Signs off on that memo, not because he has to, but because he likes Pepsi better then Coke.
And if you could capture some 3.14159, I’d appreciate that as well. Those missle crews (Joe Bob and little Joe) are getting hungry.
We, the glorious people of Mangonia, have been in existance for about 3 weeks, and so as dictated by the laws of Western Civilization, must go to war. The catch is, we have no clue who we should fight. We were thinking Canada, but then realized that a bunch of drunk Hockey Stick-Toteing beavers trumps an army of Zombie monkeys. (Unless they have an Ace-King in the hole). Then we were loking at Iraq, until we turned on CNN. So here come’s your part. We need suggestions. Just give us a country and reason, and our Moscow connection will have our “Experimental Graffiti Covered Kites” bringing our message of peace (and a bigass piece of Deuritium to boot). Peace out, so to speak.
Really bad Russian Accent on
Great Comrade preimier! I am so glad you call upon us for this service! Our enemies will cry out for their mommies as our great mangonian army crushes their pitiful decadent capitalist peashooters! We will bury them! For your amusement, then, I submit list of glorius future achievements for our great mangioan empire! I hope you find it satifactory
Really bad Russian Accent off
(Damn, that vodka has quite a kick)
France: Why, you may ask? Three reasons:
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They have a reputation for being Snooty, or at least their waiters do.
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If we won the war, we could easily take over Euro-disneyland and have it all to ourselves.
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We can actually beat them! All we have to do is make them think that we are German. To accomplish this, I propose our troops wear lederhosen, talk like Arnuuuuuld, and get really, really drunk on German Lager.
However, that might be too much for a first war, so here’s my suggestions for alternates.
San Marcos:
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Woody Allen is their leader. The moment we set foot on their soil, he’ll have a nervous breakdown and we’ll win.
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They have bananas. We need that for our zombie monkey armies. Or for Banana pancakes.
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They have no army, just a bunch of guys who like to run around in the countryside with rifles every so often.
Or
Freedonia:
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Our Great leader was insulted by their leader, Rufus T. Firefly. In fact, he slapped him. It’s an insult, so we must go to war!
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Freedonia has no army, just a professional milita. They are also heavily in debt, and pay their bills by bilking rich old ladies out of their money. Most of their equipment is from the 1930’s. Military communication is made collect.
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Their leadership is very poor. Their leader constantly shoots his own men in fits of rage and then bribes his advisors to not tell anyone. Their secreatry of war has no loyalty and constantly switches sides. And their recruitment strategy is merely laughable.
Let’s take it to the next step and take em all out.
Something tells me we could convince Bush to invade France with us pretty simple.
San Marcos is a done deal, we just told Woddy Allen there was a boat-load of young girls that needed a “father figure” coming and he had a heart attack.
And Freedonia was snap. We did have to use our new bio weapon unfortunately, The Essence of a Sweaty Foreigner’s Fart(C).
Wait, I’m getting some breaking news; It turns out our plans for Franch worked. We just told them we would burn down Eurodisney, and the French citizens revolted (are revolting?) and gave us the keys to Paris. Just goes to show you noone that eats snails on a regular basis wants to see a giant mouse.
Now that those wars are out of the way, we have to get drunk and start more wars.(Don’t look at me, it’s a union rule.) Anyway, keep the suggestions coming.
No Pepsi, nor other girly-boy slop.
RUM!
YO-HO-HO!
Greetings, o Various Beings of our fine Mangonia.
I’m back from stealing the PopeMobile. Hey, I gotta be shown to my subjects somehow.
Some new rules to make things a little easier:
If your child is screaming and public and you will not hit them, we can hit them.
To fix mislabeling, MTV will be changed to Everything Except M- TV.
Because I felt like it is now a valid legal defense.
Fat guys will be shot if found owning a Speedo.
Cars that have a bumpersticker with World Greatest or I Heart on them will be dumped in the ocean.
Drunk in public is a right and a responsibility.
Nap time is 4:30 every afternoon, enjoy.
Thats about all the new rules. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go practice my evil laughs.
I, in my infinate wisdom, have some up with some more new rules:
1.You will be arrested if the rims on your car cost more than the car itself.
2.If you decide to buy a gun, it has to be as loud and scary-looking as you can afford.
3.Anyone caught using a cellphone in a theater, resturant, etc. will be strapped on the back of one of our missiles.
4.Anyone found being Snooty in Public will be sent to France, or as snooty people call it, “Home”.
5.You can sue a tree for crashing into you.
Well gang, that’s it for now. Just remember, polar bears are people, too.
Commentary on #2: Does that mean stores on the island will sell BFG9000’s and Fecalators(named as such because they cause the target to take one look and crap their pants)?
Commentary on #3: I think I’m going to need some more missles. Can’t we just horribly murder them if they refuse to comply after the first verbal warning?
On #2, I was think more along the lines of the Turdinator 8000. They call it that because you crap yourself with relief after they aim it away from you.
And for #3, we should probably just send them to our “happy camps”.
*Eat Snacky Smores. *
Snacky Smores are made of people!!!
Other late breaking news:
A giant chunk of gold has just landed in downtown New New Southern Mangonia City, after falling from the sky.(We’re guessing its part of Bill Gates’s plane, but that’s just the working theory.) The gold was so hot it had melted, and has since solidified on the street. In a related story, New New Southern Mangonia City has a new ad campeign “New New Southern Mangonia City, the streets are paved with gold!”
Attention all Ministers, Secretary and upper level mangonains:
Several days ago I requestef messages to be put on the missles. I have gotten a small amount of attention, but several spots on the missles are still vacent.
Remember, Each person may submit two messages. The best ones(or all of them if I get less then 15) will be spraypainted on the missles prior to deployment.
Our fearless leader, SuperDuperMan, gets to submit three, but I have full control over the selection and editoral process for all submissions, no matter who submits them, and I will not play favorites(though suitable bribes may convince me otherwise). I like Fudge, Toquitos, Money and 3.14159…
Profanity may or may not be allowed, depending on the message.
My authority to do this comes under Article 15, Section 3, Clause 6 of our charter/constitution/napkin I found at the bar last night and was scribbing on. It says “The minister of the Glorious People’s Air Force shall have have full control over what is written on his missles”.
The winners will be posted in one week. Make it count, people.
Greetings, Great Mangonians.
Our profit’s from tricking these fools into thinking they are citizens of a …!!! Sorry, wrong speach. Moving right along, I have finally decided to answer some of those old questions.
Yes
No
Maybe
Purple
Richard Nixon
Black and White
Trick question, the answer is meat.
That said, I have decided to create a new job because my life is pretty much staying up from 4PM to 10AM, so I therefore have nothing better to do.The job shall be the Official Big Scary Guy in the Corner That Punches People that Stare at the Grand Whatever my Title is. First one to sign up get some Brass Imitation Lead Knuckles.
I know a guy named Luca Brasi who would be perfect for the position. Big, tough, though a little dumb. I believe he’s unhappy with his former employers and wishes new employment.
Did you get that from the book or the movie?
Personally, I thought the book was better.
Well, I just rewatched the movie a few days ago, though Luca was a bit scarier in the book.
It’s hard to say. The book goes into a bit more depth and has the storyline for half the 2nd movie as well. They also had the scene where the tratiorous bodyguard gets whacked, that somewhat managed to make it into none of the films. However, the book loses points for the whole Johnny Fontaine section that doesn’t really go anywhere and for the fact the ending montage of the movie during the baptism scene worked so well.
And it’s been a couple years since I’ve read the book, too.
I just read another Mari Puzo book recently, The Family. It’s about the Pope from the 1500’s family. Lets just say if the was Jerry Springer back then in Italy, he would have a recurring family. Not a bad book, though.
I’ve seen it but haven’t read it. The only other Puzo books I’ve read thus far is “Omerta”(It was okay, but I have no desire to read it again) and “The Sicilian”(kind of a spinoff from the Godfather, but I rather enjoyed it).
Final Greetings, glorious [Subliminal]Mutant Monkey[/Subliminal] People of Mangonia. FInal greetings because, do to circumstances beyond our control, I have made a couple of major league fuc…err, agreavous errors in fiscal responsibility. As such, I am forced to retire to my South Pacific Island a couple thousand yards from our great country. As such, I leave in power my estemmed Minister of the People’s Glorious Airforce, HPL.
Inclosing, a few words of wisdom:
“I didn’t do it,” is. the. most. useful. phrase. ever.
And a poem (Making this up as I go, Might not work, but what the hell):
Once upon a midnight dreary,
I noticed I am out of Beer-eee!!
I know tonight will be a bore,
Because I am very poor.
As I see my pet bird Maven,
Not a parrot, but a Bigass Raven.
I have no parrot, cuz I’m poor,
Quaffed the Raven," Become a man-whore."
This likely my last adress to you good people, so good bye and MUHAHAHAHAHA
As the new Leader of the Magonian republic, I thank “Superduperman” for this wise and concietius decision in investing me with this position of honor and a really good oppurtunity to raid the pension fund. As such, I am issuing the following orders, to be carried out immediatly.
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Formost, I am giving myself a rather large pay raise, to be taken out of the slush fund. The minister of squadering will be placed in charge of this project.
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I wish that a 10 foot tall statue of our previous leader be erected, to be made of Stone.
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For various reasons(primarily to avert the impending Coup), I am immediatly calling for an election. Anyone who wants to volunteer to run should speak up as soon as possible. I will step down the moment the election is complete and resume my position uninterrupted.
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Sunday is now **Free Ice Cream ** day. This will be enforced eveywhere in Magonia.