I hope I don’t regret sharing this here. But I have to tell somebody.
I don’t know if my marriage is going to survive. He’s a Trump supporter; he has totally drunk the Kool-Aid. As I said to him about an hour ago. There’s a Trump 2024 banner on our barn. I feel like it’s Germany in 1938 and he’s hung up a swastika. I’m not getting any sympathy from him right now, either, just gloating. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
I can’t advise you on the basic question of what to do, but asking him, “okay, now what do you hope will happen?” could give you some eye opening data to help you make the decision.
If it is any consolation, your situation is replicated tens of thousands of times across our country.
Many many people will be suffering with trumpist SOs or spouses. And have been. As and when the shit gets very crazy, then the USA comes to its senses you’ll be able to say “I told you so”. Only you can decide how long you can hold your breath for that day. Which day may not come until after most of us older Dopers are dead of old age.
I can tell you that back in January I left an unhappy (but short) marriage. Not over politics, but over general “I do not understand how your mind works. And I don’t much like what little I do understand.” Now 10 months later & divorce legally complete I know it was by far the best decision of my last 20+ years.
IME/IMO being unmarried can be far far better than being married to a problem.
I do note you mentioned having a barn. Which suggests you live at least semi-rural if not even farther out. That location can be an obstacle to finding non-trumpist friends of any sort.
Once a MAGA always a MAGA. Men are the backbone of maga and many have forced the koolaid on their women who drunk it to save the marriage. Kudos on you for resisting.
BUT you’ve had since 2016 to get used to your maga man, since 2016 to open his eyes. NOW you don’t what you’re going to do? What can you do what will you do? NOTHING!
Sorry I’m pissed at the world rn.
Run away from him, somebody like that is physically dangerous to be around. And he’s already hostile enough to you to gloat at you.
If gloating was the standard for impending domestic violence, about 90% of married couples should separate today. And not just due to men doing the gloating over [whatever]; plenty of women are expert gloaters.
IMO your advice is waay over the top.
When the gloating is about a right wing misogynist taking power and women’s rights being stripped away yes it is a warning sign of violence.
Again, this is happening this morning 11/6/24 in literally millions of households.
Now maybe MAGA really stands for “Men Are (all) Going (to go) Apeshit”, but I doubt it.
Will the USA’s future course include more domestic violence than it would have had trump never lived? Yeah, probably. Does that mean every woman should run from every trumpist man? No.
Consider the counterfactual, that Harris had won last night just as decisively as trump did. In that alternate reality, how many frustrated trumpist husbands will be violent to their wives? Don’t forget the RW propaganda MAGA machine won’t stop just because trump lost (or even when he eventually dies.)
You are more important than your marriage. Do what you think is best for you.
That is wisdom.
Everyone on both sides is certainly going to be very excitable for the next few days / weeks. Whether and when that settles down remains to be seen.
If there’s actual danger, don’t debate, just flee. If there’s discomfort make a serious assessment of pros and cons as they affect you, and only you. Then act promptly and resolutely on your assessment.
Is this the only problem in your marriage? Or is this just the most visible at the moment?
Go tear down the trump banner. Say you live there, too.
His reaction will guide your choice.
This. The decor, cleanliness, appearance, features of the home you share together are a “two yes, one no” situation. Just as you wouldn’t arbitrarily paint the house hot pink without agreeing, the banner isn’t something you both agree to, and should also come down, regardless of the politics of it.
And yes, the response is where any decisions about the marriage will get made.
Sorry you’re in this position.
Agree completely … in principle.
I believe they’ve been married for years. If so, how they do collective decision-making is already well-established. Which may be very different from the ideal “2 yes; 1 no”. Maybe she has carte blanche indoors and he has the same outdoors. We don’t know.
My point being that how she approaches this problem inevitably lays on top of how she / they have handled all previous problems. Which may be a history of cooperation, or of ultimatum meets doormat in one direction or the other. Handling this situation differently than the bulk of their joint history is unlikely to be successful, and especially not in these first heady days for the wackos.
Exactly. I can’t even say it embarrasses me, strictly speaking, because no one else has a problem with it. Now, back in 2016, he wanted to put a Trump sign in the yard, and also one that said “Hillary for Prison”. I resisted the second one, and got him to remove it. But this time around, I didn’t feel strongly enough about Harris or Biden to insist on anything.
Der Trihs, as others have been saying, where would I run to?
WalterBishop: Funnily enough, everything else is okay. But when he starts on his pro-Trump propaganda, it’s like he’s possessed.
LSLGuy again: Yes, married for 25 years, together for 30. And I have decision-making power in a lot of things. But when it comes to Mr. Rilch + Trump, I feel like I’m facing down a tank.
One thing I did come to realize last night. I wasn’t all-in on Harris, these last three months, and I was never all-in on Biden. Plus, I left the Democratic Party years ago, and joined the Green Party, for reasons mostly having to do with the Dems not caring enough about the environment. Since then, I’ve been doing plenty of petitioning about emission standards and the like, but little if any politicking. And almost the last thing Mr. Rilch said last night was,
“If you want to rejoin the Democratic Party and campaign as hard for a new candidate as I’ve been doing for Morrissey [Rep governor; he won last night] and Justice [Rep senator, also won], I’m not gonna stand in your way. But what’s you’ve done for Harris is…nothing! So what are you so upset about now?”
Also, LSL, that last paragraph helps.
A post was merged into an existing topic: Everlong88 Cornfielded Posts
Thank you, Everlong.
Oh, and just to clarify:
By that, I don’t mean that he’s wild-eyed and threatening. “Possessed” meaning he reminds me of an old-fashioned medium, talking non-stop while supposedly channeling a spirit. Like his words aren’t his and someone’s talking through him. So I’m not afraid on a physical level, but I’m looking at him and wondering “Who IS this person?”
This? This is your brain on too much conservative media.
I’m truly sorry.
I don’t know. But I genuinely fear for your life if you stay.
You know that old adage, don’t make any major decisions/big changes in the first year after a spouse dies? (That’s obviously imperfect advice at best, but it’s not entirely wrong.) I feel like something similar applies here. Not for a full year - that’s much too long.
But give yourself a few weeks to adjust to the shock before you take any precipitous steps. (Assuming he isn’t violent, but it seems he isn’t.)
Can you appeal to his humanity and say, “Look, we’ve been together for 30 years, through good times and bad. I’m genuinely hurting right now and while I don’t ask you to change your political views because of that, as your wife I’m asking for a little kindness. Please don’t gloat or try to talk politics right now; could we spend an evening [doing something non-political you both enjoy]?”
If you appeal to him as a partner/compassionate human being and he scoffs at your request for understanding, then you probably have your answer as to what to do.