Husbands - 2, Me - 0; or I'm getting divorced. Again.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

After everything that’s been said and done and forgiven, he left me last night. My parents had the kids this weekend. It was supposed to be a good weekend. Friday night while I was in MS he won a Harley at the bowling alley bike night. I got mad on Saturday when a couple people told me that he had promised that if he won that he was going to give his bike to his best friend Jennifer. My bike. To another girl. That I didn’t know was his best friend.

I tried very calmly to say “I am upset with you.” And I did stay calm, but he got defensive. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with him hanging out with Jennifer. In fact, I had asked him on Friday if he was with her and he said no. I brought that up. He said that no, he did not go with her and only hung out with her for the 2 or 3 hours he was at the bowling alley so that didn’t count as “being with her” – I said he was splitting hairs and using technicalities and grammar to avoid what he knew I was asking. I also said that I didn’t think something was going on with them, but if he was lying to me about it that I thought something might. I told him I thought it was disrespectful on a whole new level to joke about giving her my bike. And then to lie to me about seeing her. This was all on Saturday night.

On Sunday morning he got up and went to help his brother move. Then he stayed gone all day. I tried to text him and ask when he would be home. He replied “later” – I said no, when. He replied “goddammit what did I tell you. I said later” – and that night he came home after it took him two hours to make a 20 minute trip. I called to see where he was and I “just happened” to catch him as he stopped for gas and would be home soon.

He got home and spent some time with the kids. He said after they were in bed we needed to talk. I said “is it her?” and he said “no. but I am leaving for good.” He said he couldn’t take living with someone that didn’t trust him. That there was a divide between us that was never going to close. He said that he loved me, but that being with me is having a leash on him and it gets tighter every day and I’m choking him. That I was never going to be who he wanted me to be and that he was never going to be able to make me happy. He said it didn’t have anything to do with love, because he’s never stopped loving me. But that when he cheated on me back in February that he burned a bridge that’s never going to be fixed.

I said that my part in this was ever letting him think I would really get over it. And then I smiled and said “this is not the part where I cry and beg you to stay. Just don’t ever forget – you walked out. I don’t disagree that our problems are bad, but my solution would not be to walk out. That’s just typical you. Enjoy your freedom.”

I would like to say that I was strong and didn’t cry at all, but that would be a lie. I wish I hadn’t let him see me break down. But I just never thought it would hurt this bad. I thought that if I forgave enough sins and loved him enough that he would love me enough too. He hugged me and said that he still loved me, that we just can’t live together. That it was better this way for everyone. I told him that was the problem – that I just don’t believe that anymore. Love isn’t supposed to feel like this. And to please not touch me because when he does I want to grab him and not let go.

Of course we both said some nasty words to each other before it was all said and done, but nothing too bad. We talked about money. He tried to take my phone and call my friend Dee to come over. Then he said “call your parents. They’ll help you.” Then “don’t forget you’ve got two little boys in there. You better straighten up and not let them see you like that. Are you going to be OK?” I said no, that there was nothing about me that was ok, or ever would be again. And I stared at the wall so I wouldn’t have to look at him. He walked out and started the bike. He opened the door two or three times and looked at me before he closed it for the last time.

Five years ago this November, my first husband walked out. I hate the coming of the cold weather – it brings pain.

2

I’m…speechless. I’m so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing. :frowning:

3

I am sorry you are going through a rough time. It may be a long road ahead but in time it may seem that it is really for the best.

Take care of yourself and your children.

{{{{ShelliBean}}}}

4

Aw man, that’s horrible. I’m so sorry. :frowning:

{{{{ShelliBean}}}}

5

Sorry to hear that ShelliBean. Nothing we can say will ease the pain, and as hard as it is to believe that, it will be better soon.

Take care of yourself. Call a friend to come over. Don’t go through this alone.

6

I left my ex-girlfriend for similar reasons, although I never cheated. Some men are just too independendent for a real relationship and too stupid to know it (raises hand.)

Vent all you want. It helps.

7

I am sorry to hear your news. Good luck in your new life.

Sending supporting thoughts your way.

8

I’m sorry you are in pain and hope everything works out. I know it is tough not to trust a person fully but still love them, and I know how it hurts to know your lack of trust hurts them. (if that makes much sense).

9

Hi. I mostly lurk, but, I just have to come in here and say I feel your pain. And my most selfish part of me feeling that pain says “I didn’t dance in muddy shoes all over our relationship, I was there with the duct tape and crazy glue for a long time, and I shouldn’t have to work at it anymore.*” At some points you want to hand him the duct tape and crazy glue and say “Here, you broke it, you fix it.” Email me to vent further if you want to. Go get some toddler hugs, they are the best kind.
*(geez what a mixed metaphor that is)

10

You have the score wrong. They’re the losers, so they get no points. I know, it doesn’t help much now, but later, when you can use it, it’ll mean more.

11

Shelli, I’m sorry for your loss, and I know it hurts. {{{Hugs}}}

12

So sorry, Shelli. I can’t imagine the pain you must feel.

13

{{{big Hug}}}

14

Good luck, girl. We’re here for you.

15

I fixed your scoreboard: idiot exes - 0, you - 2. snugs tight and passes a cup of hot cocoa

16

{{{{{Shelli}}}}}

I’ve been there. Hell, I’m still there.

17

Thanks for all the hugs and sympathy, y’all. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to put all this out there, but I figured might as well. I do feel better getting it out. If you want a little backstory there is the thread I started about theaffair . I went back and read it today.

I said a lot of stuff in that thread about not wanting to become the person that blames him and eventually lets it go. Maybe I can’t, but I don’t think he was helping any. When I had finally forgiven him he assumed it was never to be brought up again, even in the context of my saying “I need you to realize that this coming month <November would have been the other woman’s due date> will be hard for me. I need you to be prepared.”

I don’t know if I can take this. We’re like this couple that are no good for each other and can’t stay away. I don’t know how to explain it - it’s like we love each other so much, that if we tried we would probably love each other right into an early grave. Everything is very passionate and hot tempered, whether it’s sex or a fight. The lows were so so low, but the highs were so so high.

God this is painful. I haven’t told my parents yet. It’s really embarrassing. I’m going through husbands the way some people go through cars.

18

At first, when I read the OP, I was thinking, “Well, we only have one point of view; maybe it is an issue of a controlling wife who doesn’t give her husband the trust he needs and deserves.” Then I read the above linked thread wherein hubby gets drunk and knocks someone up (which I had read about when you first posted it, but didn’t remember that it was yours. Then I thought, “This guy doesn’t deserve the trust he is complaining about not getting.” You’re doing the right thing, ShelliBean. But I don’t think anyone has the score right yet. It’s exes 0, **ShelliBean ** 0. :frowning:

19

That’s horrible, and I wish you all the best. But I have to say that he’s being a coward. He’s demanding the trust that should rightfully take years to gain back, and not getting it, he’s running away. It has nothing to do with you at all, it’s all him. You’ve done the best you can with what you have and never gave up, he did. Don’t let yourself fall down for his shortcomings.

20

I’m so sorry.

I agree, he’s being a coward. But that doesn’t make it any less painful for you.