My mother has entered yet another one of her Downward Spirals. This one is the same as all the others, constant crying, unexpected outburts of anger, and constant comments about how pointless her life is.
Today, my little brother had enough. He told her that she was a bad mother. That she hasn’t cared about either of us since my father died. She lowers his quality of life and takes food out of his mouth with her constant refusal to find a job or clean. He’s moving. He doesn’t care where. Anything is better than her. Combine this with her boyfriend’s (A.K.A reason for livings) stedfast refusal to call her.
This is it. This will push her over. Frankly, I am amazed she made it this far. We have survived several Downward Spirals, but none as bad as this. During the last one, I went SO FAR as to not only CALL to make an appointment with a doctor, but to TAKE HER to her first few appointments. She quit going, and quit taking her meds. Says they are too expensive. Maybe she could afford it if she LOOKED for a job. But she won’t. Her best friend called me today and informed me that he was “finished”. He is putting his life back together. He doesn’t need this.
So I am alone in this. And out of ideas. Nothing else I can think of to do. Meanwhile, this constant fear is giving me panic attacks. I had to close my store early because of one on Monday. I cry at least twice every day. I suffer from intense dizziness. By the time I’m done being strong enough to make it through a conversation with her, I am sapped. All I want to do is lay in bed. I can’t make it to go look for a higher paying job, which is what I should be doing considering I don’t make enough to pay my bills and eat. But the one day I don’t call her in the morning, the one day she doesn’t hear my voice, I will get that call I have been half-expecting for six years. It will be the day she finally does it.
I’m so scared and alone in this. We have no family nearby, hell, she doesn’t know where most of them are. We have no money for good treatment. We are quickly running out of people who are willing to try. And like I said before, I am out of ideas. This is ruining my life and yet I have no way to make it stop.
Is she depressed mostly because of your father’s death or are there other factors?
Who is living with her? Does she have a car / drivers license?
Do you ever get two days in a row off from work? Can you spend time with her then or take her on a road trip? Either to a big city or maybe up in the Smokeys. Greenville is definitely not the least depressing city I can think of…
I’m not a therapist by any means and I’m not trying to be one, but I was once told that laughter and activity are sometimes the best remedies for depression. Try doing things with her that will take her mind off of her troubles. Things like:
Playing different types of card and board games with her;
Taking her to places that she’s never been to before. Places like restaurants to try different foods that she hasn’t had, or to a mall she hasn’t been to, ect…
Try to crack jokes with her too, or try doing silly things that might make her laugh.
Tell her a silly story or show her something rediculius in the newspaper
ex.* Like the guy that robbed a bank, then went right down the street to a bar and bught everyone drinks with the police mobilizing right outside the place* :smack:
One thing I’ve found that usually works is, whenever she starts talking about someone that has either hurt her or has done something evil to upset her, Jokingly talk about that person right along with her. Things like:
Crack jokes about the way they walk
Their eating habits
The way their heads are shaped
The way they wear their clothes
*Its called Ad Hominim *
I know that sounds rather childish and far fetched, but sometimes laughter can do miracles for the depressed. A change in enviroment will definitely help too. You’d be amazed at how travel to unfamiliar places and keeping her busy will affect her emotions.
I am going to make it a special note to follow this thread very carefully. Hey, I’ve got an idea, Shrek II is comes out this week. Take her to the movies to see it and tell us how it comes out.
Torie, what an awful situation to be in. I really don’t know what to say to that except that you have my support and that probably many Dopers will soon be along to offer the same.
The only thing I would say is get a friend involved. Message Boards are great but you need someone who can be physically there for you. Ask your friends for help and talk to them. They won’t mind. In fact what they would mind is you not asking and suffering alone. If you feel there’s no one, ring a helpline. Don’t be alone in this.
This post comes with the standard proviso that I am not a doctor. What I’m describing in this post is some of my and my family’s experiences with a similar (but not identical) situation. Hopefully I can provide both some constructive advice as to how to proceed and some hope that these kind of problems can be overcome.
That was me, about 8 or 9 years ago. Similarly to your mother my depression (not a medical diagnosis of your mother but we’ll use it as a label for now) was largely brought on by my inability to cope with major life events. I became a burden upon everyone who knew me, lost contact with 95% of my friends and had about 0% chance of getting a job.
Your brother sounds like my father’s position at the time, his anger is understandable in that your mother’s behaviour is neither logical nor considerate of others. it takes a great emotional commitment to deal with a depressed family member and it is a commitment best spread over many people. My first request of you would be that you and your brother talk about how to deal positively with your mother’s situation. His help will make things hugely easier for all of you. My explaination to your brother would be that your mother is not ‘bad’ but ill, he wouldn’t expect her to clean, or have a job if she had broken several limbs and quite frankly depression can be a hell of a lot worse than that. You both need to realise that there are some difficult times ahead but leaving the problem alone will make them worse, not better.
Similarly your mother’s boyfriend may also be of assistance. This will be a judgement call on the part of you and your brother, but my guess is that if he’s not calling that’s not a good sign.
The reason she won’t look for a job is because she’s sick, most anti-depressants ( correct me if this is not what your mother was taking) take some time to kick in and because everyone’s wired slightly differently it can take some time to find a dosage that works for the patient. In my case it took about 6 months from the time of first doctor’s appointment until I even started to feel like a normal human being. During this entire time I practically had to be marched to the doctors office because I had no interest in helping myself get better. My suggestion here is to resume working with your mother and the doctor to help her out of her current situation, please do this soon.
Unfortunately you can expect some more of this, society does not yet understand or accept mental illness in the same way that at one time people with physical illnesses were once viewed as unclean. I suggest you have one conversation with him about how he feels and if he’s willing to stick around and help a little.
Part of the solution of this situation will be counselling not only for your mother but also for her family (yourself and your brother in this case). Society has not prepared you to deal emotionally with what is a very nasty illness and a few sessions with a counseller will help you and your brother understand what your mother is going through and help provide a means to cope and move forward. Once you re-contact the doctor ask him or her to recommend such a service to you as a family.
It will take an effort of will to put the whole situation back on the rails, but once you have some support from a counseller and a doctor who can help your mother you’d be very suprised how quickly things can turn around.
In closing may I offer you my sincerest hopes for the recovery of your mother and that all of you get through this difficult time.
Torie, I’m so sorry to hear about your problems with your mom. I wish we knew a little more about what’s going on, about what set her into these Downward Spirals.
It’s very hard to get out of these spots on your own, and it’s very taxing to the people around you. (Ask me how I know that.) Is there a doctor/counselor/minister your mom can talk to? Is alcohol involved in her depression in any way?
Atlanta’s not so far from Greenville – let me know if I can help.
None. Her knee still slighty bothers her from and injury a couple of years ago.
She was a depressive personality before. My father kept it under control for the most part. My mother puts great importance on her relationships. My father was her reason for living. When she met Busta (Yes, that’s his name.) HE became her reason for living. She tells me her life is meaningless without a marriage or a relationship. She got married at 19. Had me at 20. Never had to work because my father took care of us. So, in short, she has never had to take care of herself. Ever.
My brother lives with her. I got out, thank god. Yes, she has both a care and license.
I’ll second Bruce_Daddy’s and thank you very much.
None. Her knee still slighty bothers her from and injury a couple of years ago.
She was a depressive personality before. My father kept it under control for the most part. My mother puts great importance on her relationships. My father was her reason for living. When she met Busta (Yes, that’s his name.) HE became her reason for living. She tells me her life is meaningless without a marriage or a relationship. She got married at 19. Had me at 20. Never had to work because my father took care of us. So, in short, she has never had to take care of herself. Ever.
My brother lives with her. I got out, thank god. Yes, she has both a care and license.
I’ll second Bruce_Daddy’s and thank you all very much for caring. In a few minutes, I will be placing a call to my Aunt. (One of the few I can find.) She needs to have them in regular contact again.
Sounds like she has suicidal tendencies. Does she have medical insurance? Even if she doesn’t I think you need to recommend to her Dr. that she be hospitalized. And while in the Hospital, you’ll need to visit her a lot, and make sure she feel supported. But I do believe hospitalization is the way to go. She needs long term counseling, and group therapy, and above all she needs to know she is not alone. Here is a link to NC mental health association…with links for guidlines for hospitalization.
I guess maybe it’s just me, but I always get depressed in those small, old-south towns. I used to go to a motorcycle graveyard near Greenville and there never seemed like there was much to do there. Sorry if I offended.
As of the 2000 census, the city of Greenville had a population of 56k. cite. Certainly not Atlanta or Charlotte, but no “small town”. Actually, the county has a population of nearly 400k, the largest in South Carolina. cite
What is and old-south town? Please let me know, I might not want to visit one.
Shocker. Don’t go out of your way to visit the Peace Center or the Bilo Center There might be something going on. A junkyard dog like yourself may be more on my social and economic plane, so I will invite you instead to the Handlebar or maybe we can get some cajun boiled peanuts at a G-Braves game. And if you’re still unsure, I’ll guarantee you there is a niche somewhere downtown for you. I can’t say it as well as this person does.
No problem. I doubt many like to hear their town belittled but I have a short memory. If you’re down this way anytime soon and you still haven’t turned the corner on Greenville, I’ll meet you at the Mauldin Pub and we can shoot a game of pool and have a cocktail or two. On me.
My deepest sympathies, torie. You are in an impossible situation that can drain everything you have. I hope you find a way to persevere.
A close friend of mine is facing a very similar situation, and I haven’t found anything terribly helpful to say to her either.
One thing I believe in is the healing power of change. A drastically different outlook on life can often give you new perspective to evaluate your own situation. Depending on the cause of the depression, a month helping orphans in Ecuador, or living with the Masai in Kenya, might make a huge difference.
Or it might do nothing other than wasting a lot of money.
Now to Qualify: I am a retired Clinical Social Worker
Mom has several probable diagnoses, and it seems as if you are following in her path. There is a lot of codependency going on and this does you no good.
Depending upon where you live, there should be a public mental health agency, or sliding scale clinic where she can easily get treated for her frequent depressions. Judging by some of your quotes of her, she is the dramatic, hystrionic type, as well… very difficult to deal with. She lacks insight and judgment.
The best thing you can do for yourself is perhaps hit a few meetings of Co-Dependents anonymous. I myself have suffered from panic attacks and don’t take them lightly. The good part is they probably will go away spontaneously. You also have a bit of a self-esteem problem. Once you free yourself from the entanglement with mom, and begin improving the quality of your life, you will notice improvement in your self-esteem and be less tense, anxious, and panicky.
Someone else asked about whether your mom had any religious background or beliefs, but I didn’t notice that you answered or I else missed your answer. So please forgive me if I’m being redundant or bringing up something that isn’t relevant.
Religion can be a great help with depression (depends, of course). I know I have comforted my mom, myself and other family members when depressed by discussing religion and faith. This only works, of course, if you are religious. But it is definitely helpful, sometimes profoundly so.
I just wanted to say that I’m praying for you and your mom (and sending “good thoughts”) and I hope everything will be okay. Certainly a lot of the advice on this thread will be helpful. I definitely you need to get some professional intervention as well. You shouldn’t have to do this all by yourself.
But it is definitely helpful, sometimes profoundly so.