I am so in lust with my married co-star

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’m in a production of a play that’s a forgettable pretentious piece of absurdist flotsam, but man will I remember these rehearsals. I portray one half of a gay couple; my character is a slightly unbalanced (i.e. prone to erratic obsessions and temper tantrums) effete snob while my significant other in the play is a sweet cerebral scatterbrain with whom I’m in some ways totally incompatible and in others couldn’t be more perfectly suited.

My other half on stage is played by “Scott” (not his real name). I am quite gay in real life (and make no secret of it, though I don’t know that Scott knows this). Scott is, if I haven’t mentioned it, gucking forgeous, and by gucking forgeous I mean studmuffin Hall of Fame contender. He’s about forty years old, but it’s been forty very very kind years of constant tire rotations and check-ups and his very slight spare tire only makes him hotter. Think Hugh Jackman, but present.

Have I mentioned he’s gucking forgeous and looks like Hugh Jackman? He’s
about 6’4, hairy body, b-e-a-u-t-i-f-u-l butt… by which I mean, his butt is beautiful-- big and round and just… ooh Lawd I know theah’s a Gawd [if I’ve never mentioned it, I’m a butt man].) He has black hair with lots of gray that totally only adds to the appeal, cloudy blue eyes and a wonderful hairy chest with silvery black hair, a hairy tummy he loves to show my wiping his chin with his shirt, beautiful shoulders… I suppose you might say that all that’s best of dark and bright/meet in his ass, pecs and his eyes.

The odd thing about Scott: when not in character he’s fey, lisping, prancy, perfectly attired, and generally gives gives every impression of being about as straight as your average oval. He’s physically demonstrative and “arm hugs” whenever you make him laugh (and I have turned into freaking Chris Rock crossed with Eddie Izzard and Larry the Cable Guy all rolled into one when I’m around him). However he’s currently married and in fact has been married before.

Anyway, he told me early in rehearsal “Okay, I don’t know what your take is,
but mine is that I am DEFINITELY the bottom in this relationship”, rendering me
non-verbal, drooling and slightly incontinent for a few minutes. Then tonight
while rehearsing a tense scene he says “I think Boyd [his character- not the real name] is a toucher, so if you don’t mind I’m going to grab you tight in this scene.”

I wanted to respond with “I think George [my character] is a spanker, so if you
don’t mind when I hear the line ‘George, come here and look at this’ I’m going to
respond by bending you over my knee and spanking that booty til my hand
bleeds”, but I didn’t say this as unfortunately I couldn’t feel my tongue or facial muscles. This is a far more difficult rehearsal than I’d bargained for.
Then he tells me, in what anybody would call a nelly tone, “You know this guy
is actually a composite of guys I’ve met in gay bars. Me and Judy [Mrs.
Scott] go to gay bars all the time and I know this guy…”.

I’m like “I have a dog at home… his name is… is… is… got a vowel in it… butt…
dog…” You’re nelly, you go to gay bars, you loathe football but have strong opinions on Judy Garland and asked to borrow my Loreena McKennitt bootlegs… either your wife is the luckiest woman on the face of the planet or she’s going to end up shooting you with a crossbow over what begins as an argument over the quiche bar at a Ricky Martin concert in which a revelation slips out.

This is a totally mundane and pointless tale, but one I had to share. I have NEVER been unable to develop a character onstage because my co-star was so gucking forgeous I couldn’t concentrate, but this promises to be a first.

So has anybody else ever had a co-worker or co-star or anybody who was so distractingly beautiful you couldn’t think of anything else?

2

Very funny and well written story.

You know, what sucks here is that the ball is TOTALLY in his court and he might even know that and be playing games for his own amusement. Not really the nicest thing to do but maybe not quite malicious either. I guess since he told you he was married and claimed heterosexuality right up front, this might turn out to be a good “relationship”. He gets to flirt with you and you get to oogle over someone and never have it ruined by actually getting them :D.

3

I once had a boss who was just so completely stunning that I couldn’t complete a sentence around him. I didn’t work directly for him, thank God, but he was the executive in charge of our office, and I was his underling’s secretary, so I had fairly frequent contact with him.

The worst thing about this was that he was not only slightly younger than me and a recent transfer who was somewhat ham-handed with the staff (the company trained its Bright Young Executives by putting them in charge of our BFE office), he was also something of a jerk and definitely socially retarded. I became pregnant while working at this job (well, not while working, but during my tenure at the company), and after I’d started to show, he once accosted me as I was heading to the bathroom to ask me if it was true that women had to urinate more often when pregnant. Blushing scarlet, I assured him it was true, and he then asked me in a conversational tone why I thought that was so. I stammered something about blood volume and pressure on the bladder before stumbling into the shelter of the women’s bathroom.

The truly sad thing is that even this incident did not cure me of my crush.

4

Oh yeah, I know about that sort of crush. When I was at university, I had one of those student-worker type jobs at one of the colleges. I worked for the dean and had a huuuuuuge crush on one of the professors. He was just beautiful…I couldn’t take my eyes off him when he walked into the room. Lean, tan, clear blue eyes, salt and pepper hair, chiseled features, impeccable wardrobe. I never actually spoke to him because I was so absolutely agog at his beauty. Luckily, I never had to do any work directly for him…I would have passed out while he was giving me instructions.
Unfortunately I was a student, he was a professor, he was probably about 45 years old (to my 19) and he was openly gay. I enjoyed going to work every day, though!

5

Doubtful. I’m highly skeptical that the guy’s sexuality is much of a secret between the two of them. Based on everything you describe, it sounds like the guy’s totally bisexual at least, but is currently married to a woman. And I think Cisco’s dead right – he’s got “hand” and he’s playing you like a cheap ukelele; he knows you’re gay and is loving every bit of the attention. I’ve met guys like that before; they know they’re hot and they love having people in their “thrall.” I don’t mean to make it sound like the guy’s a total ass – excuse me, Sampiro – a total jerk, because it’s probably completely subconscious and he’s not actually trying to make you squirm. It’s just his habitual way of dealing with people who are attracted to him.

Yes. My boss on a previous project. If you had asked me, when I was an adolescent, to come up with an image of The Perfect Guy, it would’ve looked pretty much exactly like this man. The tough part is that he’s a super-nice guy and an outstanding worker, all of which makes me feel even more unprofessional for having such a distracting crush. Also, of course, he’s one of those ultra-straight guys; there’s absolutely no way you could ever entertain the notion that he was anything less than 100% heterosexual. And not in that too-much-testosterone way, either. More in the “we are slaves to a cruel and vengeful God” way.

6

I started this post over a month ago and just had to do an update… the story with this guy got weirder and weirder and I transitioned from less of a crush to damned near being in love. I’m actually relieved I’m moving to another state this coming month (which is happenstance and has nothing to do with “Scott”.

So… the update:

It turns out he isn’t as old as I thought- he’s only 32, but the salt & pepper hair makes him look older (though absolutely not in a bad way). His wife is 20.

More precisely, his fourth wife (as in one… two… three befour her). Again, he’s 32. He has two children from his previous marriages. He was telling me in his sexually ambiguous way that “Yeah, her family is so Baptist they’re essentially Pentecostal” (e.g. his wife went to a “Christian school” in which the science book was the Bible, her mother has to ask permission to drive her own car and when they want their daughter to visit they call and ask her husband’s permission). He went on to say that “their religion is why they were very much against her marrying me… because I’ve been divorced.”

I’m not particularly religious, but if a 32 year old man with three ex-wives and two kids but who still seems gayer than Liberace on Oscar Wilde’s birthday wanted to marry my 20 year old daughter I’d duct tape her to her canopied bed and stand outside the door with a shotgun.

Anyway, we got to talking quite a bit during the play. He really liked my sense of humor and said so often. I really liked his eyes, butt, Hugh Grant Floppy Hair™ and cologne. We have a lot of the same interests (ancient history, religion, psychology, etc.) and the same mix of high-brow/low-brow tastes so we had some great tastes. It turns out he is also a very good artist (particularly when drawing in realism- don’t care so much for his abstracts, but his portrait done from photos he took in a Somali camp is fantastic.)

So, during dress rehearsal I was making photos of some cast members. I asked him if he’d pose with me since our scenes are together and I made the pledge “I
promise I won’t put you on my Xmas card and introduce you as my new bitch”. As
the photo is being snapped he says “You know, you’ve made comments before where you went out of your way to assure me I wasn’t being ogled… I just want you to know I’m totally cool with gays and gay life. Hell, I didn’t know which way
I was going to go until I was in my twenties.” CLICK-FLASH- sit-com freeze frame- I ssssssoooooooooooooooo wish I could link to a copy of this picture because my expression is totally :eek: while he’s looking his tall handsome and sweet self.

Then for the rest of the evening he proceeds to tell me his sexual history. I almost wish he hadn’t because I became more turned on than ever.

More in a moment.

7

So refresher- “Scott” is very nellie (he calls it metrosexual {from the Latin word “metrosexualitus” meaning “to stand in a big closet with many locks”). He’s also a highly decorated naval officer (he left the service two years ago), looks like Hugh Jackman (though my friends do not agree [though they concede he’s hotter than hell after a mafia war]) and has a boo-tay that is more whippable
than any dessert topping ever envisioned by man or obsolete gods. He tells me his sexual history:

“Well, I was sexually molested between the ages of five and nine by an older
male relative, so that made me sexually confused about what I liked. I just
assumed I was gay and I had major crushes on guys in my class all the way
through junior high and high school. I had sex with a couple of them, which is
of course fairly common even among straight guys.”

While I do not deny that sexual abuse of children can sexually confuse them, in
Scott’s PARTICULAR case I think that to say “I was sexually molested” and “I
just assumed I was gay” are roughly equivalent to saying “I wore a blue shirt
last Tuesday and it rained”- two completely separate and not necessarily
related assertions.

“Well, by high school I was really insecure about it so I became a major jock,
a total Captain Testosterone, especially after my best friend said the sexual
part of our friendship was making him uncomfortable and he wanted to end it”

Alright… I’m not straight or anything, but… I’m almost positive that most
straight high school guys DON’T have sex with their best friends. If anybody
has anything to support or refute this statement that doesn’t virge on TMI,
please let me know.

“I joined the Navy when I was 18 and I got married a week later. I didn’t know
her all that well and I never loved her but it seemed a good idea at the time.
We divorced three years later, in part because… get this… she thought I was
gay.”

Mmmmkay.

"Then I met this absolutely gorgeous Asian American lady and
it was lust at first sight. We never really connected anyway but physically,
but we made a beautiful daughter and got married when she learned she was
pregnant. We split up before [the daughter] was born and got back together a time or two before going our separate ways.

“Well, that takes me up to my twenty-fourth birthday. I was depressed and
feeling like my life was going nowhere and that I really shouldn’t have had a
child with a woman I didn’t love and… well, you know that mid-20s angst you
get. Some old demons came back to haunt me and I wondered, what if I
really am gay? Well my best friend in at the time was gay and had admitted he had a crush on me, so I celebrated my twenty-fourth birthday by making love to him. It was great, but I’ve been straight ever since.”

I was thinking M-hmm. I know how you feel. I had a cigarette an hour ago, but I’ve been a non-smoker ever since.

Now bear in mind that this is a guy who is touching me constantly in the play
and who I am majorly in lust with, who I would be continually locking eyes with
if his olfactory nerve culminated in his buttcheeks. This is somewhere between
majorly fascinating, arousing, TMI, and “seek help… seek help
NNNNNOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW!”

He goes on to tell me about how another mostly loveless marriage when he was 25 resulted in the birth of another daughter whom he adores (the reason he lives in this area is because his baby-mama number 2 lives nearby and he wants to be near his little girl). Then he was honorably discharged from the army, met his current wife when she was dancing in a ballet he was working backstage on. He briefly worked as a wedding consultant (God knows he had experience, but even so, add 25 Homo points- that’s enough for the Kylie Minogure
T-shirt at the Pink Stamp Store), now works as a male nurse (10
more points- we’re almost up to the Judy Garland windbreaker), is majorly
active in little theater (10 more points), designs costume jewelry for ladies
(add 15 points and pick up your LIZA WITH A Z CONCERT Commemorative Plate) and did a portrait of one of the dance stewards [male ballet dancers] from one of his recent plays that is the most anatomically detailed work of his I’ve seen. (It’s not nude, just very nuanced.)

Anyway, he basically claims to be a former bisexual (from the Latin “bisexualis
formeris”, translating as “see metrosexualis”) who is now straight due to
finding the love of his life in wife (of six months) “Cindy” (who is very sweet and who is going to be really cute [and embittered] when she’s grown).

Now, I have some major body issues (I’m 50 lbs overweight) and generally assume that there is no way anybody attractive would ever find me attractive (photographic evidence from a board that seems to bear that out), but several of my female friends told me things to the effect of “He totally digs you… he was totally checking you out a couple of times when you weren’t looking… he was totally jealous when I came up and kissed you” type items. I was in a “no he didn’t… he totally di… really?.. naaaaaaww”. But he did tell me with increasing frequency as the show went on that “I am really going to miss you when this show is over… Damn it! I can’t believe you’re moving away just after I met you”, and after we went to dinner one night (with his wife and a female friend/co-star from the play) he told me “If I were gay, I would so go out with you! You’re just really cool!” which of course was a showtune moment for me (choreography involves me alone on stage singing while dancing around a flagpole- think parts of I Could Have Danced All Night, I Can Hear the Bells, Singin’ in the Rain and Maria, but in a play that just sort of ends with a lackluster number medley of songs called Blueballs and Meh… at intermission.

On the last day of the show I gave him a card that I made myself in which it was quite obvious I had a massive crush (actually a step beyond that- if this guy was gay, fat and broke and underachieving as I am I’d still mount an offensive that would make Patton scratch his ass and say “Damn, I wish I could do that!”) and I actually stated aloud to one friend "I really shouldn’t give him this- there have been candlelight vigils born of lesser proclamations of love- by this time next week Rosie O’Donnell and Ellen Degeneres might be here on this spot talking about how “damned mad” they are whilst Sir Elton wheels down from Atlanta to sing “Goodbye central Georgia’s male rose…” in a media event.

Scott’s reaction: he hugged me, almost crying, and told me (in front of his wife) that it was the sweetest card or letter he’d ever received.)

Since the play I’ve given a class on “Self Defense Against Anti-Gay Rhetoric” that I mentioned here on these boards. I had mentioned it during the play. Scott and his wife were the only two bree---- ummm, straight people— in attendance. And we’ve vowed to get together for dinner sometime, but, who knows.

So while to me it’s not mundane it is most definitely pointless and I must share it whether it’s read or not. If this guy were just talented or gorgeous or funny or intelligent or sexy as all hell or intellectually curious with tales from an often fascinating life- if he were just one or two of those things- it’d be another “ahh, pleasant diversion, what’s for dinner” but I have to admit I’ve been in a lovesick trance like a ninth grader in Paris for the past few weeks. Tis good I’m leaving, but… hopefully I won’t have to deal with this again, at least not with a “straight” guy. And hopefully he’s right when he says he really hasn’t been bisexual in almost 10 years and he and his wife “Cindy” will have a long happy fulfilling life together and I’m wrong in my suspicion that she’ll one day forget her coupons, come home early from her trip to the grocery store and catch him licking Smucker’s fig jelly from their Latino pool-boy (who’s nude except for Cindy’s panties) and humming tunes from Mame. And hopefully one day I’ll meet a guy who I find really stimulating both physically and intellectually and he’ll be turned on by my personality and able to identify both Bastet and Spike Fonzarelli and he’ll take whatever credit card I have the highest limit on, but til then- let’s start packing.

If anybody read this, thanks for your time. As you were.

8

Oooo. I feel for you. I’ve had many a crush on costars…who turned out to be gay. Hell, I’ve dated at this point no less than 5 men (for over 6 months apiece) who then “realized” they were gay. I was engaged to two of them. I’m beginning to develop a bit of a complex. I’d rather develop some accurate gaydar.

Wanna swap lives? :smiley:
(And, um…don’t take this the wrong way, but between your story and other posts and that picture, I think I’m crushin’ on *you * a bit. I’m a really slow learner.)

9

Sampiro, I feel your pain, but good grief, that is some funny shit.

My sides! My sides!

10

Dunno if I qualify as “attractive” but if so then you assume wrong.

11

No, thank you! What a great read! :slight_smile:

Og knows I’ve had my share of pointless/hopeless crushes – including my current one, on a co-worker, which I’ve had since my very first day on the job (three years ago . . . :smack: ). It’s been a while since I’ve done the tongue-tied/IQ-of-a-turnip thing, though. Knock on wood. :wink:

12

whimper. One of my friends. He’s in my math class. Very much not the type I usually go for - he’s not ‘rugged’ or ‘handsome’. He’s pretty. Gut-achingly, knee-weaking-ly pretty. Excellent body, gorgeous eyes, wonderfully ‘proper’ English accent, good hair, dead-sexy tattoo.

Yeah. I asked him for some help with math within the first few weeks. He complied, and is very smart. He also, at the time, was very engaged, and that was an embarrassing conversation when I asked him out before knowing that.

However, that has crumbled around him, and he’s decided that I, of all people, am a good platonic shoulder to cry on. Most recent development? He’s on the tentative brink of a rebound fling. With another guy. Who he knows I also find highly attractive.

wanders off in search of Prince Charming. Or, alcohol…

13

Sampiro, what a great read!

You are definitely NOT unattractive and you’re apparently fun to listen to (even “Scott” agrees :cool: ). Lift your chin up and keep it up. :slight_smile:

I haven’t been in a similar situation so I can’t provide advice or consolation, nor can I provide anecdotes half as enjoyable to read as those you’ve just posted, except… Dayum, a Hugh Jackman lookalike? :eek:

14

Sampiro, this has been hilarious to read, not to make light of your crush.

So…I have this friend. Couple of inches taller than I, thin, reddish brown hair, the most beautiful brown eyes ever, and gorgeous feet. He’s extremely funny, always notices new hairstyles and clothes and compliments them, and is the sweetest guy on earth. He’s gay. I had no clue until he told me. My gaydar is completely nonfunctional. I actually managed to confess my crush to him and it seems to have made us better friends (go figure). Every time I see him, he seems to be still more adorable. Sigh. Between straight girls and gay boys, I always have crushes on the most inaccessible people around.

15

This is one of the funniest threads I’ve ever read. Judy Garland windbreaker?!?!?! LOL!

Now, I have some major body issues (I’m 50 lbs overweight) and generally assume that there is no way anybody attractive would ever find me attractive (photographic evidence from a board that seems to bear that out

Pfft. I saw your pic. You know what I thought? “Dammit dammit DAMMIT why do all the cute guys have to be gay?”

You would have been my worst nightmare back when I was a hormone ridden teenager. An adorable, smart, extremely funny guy who just wants to be friends. Hell, a guy just like you WAS my worst nightmare in high school, he was my best friend at the time.

16

This happens to me roughly every fifteen seconds; I see a guy and I’m just GAHBIBBLE hi I’m Matt, excuse the drool, where are you going? Heartbreak! rinse and repeat.

17

I read your profile in the link. Why can’t the straight guys on Yahoo Personals be as funny as you?

18

Yeah, that’s my opinion too. Of course, I’m female as well, so that’s cold comfort to him.

I laughed my ass off at that post, and yes, he’s sounding like (cough) the Queen of De-Nile. Sorry. :frowning:

19

Because then we’d think they were gay… :wink:

20

I didn’t read though all your crush posts. We’ve all been there. Good luck.

But you should be getting a lot of attention from your profile on GAYcom.

A+ in every way, including the pics.