Sometimes people need to talk themselves out of stuff like this on their own. Not giving the standard response might incite her to think it through for herself at some point. So listening and being there is part of a possible solution that maybe just hasn’t quite sunk in yet.
Say to her, “Just goes to prove the old saying, whatever doesn’t kill you just gives you something to bitch and moan about.”
“Sorry, makes you stronger. Makes you stronger”
That’s true enough, but there’s a limit to how long a friend has to listen to a friend who does nothing but bitch and does nothing to fix the problems.
I had a friend sort of like this until very recently. She would be very vocal about how in love she was and how she was OH SO CLOSE to her husband/boyfriend and basically act like the first people that discovered fucking and gush all over facebook. Then the break up would happen and we would find out that, oh heavens to Betsy, but things weren’t so perfect after all. One had a gambling problem, couldn’t keep a job. Another - oh she didn’t really lock herself out, he locked her out of the house and she ended up with a huge gash on her arm from busting in the window. Then she gets back with them. And we get to hear about how great he is and how he pounds her in the sack on a daily basis.
Finally I couldn’t take it anymore so I tried to quietly remove myself by not replying to her “giving him another chance” text and deleting her from facebook and my phone. She proceeded to send a text with all the why and “I’ve been there for you…”
Anyway, my point and how this relates to you is this:
When pushed I finally had to clarify my thoughts about her and I just told her “I don’t respect you anymore. I have none. You are pathetic and a drama queen and I’m not going to watch it anymore.” I said it in a much nastier way and for that I do feel bad, but I had let it fester until it boiled over. My friend saw the email where I spewed all this and she said she could feel the hate coming off the screen.
Don’t let it get that bad. Decide if you want to continue the friendship and if you can hang. If not, let it go. I still feel bad about how I ended the friendship (it was not graceful, and it was one of the ugliest things I’ve ever said to someone) but after all that I feel so much better without that drama nagging in the back of my head, waiting to open my inbox or text to see what fresh vomitous hell was there this time. It turns out, we didn’t have as much of a friendship anymore at all anyway.
If it’s a once in a while thing, then I think it would be appropriate to act as a good listener and back-rubber and all that.
But if it’s all the time? And she starts using her friend as a free therapist…never asking her about her life or problems? Why should anyone put up with that?
I think some people have hard time imagining that there are people out there who really are like this. Like I said before, my coworker was driving me completely bananas because not only was she complaining to me about personal, non-work related things, but they were pathetic things. Like being too “poor” to buy a feta and spinach pizza! Or how, at the age of 38, she was too old to find a man. Or how she wished she wasn’t so fat so that she could find a man. You listen for a while and then start to feel like she wants advice. So you give it. But she rejects everything you say, because “you just don’t understand.” I can’t think of anything more frustrating.
The phrases you’re looking for are;
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
“That’s a shame.”
“Indeed.”
Don’t agree, don’t disagree. Be Switzerland. Your non response will force her to either change the subject and actually change her dialogue to direct questions, (What am I doing wrong?, Don’t you agree?, etc) which will open things up for you to offer an opinion.
If she doesn’t like your opinion, or gets pissy, you get to say, “Then why’d you ask?” or “Don’t ask questions, if you don’t want to hear answers.”
If she questions why you’re being so neutral, be honest and say experience has taught you she doesn’t want, advice or opinions, and either just wants to vent, hear herself speak or bait you. Let her suck on that for a while.
(The advice you really seem to need though, is that when people show you who they are, it’s your job to see. This person is showing you something about who they really are? Are you seeing?)
Exactly.
I have never been sympathetic to anyone – male or female – who constantly whines & complains about “all the rotten men” (or “all the rotten women”) they’ve dated. It means they have a problem. And it’s a problem that can’t be easily fixed.
What I would tell her: “There is no shortage of assholes out there; the world is full of them. Therefore, it is incumbent upon you to not date them. If you find that all of the men you’ve date are assholes, it means you are attracted to assholes. In other words, you don’t really want a good man, despite your proclamation to the contrary.”
She reminds me a lot of my sister. She is 42 years old has had dozens and dozens of boyfriends. Every time she breaks up with one, she complains that “he was an asshole, he was abusive, etc.” She won’t admit it, be in reality she only dates “bad boys” and is attracted to assholes. She would *never *date a clean cut guy with a job; they’re not exciting enough for her. She thrives on drama.
My big fat ass, it will. That only works with people who aware enough of you as a person (rather than a prop in the soap opera of their lives) to notice that you’re not really responding to them. And if this woman were that aware of the OP as a person, she’d already know that it’s time to change the damn subject and we wouldn’t have this thread.
Bailey, have you considered the merits to telling her you’re sick of hearing it and to either put up or shut up? If she’s as big a drama queen as she sounds, she’ll most likely be mortally offended and stop talking to you, but there’s always a chance she’ll either change her ways or at least find something else to talk about to you. Whichever way it goes, you won’t have to listen to this crap, so no matter what you win.