this one you probably all heard :
“life is a sexually transmitted disease” 
Got this from the boi:
“There is no human problem which could not be solved if people would simply do as I advise.” - Gore Vidal
Actor/comic Tim Allen first coined this phrase, but I admit to having used it for my own personal experiences:
“I’d rather pound my nuts flat with a wooden hammer than [insert activity here]”
How about:
A bird in the hand is not worth more than a hand in the bush.
A very Spanish saying!
How about these:
More annoying that fireants in your a$$.
Slower than I.V. line of honey.
His mother is a saint but he is a son of a bitch.
His idea is like a lighthouse in the desert, brilliant but useless.
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don’t know what your rights are, or who the person is you’re talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
- Jack Handey
“May the road rise before you”
– An Old Irish Saying
“As quick as a snot sliding down a hot rasher”
– A Not-So-Old Irish Saying
“If you’re ever required to eat a turd, it’s best not to nibble at it.”
“Forewarned is fore-armed; and four-armed is twenty-fingered.”
don’t know where this one comes from, but here goes:
- stupid people can’t insult me, and intelligent people never would
and along the lines of one bird in the hand:
- 1 bird in the hand is better than no hand.
and this on a bumper sticker:
- live long enough to be a nuisance to your children
“I’d rather drink turpentine and piss on a brushfire.”
Just remembered two more:
Old favorite,
“Yep, it’s colder than a witch’s tit out there.”
And,
“Fast? That car runs like a raped ape!”
I have no idea where my dad got that one.
“Did you know that the word ‘gullible’ is not in the dictionary?”
Dunno, picked it up on the SDMB, probably.
Oh, and straight from the Pit (by Larry Mudd):
“When someone poops on the linoleum, you can be sure that in short order it’ll be a lot cleaner than it was before.”
At least that one’s a proper saying.
Here are a few from my father (not the most PC person I know)
- Shivering like a dog shitting razor blades
- It’s raining so hard, it sounds like a cow pissing on a flat rock
- He’s driving like a raped ape
- Couldn’t hit a bulls ass with a bucket of rice at 2 yards
- Colder than a witches tit
- Blacker than a witches tit
Enjoy
MtM
Go play in the traffic.
Don’t let your mouth get your ass into something your feet can’t get you out of.
Don’t let your mouth write a check that your ass can’t cash.
Don’t just stand there with your teeth in your mouth and your elbow halfway up your arm - say something!
Forgive your enemies. They HATE that.
I’m not insane, I’m just misunderstood. Unless I misunderstood the meaning of “insane”. link
A friend of mine, after someone made a very bad pun: “You’re gonna smoke a turd in Hell for that.”
The learning curve has no guardrails.
Be alert. We need more lerts.
Basically, my wife was immature. I’d be at home in the bath and she’d come in and sink my boats.
Woody Allen
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend.
Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
er… sorry… Groucho Marx, I believe.