I have always been a little different(to say the least huh). So I really don’t want to have a boring funeral like everybody else has. I mean it is depressing enough that somebody died then people go and wear black and have boring depressing music too.
So unless I am really disfigured(from a bad wreck or something you know my “wild” driving record), I want the morgue dudes to put me in a cool looking suit and put a big like smile on my face. Then I want them too arrange my hand like a gun so when people lean over and look I’ll be saying “Gotcha Ya”.
I don’t think anybody will ever forget that wake do you? I am really going to do this I am going to put it in my last instructions. And if my family doesn’t do this, I am going to come back and haunt their butts!
I wouldn’t recommend having them make you say “Gotcha ya.” I don’t think it will result in the reaction you want.
Bill’s corpse: “Gotcha ya!”
Bill’s widow: “WHAT did he say?”
Friend of Bill: “I think he said ‘Gotcha ya!’”
Other FOB: “Why the hell would he say that? You think he meant ‘Gotcha?’”
Bill’s widow: “Hmm. I will have to talk to the funeral home about this. I think I want my money back.”
Bill’s corpse: “Gotcha ya!”
Perhaps the superfluous “ya” could be choreographed with some sort of hydraulic system allowing Bill’s corpse to perform kung-fu movements in the casket.
My likeness cast in brass
We’ll stand in plastic grass
While hidden weights and springs
Tip its hat to the mourners filing past…
– John Denver, Lay Me Down at Forest Lawn
I’ve always said I don’t want a regular funeral. They’re boring, depressing, and wasteful.
I don’t even want a coffin. I DO want to be buried; no cremation for me, because being buried offers the opportunity to become a zombie if the dead ever rise from their graves. But the heck with a coffin - what a waste of time and money that is. And no suit, either; I don’t like wearing suits now and I sure don’t want to wear one in the afterlife.
Instead, I want to be dressed in a Hawaiian shirt and Bermuda shorts with a big straw hat over my face like i’m sleeping, and I want my hands crossed behind my head. No shoes or socks. And I want them to dig the grave and just lie me down next to it during the service as if I’m enjoying the sun. (If I die during the winter, I want the funeral held somewhere warm. What the hell will I care where I’m buried? I’ll be dead.)
I don’t want a separate wake and a funeral service, that’s a waste of time. I want the whole thing held right where they’re going to drop me in, catering tables and all. I want the service to feature music by The Tragically Hip, CCR, the Stones, and maybe some AC/DC. Throw in some Bee Gees to give everyone a little bounce. As they carry my corpse to the grave, I want “Rock and Roll Part 2” played as loud as possible, and everyone has to walk in time with the music. The food served should be barbequed steaks, burgers, and sausages. And beer, lots of beer, and margaritas and Long Islands and whatnot. In fact, I want kegs. A keg funeral.
During the service, it is a requirement that anyone who speaks tells a joke. I don’t even care if the joke is vaguely related to me. Also, in every speech, I must be referred to as “that crazy old bastard” at least once.
When they’re done, since I’m lying next to the grave anyway, just have someone put a foot on my hip, shove, and roll me in. Then I want them to toss swords, spears and plate mail armor in, not because I like those things but because it’ll sure give the archaeologists of the future a puzzle to solve, won’t it?
And I want my obituary to read like this. Even if I die peacefully in my sleep, I want it to read like this. No “passed away peacefully surrounded by his loved ones” for me. When I die of cancer or heart disease, this shall be printed in the paper
Thanks to Eve and mouthbreather, I literally have tears in my eyes from laughing. Yes, I am actually LOLing.
And Wildest Bill, I think you should take their suggestions. Sure, the anamatronics will cost you, but you’ll easily achieve that mind-blowing affect you seek.
And any Spanish speaking people there will say “Gotcha? Ya!”, as in enough of these cornball jokes, WB! And, for once, they will get their wish and there will be no more.
(Fair enough. No one can top Eve, and I’m the last one who should try.)
I used to want to celebrate my wake early, so I could enjoy the occasion with my friends and they could have a good time. As you might have expected, I was in my early twenties when I wanted to do this.
To hell with funerals. When I die, I want my body to go to a taxidermist. Then to someone who can install animatronics. At that point, I want it installed on top of a sign outside of a gas station or diner, where I will shake my booty for the edification of the masses for all eternity.
I forget where I read it, but loved one essay about the local town eccentric. He loved Elvis so much, when he died, he was buried in full Elvis regalia, including sideburns, jumpsuit w/ jewels, etc. Elvis music was played at his funeral, and the funeral director said, as the casket was wheeled out “Elvis has left the building.”
Since the guy was in his late 80’s to early 90’s, it made quite an impression.
I’ve loved the idea since. Be buried in costume as your favorite celebrity, and have a themed funeral. Heck, they do it for weddings, so why not?
Actually, I’ve changed my mind. I still want my body stuffed, but I want them to time me to the bottom of an interstate overpass on bungie cords so I can randomly spring out at people. BOING
Now I’ve never been big on wanting a tattoo, but it would be pretty cool to have dotted lines labeled “Cut Here” tattooed all over my body in preparation for donating my body to a medical school.
Sweet mercy! That’s one of the first times I’ve ever lauged out loud reading this board. Eve, that was brilliant, simply brilliant. I tip my hat to you. I can not believe how funny that was. I didn’t notice the extra “ya” and this scene is perfect. Whoa! That is absolutely hilarious.
Gotcha ya! I may put that in my signature! Thanks to you, also, Bill.
Yes that was funny. I didn’t even notice I put the extra Ya on there until I saw your post. I feel like Groucho Marx or was that that other old comedian that said something like that.
