller, sooner get together than the next regularly scheduled one. Sometimes the bigger groups are so clunky that it takes a week or more to put something together.
A few people voted for my particular happy hour idea, so I contacted them and we set up our own little get together
, etc.