I think kicking mornea for having a lousy ex is not really fair ball - she probably kicks herself more than anyone else could for having a kid with him. People don’t consciously sit down and figure out the worst person they could have a relationship/family with, but it happens. I think we’ve all had our disastrous relationships; some of us were just lucky enough to not have married and/or had kids with them.
More accurately, your parents were the exception, not the rule.
Yeah, maybe he changed all his friends too, but how did he manage to find all new relatives?
I was responding to your original quote, which wasn’t just about mornea, but about these threads in general. Or maybe he was staying away from the questionable family, and now he’s hanging out with them again. Who knows, besides the people who are actually part of the marriage. The whole point is that there are several more options besides the few that you listed.
I’ve been there - you have my sympathies. Three weeks after he moved out, my ex refused to shell out for his daughter’s birthday party (her birthday fell on a time they were with him and she wanted to have it at the cool pool and club house in his apartment complex). He told her she could have the party at his apartment if I payed all expenses. His justification was that mom should pay because he sent me “all that child support.” This was one month before the decree and thus 4 weeks before he had paid me a dime. I told my daughter to go ahead and have the party, that her father and I would work it out later. When he called me asking for the money, I told him that IF he was planning to send me a child support check he could deduct the party expenses. If he wasn’t planning on sending a check, he could shut the hell up and pay for the party. He went with Plan B.
As to why I’d marry such a loser in the first place- a previous poster hit the nail on the head. He wasn’t such a loser at the time (although there were big red, flashing rail-road-sign sized flags). What changed? One word - alchohol.
The one resource I found extremely valuable was the book:
Win Your Child Custody War by Charlotte Hardwick
A link to the book is here: http://www.livingston.net/divorce/
What’s odd, is that I remember that it was written by a man, from the perspective of a father who had to prove that he was more fit than his child’s mother, but the listed author is Charlotte. It’s a thick as a telephone book, but pretty quick reading.
The biggest thing that is recommended is to document everything. Make contact logs, phone conversation logs, save receipts, etc. etc.
I’ve had a front row seat to how this can work. You’re already somewhat emotionally invested in the other person by the time you meet the family and they’re on good behavior when you do, as well. At this point, your SO hasn’t started confiding about every skeleton in the family closet or little dust up with the law yet. Families can change over time somewhat, as well.
Soon, you’re really in love, and while you now know more about the other family, the info came to you a piece at a time, increasing gradually, along with your commitment to each other. At a certain point you tell yourself you love your SO enough to stick by them for better or worse, and since you can’t pick your family, it’s not really their fault. They could be the exception after all. So there you are, a perfectly intelligent, rational (though perhaps sometimes naive and wishful) person involved in a relationship with someone who can be just as loony as their family.
Call me stupid and naive, but I didn’t think I was marrying his family–I thought I was marrying my husband.
Ha!
I hear ya, mornea --my husband went from a stable, VP of Finance who quit his job(it was a surprise to me) when we had a six week old baby, mind you, and proceeded to lose $200,000 in a dot.com disaster. He only stopped throwing good money after bad, after I insisted on him getting a real job.
We are not yet out of that debt–but he has worn out his welcome. He’s not a drinker or even a terrible person–he is just untrustworthy. I am by far the better parent, and I expect full custody-with child support. I have yet to contact an attorney, but I am looking into mediation. Good luck to you in this. IMO, it sounds like he has a major debt load–he may be maxed out on credit, trying to maintain his “lifestyle” and cutting corners where he can. I think he is completely wrong to it this way, but it’s a theory.
As for dead beat Dads–my own father(a doctor) played with the child support–he would delay the check or make my mother have to ask him. So, my experience tells me that some men do play vindictive games with money and control. YMMV.
I see no reason to address the deadbeat moms here-this thread is not about them.
My sister is doing the one-bedroom thing with her 12-year old daughter. You do what you gotta do.
I had been told a few years prior to meeting the this guy that because of the abuse I suffered as a child, I would not be able to have children. At the time we met I was coming out of a serious relationship and just wanted to have some fun. I wasn’t looking for a life partner or a potential father of my children. I knew he wasn’t the greatest person and actually stopped seeing him a month before I discovered I was pregnant. After the baby was born I saw a better side of him and we decided to make a go of being a family. It didn’t work and here we are today.
RE: Questionable family - basically it’s his brother and closest cousin. His cousin has cleaned up his act, but his brother (who will be getting out of jail, for the 3rd time, in September and maybe coming to live with him) is another story. In the past his brother has had no qualms about exposing my daughter to dangerous situations. Which I didn’t find out about until well after the fact. His friends are some who were stealing from work right along with him, and others were drug dealers popping in and out of jail.
I seriously doubt it. He has the mindset that if he has less than a hundred dollars cash in his pocket he’s broke. Not counting what’s in the bank. Even if he is overextended I don’t give a shit anymore. He can sell some cars. He could not buy extra property. He can do whatever the fuck he has to do to make the payments. Why should I be the only one making sacrifices?
How the fuck dare he tell me I’m not doing my fair share? He’ll find out what fair is.
RE: One bedroom - Without getting any additional support from him, there is exactly one community in this area in which I can afford a 2 bedroom apt AND be in a safe place. This is a very expensive area and those apts do not turn over often. It’ll be probably another year before we can move. In the meantime I think we’ll survive. BTW, the kids get the bedroom so she has her own personal space and plenty of privacy when she wants it - and I get time to myself when they go to bed. (Until they wake up in the middle of the night and get in my bed anyway. Which I’m sure would happen even if we had a mansion.)
And before the people who want to tell me to move chime in:
I used to live in a cheaper area. I had a 3 hour per day commute. This meant I had very little time with my kid, no time for her to participate in sports or clubs, and no time to go back to college. Now my commute is 15 minutes. I knew that living here would be harder financially but it gave us our life back and she’s going to an awesome school with much more diversity and opportunities. The school she was in before tolerated bullies, this school community is united against bullying. Last year she made a suggestion to the principal about doing an ethics question (What would you do scenario) every week and having each class collaborate to come up with an answer. The following week she was on TV reading a question to the school. I love that the staff listens to the kids and gives them opportunities to try things like this.
We can’t have everything and it’s a constant tug of war between what’s best for us as a family at each stage. Right now in order to provide my kids with the best I can of everything else I have to sacrifice our personal space.
Thanks for the offer, an email has been sent.
Nothing in her rant showed that? Really?! She carried her daughter for 9 months in her body and birthed her. Now she’s dealing with her daughter’s father after a failed marriage and trying to do it all while keeping all the venom away from her daughter.
She’s done nothing to deserve primary custodianship of her daughter? Do you have kids? Have YOU ever tried to raise one on $194.00/month? Maybe if her daughter was a goddamned goldfish, she’d be able to raise her in some style on $194.00/month. Daycare alone costs more than that! Oh, and he raises his daughter 1 week a month. Well goody for him. That’s a FATHER? That’s someone she has to be tolerant of? And calm and gracious towards?
Ya, she’s angry and she has every damn right to be angry. My father gave my mother $200.00/month when they got divorced, but that was 20 fucking years ago!
Who the hell are you to judge? According to her rant, he apparently told her that he had a brain tumor when he didn’t too. Yeah, good fucking example to set for his daughter. So, he not only wants to eat his cake and have it too (shacking up with a married woman, not working, etc., etc., etc.) but he wants HER to feel sorry for HIM too?!
Stop the fucking press, this misplaced soul needs to go back in time when women where always the best parent.
And because the marriage was a failure she deserves the kids?
And this “venom away” from her daughter was where exactly in the OP?
This was her arrangement by everything I read. To keep it amiable. And yes I have children.
Read it again and this time, read slow, and don’t be afraid of asking for help with the bigger words, because you missed the whole point of her rant. Has nothing to do with the child support and everything to do with him threatening to take custody. And just being a all around bastard.
I will say again, read it again slowly. He owns a home, works, for now.
I explained my view, and I was wrong, I changed my opinion after more information became available. But at least I read the fucking OP.
mornea --guess I’m guilty of letting my situation shade yours.
I would be concerned about the ex-con contact, not just from a physical safety standpoint, but also because of the TB, HIV and Hepatitis prevalent in prisons–all of which could be transmitted to your child (some more easily than others). The prison population is high risk for all of the above and more.
At my pediatrician’s office, we have to fill out a survey regarding possible exposure to TB–and prisoners are on that list. So, it might be something to mention to your pediatrician and to your ex (not that I think he will listen).
Her school sounds great and IMO, you are doing well. (as best you can–one day at a time and all that).
: golf clap :