I know that even discussing presents to guests is crass and not to be done. The thing is, I’m marrying into a very large clan of West Virginians. I’m a west coast girl. My sweet baboo is a career Marine who is currently in the sandbox and I’ve owned my home for over 7 years. (me and the bank, I mean) We aren’t young kids just starting out.
These are very kind, caring, giving people. Future MIL has already started planning the wedding for her only son. We are doing the wedding for his family, I want to go to Vegas and find a drive through place with an Elvis.
He’s her only son, the only male child in his generation, a Marine following the family tradition of service…I could go on.
I just know that they are going to want to shower us with gifts and buy us wedding china and stuff. The wedding is in 16 months, so I don’t need an answer fast.
I’m tossing this out to the teeming millions in the hopes that I’ll find a polite way to nip the whole gift thing in the bud.
People may feel uncomfortable doing nothing. Maybe you could tell them that in lieu of gifts to honor your soon to be husband’s service by making a donation to the USO or some charity that helps disabled vets.
We put links to four non-profit orgs in our invitation with a brief, carefully worded explanation that we didn’t need any stuff. We thought hard about which organizations, and included ones we both believed in and that would cover the bases of appeal to our guests – for instance, we included Habitat for Humanity as much because it’s Christian and would appeal to the fundies in my extended family as because we think it’s a great charity.
If this is going to cause a family rift, go with the flow. If mother-in-law-to-be has had fantasies about her boy’s wedding it may be easier, in the long run, to bite the bullet and go traditional.
On the other hand, I like the idea of suggesting that people contribute to some charity.
Perhaps it would be better to give guests / family an option but know that some people just HAVE to hand over something wrapped in a box.
I’m not getting the answers I want! They are going to give us a wedding. They are going to be there for us. That’s really all I want.
I’ve always been a little shocked at brides/new mothers demanding gifts or money. I don’t want to join this family to have them think I’m greedy.
The idea of contributing to a charity is a good one. I am active in a cat/dog rescue group and we always need money. Now that I’m thinking about that…it sounds money grubbing.
This isn’t a big deal now. Its something that will be a big deal in the future to me. I honestly do appreciate the input.
I’ll think of you when I’m in Vegas in June, wheedling my sweetie through as quick a ceremony as can be managed.
If they’re already planning a big wedding, there WILL be gifts. I wouldn’t worry about anyone thinking you’re money-grubbing unless you bring it up at all. If anyone ASKS you, you can honestly say you guys are set, and mention donations to an organization, but really, you’re going to get gifts. I think you might just have to go with it.
I’m in sorta the same boat as the OP, except I’m the groom. The Druidess and I are both well over 40, have established households of our own, and really don’t need umpteen toasters, blenders, etc. We’ve got a couple of strategically selected confidants on both sides to spread the word to anyone that asks for suggestions…but those that don’t ask will probably end up showering us with stuff we don’t want or need.
I don’t have a good answer for you. We were in the same situation. Our mothers were instructed to tell anyone who asked that we hadn’t registered anywhere and didn’t expect or need presents.
A lot of people gave us money, and a few people bought us things they thought we’d want. Mostly they guessed wrong (hee hee), but it was always a nice gesture of course. A couple gifts were symbolic and touching.
Now we’re having our first baby, and I registered for baby stuff, and I’ve learned that things are no different if you have a registry–everyone ignores the registry and either gives you money or things you didn’t ask for. And you’re -1 on your own self-respect, for having registered.
Have your mothers/sisters/whoevers say that you don’t expect gifts, then hope for the best.
We married a year ago and simply didn’t register for anything, or put any reference to gifts on the invitation. A few folks asked and we simply replied that their presence was a gift to us and thanked them. Out of 120 guests we had 3 or 4 gifts and everyone else did cards with money or gift certificates.
Really still haven’t found a use for those couple of gifts yet, either.
You will NOT be getting an an inventation! I officially hates you now:D
I guess I’m going to have to suck it up, but I don’t have to like it. I think its culture shock on my part. I’m not going to pout and make a fuss, I’ll be gracious and send thank you cards to everyone who attended, with a special note of thanks for the redundant food processer.
Nods head in agreement. I love my new family, I don’t want them to waste money buying me something I won’t use but won’t feel right about returning or giving away.
It really shocked FMIL that I don’t want to do a gift registry or 3. She says it would be considerate to everyone so they don’t have to guess. I HATE gift registries with the heat of 10,000 burning suns. I always buy something off them, tho.
How to stop the gift cards and money? I really, REALLY don’t want that even more than I don’t want gifts.
Most people like giving gifts. Many of those people grumble a little about societal expectations as they buy something off the registry, or guess, or write a check that balances the checkbook with the family relationship . . . or get a gift card hoping to be both fun and universally enjoyed.
But I’m not sure that there is a way to stop all gift giving–especially when people are trying to be nice and give you cash or the equivalent, rather than china you’ll never use.
My understanding is that it’s crass to mention anything about gifts whatsoever in the invitation. People understand that certain parties connected with the wedding (maid of honor, best man, mothers-in-law) know where the happy couple is registered. You can inform these people that you have no room in your house for any more stuff, and that you have a charity near and dear to you that could use some help, and donations could go there, along with a nice letter.
This page gives some sample texts to put on invitations. Some folks might find them crass, but fuck 'em.
Well, Bed Bath and Beyond lets you bring back ANYTHING that you get that you registered for.
Maybe you could register for a bunch of normal-sounding crap, let your relatives and friends buy it for you, then take it all back, buy a bunch of toiletries and stuff, and donate the toiletries to your local MHMR, battered women’s shelter or homeless shelter.
Or just register at Target for inexpensive consumable household stuff: paper towels, cleaning supplies, toothpaste . . . and donate that stuff. Or even just use it. That way you get useful stuff that doesn’t sit around collecting dust.
When my husband and I married a couple of years ago, we were in a similar situation: both nearing 40, with two households worth of stuff already, so we really didn’t need much; but with two families who would certainly want to mark the occasion with gifts. My strategy was to make a couple of small gift registries. I did the “mental checklist” thing, and registered for stuff like new sheets (ours were all pretty old, and is there anything better than new sheets?) or an inexpensive set of stonewear to replace my slightly battered 20-year-old set. I also added a few things like cheap-o towels and stainless steel bowls that we donated to an animal rescue I work with, and we exchanged a few items for stuff like big honking bags of dog food and transport kennels for the same rescue group*. Sure, there were a few random gifts - the inevitable photo frames, useless crystal bowls, etc - but most of the gifts we received were pretty useful, one way or another.
*On a similar note, you could also get in touch with a women’s shelter/homeless shelter/soup kitchen/hospice, and ask whether they have any specific needs for domestic goods. Maybe the hospice could use a good blender to make shakes for their patients, or the family shelter needs durable tablewear, or the soup kitchen needs some decent knives?
Make sure the groom-to-be agrees with you on this. You may already have a house full of your stuff but maybe he’d like some new stuff. Not saying this is at all the case, but the OP doesn’t mention what he thinks.
If so, let it be known to future mother-in-law that while you appreciate the wedding you two really don’t want any gifts as you are well established. Ask for her help in spreading the word.
When people give you gifts anyway, accept them graciously.
Keep in mind that your only obligation when receiving a gift is to receive it graciously, you are under no obligations as to what you do with the gift after receiving it. Give whatever you get to charity or the homeless guy on the corner or toss them out of the car at the local illegal dumping spot.
If anybody who learns of this gets upset that their gift did not become a cherished part of your home for all of eternity tell them to kindly fuck off.
Or alternatively,
If you really are only have a traditional wedding so as to make his extended family happy, why stop there? Just roll with the punches. For the most part people are not giving you gifts because they think you necessarily need something but because it will please them to think they are somehow contributing to your new life together.
That’s what I came in to say, actually. When my wife and I got married a few years ago, we didn’t really need any “stuff” and tried to put the word out that we really, honestly didn’t expect any gifts the response that filtered back was “Tough, you’re getting them anyway and if you refuse you’re going to upset a lot of people since it’ll look like you’re saying you’re too good for any of the stuff they’ve gone to a lot of trouble to get for you”.
We deliberately didn’t register anywhere (since there was nothing we wanted from anywhere that did Registries that any of our relatives could likely afford) and resigned ourselves to getting a lot of wine glasses and china sets.
To be very fair to our guests, we did actually get some incredibly thoughtful gifts, so if nothing else, the request for “No Gifts” at least turned into “If you must give us something, make it something truly special”, albeit inadvertently.
We made a point of saying “your presence is more important that your presents”* but that if people wanted to buy us a gift we’d like vouchers for a particular (reasonably high-end) department store.
That way people didn’t feel bad about not buying us anything, and those who wanted to would at least feel that they were contributing to the marital home (rather than an expensive holiday etc) but without having to tick off specific items from a gift list.
We were married almost 5 years ago and we still have some of the vouchers - they have been mostly used for our daughter’s bedroom, as we didn’t have any of that stuff when we got married, and we figured it’s the sort of thing our guests would have wanted to contribute to.
awwww, I wanted to git in here and say this first. Think of it flattie, you keep a couple pieces for when folks come out, and the rest you cart on back, one-stop shopping, and then donate the sum to a nice animal rescue site.
Sure, it’s no fun to smile nicely/feign excitement/write thank-you notes for stuff you know, deep down in your black, black heart that you’ll be returning, but the alternative is hurting MIL/future family’s feelings, no? Plus you’re a West Coast gal, meaning you’re probably already somewhat suspect as it is. Only son, eh? Mom’s been waiting a looooong, looooong time for this. Please, let her have her dream wedding. You get the prize–Sweet Baboo–so let Mom/familly fete him the way they’ve always wanted to.
Even though this no doubt cuts me right off your guest list, I’m still big enough to offer to babysit Idiot Cat while you kids are on your honeymoon.
Now, you’ve got 16 months to perfect that Academy Award-winning “OMG! I’ve never seen an actual food processor up close! Baboo, isn’t this lovely? OMG! etc etc etc” bridal performance. Git goin! :D:cool:
I wish that potential giftees would keep in their appropriate boundaries and not try to direct how I wish to express my well wishes to them, whether by saying what to buy or to buy nothing. It’s not about their finances, or mine. Registering somewhere is fine, but I only want to be told where if I ask. After they thank me for the token of my well wishes that I decide on, they can do whatever they want with it. I feel like it’s not their call so their overinvolvement is pushy and overly interested in other people’s money, either way. JMHO.
