So I have this friend, Juliet, who right now is in her 10th hour of labor. Her husband, Romeo, is a fine fellow I ordinarily like. He’s providing occasional commentary on the situation via Facebook. His latest remark is to the effect that Juliet just got up and walked around the house and up and down stairs without assistance because she’s so awesome. She’s as indomitable and determined as Wonder Woman, he days; all pregnant women should be like her, learn from her example and make themselves stronger.
I find this remark a tax…irksome. See, when my wife had our twins, she was far from ambulatory at the end and could not have done a home birth if she’d wanted to. My older sister almost died in both of her pregnancies. My little sister was in the hospital for a week after having her daughter. None of them are weak-willed or feeble; they just weren’t as fortunate as Juliet has been.
I’m not going to take Romeo to task, of course. He’s just young and excited about becoming a father. But what he wrote just pisses me off.
A few years ago, there was a local(ish) campaign by midwives, backed by a C-list UK celebrity called “Stand and Deliver”, all about how it was better to stand and move around, and let gravity aid your delivery, rather than lie down to give birth.
So far, both my births have left me feeling somewhat imprisoned, as I end up horizontal on the traditional hospital bed, with one strap round me to monitor the contractions, another round me to pick up the baby’s heartrate, one drip in an arm for the Pitocin to coax the baby into the world, and I’m sure one time I had a second drip going too for something or other. Fairly immobilised by all these cords, and too scared to make a sudden movement in case you pull something critical loose.
I’d have loved to have been ambling up and down stairs to shake the baby out, but medically, it was not an option for me.
Seriously, what if he was reposting seriously hateful photo-shopped political glurg instead? Unfriending could start a war… or… you can just hide his posts and let the [del]buffoon[/del] typhoon blow itself out.
I love how everything in our modern culture is a “should” now. He can’t just say “Let’s be happy this is going so well for her!” he has to say “You should all try to be like her.” Nothing just is anymore. We’re making a moral statement everytime we buy our friggin’ coffee and social media is the perfect way to make sure you can share your superiority with the world every fifteen minutes.
But rather than be annoyed with the father-to-be, this is something I blame on the culture of social media more than the individuals who use it.
Agreed! Pregnancy is pretty close to the ultimate personal experience. There was nothing special or particularly weird about my labor and delivery, other than it was MINE!! Just because you were in labor twice as long, or half as long, just because you lost your baby weight in a week or are still dealing with it at your child’s graduation, just because your baby immediately slept thru the night or kept you awake for 5 years straight, it does not make you better or worse than I am. It means your experience was different from my experience.
Back to topic - sounds like your friend is all wrapped up in his personal drama, which is the most significant thing in his life at this moment. With luck, once the kid shows up and pukes on him just before he has to leave for work, he’ll regain perspective. Yeah, it’s irritating, but I expect you may have annoyed him once in the past, so count yourself even.
It may be worth it, in a few weeks, to point out how hurtful the comment was to you - explaining that its great that his wife had such a lovely labor, but that not all women are so fortunate. For instance, giving birth to twins is usually much more dangerous and exhausting, some women suffer from preeclampsia, some have complications, etc. That his comments showed a lack of compassion for those whose health, fitness or pregnancies are more complicated than his wife’s.
Decent guy that he probably is, he’ll apologize and say he didn’t think, it was the excitement talking. And you, older and wiser in the ways of parenthood, can nod and say you understand and you just thought he might want to know so he could be more thoughtful about the feelings of others during his parenting journey. Kids have a way of knocking you down a peg - pregnancy and childbirth is a competitive sport - by the time you are raising teenagers is much more cooperative, where most of us commiserate, and even most of the parents of those sending their perfect children to Ivy League schools have learned to STFU, because next weekend it might be them explaining to the cops why their kid was at a party with two joints and a blood alcohol level above .1.
To be fair, most of the posts were like “Not coming to trivia night, Juliet’s having contractions,” “Thanks for the good thoughts, but nobody should come over,” “Skald, we need pie!” and “” It’s a girl!"
Man, if all the ignorant things I said about kids back when I didn’t know nothing were all up over Facebook there’d … be a whole lot more Facebook.
Dangerosa’s got a good point. Let the dude have his moment, while they’re all awash with adrenaline over the experience, then give him a quick poke in the ribs later on.
Homebirth, eh. I’m happy people have the freedom to do it. And I’m so SO happy I didn’t have to.
Dude’s a twit, but there’s a reason all those sitcoms show new dads doing dumb stuff like getting in the cab to the hospital without the mom. Talk to him later.
I do think home labor is over-rated. Both of my children had serious complications during labor, and you can’t always predict it. If you have access to a labor and delivery ward, why take a chance? I’ll step off my soap box before it gets any higher.
