The Ministry of Parties may not have any nuclear weapons [sub]that it’s disclosing, anyways[/sub] but it does have a considerable tactical advantage: it controls the phone system.
Mess with us and you’ll get telemarketers calling until doomsday. Play nice and get flat-rate calling to world destinations of your choice. 
And of course our Early Childhood Education Centres instil the proper loyalty in the new generation, while our Cordon Bleu chefs defuse tension at the dining table…
I would be ideally well suited for a permanent job insuring that the sun both rises and sets Every Single Day at certain regular times. I could possibly even publish a schedule if given enough time.
Someone else should be in charge of clouds, though.
As Chief Justice of the High Court of Show Trials, I have ruled that all government officials shall have legal immunity. After all, it wouldn’t do to have no government after the first couple of weeks.
That said, if you commit a particularly amusing or funny crime – say, stuffing heroin-laced fudge down your pants – you may end up in a show trial anyway. You’ll be found innocent, of course, but the resulting entertainment is too good to not do it. Think of it as dinner theatre.
Oh, I forgot: I’ll need some high-quality digital video cameras and some bandwidth set aside for running a TV station. No point hauling people up for show trials if they can’t be publicized, you know.
And auditions for Head Prosecutor will begin next week. Being able to do improv comedy is a plus, as is any experience in absurdist theatre. Auditions will be held as mock trials at the High Courtroom. Have a monologue and a song and dance number ready.
I’ve been thinking today, and possibly on some kind of substance, but I feel that our nation would be best served by a program that will modify our entire monkey army into the new and improved Headless Zombie Monkeys.
Being a good math student, I offer the following proof:
Monkey + TV camera = Angry monkey
Clown + chainsaw = Headless clown
Corpse + Worchester sauce = Zombie
Now, class, combine them.
Angry Monkey + Headless clown + zombie - clown = Headless zombie monkeys.
I will submit an offical memorandum in the morning regarding this proposal.
Do I get to keep the fudge?
What about a production number? Can I draft the entire population of the courtroom if I want to do “To War! To War! To War we’re going to go!”?
In other news, People’s of Mango Republic, I’ve been told by guy with a Russian accent that the missles will arrive next week. As part of my PR campaign to make the populace feel the **Glorious People’s Air Force ** is there for them and not just to blackmail the UN, I am instituting the following. To give each missle some personality, Each missle will be inscribed with a message up to 35 characters in length. Each senior government offical of our Mangoey nation(I believe that’s everyone here) is encouraged to submit 2 messages. The best ones(or all of them if I get less then 15) will be spraypainted on the missles prior to deployment.
Our fearless leader, SuperDuperMan, gets to submit three, but I have full control over the selection and editoral process for all submissions, no matter who submits them, and I will not play favorites(though suitable bribes may convince me otherwise). I like Fudge, Toquitos, Money and 3.14159…
Profanity may or may not be allowed, depending on the message.
My authority to do this comes under Article 15, Section 3, Clause 6 of our charter/constitution/napkin I found at the bar last night and was scribbing on. It says “The minister of the Glorious People’s Air Force shall have have full control over what is written on his missles”.
The winners will be posted once I have come to a decision.
I don’t really care as long as you stay away from all nukes owned by the Glorious People’s Air Force.
Sure! I can’t eat all of it…
Unfortunately, that’s not possible as of yet – we’re still working on the Musical Inducers in the peanut gallery, as well as the Dancing Transducer Matrix. But once those are finished, I see no problem with it. The Attractive Paralegal Squad could use some time to work on choreography, though, so let’s schedule a rehearsal before the devices are complete.
As Chief Orator of Scientific Quackery I must object to this wasteful spending of government resources. Clearly the funds needed for such a musical production would be far better spent on the latest flux capacitor research!
What, you have non-mock trials too? 
Anyway, if our beloved Grand Supreme Minister, Ruler, Super Dude, and Taste Tester of Mangonia would allow me some time I have to cosult him over a minor financial difficulty we are having at the Ministry of Squandering, seems that there´s a little deficit of a few mumble-grumbleillion Mangonian dollars, we´d appreciate if you could provide a suplemental budget boost to balance our numbers.
Of course the standard 15% Basic Reward Income Bonus Expenditure applies here wink-wink
YO-HO!
I’ve got th’ “little problem” all fixed, & I’m off for booty!
Thars a Japanese container ship 400 miles NorNorEast o hyar, & it be looooaded down wi’ valuables!
Hello Kitty merchandise is valuable, ain’t it?
Greetings again to the glorious peoples of Mangonia. Sorry to not have an update for so long, but I am still on dial-up and our phone lines were cut by the landsacpers in the neighborhood. Some news for yall.; I have created a new law where anyone caught accidentally or purposely cutting phone, cable, or various other media acess line will be tossed in the Flaming Pit of Poisioned Sharp Stuff Covered Sharks with Friggen Laser Beams Attached to their Heads.(Patent Pending)
Also, to the repsected Minister of Quackery, everyone knows you can make a flux capacitor with some rubber bands, a wild turkey, some AOL cd’s you get in the mail (They also work as a mirror.), and a couple bottle caps. They should be in the Cabinet of Ministers, behind the Kaluha.
I got my 3,
1.You’re about to look like Courtney Love.
(To scare the enemy)
2.Muhahahahaha
(We have the hollowed out volcano, why not go all the way?)
3.I like eggs.
(I’m out of ideas and hungry.)
Also, good news, I’ve just made it illegal to bring a DVD of any movie that has “Starring Ben Afflek” on the cover. Someone has to draw the line somewhere.
“BEN AFFLEK?!?!” :eek:
RAMMING SPEED, MR. OPUS!!
What about “Dogma”?
Messages noted, El Presidente(Sorry, I keept forgetting your title).
Please excuse my forgetfulness for not adding this. All of his movies and Jursey Girl, but the other Kevin Smith movies are ok. Almost made me loose my Jay & Silent Bob
The Ministry of Parties has of course supplied the requisite Telemarketer-Audio-Surround-Sound Helmets to give the culprits the Full Sobbing Experience of Regret Too Late while they are transferred to the Flaming Pit.
We have also taken care of the minions who attempted to sabotage the Glorious Mangonian Phone System by duping service crews into cutting the cables.
In other news…
Re: Nuclear Grafitti:
Our humble Minister submits the following funny yet heartwarming entries for the Glorious Peoples’ Air Force missile-grafitti contest:
Party like it’s 1999, suckers!
(The party’s over, dudes…)
Ambiguity Sucks.
(Especially in politics. Which is why we’re simplifying things for you.)
Re: Subway News:
Alert riders will have noticed a change on the East-West Line, right near the Station Next To That Little Pool Where We Found The Wrecked Boat Named “The Minnow”. Several central tunnel supports have been replaced by individuals performing Involuntary Restitutive Service. Wave hello and give them a big smile, folks!
Ah, OK, here are my three warhead grafitti:
1 Smile! it´s your last chance
2 Mayor Kong was here
3 If you can read this message this thermonuclear device has not functioned correctly, please send it back to us for manteinance to the adress written on the bottom of the MIRV.
N.B: before mailing the warhead please wrap it with tinfoil to avoid setting up the radiation alarms at the post office, thank you
Greetings, loyal test subj…er… citizens of Mangonia. Some news for ya.
Some official stats for ya.
The Official:
Network Tv Channel- FOX
Cable Tv- Comedy Central
Arcade Game- Area 51
Classic Arcade Game- Space Invaders
Soda- Coke
Sport- Basketball
Saying- “Whatever it was, I didn’t do it.”
Pet- MonkeyDog (Thanks to the Ministry of Quackery for this breakthrough.)
Capital- New New Southern Mangonia City
Candy- Gummy Worms/Bears/SUV’s
Drink- Whatever’s the closest
With that said, I’m going to the secret undisclosed location to do my secret undisclosed duties. Don’t tell anyone, though… It’s kindov a secret.
Actually, only our leader is allowed to have three. Everyone else,(including myself) gets two. Also the #3 is too long, but it’s so cool I’m waiving the length requirement in that case and in any case in which the messager is particulary witty or amusing.
All hail the glorious Grand Supreme Minister, Ruler, Super Dude, and Taste Tester of Mangonia!
Telecom news update
Preparations for the new area code are going along well. Igor and his crew of Headless Zombie Monkey Butlers have installed enough extra coconuts to capture the ten additional digits which basic-rate subscribers will need to dial. (Shorter phone numbers are available for a modest extra fee.)
Remember, when dialing outside the metropolitan New New Southern Mangonia City area, dial your assigned trunk access code, then all twelve digits, then press the shell key!
–meanwhile–
Memo
To: Ministry of Piracy
From: Ministry of Parties
Re: Drinks
Hey, can we get some &??#$% Pepsi here?!