Delaying dental school is not going to affect his career all that much, assuming that’s really what he wants to do. I graduated high school in 1994, fucked around working crap jobs for a few years, and didn’t start going back to school untill '97. I went to a community college (pretty cheap in California, I don’t know about Florida), got good grades and some grant money, transferred to a university in '99, and graduated with a bachelor’s in 2002. I had to work and take out loans because my mom couldn’t afford to pay. It took a long time, but now I’m making video games for a living. You’re really not going to screw him over by making him wait on dental school.
Foxy40, if you are still going around thinking he’s going to do the work associated with dental school (as opposed to freshman meal pap), you are suffering a complete disconnect with regards to what his behaviour has been telling you for a long, long time now, and what your hopes and dreams for him are. This realization is probably as stressful for your son as it will be for you once you get in touch with it, which is a not inconsiderable part of why he’s thrashing around like this and causing such a kerfuffle.
Ok. I think I am caught up with everything I missed since I was last on. It is a lot to absorb and think about.
His school is completely paid for out of a trust fund of his grandparents. It is now his money that is paid to his education. I can not cut off funding. The stipulation is that it doesn’t cover dorm fees but only books and tuition so if he goes away, he will have to fund that himself. I think that would be the idea situation right now and I think if he has to continue to live in the house so miserable, it is one that will come to be next semester.
He’s not going to quit school and get a full time job. I can’t make him and I don’t know if I would if I could. Our family has always been very big on education. Under grad and graduate school. I don’t think it ever occurred to him that he could even stop going to school until he at least got his BS.
Dental school is his deal, not mine. I really don’t care nor have I ever cared what he wanted to be when he grew up. I didn’t think he would choose to be a fucking criminal however.
I had a talk with a very long time friend about this last night. I have been keeping it private but needed to get an opinion from someone who actually knows us. She said and was completely correct; “He figured you would give him shit but would just pay his bills like you always do. It never occurred to him that you wouldn’t have the money to do so. Never for a second did he think he was actually stealing because he considered it his money. He isn’t a thief, he is a brat.”
Yup. That sums it up. Now I need to figure out if I can change what I inadvertantly created.
Another ancedote: My Boss has a sister who is a total fuckup. The family has taken care of her all her miserable crackhead life. Somehow she gave birth to a daughter who is beautiful and intelligent.
The Boss’s mother took the child in and spoiled the shit out of her. Nothing was ever her fault. By the time the child (I’ll call her Bernie) was 14, she was having guys over for sex-and-drug parties. The police came to our office to warn my Boss about her main boyfriend.
The Bank called one day about a lot of money being taken out of Grandma’s account with her ATM card. Boss goes to the bank, gets the video that clearly shows Bernie & her friends using the card on several occasions. She confronts Bernie about it, and the girl says “You always blame me. It wasn’t me. Why do you have to pick on me?” Grandmother throws Bernie out and mama takes her in.
We needed a aide for the summer and thought a job might turn the girl around. She sat around the office, using the Inernet and the phone, and started letting her girlfriends do the same. I told the Boss to get rid of her. We drew up a contract of what Bernie had to do and she refused to sign it. Bernie was out.
Bernie’s boyfriend moved in with her and Mama, in an apartment owned by the Boss. He needed drug money and wanted her to get her friends to give it to her. When they refused, he beat the shit out of her. Boss filed charges and put his ass in jail. I told Bernie “Look, he is going to say it’s your fault, he is going to say he will never do it again, and he is going to say he’s sorry. He is going to ask to take you back. If you do, you’re a fool and I don’t want to know you.” She followed the script and I gave up on her.
Bernie never graduated high school, doesn’t work, and spends her days sitting around mommy’s house doing weed and having sex. She is now twenty and I am so angry with her.
I’m glad you spoke with your friend, foxy. Her remark is intriguing: You said initially that his behavior was novel and shocking, but it doesn’t sound like that’s actually the case - it seems only the scale was new. The lack of boundaries apparently isn’t.
Your story is such an interesting example of how the other half lives, or what one of my wealthy(ish) co-workers referred to as “problems of abundance.”
I hope your son does move out pronto, because physical distance will surely help and your nerves have been frayed enough.
I’ll bet he would be utterly shocked at some of the replies here, that people would categorize him as a common criminal and possible sociopath based on his actions.
On the contrary, you’ve said an awful lot of consequence, luci. Bravo. 
I would check with the school and make sure he is going. He could drop out and then get the tuition refund and blow itl
Nobody chooses to be a fucking criminal. They all think they (a) will not get caught (b) will be able to cover their ass if they are and (c) there’s nothing rally wrong with what they are doing. I wish I had a nickle for every time I’ve had the following conversation:
Them: What’s wrong with doing it?
Me: It’s against the law
But that’s not enough. Breaking the law isn’t always wrong, though it usually is.
It’s the same as answering “because I said so,” but replacing I with the government.
I think it’s too bad that his education trust is set up the way it is. This has taught me a lesson…if my folks ever set up a trust for my kids’ college (not too likely to happen, but you never know), I am going to be sure that I am the controlling trustee, not the kids. I think that these days, many kids are far too confident that their educations will be paid for through no effort of their own, anyway.
Of course, you guys know him, and I don’t, so what your friend said may very well be the case. But if it is true that he considered it “his” money, and that he was just as entitled to it as you are, then why was he sneaking around and hiding it? He must have had some idea that YOU wouldn’t have considered it “his” money. So, call it stealing, call it brattiness, call it whatever you want, it’s pretty clear to me that he knew it was wrong. People don’t hide stuff if they think it’s OK to do it.
He knew it as wrong and he knew I would be furious and he would get yelled at. He just thought I would pay it, be pissed and that would have been the end.
Allow me to add another little part of this story that I have not mentioned up until now. My son had a partner in crime during the summer of fun and games. His friend was doing the same thing to the tune of $9000 according to his parents. They cooked this little plot up between them and had a good old time for themselves. They had more to sell and return because their son bought a lot of audio video equipment in addition to the games and accessories.
I have no idea how they are handling it. I do know they are handling it privately as well.
I’d talk to the trustee and find out what the terms of the trust are. Its possible (and if the trust was well written - likely - lawyers that do trust work have seen or heard too many stories about a trust spent to keep someone high for ten years while they majored in underwater basketweaving - and ‘grandma’ who wanted the trust to be used for education wants to avoid a similar tale) that the trustee has some discretion in the distribution of funds. For instance “any felony convictions and all ‘your’ money goes to a home for stray cats.” If this is the case, perhaps a talk between your son and the trustee would have some weight in breaking his entitlement mentality.
A brat? A brat would put shaving cream in your purse, rather than take money out of it. He would also be twelve years old.
If it’s true that “he considered it his money”, then you may as well just forget all the advice you’re being given here. It’s too late. There’s nothing you can do. Just let him use you until you expire or go bankrupt, whichever comes first. He doesn’t know that you don’t belong to him. He considers the whole world to be his. All I ask is that you hang in there as long as you can, because he’s coming after our stuff once he’s finished with yours.
One thing you have to teach your children the first time they say “We have money.”
I have money. You have nothing.
To summarize the trust, it works like this, (well from what I understand, it is a deal between my parents and all their grandchildren.)
He must attend school and stay on track to graduate in four years. He cannot take a sabbatical (or leave to grow the hell up and learn about taking care of himself.) From what I understand is it reverts to the grandchildren’s trust fund in its entirety if he drops out. It is set up with some kind of bonus system. After he graduates he gets a certain amount of money unless he goes to graduate school. If he goes on, that is paid for. At the end of that he gets even more money. It does not include dorm fees or an allowance as my parents expect him to work and take out loans if he wants more than they provided.
If he does not graduate, he does not get a dime at any age.
The other partner in crime stole $9,000. :eek:
Foxy40 how much in total did your little sensitive sweet child blatently steal from you? 
That sounds like a threat that he’d do well to avoid. Perhaps in addition to the police reports you could mention that the (potential) time in jail that would come along with it would make the trust nul and void for him.
Also, I think you might want to talk with the other parents - they might have good ideas as to how their handling it.
That’s just messed up.
I reiterate, I was a spoiled kid. I was. I had money and privileges other kids dreamed about. But this is so far beyond that it isn’t even funny.
He got together with a friend and planned and plotted how they will rob you blind and you are going to pat him on the head and pay his bills and set him loose on the world? Yowsa.
Yeah, I have to agree. From what you are saying, it sounds like you think he knew it was wrong, but he didn’t know HOW wrong. I don’t know, Foxy, it’s starting to sound to me like he knew exactly how wrong it was.
Not always the best answer, hon. I grew up that way. My parents had money, I had nothing. This probably has some relation to why I obsessively collect things now.