Hurting Myself Again (A Kinda Long And Quite Unhappy Thread)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I wrote this before I came online, but I thought I’d like to post it here, because you guys mean a lot to me. Thanks for reading this, and It’s just me. Oh, and my name IRL is Justus, so don’t have that confuse you when it says that and not Totoro.

It Hurts.

It’s beautiful. I love it. That feeling that you get about someone, when you feel so in love with them that they’re the reason to wake up, or get out of bed in the morning. To be someones fire, that would be wonderous.

I’ve never felt it.

As of now, the girl I like likes me back. I know, because it’s not only obvious but I’ve been told on numerous occasions. So why have I held back from asking her out? A little while ago, I couldn’t have told you. Now I know. She doesn’t like me.

No, no, she likes Justus. She just doesn’t like me. Justus is an idea, something to grasp onto. Me, on the other hand, she doesn’t like.

Her real fetish though is Hanson. She loves Hanson, and the Moffatts. It’s not a problem that she likes the bands, it’s just that… I don’t fit into her head. If there were a list of eight guys in her head, I would be in 8th place (if on it at all).

My last two girlfriends had somewhat of the same problem. Sarah H was never really my girlfriend, because she had a boyfriend, but I thought I loved her. She needed to leave to go back to germany and him at some point, and I accepted that. But it still hurt.

Sarah K found out while going out with me that she still loved her ex. She didn’t tell this to me until she had lied herself into a corner, and there was no other way out. The truth came one day with just a “I never loved you and I cheated on you with him.” It hurt. It hurt a lot.

For both of these girls, I could never reach more than 2nd place in their hearts, and each time, it killed. I felt unbearable pain from both of them. Why would I want to live it again? This time, at least four times worse? 2nd place to 8th place is a horrible jump, and I can’t take it.

To be someone’s fire would be the most wonderful thing on the earth. Right now, I have seven guys to compete for it, and I don’t know if I have the strength. And If I don’t have the strength for that, how am I going to have the strength to survive going through that pain again. I won’t, and it’ll kill me again.

So I’m scared, and I refrain from asking her out. How am I going to do this again, how do I do this without hurting me, or her, or anyone else? I don’t know. But I fucking like her dammit, and it scares me. I’m scared of love.

2

Lovey, I wish I had something helpful to tell you, but I don’t. I don’t even know the meaning of love. Well, just a little(parents, friends). Have never had a relationship, to tell you the truth. I have an infatuation with a guy from a band (and it is pretty bad) but if I ever found that special someone, the infatuation would end. There would be no ifs, ands or buts. I would be theirs. No one else would take their place. Okay, I lost my train of thought. So take this for all its worth.

3

I’m afraid to fall in love. Even more so, I’m afraid that someone will fall in love with me. As a result, I don’t do the typical “trying to meet guys” things. I don’t even really talk to guys that might be potential dates. The only guys I talk to are my brother’s friends, and I’m just one of them in their eyes. At least, I hope that’s all I am.

I will never be married. I will never know absolutely true, lifelong love. I will grow old alone. I will die alone. I know these things. These are the things that I have come to realize over the years, and I’m fine with them. People will tell me, “You’re young, you can’t possibly know this stuff”. Those people have NO IDEA. They are wrong and blind and way too optimistic for their own good.

I don’t “hate” men, as some people I know would guess. I’ve had a few really horrible experiences with a few really horrible male humans. But I’m not bitter and I’m not going to let the poor decisions of stupid people fuck it up for everyone else. I just can’t see myself having what it takes to be in a healthy, loving relationship. I can’t “make” anyone happy.

I think it might be because no one ever really KNOWS me until they’ve known me for a really long time. I hide myself. I don’t LIE about who I am or how I think, but sometimes it takes a while for me to make myself completely known to someone. I can only think of one person who knows EVERYTHING about me, and she’s dead. And she had to be my friend for a decade before she knew it all. Or it might be because I’m a complete, flaming bitch. I don’t really know what the problem is.

In any case, I’m single. I don’t imagine that I’ll ever be in any kind of “serious” relationship ever again, and that’s probably best for all involved (that being myself and any potential “serious” boyfriends).

In short, I know what you’re feeling (about being afraid). In your case, you have a chance to do something about it. In my case, I don’t have the heart to deal with the risks. Good luck with whatever you decide.

4

There’s a quote that I didn’t have down when I first posted it that I’d like to share. (And to silvy, big hugs, you know you rock in my eyes.)

I tell you how I feel but you don’t care
I say tell me the truth but you don’t dare
You say love is a hell you cannot bare
And I say gimme mine back and then go there for all I care.
-Fiona Apple “Sleep To Dream”

Thanks to all again. I love you guys.

5

Thanks, Tot. You’re not so bad yourself. I hope you’ll feel better soon, and that your decision with this person has the best possible outcome. I do believe that you are one of the good ones and you really deserve to be happy.

6

I’m probably going to get flamed for this, but you might have better luck with women if you acted like a man.

Don’t get me wrong–believe me, I understand the emotions you’re going through, but this Calvin Klein commercial crap needs to go.

Be respectful and loving, but don’t let your SO or anyone else walk all over you. You sound like your world is about to end, but in reality, it’s just a girl. You seem to mistake infatuation with love. Love is a mutual dependence on each other. What you’re doing is called dating. It doesn’t entail a lifelong commitment by either party. Most of the time it will not work out. That’s why you need a licesce to get married, but not to date. It’s admirable that you want to make a commitment, but not everyone else does. Go with the flow. Have fun. When the right person comes along you will both know it.

7

Turner, I know that you meant that in the best possible way(right?). True, dating does not require a license, but in my eyes it is a way of finding the right person. That is why it hurts so much when they don’t love you. It is breaking a bond that you had. It is not all fun and games. It is a serious commitment getting you ready for marriage.

And am I “just a girl”? If I am, then I will remember that you are just a boy (or whatever) who seems to not care what a persons feelings are worth. Sorry if that hurt you, but I guess I feel a little put off by your reply.

Silver Fire, I am afraid to meet anyone. I am extremely shy and when I do meet someone who I find attractive I never know what to say and have a knot in my stomach. Most guys also see me as friends, so I am just screwed. I also seem to be attracted to gay guys, so pooh.

8

Well, as I’ve found out the hard way, sometimes it really is best to give up on the whole idea of love and romance. Not everybody is destined to find it, and not everyone is willing to put up with the heartache finding it may entail.

'Course, I at least waited 'til I was in my late 30s to give up. I mean, jeez…

9

Have we met? Because you just described me to a tee right there. In my case, being a guy, it’s even worse because when I see a girl that I find attractive, I’m expected to approach her and start a conversation. Do you realize how impossible that is given how terrified I am of … well I don’t know exactly what I’m terrified of. At the University I go to, I see beautiful girls every day, yet I can never talk to any of them. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to say? “I think you’re hot, wanna go out?” How lame is that? And when I do manage to talk to one, I usually end up in the “friend zone” also. I guess I’m destined to be alone as well.

By the way, “acting like a man” is easier said than done I’m afraid, turner. And it’s easier for some guys than for others. Besides, some of the stuff that some guys do under the heading “acting like a man” I find reprehensible. But, that’s neither here nor there. By the way, I’m not directing this at you, turner, or your post for that matter. I just don’t care very much for the whole “act like a man” bullshit.

10

dlgirl,

I knew that was going to be a response from someone–“just a girl”–you’re looking for offense and not seeing the point. What I meant was get over it and get on with your life–it’s really too short to allow yourself to wallow in self pity.

Yeah, dating is a way to find the right “person” (don’t want to offend again), but a)it’s probably not going to be the first, second or even third person you date (BTW, I married my third girlfriend), and b)wearing your heart on your sleeve and declaring your undying love to someone, while it may be sincere, could put some people off and isn’t all that good for your emotional state or your self esteem.

AIRBECK

Acting like a man doesn’t equate with acting like a pig. Acting like a man is having inner strength (the part I was alluding to in my previous post) being accountable for you actions, and being honorable. Acting like a man isn’t machismo. It is not bullshit.

11

Well, that definition of “acting like a man” is a good one. The only problem is that many people don’t use that definition. “acting like a man” in the sense that you described is not the “acting like a man” that I was referring to.

Like I said, my response was not directed at you or your post, it’s just that the phrase “act like a man” brings out all it’s negative connotations to me, that’s all.

12

And that’s too bad–really. The immediate jump to that phrase meaning be a pig points to problems in the way we raise our boys in this country and tthe low expectations women have. I guarantee, if women didn’t put up with the crap men dish out, being a man wouldn’t be offensive nor would it be a label someone would be embarassed to wear. Do men a favor and keep your standards high

13

Turner, smoke my balls, eat my cock, and you may be right. I actually see what you’re saying, you just really didn’t know how to put that in any decent way. And I’ve never seen one of my threads take such an odd turn.

Either way, I bit the the bullet, and I decided I liked her too much to let this go. Christ, what am I worried about, fucking Hanson? My friend who lived with me for a while (you may remember about my friend living with me after he attempted suicide) put a lot of it into perspective. I won’t go into detail, but at the end, it came down to “do I like her?” And the answer will not surprise many. Or, it shouldn’t, because I asked her out, and she said yes, not 3 hours ago.

::happy jig::

Anyways guys, thanks for listening to my rant. And I know I’m a fucking drama queen, you can eat it, monkey stuffer.

14

I should probably point out that my last comment was not directed at anyone in particular. It was just a general fuck you to the world.