I think we’re all missing the symbolism here. The point is that by receiving these things you are symbolically including them into your household. That item that is in your home reminds you of them, and makes them feel a part of your day-to-day life. It’s wrong to think that you can get married and not make any changes to the stuff in your home, even if you have been living together for ten years. Donate the old one unless it is substantially better than the new.
Now, there must certainly be things in your home which need updating. How about new towels and linens? Photo frames? One bride I know asked for wall-hanging photos of each family, probably the most thoughtful and generous “request” I’ve ever heard. She then hung them throughout the hallways in their home. A really lovely idea, made everyone feel included, and gave each group an excuse to get a nice portrait done that year.
Or pretend that Thanksgiving is coming up and it’s your turn to host this large clan. What do you need? Servers? an extra counter-top oven? Large coffee urn? A couple of stow-away cots? (Or better, the kind that fold up into ottomans?) Warming trays?
If you begin with the thought of including them or hosting them, and ask for the implements of hospitality, you can’t go wrong.
Seconding this. When we threw a big party for my parents’ 25th anniversary, they insisted that they didn’t want people to buy them things, so we put a note at the bottom of the invitation that said, “Your presence is your gift.” Some people still brought presents, but most didn’t.
We went the route of saying ‘no presents thanks, but if you want to bring something, please feel free to bring a bottle of wine to share with us on the day.’
I was wondering this too. Keep in mind your mother in law has probably been buying wedding presents for other people’s kids for 20 years, now these people are coming to her son’s wedding and it’s potentially awkward for her to tell people “no gifts”, when some of them probably still remember the bedsheets she bought their daughter. Even if you get her to deliver the message you want, you can’t make her like it, so it may very well come out as “<sigh> Well this was flatlined’s idea …”
Also if you don’t register for a china pattern then it’s unlikely people will buy you fine china from random patterns. If they do … my bet would be that it was regifted or from TJ Maxx, if they ever come visit they probably won’t ask what happened to their lone mismatched soup bowl.
We had a household established, and didn’t register anywhere. We didn’t make any mention of gifts, needed or otherwise, and we mostly got cash. I have found that most people who love you want to at least “pay for their plate” at the wedding party, and I have a hard time seeing a problem with that.
While it seems rude to me to make a “gift grab” it seems just as rude to demand no gifts, or to suggest a donation to a charity. You want your guests to feel welcome and comfortable, so I don’t see how you can make any demands of them.
I’d say - no gift registry, no shower, and if it really makes you unhappy (really?), donate the cash gifts to charity, and then take the gift cards/items to an eBay seller, then donate the proceeds from the sale to the charity.
That way you’ve managed to snub all of the gift givers/well wishers, just how you seem to want to. How you will explain that to your mother in law in beyond me.
Exactly what we did 4 years ago this August, word for word. The gifts we did get mostly sit dusty in storage, courtesy of Uncle Sam. That could be the tack you take, OP - we don’t any stuff as we have to carry it for every move and we move a lot due to the military.
Don’t register, no matter how you’re pushed, but don’t be surprised if your MIL-to-be does it ‘for you’ b/c her family’s pressing her. It happens.
You and your groom are on the same page w/ this, right? B/c if he vacillates it’s all over.
ETA - avoid a shower; since you’re out of town from them it should be easy but keep an eye out for a surprise one and maybe put a bug in your grooms ear to nix it if he gets wind of one.
When my dad got married a few years ago, the invitations said that the invitee’s presence was the only gift they wanted. But if they felt the need to do something with money, they offered up a few of their favorite charities and said that a gift in the bride and groom’s names would be wonderful. I’ll probably do something similar if I ever get married.
I was going to say exactly what Nawth Chucka said. If your intended stays in the Marines, you will likely move every few years, and it’s not like you’re staying in the same town. You may also find yourself living in smaller quarters than you’d like, and stuff just tends to cause clutter, especially stuff you don’t or can’t use, so it’s just best not to acquire stuff. Since his family has a tradition of military service, they’ll probably understand.
If I understand correctly, you live on the West Coast and hubby is “elsewhere” at the moment.
Can’t you use the fact that you don’t live in West Virginia as an excuse for not wanting to try to schlep gifts across country? People will understand you don’t want to pack 23 toasters in your on board luggage compartment.
If they want to put a few buck in an envelope to defray the costs for the wedding, what is the harm? You could give it to charity if you wished, or sock the money away for use later.
Thank you everyone for your replies. I don’t want to offend anyone. I want our day to be special to everyone. My sweet baboo is absolutely on board with me about stuff. We know that we will be moving at least every 3 years and we really aren’t into having a lot of stuff anyhow. To be honest, he’s told me that as long as he gets to wear his dress blues, visit with his family and then get me alone and naked at the end of the day..he doesn’t really care about the details.
This is excellent advice, I will keep it firmly in mind. Thank you.
You are so right that she’s been looking forward to this for a very long time. When I brought the wedding up to her, she already knew where she wanted to have it.
Idiot cat would steal your carkeys and then you wouldn’t be able to get to the reception.
Thank you. I’m trying hard to make this day about the celebration of our union, but its so easy to forget about boundries.
I’ve not been staying awake nights over this, but I have been reading online about it some. This is a wonderful idea. I’ve never read a better idea. Its perfect in so many ways. Its better than perfect!!! I’ll run it by my sweet baboo, but I already know he will love it. (Would it be appropriate to open the portraits and desplay them at the reception?) Does a happy dance for a while.
I do delicate, fussy needlework. Every year, I send a handmade present and a thank you card to FMIL on my Sweet Baboo’s birthday. hmmm. Not getting the linky thing, but here is one.
I’m going to design bookmarks and make one for everyone who attends. I’ll design 2, the under 12 bunch won’t be as impressed with fancy stitching as they will with sequins and beads.
HAH!!! My Sweet Baboo and I won’t be the only ones leaving with stuff
You were too fast for me, I wanted to edit that post to show this as a better example of how detailed I can get.
I’m loving my idea of giving bookmarks to everyone. Sometimes I have a stroke of genius. They will get handmade, commerative bookmarks that they will feel obligated to keep forever Give ME stuff, will you?!?
In my mind’s eye, I’m seeing ivory and rose on ecru fabric. Open work, our names and the date on top and a long stemed rose in the body. I can get started tonight and have FMIL select the rose color as she has time.
Just a thought, since you like the charity idea, they have wedding charity registries. My friends recently got married and they had a couple charities to choose from on their registry, one of which was veteran-support-related (but I can’t remember the name of the charity now).
I’m not sure if you can select any charity out there, or if they have a list of charities to choose from, but it’s something to look at.
You can’t talk to your invited guests about presents, but your future mother-in-law can. Don’t register. The family will call her. She can spread the word. You can pick a charity, or a veteran’s hospital, or whatever, but let her tell them.
A gift is given because someone LIKES you, it shouldn’t be an obligation, nor is it something you dictate. Though the physical gift comes wrapped with a string, gifts should not have strings attached to it.
Just say “No gifts expected,” and thank those who bring them anyway. Remember the idea behind a wedding is EVERYONE enjoys in your happiness.
If you don’t want to share this, which is your right, then get married at city hall, with two witnesses or elope.
Honestly? I love it when that happens. I get to write a check for something that is a cause that my friend suports. I get the tax write off and friend knows that he/she made a difference. I don’t have to spend hours shopping for something that will be returned.
Anyhow, that’s just me. This is a fromal wedding planned by kind and loving people who are part of a very different culture. I’ve been wondering about the favors for a while. FMIL thinks that homemade would be best and agrees with bookmarks.
I’ve already bought fully into the idea of asking for family photos. I didn’t cave, I fell in love with the idea. I called FMIL and she thinks its a wonderful idea as well. I can already see how I"m going to change the picture wall. TruCat’s post showed me what I really want.
Yes and yes and yes. We are doing the formal wedding thing because it will make his family happy. I honestly hadn’t thought about how FMIL would think about telling people that I didn’t want gifts until this thread. I didn’t think about her buying and/or making gifts for anyone else, and wanting to have her only child to be celebrated.
This thread is one of the many reasons I love the SDMB
