After everything that’s been said and done and forgiven, he left me last night. My parents had the kids this weekend. It was supposed to be a good weekend. Friday night while I was in MS he won a Harley at the bowling alley bike night. I got mad on Saturday when a couple people told me that he had promised that if he won that he was going to give his bike to his best friend Jennifer. My bike. To another girl. That I didn’t know was his best friend.
I tried very calmly to say “I am upset with you.” And I did stay calm, but he got defensive. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with him hanging out with Jennifer. In fact, I had asked him on Friday if he was with her and he said no. I brought that up. He said that no, he did not go with her and only hung out with her for the 2 or 3 hours he was at the bowling alley so that didn’t count as “being with her” – I said he was splitting hairs and using technicalities and grammar to avoid what he knew I was asking. I also said that I didn’t think something was going on with them, but if he was lying to me about it that I thought something might. I told him I thought it was disrespectful on a whole new level to joke about giving her my bike. And then to lie to me about seeing her. This was all on Saturday night.
On Sunday morning he got up and went to help his brother move. Then he stayed gone all day. I tried to text him and ask when he would be home. He replied “later” – I said no, when. He replied “goddammit what did I tell you. I said later” – and that night he came home after it took him two hours to make a 20 minute trip. I called to see where he was and I “just happened” to catch him as he stopped for gas and would be home soon.
He got home and spent some time with the kids. He said after they were in bed we needed to talk. I said “is it her?” and he said “no. but I am leaving for good.” He said he couldn’t take living with someone that didn’t trust him. That there was a divide between us that was never going to close. He said that he loved me, but that being with me is having a leash on him and it gets tighter every day and I’m choking him. That I was never going to be who he wanted me to be and that he was never going to be able to make me happy. He said it didn’t have anything to do with love, because he’s never stopped loving me. But that when he cheated on me back in February that he burned a bridge that’s never going to be fixed.
I said that my part in this was ever letting him think I would really get over it. And then I smiled and said “this is not the part where I cry and beg you to stay. Just don’t ever forget – you walked out. I don’t disagree that our problems are bad, but my solution would not be to walk out. That’s just typical you. Enjoy your freedom.”
I would like to say that I was strong and didn’t cry at all, but that would be a lie. I wish I hadn’t let him see me break down. But I just never thought it would hurt this bad. I thought that if I forgave enough sins and loved him enough that he would love me enough too. He hugged me and said that he still loved me, that we just can’t live together. That it was better this way for everyone. I told him that was the problem – that I just don’t believe that anymore. Love isn’t supposed to feel like this. And to please not touch me because when he does I want to grab him and not let go.
Of course we both said some nasty words to each other before it was all said and done, but nothing too bad. We talked about money. He tried to take my phone and call my friend Dee to come over. Then he said “call your parents. They’ll help you.” Then “don’t forget you’ve got two little boys in there. You better straighten up and not let them see you like that. Are you going to be OK?” I said no, that there was nothing about me that was ok, or ever would be again. And I stared at the wall so I wouldn’t have to look at him. He walked out and started the bike. He opened the door two or three times and looked at me before he closed it for the last time.
Five years ago this November, my first husband walked out. I hate the coming of the cold weather – it brings pain.