I can't make my girlfriend get an orgasm.

In My Humble Opinion
21

I’ve been looking for an opportunity to brag about the forty-five minute climax I gave my wife a few weeks ago, and this is as good a place as any. :wink:

This seems to me to be an excellent observation on your part. Tension is definitely not conducive to enjoyable sex. It’s playtime, and playtime is fun. Otherwise it’s work, and you don’t want sex to be work. I think the other posters have a good point, that the two of you might be looking to the orgasm as an ultimate objective, and this sense of a “goal” might be causing her to freeze up. There’s a lot more to it than that, naturally. Why, just the other night, I had my own climax, and then continued the play and brought my wife to two separate orgasms in the fifteen minutes following. </smug>

It’s possible that your girlfriend’s tension is caused by some traumatic indicent in her past; I dated a woman for a while who had been abused as a kid, and we took the sex nice and slow and safe. Dunno if that’s what’s going on here, but it’s possible.

Here’s what I’d recommend: Get intimate without sex or without any possibility of an orgasm being an ultimate goal. Get some oil and give her a long, slow, head-to-toe massage. It should take at least an hour. Don’t focus on playing with or rubbing any of her “magic places,” because you don’t want this to seem like foreplay. It’s entirely to let you enjoy her body, and to let her enjoy you enjoying her body. She’ll have a nice, warm glow afterward, and if her sexual tension is being caused by anxiety about not being able to reach a “goal,” this intimate and sensual experience may help her to associate your physical contact with pleasurable feelings without worrying about the sex part.

Do this a couple of times, all without initiating sexual contact. (If you’re worried about getting off yourself, try masturbating in front of her. Aside from providing for your own needs, it may also help for her to see you pleasuring yourself.) The third or fourth time, do the massage for fifteen or twenty minutes, starting with the feet and traveling up the thighs. When you get to the top of the thighs, give her a nice, slow, casual rub in the magic triangle. Don’t do the fast clitoral rub or anything, because again, this is not about “going after” the orgasm. Spend a few minutes massaging her labia, etc. Then move on. Continue the massage around the rest of her body. You can come back to the groin area, but like I said, this is about pure sensuality and pleasure, not about “trying to get an orgasm.”

All the while, listen to her. She’ll make noises when you do stuff she likes: feet, shoulders, neck, whatever; every woman is different. Don’t zero in on those areas exclusively, because too much of a good thing can ruin it, but do give them an extra bit of attention in and around everything else.

The point of this is in physical comfort and relaxation, as opposed to an athlete trying to jump over the bar. It can work wonders; by the fourth or fifth massage, she may be relaxed enough to “naturally” relax into an orgasm. If you’re both paying attention, you’ll know when this time comes.

Good luck, and happy shagging. :slight_smile:

22
  1. is likely the biggest problem. She has to teach herself what she likes. Until then, you’ve got a problem, because despite the admonishments of some of the other posters, men can’t read women’s minds.

You can help her, by following Cervaise’s recommendations for a lot of slow, relaxing, easy exploration with lots and lots of communication. But really, chances are she’s going to come to the solution before you do…, if…

Well, that brings up a possible other, ugly side of the problem, which I’m not in a mood to address diplomatically. So I’ll just put it like this: get her far away from her family for a couple of weeks and, um, skip church while you’re at it. If I’m wrong in my guess, feel free to call me an asshole. Same goes for the rest of you.

23

I think you’re right! Hmm…I thinks that’s it…what you said about getting her away from her family. See, we live at an apartment just 5 minutes away from her parent’s house, so she always tells me, “keep it quiet”. Well, I guess I’ll try what you guys told me. Thanks!

24

Sweetie, Raver, honey, female orgasms are about 90% mental. She must be uncomfortable somewhere in this area because she’s not getting any pleasure from it. Have you thought that maybe she doesn’t feel ready but is doing it for your sake? It may be a small possibility with how long you’ve been going out, but, it’s still a possibility. Also, has she been endoctrinated in any belief where she might have the underlying notion that “sex is bad” or that “that area down there is dirty”? There are about half a million things that could be going on mentally to cause this. I’m just bringing up a couple points for you to consider. I sincerely hope it helps.

Tasha

25

Sniff…amateur. Observe my sig. :smiley:

Otherwise…I like what you said, Cervaise. You seem to know what you are talking about here, and explained pretty much what I was going to.

26

Yesssssssssssssssssssss!!!

27

Aren’t most girls anyway?

–Tim

28

Aren’t most girls anyway?

**
[/QUOTE]

Only the ones who have sex with you, Tim. :wink:

29

raverxhouston meet ThisYearsGirl, she’s got a thread titled no orgasm–should I tell the boy? and she might be able to provide some insights that your girlfriend isn’t able to verbalize so, you might be able to help each other out.

30

I have to agree with Sofa King. Point number 6 seems to be a problem. From what I can tell, it seems to be that she’s never experienced an orgasm. And, for some reason, she’s very apprehensive about it. I’ve been in similar situations before, and I’ve had two girlfriends who were incredibly difficult to bring to orgasm. The similarities I’ve noted between them was they were both very inexperienced, both with other men and with themselves. It’s difficult for a girl to tell you what she likes, where to touch, how, etc, if she doesn’t know herself.

What does she mean by “she can’t handle it?” Is it the build-up of muscle tension and pressure that precedes an orgasm? It sounds to me like you’re getting her on the verge, but something is holding her back from completing it. ** ssskkugiii ** is right – most of it is mental, and we don’t know your girlfriend, so we can’t possibly guess what the issue is.

Questions that pop to my head: Is she religious? Is she hesitant in getting naked with you, or is everything cool? Does she want to come? Does she feel she’s ready? Is she afraid to? Has she ever tried using a vibrator while masturbating? When she masturbates, does she bring herself almost to the climax then stop? If so, why? Has she had really bad experiences with sex before?

There’s obviously some sort of psychological issue going on (it doesn’t sound like a physical problem to me.) So like the others said, talk to her and find out what she wants, what she thinks of the situation, etc. But, of course, be really, really, really tactful. You don’t want to pressure her into thinking there’s something wrong with her. She most likely is already a bit concerned about this (though i could be wrong) so be gentle.

Good luck! I’m rooting for you.

31

Even though you are anonymous, your post was courageous. You obviously care about your woman, and about her getting an orgasm or you wouldn’t have bothered to post your message. Kudos.

32

Ummm, why do you want to feel the ultimate pleasure of an orgasm? Cause it feels really good, maybe? Maybe she doesn’t need one and maybe she doesn’t want one, but it shouldn’t be assumed that she feels this way just because she is a woman.

Plus maybe sex is painful for her? Sex is overrated.
[/quote]

Sex is overrated? Who you been sleeping with, handy honey? There is nothing in this world quite like having mad, passionate sex with someone you love or care about or the occassional hot, sweaty, sex for no other reason than, well. . . hot, sweaty sex, is HARDLY overrated!

No, but why eat the cake without the frosting?

To the OP - A woman knows her body better than her partner. Suggest that she masturbate for you or alone if she is too shy (the exhibitionist in me would rather have an audience). Let her discover how and where to touch that gets her off and then when she feels comfortable she can teach you.

Also, could it be that she was raised to believe that sex is something that one should be ashamed of or is it possible that she had a bad sexual experience? Again, you can show her that sex is natural and meant to be enjoyed. Let her know that you want to learn how to make her come. Then be patient.

33

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by raverxhouston *
**

If she is not lying then she’s frigid. Either go to therpy with her and help her solve whatever problems she has with sex, use whores for sexual gratification(they’ll at least fake an orgasm), do without, find someone else(better) or be a real man and and don’t concern yourself with her orgasm:).

By the way would her name be Dinamo Humm?

34

[ladies’ man]
Ummm, yeah, when it comes to a quandry like this one, there is only one solution, and that is to do it in the butt.
[/ladies’ man]

35

“Ummm, yeah, when it comes to a quandry like this one, there is only one solution, and that is to do it in the butt.”

So if she is into S&M she could get a dildo & put it up his butt & this might make her come? You never know. Some woman have the weirdest fantasies.

36

raverxhouston,
I get the “i can’t take it anymore” from my girl too. With mentality being such a large factor, discomfort surely can’t help the situation. I’ve got no easy answers brother. Try not to let it become a big deal; it’s hard enough without added pressure.

37

First caveat: I am not a heterosexual, I have no experience with women at all, and thus my advice should probably be discarded, but I agree with whoever said to get her away from where you live for at least a weekend. See if a change of venue can make a difference.

You don’t even have to go out of town. Make plans to spend the weekend at a decent (mid-range) motel in the area. Doesn’t have to be the Ritz-Carlton. Doesn’t have to be the No-Tel Motel across from the adult bookstore on Rte 53. But get her somewhere far enough away from her family that she doesn’t have to worry about them.

I say take a weekend because you want to follow most of the advice in this thread. Do the sensual (but not sexual) massage. Do the “just be together and hold each other without pressure for sex” thing. Watch a romantic movie (even if it bores you to tears). Stop at a grocery store on the way to the motel and buy a supply of sensual food: strawberries, chocolate syrup, a bottle of wine. Sensual food doesn’t have to involve a kinky sex act, btw. Just feed each other, enjoy the wine. Don’t get drunk, but let yourselves loosen up the inhibitions. I think this could help her more than you, probably, so watch your own intake.

Do the massage, do the cuddle, do the slowly getting more serious thing. Build up to the actual sex act. Gently, slowly, and, for at least the first hour or so, solely focused on her reactions and feelings. Your own reactions need to be kept in mind, but not put forward yet. If you find something that she reacts to, keep that in play, but not constantly, and not roughly. Gently. Touch receptors in the skin are most sensitive to light, feathery touches at the beginning of arousal. Don’t rub, don’t pinch, don’t nibble yet. Barely touch…let your fingers glide a bare fraction of an inch over her skin.

When she shows a desired response to this, you can start to turn up the intensity, in small stages. If you go from feather to “ink eraser” in two seconds, you’re going to make your house of cards fall down. Gently, gradually. And above all, don’t get obsessed with “giving” her an orgasm.

That should actually be Rule #1 in 78-point Bold Impact font. This is the feminine equivalent of male impotence. Rule #1 in male impotence is “don’t pressure, don’t make it your goal to ‘give’ him an erection, don’t talk about it. Just do”. This also applies here. It’s entirely possible to make her so uptight and tense about her lack of orgasm that she can’t go there.

And one last question…how experienced is she in masturbation? I mean, does she know how to masturbate? Does she know that female sensitivity to orgasm is centered in the clitoris at first? I’ve seen cites (though I can’t remember where, so I can’t reproduce them) that women in the 19th century who’d had their clitori amputated (for “mental health recovery” purposes…we used to be unbelievably barbaric) before they became sexually active were incapable of achieving orgasm. Eventually, with experience, other genital areas become more sensitive, but at first it’s all clitoris.

And again, I repeat my caveat. I am not a woman. I am not straight. I have no, nil, nada experience with women. But I have scads of female friends that have no hesitation talking “girl talk” around me constantly, so I pick up a few things.

:0)

jayjay

38

Very important questions:

  1. Why can’t she “take it anymore”? Is she in pain? Uncomfortable? Bored? Tired? Nervous?

  2. Can she achieve orgasm by herself? Has she ever had an orgasm? If the answer is “no,” then you might have a tougher problem on your hands then this message board can deal with. If the answers are “yes,” then either it’s a problem of mechanics or she’s just not comfortable with either you or intercourse in general. Mechanics are easy – just talk about it with her, get her to be a “hands-on” director in bed. If she’s not comfortable . . . shit, I don’t know.

39

!

Jarbaby goes back…back…back…way back…to the wall…and yet no…

she can’t seem to catch this, even all the way out in** left field.**

40

I would strongly suggest getting hold of one of the Nancy Friday books (My Secret Garden would be a good starting point). They are a great springboard for discussing sex as the stories are written by women themselves.

It does sound your girlfriend has little awareness of, and is uncomfortable with, her own sexuality, and I would re-iterate what other posters have said about approaching it as a journey of exploration and discovery for both of you rather than getting caught up in “performance anxiety”. If she feels pressured to achieve orgasm for your sake (rather than just letting it happen for her own pleasure), it’s less likely to happen anyway and you risk her feeling that what you want in terms of her bodily responses is more important than what she wants for herself.

The “too much” issue could be related to intensity of feeling, or it could be related to lack of information. Just as people experimenting for the first time with anal sex often feel like they’re about to crap themselves (which tends to work against the ability to relax), in myself and quite a few other females I know, approaching orgasm can sometimes feel like you’re going to be yourself. Experience is what teaches you the difference between the feelings, and your girlfriend doesn’t yet have that.

I would tread softly and slowly, as there are obviously issues your girlfriend isn’t comfortable with just yet. Try to keep the dialogue honest without making her feel she’s inadequate in anyway, and consider the option of more formalised intervention.