My wife and I had been having a very tense time the the last 6 months.
I wonlt get into specifics as to the reasons why. But 6 months ago, I said some things to her in an argument. What I said was true, but I wasn’t in a good place and said them hurtfully. I apologized, but she wasn’t able to forgive me. I have felt unwelcome in my home ever since. We finally had the talk a couple of weeks ago. She said she wanted to separate. I felt like this was prolonging the inevitable and said so.
What’s wierd is that as soon as this was out in the open, things were much less tense. It was like a weight had lifted. We were much more relaxed.
I am doing OK. I’m sad, but it’s OK.
I am talking to my sponsor a lot, I’m going to more N. A. Meetings. I’m reaching out to family and friends. My wife and I have talked about this and both feel like later we can be close friends again. This is a lot different than breakups I have had in the past. Before, there would be rage, depression and obsession. Lies would be told far and wide. Furniture would be thrown. Eventually, one of us would have to leave town. This feels grown up.
On one hand, it’s always sad when a marriage ends- that loss of the dreams of the future you’d hoped to have. On the other hand, sounds like you’re at peace with it, and here’s hoping it remains so. Do you have children? If not, good. If so, that makes it doubly sad.
I’m sorry to hear about this; don’t let it break your resolve and, please, continue going to the meetings.
That said, no matter how amicable your separation might be, please don’t hesitate to hire an attorney to look after your interests; don’t let any feelings of guilt override your own protection. Spoken as a recovering addict and a victim of a horrendous divorce in which I didn’t defend myself.
Took the words right out of my … well, keyboard, I guess. And I’ve been married for a while, too. Times have changed, personal relationships have become a lot trickier; nothing is the same. Sanctity doesn’t seem to come into it anymore, and that’s perhaps a good thing. If two people are miserable being married, where’s the righteousness in that? Especially if there’s the chance that they might, at least, end up as friends?
I know the feeling. Once it was all out in the open, I actually felt better. There are days that I feel like I’m going crazy, but overall I feel good about it. I’m moving forward, and know I’m doing the right thing.
As a survivor of a wife-becomes-good-friend type of split of over a year, let me say that we’re a lot closer now than we’d been for years before. We both agreed that it was the only possible way to go, and that it was in everyone’s interests do divorce amicably. Well, everyone’s interests except the lawyers’, that is - they love what major conflict does to their wallets. Well, sod them and their wallets.
So, other than for the final paperwork, we’re not going to use lawyers. We can’t afford them. Much cheaper to come to an amicable agreement about access to kids, distribution of material goods, property, etc. Neither of us is in any kind of rush to find anyone else, so we’re content to sit out the non-cohabitation period for a no-blame divorce.
And it’s working pretty well. We’re as happy as can be expected. I hope the same goes for you, and yours, spooje.
Sorry to hear that. Hopefully the friendship will come sooner than you think, and without any hurt. Nothing to do now but hunker down and get busy moving on.
Well, Barrington, you know the old joke…why does divorce cost so much? Because it’s worth it!
Good luck to you, spooje, and all the others who are going through divorce. It’s a nasty thing, but your life is likely to improve tremendously once you’ve gotten through it.
You’re getting divorced over saying some hurtful things? Does this really feel right to you? It sounds like a sledgehammer to kill a fly response to me. If you have irreconcilable differences, I support your decision to end something that has no future, but it sounds like you and your wife are taking a laissez faire attitude towards something that I think is an extremely serious decision. As for being friends later, why can’t you be friends now and work on your issues?
Sounds like the hurtful things were a symptom of a much greater rift. If it didn’t feel right, they wouldn’t feel better with moving on with a divorce.
My MIL spent 27 painful years with FIL before getting a divorce. BOTH of them are happier for it. Shoulda happened YEARS ago, with fewer lawyers.
I’ve noticed MANY of the things in the past dealt with guilt, angst, and suffering. What good is it to stay in a relationship that makes both parties miserable? What’s the ‘higher reasoning’ for that? Is it admirable staying together if you no longer love each other? If there’s abuse? If there’s nothing keeping you together?
I’m all for a life long relationship, it’s something My wife and I are trying our damndest to do, but if it’s not working, why stay miserable?
Marriage used to be a sanctified, life-long commitment…we used to burn witches too.
In my experience, I think you two should go to counseling together to see if this is what you really want and what is good for you both. It seems right now that you feel better because you have nothing to work at and feel free.
I am certainly not saying to stay in a bad marriage. I do know that counseling does help to clear the air if nothing else. It allows you to either decide to work on things or leave the marriage knowing that you did everything in your power to save it.
I am so sorry. Divorce is very painful. I hope it works out so each of you find happiness one way or another.
Featherlou, I agree with UB. The real issue here is the bales of straw that spooje didn’t want to get into, although he did describe the straw that did the camel in. Separation for 6 months to a year might be a solution to see if divorce is an actuality. Being in separate living quarters can give a great deal of perspective on whether or not the marriage is salvageable.
Regardless of what stage you are in a marriage this is a great link…smartmarriages.com
If you are contemplating counseling, I do recommend this article and the follow-up.
If it really is going to be amicable and you will only use a lawyer for the MSA (separation agreement), get this book. It makes the whole thing easy.
My ex is a great friend now and I found love again with someone new a year and a half later. It sounds to me like both of you will be better off after all is said and done.