The Whore - a lengthy rant

The BBQ Pit
1

“Scott” is my best friend. We’ve been friends since 1989, when we met in the Army. He’s a great guy, honest and sincere and hardworking. You can count on him for anything. Well, most things.

Three years ago, Scott got a job in Silicon Valley and moved down there. (We both lived in Kingston, Ontario.) He has been very successful there, even through the hi-tech crash. Unfortunately, it is in San Jose that he met The Whore.

The Whore works with Scott. The Whore is married; nevertheless, The Whore started coming on to Scott within days of meeting him. Now, Scott is a great guy, but Scott has considerable self-esteem problems. (Before you jump on me for blaming the woman and not the guy, Scott’s going to get his in this rant too, believe you me.) Scott had never had a really serious girlfriend before. So, sure enough, Mr. Dumbass sleeps with The Whore.

That was eighteen months ago.

The Whore and Scott continued to fuck each other for a year. During this period of time, The Whore has told Scott on at lest six occasions that she was going to break up with her husband. In every case she then decided not to because she does not want to lose her mansion in Seattle. (Really. She says this.) The Whore even went so far as to ask Scott to buy her a $2000 ring on the promise she was about to leave her husband; of course, she lied and kept the ring.

Four months ago Scott announced it was over. He was sick of the bullshit; he told her “it’s him or me, and you’ve made your decision. Call me if you finally leave him.” (But he still wants to Be Friends. How sweet. Dumbass!) The Whore, however, has informed Scott that she wants her husband AND wants to fuck Scott. She calls him crying EVERY DAY. I don’t mean that hyperbolically, I mean it literally - she calls him four to five times a day, or more, seven days a week, every week, without fail, and at least one conversation is tearful blubbering. Her excuses for wanting her cake and eating it too are unbelievable; at one point she claimed that she could not leave her husband because it would ruin the happiness he has found in the Mariners’ great season. I was there on vacation and she called half a dozen times on a slow day. The Whore steals things from her employer so she can see Scott. She uses their phones, takes “Business trips” to San Jose to see him, and even weaselled her way on not one, but TWO, trips to Europe to try to fuck him overseas. She even offered to pay him to fuck her. It was phrased more along the lines of “I’ll pay some of your bills!” than “I will give you $300 per bang” but the implication was obvious. (Thank God he said no.) She is now referred to as simply “The Whore” by Mrs. RickJay and I, hence the thread title.v The Whore, by the way, is Australian, and so she’s ruined Australian accents for me forever. She’s fucking ugly, too, one of those women who decided ten hours of direct sunlight a day was a great idea. Her face looks like beef jerky.

This entire thing has become a colossal fuckup, just as I predicted it would a year and a half ago and told him. Of course, it’s destroying The Whore’s career even without her larceny being discovered, and I am sure it’s doing Scott no favors to be the grist in the rumor mill. (SCott, at least, is scrupulously honest about money, if not about marital vows. At least HE’S single.) She has just gone completely fucking batshit, thereby interfering with his life, fucking up her own, and lending considerable credibility to the possibility that she might just go completely insane and shoot him and/or herself and/or her husband.

And Scott, being Mr. Low Self-Esteem, has fucked himself him over this so bad it’d take a platoon of therapists to unfuck him. He’s now living in a state with FORTY MILLION PEOPLE and he says he can’t find a girlfriend. I and everyone reading this knows he’s not LOOKING for a girlfriend; he’s pining over The Whore. Scott has always been oblivious to hints, but this makes him completely blind. I’m thinking of taking out a personal ad on his behalf.

Here’s the profanity:

Scott: You dumb, dumb, stupid-ass dipshit fuckhead. Gosh, you had an affair with a MARRIED WOMAN and you’re surprised it’s turned out badly? You stupid bloodfart-bubble! What the fuck did you expect? Idiot! Did I not warn you? Do you have no common dogfuck at all? And do you not realize she’s probably fucked other guys, and is probably fucking other guys right now? You’re so fucking unconscious of your own hangups you don’t realize the only reason you banged the ugly whore was because you’re unconsciously afraid you can’t win a woman’s heart in an open, honest way. Dumbass!! You’re ruining your life over a nutty old slut and it’s been A FUCKING YEAR AND A FUCKING HALF and you do not realize you have to change your fucking phone number? You can’t “just be friends” with her if you’re still in love with her, asshead. Get rid of her toute de suite. But of course you won’t do that because you’re apparently as fucking mental as she is. STUPID, STUPID, STUPID!

The Whore: You skanky, dirty, leather-faced, greedy, stupid, thieving, worthless old jizzbag. Of all the human beings I have ever enocuntered, you are the only one I can honestly say does not have a trace, not an iota, of self-respect, decency, or class. The worst trailer trash on earth at least has a glimmer of morality; you do not. You’d suck your uncle’s cock for five bucks behind K-mart. You’re beneath contempt. Quite frankly, I hope you get hit by a fucking bus.

2

Well!::Pauses to catch her breath::
That’s quite the little situation he’s baked up for himself. My advice to him? He needs distance from this situation. He needs to take himself a little leave of absence and go somewhere where the nutty old slut can’t track him down. Maybe that would give him the perspective he desperately needs. Oh, and a restraining order might be a good idea, too. At least he never knocked her up. You might want to remind him of this hell on earth that he managed to dodge, in case he ever loses his mind and sleeps with her again.

3

Wow. That’s some rant you have there. Definitely a 10.

I was going to give it a 9.7, but I really liked this:

I can only assume that’s a typo, but I like it anyway.

4

This woman is a STALKER. I don’t BLAME you for blaming her!

5

So what would happen if he threatened to tell her husband? It is a fucked up situation and Scott doesn’t seem to be able to get out of it gracefully, so I, being the asshole I am, would be looking to throw gasoline on the fire.

6

At this point, I’m starting to doubt that her husband doesn’t know SOMETHING is going on!

He must be the stupidest man alive, or a total saint!

7

Dammit, I was gonna use that as my favorite line. Thanks jr8, ya fucked that up for me. :stuck_out_tongue:

Damn, reminds me of when I was 18 and started having sex with a married women. Holy shit that was fucked up. I really can sympathize with “Scott” here. I pulled myself out of that clusterfuck and starting doing things to raise my self-esteem, like working out and lifting weights. Once you are confident in body, the mind will have an easier time following.

8

Excellent rant.

I particularly liked the $5 K-mart blowjob reference. Quality.

BTW… what a WHORE!

9

I love it too! Do you think we should anacronize it?

“WTF? DYHNCDAA?” (pronounced Dy-hink duh)

-Tcat

10

No, that is not a typo. “Common dogfuck” is an expression in the Canadian army for “common sense.” It is always used in the negative; you don’t say “Bill’s a smart guy, he has a lot of common dogfuck,” but you might say “Dave is a thud. He has no common dogfuck.”

Glad you liked it. Feel free to make it a part of your vocabulary. It comes in handy. However, I believe a new form of swearing must be approved by jarbabyj for official inclusion in the Straight Dope Message Board Lexicon of Profanity.

11

Scott needs to move. Into a security building. He needs to change his phone number or at least get caller ID. He needs to instruct his co-workers and his HR people to never ever under any circumstances release his home phone number or address to anyone, no matter what reason they give for needing it. He needs to talk to the right people at work and get his extension or desk phone number changed, and then get caller ID activated on that phone. Then a restraining order. Then file a small claims lawsuit for that $2000.00 ring. They were under a verbal contract that she initiated for purchase of said ring. She violated the contract, time to go to court. Scott needs good friends. Friends that’ll never tell him “Told ya so, dumbass!”. Friends that’ll support him and constantly remind him that she’s fucked up and that he wasn’t the one that fucked her up, she was fucked up long before she met him, and that no matter what he does he can’t fix her fucked upness. Friends that’ll tell him and show him by example that relationships and breakups do not always involve constant melodrama, headgames, theivery, and subterfuge. That good relationships don’t make you feel nervous, depressed, threatened, or cheap. That a good relationship and partner make you feel good and better about yourself and life in general.

These are all things that he needs, but it doesn’t sound as if he really wants them right now. ::shrug:: What’re ya gonna do?

12

::Holding up index and middle finger, bowing::

Go in peace, and use many swears.

13

Wow. That really sucks for Scott. But I think Deej really hit the nail on the head for what he needs to do. I would add Scott needs to find himself a new job in a new city, and have his mail forwarded to a PO Box at a different post office from the one that delivers his mail.

14

Nicely ranted.

Scott needs counseling. Encourage him in this and then follow every one of Deej’s suggestions to the letter.

15

Fucked up situation, no doubt. I’ve had married women flirt with me occasionally, and I shut them down doublequick.

By the way, I would also encourage Scott to talk to an attorney. If The Whore gets in serious trouble for her workplace larceny, Scott needs to have his ass covered.

16

Really, jarbabyj, why bother with the index finger, here?
[sub]Yeah, yeah, it was an obvious joke.[/sub]

I feel for Scott, a little, but holy Christ, I’ve never understood people who willingly participate in infidelity. Whether or not he’s the married one, he’s still acting like a selfish, clueless adolescent. Encourage him to heed to advice above. He can easily screen his calls at work, I’m sure, and home is obviously a snap. He’s just got to get out. OUT!

And Whore? My goodness, yes. She really is.

17

The moral I take from this story is: interesting things happen when two complete basketcases combine their efforts. Interesting in the way a two-hundred car pileup on a fog-shrouded highway is interesting, I mean.

18

Scott needs balls. Whore needs karma. And after that read, I need a drink.

19

I agree with Deej’s suggestions, too–except for filing suit about the ring. He needs to cut off all contact with her.

I offer to Scott a bit of advice from (believe it or not) Ann Landers: Nobobdy can take advantage of you without your letting them.

20

Beautiful plumage, those whores have.