I do not like this Pubbie spam! I do not like it, Sam I am!

The BBQ Pit
1

The OP is dual-purpose: it is both a rant and a challenge. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to write a rant in Seussian verse on the following situation…

At least once a week, I have been receiving a spam e-mail from some member of the Republican Party and/or the Republican National Committee, urging me to support them in some election-related and/or partisan endeavor or another. I find these missives rather annoying, as a) I hate spam, and b) in any case, the likelihood of my voting Republican in November is roughly on the same level as the likelihood of my enlarging my penis. But for your pleasure and/or amusement, here is today’s spam message:

“Dear Eva,
Last week, I sent you an e-mail asking for your help to keep pressure on the FEC and encourage them to take action to stop the flow of tens of millions of dollars in illegal soft money that is funding attack ads on President Bush.
Your response was fantastic. [It was? I wasn’t aware I had responded, as I reported the previous message as spam and deleted it without reading it when I saw the sender.] More than 66,000 e-mails have been sent to the Commissioners. Thank you for all you’ve done. Unfortunately, we cannot rely on the FEC to act anytime soon. [Especially if you’re depending on complaints from people who don’t support you, never have, and in all likelihood never will.]
We must prepare for the worst and assume that these shadowy liberal propaganda groups - who are illegally working to help Senator Kerry - will outspend our campaign until they are forced to shut down. President Bush needs the help of grassroots leaders like you [I do operate at the grassroots now and again, but not in the way you guys apparently imagine] to respond to the deceitful ads these groups are airing with this illegal cash. Please contribute today, using our secure server, so we’ll have the resources to counter their efforts.
www.GeorgeWBush.com/Contribute/
Don’t let billionaires like George Soros - who has compared President Bush to a Nazi and said he would spend every penny he has to win - side-step the law and use illegal funds to attempt to defeat our President. Please help today.

I hope we can count on your support. [NOT!]
Sincerely,

Marc Racicot
Chairman
Bush-Cheney '04”

I wonder how they got my e-mail address…and I wonder what the Republican view on spam is.

2

I will not send even one red cent to reelect the president.
I will not volunteer my time; I will not spend a single dime.
I do not like you, right wing man and even more I hate your spam!

Something like that?

3

Precisamente. Keep on going!

4

Well, I was kind of hoping to just provide the first verse and that folks might run with it. Sort of a collective Doper thing. However, should inspiration strike I will pop back in.

5

Apparently the Republican view is: I like spam.
I received a very similar snail mailing in the name of Marc Racicot & friends with a bonus - an autographed photo of George and Laura.

If you like, I’ll dig through the pile on my desk and send it to you.

6

Fortunately Seuss wrote using more than one length of line:)

Dear Eva dear Eva, I simply must say
today is the day - there’s no day like today!
We must and we must, I now simply do say,
must fight these nefarious donations today!
They come with their fire and axes, they say.
Fight back now with funds and with words, don’t delay!

Dear Eva dear Eva, their soft money pours
it runs rivers red, in droves and in stores
these unpatriotic partisans, these liberal whores
these democratic cheaters, no ethics or mores
they give and they give to Kerrys and Gores
and refer to Our President by evil of yore!

Dear Eva dear Eva, give us a blank check!
With liberals our country will sure go to Heck!
Our President’s record is marred by no speck
nor a spot nor a blot, though he sticks out his neck
for you and for me, at our call or our beck.
We must, and we will, defend Bush from this dreck!

Dear Eva, dear Eva, illegally paid
the special interest groups keep Kerry’s spot stayed
attacking Our Leader, good man who has made
his life’s work our people, as liberals bayed
“Our rights! And our rights!” (they need to get laid)
without help from our view they won’t fade.

Dear Eva dear Eva, we know you will try
we know you can help and we know you don’t buy
that malarkey from dems who will cheat and will lie
to get their way now. It’s a shame and a sty
but our eyes we must dry
as our time, it is nigh
(2K4 we will win by a landslide, not tie)

and you, dear Eva
you, dear Eva
with pen or with cash, with plastic or “Gosh,
Marc, just take what you want!
I’d rather be broke than have liberals haunt
my dreams with their illegal spending all night
as they infiltrate precious bedrest with this plight!”

You, dear Eva, must help us without delay!
Send funds, send a wad, send your billfold today!

[sub]Certain, ah, liberties taken with the text.[/sub]

7

Love it, guys!

BTW, I am also accepting entries in Shel Silversteinian style. Or what the heck, use your favorite poet.

8

Someone want to run with this one?

All the Whos down in Whoville like Freedom a lot
But Ashcroft, oh that Ashcroft did not!
…

“It came without prayer, it came without bibles,
It came without homophophlitiddisnibles!”

9

Ezra Pound:
Billions of dollars, flowing like rain.
Dead bodies litter the ground.

10

I’ll give it a shot. No promises though.

ahem

All the Whos down in Whoville loved freedom a lot
But Ashcroft, oh how that mean Ashcroft did not!
He ranted and raved and he pointed his finger
“IN HELL ALL YOU PORN WATCHING WHOS WILL SOON LINGER”

Now most Whos in Whoville had just one fixation
But Ashcroft had sworn to fuck up the whole nation
He thumped on his bible and damned all the masses–
And the Whos lost their right to gaze at bare asses

“What?!” Cried the Whos in a sob of despair
When it comes to porn-watching, tell us who the fuck cares?
And Ashcroft, mean Ashcroft, a gleam in his eye
Raised his voice to a timbre and looked to the sky

“HE cares you ignorant Satanic nuts”
“When you watch footage of underage sluts!”
“His wrath is great! His power absolute!”
“So don’t go watch movies of illest repute!”

First it was porn, but then the election
And though it all started by way of erection
The Whos lost their Whoville one day at a time
'Til it ran out of oil and fell from its prime.

11

in the style of e. e. cummings

spam mpams mspams
spamspsmaps reblupinacnsmapsma
srpeapmusbplaimcsapna
rrrrrrrrrrspampublispamcan
eeeeeeeeee

spasmapasamaspasmaspamrepublicanSPAmREPUBLICAnspam

12

Emily Dickinson:

Because I could not stop for spam,
It kindly stopped for me.
Not one thin dime shall I give them,
For their hoped-for victory.

13

It’s creepy how accurate that was.

14

Grassroots leaders fight
liberal propaganda groups
in the dark shadows

Such deceitful ads
funded with illegal cash
these groups are airing

And we remind you
You are with us or against us
Open your chequebook.

15

Your country needs you.
Anti-freedom Democrats
will ruin us all.

16

This Republican’s view on spam is that to remind everyone that I’m also in favor of the death penalty. :wink:

I’m getting Democrat spam…I wonder if this is a new “dirty trick”. Last election both sides would post obnoxious rants in the “style” of their opponent and there’s a classic dirty trick (used by both sides) where you hired someone loathsome (a really smelly, preferably drunken street person, for instance) to campaign for your opponent.

That said, if Ginsburg wrote about this:

I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by spam, buried, innundated swamped

digging themselves through the negro e-mail at dawn looking for an angry message,

angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry internet in the machinery of night…
Or Poe:

Once upon download dreary
While I pondered, weak and weary
Over many a quaint and pornographic e-mail of penile lore
While I read it, nearly napping, suddenly some more came tapping
Nigerian scams and political trappings, rapping at my mail-client’s door
“'tis a passing thing” I muttered “Only this, and nothing more”

Fenris

17

Poe, Annabel Lee:

It was many and many a spam I found
On my dial-up P.C.
So my inbox was filled, and soon shut down
By a C.R.E.E.P.
And this mail was sent with no other thought
Than to boost that ol’ G.O.P.

It was a pubbie (and I am no pubbie)
Pushing G.W.B.,
So I mocked the poor fool that sent me spam
I and the S.D.M.B.

18

In the style of famous prison poet Tyrone Green (aka Eddie Murphy):

Republican crap all day and night
Cill that spammer, Cill that spammer
Me give money to Bush?
R-i-i-i-ight.
Cill that spammer, Cill that spammer
G.O.P., you’re such a pain
I’d rather back Saddam Hussein
Please don’t contact me again!

Cill that spammer, Cill that spammer
C-I-L-L that spammer

19

How about something by the Descendents? Sung to the tune (?) of “Weinerschnitzel”

20

Robert Frost:

I shall be telling this with glee
somewhere months and months hence:
I got spam from the G.O.P.
And to me, it made not one whit of difference.