I think you are too young to be concerned with “marital” & “sexual” frustrations. You need to concentrate on your friends, school work and maybe gaming(or other hobbies).
I don’t think you’re too young, but i do agree that you just need to be clear and specific about what sort of info you’re looking for.
Are you wanting to start dating or ‘seeing’ someone and don’t know how to approach them to potentially start that? Then ask!
Are you wondering what causes couples to break up most often? You could google that, actually, but if you asked clearly then we would probably answer that one for you too.
Are you concerned because you’re thinking sexy thoughts about schoolmates or teachers or celebrities and need to rub one out and feel guilty or ashamed about it? Just say it already. We’re mostly old and pretty jaded. It’s not shocking or dirty or depraved or even unusual, and none of us know you for real so you don’t even have to worry about being embarrassed.
Just ask already.
Yes the 2nd one is mainly what I am curious about.
I didn’t mean to say you’re too young to have a girlfriend/boyfriend. But marital and sexual frustrations are a far cry from dating or first romantic interests.
Let’s not get the cart before the horse.
If you have a crush, seek out what they may be interested in and familiarize yourself with it. And try to strike up a conversation. The very first step is always the hardest. Start with “Hello, my name is Luc”.
P.S. there are as many reasons for break ups as there people in relationships.
Is this about your parents?
It’s all in the interview process. When you spy some pants you’d like to get into long-term, have a jack and then think about what you want to do with your life, who do you want to be vs who are you now. In short, it is absolutely critical you are honest with yourself regarding what you value (as opposed to what you think you should value), and what sort of person you are. Only then can you start being realistic about what you seek in a long-term partner, and what you have to offer them. Once you know who the hell YOU are, reassess the pants and their owner. Do you just like the pants, or do you like their owner? Express your preferences fairly clearly, early, and frequently. How does the owner respond to the natural you? This may turn into a situation where the two of you frequently remove pants without further conversation, or it may turn into a situation where you find the other half of your soul. Either way, should the relationship end, it will be less bad because nobody was misled–and so it all comes back to honest and clear communication.
Married 29 years, still figuring things out. Basically what everyone else said is relevant. Communication is key, meaning you need to communicate your needs to your partner and they need to communicate their needs to you. Then you both must respect each other’s needs and make an effort to fulfill them or at least not impede them. If your needs are incompatible, it is time to move on. Most of the arguments that my spouse and I have got into can be framed as a failure of communication and that is true of most couples I know. Sex and romance are a subset of this, if you both have expressed your needs and you both feel the other values your needs, sex and romance follows.
Why are you interested in learning why couples break up?
Not to fight the hypothetical but you first have to have a relationship before your relationship can end. So maybe step one would be a good first step.
First get yourself a girlfriend, then start worrying why she’s going to dump you.
And another hint. You’re sixteen? As Dan Savage advises, stop worrying about getting your 16 year old self a girlfriend, and instead start working on getting your 20 year old self a girlfriend. What steps do you need to begin today that will make you boyfriend material?
So. Get yourself in shape. If you’re a couch potato, take the fork out of your mouth and get some exercise. Make sure you pass all your high school classes, get into a decent college, and get into a decent program with some job prospects. Don’t develop a nasty addiction. Bathe. If you’re socially isolated, try to figure out why and fix or mitigate those problems.
I know I am going to get some eye-rolls for this, but perhaps the OP should peruse the pages of that 90s book “Men are from Mars Women are From Venus”. Now, hear me out on this, because it really did help me understand the way that men and women approach those daily problems of life once the lust has cooled.
Women problem solve in one way, men problem solve in another. One is not better that the other, each is just different, and that book, among other things, was helpful to me.
Women (in general) want to talk about their day, who bugged them, how their boss is a jerk, that other skank at work and why she is a skank, etc… and the typical male response is to give her advice on how to “fix” her problems. When actually, all he she wants is for him to listen and just interject every now and then with “Really?” or “I’m so sorry about that” and it serves to validate her feelings and usually by the end of the rant she has talked herself into her own solution. Women don’t want to be told how to fix problems or worse, be told they shouldn’t feel the way they feel about these mundane life aggravations. When the man tells her what to do, inevitably the next time she comes home with the same gripes (and she will) he is going to say “Well if you had done what I told you to do the first time this wouldn’t still be a problem!” This ends in a fight and lack of understanding.
Men, OTOH, don’t want to talk about their day most of the time. They talk when they are ready to talk. When a woman tries to push a man to talk when he doesn’t want to, or especially if there is a discussion going on that is escalating to an argument, she needs to back off and not push. When a man says, “I am finished talking about this”, the worst thing a woman can do is keep talking and pushing. It makes him feel emotionally unsafe and he will only shut down more, or in some cases, he may lash out verbally or even physically. In no way am I saying that is typical or ok, but where I am going with this is that most men, when they say they are DONE with a conversation, they are indeed, done and the woman should listen to that. Then, many times, after he has had time to ruminate, he will come to her and talk about it, and the conversation can be very productive.
I know there are exceptions to these gender norms outlined above, but in my experience, these have mostly been true.
As has been stated, we all have different outlooks and different things that are important to us.
Communication is key, the biggest issues I have seen that cause splits, is lack of communication (even when the couple swears they communicate).
For my wife and I, having common interests is also important. I met her in a senior class in college and her red hair was the first thing I noticed. Then I noticed how she filled out a pair of jeans. Then I saw she wore a Baptist Student Union t-shirt, so I knew she was of the same denomination as I am. Then I learned that she liked Star Trek. All those things lined up as a young woman I wanted to get to know better.
After 27 yrs together (almost 26 married), the issues we have had were due to lack of communication and the ways we fixed them were by communicating clearly.
So don’t ever think you know what she is thinking, ask her what she is thinking.
In my house, I more fit the Women are from Venus category, and she more fits the Men are from Mars. But we know what works for us.
Traditionally most arguments are about money, sex, children, and in-laws. What I have found works well to minimize arguments about
[ul][li]Money - work out a budget and stick to it.[/li][li]Sex - work out a schedule and be understanding.[/li][li]Children - agree on things before you start having them - how do you handle discipline, what religion, work out a schedule for who gets up to feed them in the middle of the night when they are young, etc.[/li][li]In-laws - what worked for us is I kept my mouth shut about her parents, and she kept her mouth shut about mine. But we presented a united front - we never disagreed with each other in public. [/ul]We are the same kind of people, with the same expectations and role models growing up. [/li]
It’s not possible to live with someone for any length of time and not argue. Be a grown-up about it and it isn’t usually an issue.
Gender dynamics don’t enter into it. If she thinks you are exploiting her, don’t marry her.
Regards,
Shodan
To the OP, based on your age and experience, I would say that all of this questioning is academic and abstract. You need to build a foundation of real human relationships before you can even begin to truly understand some of these dynamics.
The suggestion is to think of where you are in life in terms of relationships as “shopping”. Try to get into a relationship with someone. See how it plays out. Don’t expect it to be permanent. When it ends, you’ll learn about that. Then move on to another one. It will be different. When it ends, you’ll learn something different.
Eventually, you will get better at understanding yourself and what you want and need in a partner. It takes practice. Do your practicing now, while you are still young and not burdened by adult responsibilities. Some people never stop practicing, this can be a problem for them as they get older.
That’s actually quite good advice there. It won’t guarantee a lasting relationship, but it will raise the odds of having such a relationship, and probably result in better odds for a relatively amicable split with functional co-parenting too, if things don’t work out.
We’ve never had a budget. But we fundamentally agree on money things, and neither of us has any desire to spend more than we make, so we’ve never needed one. Budgets are great, but if one partner thinks they deserve luxuries that they can’t afford, it will end badly.
Observing how a person spends and having the discussion before marriage is the way to go.
As for sex, some people like to schedule and some think it takes all the romance out of things. Talking and compromise is the way to go.
Now a schedule might be the output of this discussion, but it might not be.
WADR another tip I would give is that the chief factor in determining if a marriage will last or not is whether or not both partners are determined to make it last. I have given no thought whatever to how I would manage a divorce. I suspect I would not manage well at all. But I am putting all my eggs in this one basket. (So is the Lovely and Talented Mrs. Shodan). And that makes it easier IME to compromise, because I expect to have to get along with her for the rest of my life. If one of us is unhappy, I don’t go away -we have to change.
Failure is not an option. But again, that is a shared expectation, and one we agreed on going in, and one that our respective family backgrounds made it more than likely would work out.
Maybe I am wrong, and tomorrow she will wise up and dump my sorry ass. I am proceeding along the assumption that she won’t, and firmly committing myself that I won’t either - no if, ands, or buts.
“My goal is to live forever - so far, so good.” Same thing. My goal is to be in this marriage until one of us dies. So far, so good, and ISTM that part of the reason that it is good is the commitment.
Regards,
Shodan
I am interested in studying how gender dynamics work in marriage
Ok, fair enough.
A man tosses his woman on the bed. When she tells him she has a headache, he rips her panties off and sticks his manliness up her vagina and wriggles around in there for about 20 minutes before he blows his load. He rinses and repeats until she is knocked up.
And so on and so forth…
@ the OP: You know the saying, “The husband is the head of the household, but the wife is the neck, and turns the head in whichever direction she pleases?” That saying was from very long ago, and it still is true, in fact maybe more so than ever.
“Hai I want to ask out a girl but first I need to know about gender dynamics and how our marriage will fail.”
That’s decent advice, Shodan, buy I fear about 10 years too early here. I guess if I was going to give honest advice about gender dynamics for a 16 yr old Id tell him to not worry about it and just try to have fun and be honest without being a jerk.
A 16 year old who has been labelled as autistic … yeah context.
Adults with lots of experience who in general are good at reading body language, nonverbal and other cues, so on, will not infrequently screw up on reading the intentions of the opposite sex. It can be a minefield.
Yes, CarnalK has it right. Focus on enjoying being with each other in nonsexual ways, honesty, and not being a jerk. Take the romantic side slow, check in every so often (but not constantly) that you are understanding her and her interests and wants right. Be there when she needs you while not crowding her space too much when she does not. If you feel persistently frustrated in a relationship that is ongoing talk about it without blaming the other. If she expresses frustration try to understand it without getting defensive about it. Be prepared for rejection and do not feel that a first or second relationship has to be the forever one.
Good Luck!
I think you are correct. Gender dynamics does not make for good first-date conversational topics, unless you are trying to pick up girls at a #Metoo rally.
Another way to think about it, if you must think about it, is to be sure that you agree on whatever you both think about gender dynamics. If you both agree that women and men should be 100% equal, that’s just as good as both agreeing that the man is the head of the household, as long as you share an understanding of what being 100% equal means or what the man being the head means. My wife is a strong, independent, fully actualized person, but I still have to kill the big bugs.
Regards,
Shodan