I don't love him anymore! (long, need advice)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My thoughts are a little jumbled today, so hopefully I can get everything out and make it all make sense, so bear with me!

As some of you may remember from my previous threads, I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a year and 7 months. We broke up on September 7th so it’s been nearly 2 months. There wasn’t really one particular reason why we broke up, but a combination of things just built up and never got resolved, and I reached the point where I didn’t want to deal with it all anymore. He also moved to Oklahoma City (I’m in Kansas), which wasn’t the reason why we broke up but it surely didn’t help the situation.

He and I (we’ll call him Fred) have been trying to keep contact with each other, but it’s really hard on him because he is 100% NOT over me, while I’ve already moved on to the next stage of my life. Almost every email he sends me says something about wanting to get back together with me, and how much he misses me and how he regrets the way he treated me while we were together.

Anyway, on to last night. I was at my house with my two best friends just watching TV and hanging out. Fred called my friend’s cell phone, and asked to talk to me. I don’t have a cell phone. So we talked for a while, everything was okay, then he has the balls to ask, “So, where are you really? are you really at your house with your friends?” He feels like he has to know where I am at all times now I guess. We had an hour-long argument over the phone, where he alternated from screaming at me, to crying, to badmouthing me, to begging me to come back.

Here’s a little bit of background information: He didn’t treat me badly when we were together, but he treated me like I would always be there no matter what happened. When we were around his friends, I was flat-out ignored. If I tried to go talk to him, he’d say something like, “I’m talking to my friends, go hang out with yours” which really pissed me off. He is kind of a “rebel without a clue” - he’s all about the confederacy, and he’d yell at the news on TV and badmouth certain racial groups. He is very serious, and not very funny at all. We hardly ever went out and did stuff, and when we did we always just hung out with his friends. He really is a good person though, when we weren’t fighting he treated me very good. He could be very romantic and kind. I was very much in love with him, and there was a point in time where I thought we were meant for each other and would be together forever.

But anyway, here’s what is going on now. I am dating somebody else. We’ll call him Bob. Bob has been a good friend of mine for a couple years, he’s extremely funny and nice and he’s always been there for me. Bob and Fred know each other. They aren’t really “friends”, more like good aquaintances. I think the only time they ever hung out together was once, about a year ago. Last night on the phone, Fred got extremely upset with me because “I was dating his best friend”. He’s grasping at straws here, and it’s upsetting me. He said that I am in denial, because I really want him but I’m pretending that I don’t. He said that it could never work out between Bob and I because “he’s not my type”. Fred even said that he would move back to Kansas to be with me. That’s when I really started to realize that he is not okay, he’s not okay at all.

He said that if I gave him a second chance, he’d do anything that I wanted. Thats not what I want someone to do for me in a relationship. I don’t WANT someone to chang their entire life for me. He needs to be his own person and move on. I know he’s in pain, because I’ve felt it before and it’s the worst feeling in the world! I just don’t know what to do anymore! He said that I’m holding on to him by a thread so that if things don’t work out with Bob and I, that I can have Fred back. That is total bullshit. I’m not leading him on, and I’ve flat-out told him that I don’t want to be with him anymore. It would be nice to maintain some sort of a friendship with him, but apparently that’s not working so well.

So what do I do? How do I get him to see that I no longer want to be with him? Is there any way I can help him get over this? I care about him more than I do most other people, and it truly kills me to see him like this. It’s all stressing me out quite badly, and I need to know what to do!

2

would you rather we replied here or emailed you?

3

Either would be fine - I know that he doesn’t read this message board so there’s not really a chance oh him seeing this. My email is in my profile though, and I check it all the time.

4

ok

well “fred” seems to be fairly confused in all this

so it could be that hes not sure whether you two breaking up was the right thing to do. when he found out you were going out with bob the basic male jealosy instinct came into play so he convinced himself he still wanted to be with you and therefore is trying to break you up. hes trying to use any means he can.

your worried because you dont want to see him in the pain he seems to be in which menas you still have feelings for him, this doesnt mean that when he says your in denile he is right because unless you have a very very messy break up you generally retain feelings for people, also you said you tried to stay friends which would be another reason you wouldnt like to see him in pain.

he says he still wants you and you are leading him on but youve told him you dont want him so you arent.
(this is mostly me trying to work out what youve said into my words if ive completely missed the point can you email me and tell me my address is on my profile)

if you help him to get over you and it seems hes over you by helping him you may have made him more attracted to you by offering help in his time of need and so he may be over you for a while but then start trying to get back together with you again after a while which would put you back in the same position.

Have you straight out told him you are not interested or jsut hinted at it?
if ive completely messed up any advice or misinturpreted the situation or generally just got it wrong email me and tell me, same if you dont understand what ive said

thanks

5

Any time he starts talking about getting back together, shut down the topic of conversation. Tell him simply that it’s not going to happen, and that him talking like that makes you feel uncomfortable. If he persists, cut off the phone conversation. And I know it sucks, but if he keeps it up you might have to stop the friendship entirely. What kind of a friend treats you like he’s been treating you?

6

Seems to me that keeping in contact with him is the worst thing you could be doing. If you really are through with him, quit talking to him, quit emailing him, quit communicating with him.

At least that’s what I’d do. Take the free advice for what it’s worth…

7

So he’s an abusive bigot – be glad he’s out of your life. Guess what? In loving relationships, you don’t fight all the time.

8

You’ve got to be cruel to be kind. Shut him out of your life.

There’s no kindness in hanging a man slowly, or letting him up for air once in a while when the final objective is to drown him.

9

Yeah, thats kind of what I think is happening. It’s really hard for me to want to cut all contact with him though - he was my best friend for nearly 2 years.

I guess that’s what I have to do though. It’s just really hard to see him like this. But whenever I think about how much I’m hurting him, I think back to the times where I was in his position, and I got no sympathy at all.

10

It seems to me that Fred was only being your best friend when no one else was around. Not about doing anything as a couple, unless there was nothing better to do. His friends came first - when you needed more of his attention, he refused.

And he’s all about the control - that emotional rollercoaster on the phone? Testing each emotional button to find the one that worked.

He is emotionally abusive. Run. He’s a big boy - he’ll figure it out. You can’t make him do anything. Any contact with him is just feeding his control - “If she didn’t still want me, why did she send the email”.

You’re in a better place now. Stay there.

11

What should you do? Hang up up the damn phone!

12

I have to agree- time to shut out communication. I’ve come that close to doing so with my ex- he was never controlling just needy. I thought I was clear in our phone conversations for 6 months after our breakup that we were not getting back together, but finally he was acting so hopeful about it (again) that I just said " I just want you to know how happy I am now that we are no longer together, I value your friendship but its clear that you still want to get back together and that CANNOT and WILL NOT be happening. I went on to re-emphasize how unhappy I was when we were together and I also made a point of saying that I would have left him eventually despite the “reasons” (like him being out of work for a year and being an alcoholic/drug addicted dependant) because we were not meant to be together. He verbally recognized what I said and even thanked me for being “clear” with him. Whether that was ironic on his part or not- I don’t know- but it did make him back off alot. Now, when he calls, we talk about things that interest both of us and not about the future of our relationship. Last phone call I got was a message that he was moving back here- not thrilled about that but now I know what words to back him off with again if necessary.

He is not controlling though, at least not on the phone- a bit passive aggressive in a relationship though… the feeling I get from your description of the conversations you are having with your ex is that he is beyond reason now and needs to just be cut out of your life.

13

No one else has mentioned this, so even though I am not a friend, I will.

This man could be dangerous.
You need to develop a safety plan.

And you are showing classic signs of an enabler:

[bold mine]

That really gives me the chills.
Normal people do not yell at the news a lot (I know this because I do it); if he looks down on ‘certain racial groups’ there is a damn good chance he looks down on women (I’ll see if I can find some backup for that); people with no sense of humour usually have no perspective or balance (personal observation); abusers usually try to isolate their victims.

How is he a ‘good person’?

In fact, almost every line in your OP scares me, but I won’t parse it line by line. If you were not blinded by lust for this person, I fear for you; this is not a person to associate with.

There is something else that some-one should tell you: talking on the phone for an hour while you have guests is rude. I would have hung up on my mother. And she’s dead.

14

when you were going out with fred did you ever feel:

15

Don’t know how old he or you are, and I’d hate to wager a guess, but it sounds to me like Fred is way, way too immature to even be in a meaningful relationship. That goes for if he’s 40 or 15, by the way, but from your portrayal of him, I’m getting a sort of profile in my head of either an emotional infant or an emotional cripple. He sounds like a high school tough guy who hasn’t gotten beyond treating a girlfriend like a possession. You say

but I’m guessing these instances were in private, when he had nothing to lose (and maybe more to gain) by treating you with respect. Again, that’s my uninformed, inexpert opinion, but if it’s true, he’s not worth the two minutes it’ll take you to read this post. It’s not hard to give somebody the respect they deserve, and you can’t love somebody without respecting them.

I would argue that if he treated you like that, that’s treating you badly. Again, sounds like he didn’t give even a modicum of respect to your stake in the relationship. Hell, sounds like he didn’t give even a modicum of respect to you as a person. And then when I read

I said to myself, Yep, no respect.

It’s not an uncommon occurrence, really. Guy acts like asshole, assumes he has some kind of right to his girlfriend, girl gets fed up, guy says “Oh baby I love you so much, give me another chance, I’ll do anything” The thing is, if you mean so much to him that he would do ANYTHING for you, why couldn’t he give you the most freakin’ basic gift of all- attention? When things were going good between the two of you, where was that “I’ll do anything” attitude? Another WAG here- nowhere to be found. When a guy can’t speak to you in the presence of his friends, he’s an asshole. It can’t be as simple as that, but then, it is. He’s an asshole.

So my advice, based on my wild assumptions, is as follows. Treat him like he deserves to be treated. Tell him you don’t love him anymore, and if he can’t deal with that, then the two of you, from this point onward, shouldn’t and won’t be communicating with each other.

My final assumption of the day- you seem like a real sweetheart, and genuinely concerned about not hurting him. He’s not worried likewise, I gather- you don’t need that kind of abuse (and his behavior sounds somewhat abusive). Further, you don’t need to rationalize getting past that abuse. All you owe to him is an explanation of how you feel. Once you’ve explained that, you’ve done your part. I know it’s hard, but try not to soften everything when you talk to him. Not everything is meant to be soft, and some things, hurtful or not, need to be said. He’s an emotional dead end- get on with your life, and let him and his buddies jerk off to their pictures of Stonewall Jackson.

Sorry about that last part. I couldn’t help myself.

16

Another vote for banning him from your life. This type of behavior belies an anger inside him. This is dangerous.

I know it sounds harsh, but that’s life. Your are going to feel bad about this. It’s going to eat at you. But, you will end up healthier and happier in the long run. Besides, like you implied yourself in the OP, it’ll be better for him, too… IF he decides to move on.

No need to be rude. No need to apologise, either. Just cut off all contact. 5 minutes ago.

And keep in touch here. We care, and some of us can help you through this.

17

Yet another vote for cutting him out of your life immediately, and being very very alert for escalation, possibly to violence. He may not have ever hit you, but what you describe is the classic pattern leading to physical abuse. Including the “he could be so romantic” (when taken with everything else as a whole). As NoClueBoy said, stay safe and stay in touch.

18

One more vote for giving him the heave-ho.

You don’t love him. Frankly, it doesn’t even sound like you really like him much – or at least you haven’t described him as a likeable person. He is unwilling or unable to be “just friends” with you, and his pressuring of you is bothering you, bothering your new boyfriend, and, let’s be honest, is a little unsettling.

Furthermore, you are not doing him any favors by continuing contact with him, when he takes that contact as a hopeful sign that maybe, someday, you’ll get back together with him. It may sound cruel, but it will actually be kinder to him for you to stop communicating with him entirely, so that he gets the very clear message that you are gone and he needs to move on.

The next time he called, I would say something like “Our time together was very special while it lasted, but now it’s over. I’ve moved on, and you need to move on, and it doesn’t seem like you’ve been able to do that. So I’m sorry, but I don’t want you to call me anymore, because it’s upsetting to me and not good for you.” And then I would refuse to talk to him anymore, much less see him.

And one last thing: I’m not saying this is you – I don’t know you – but a lot of younger women IME seem to kind of like having a guy eat his heart out over them. It can make a girl feel very attractive and in demand to have someone who apparently just can’t let go. I’ve been there, and in my secret heart, it was a little flattering – am I truly that amazing, that this guy can’t get over me? The answer is no, I’m not; no one is. And a guy who can’t let go is a guy who has problems, either minor (if he really doesn’t have a life without you, how sad is that?) to major (he’s a stalker). In either case, he’s probably in some pain – maybe quite a lot of pain – and the kindest thing you can do is to cut him loose, and to do it so firmly that he understands he needs to move on.

My O, FWIW.

19

Thats really true. It was never like that until pretty far into our relationship though, but it still sucked when he changed. Thats kind of how it felt - that I was the backup, and that as soon as he was done hanging out with his friends, if there was any time left, then he could hang out with me. I remember one time in particular that sticks out in my mind. He told me he would come see me at 10 p.m., and thats when he came over. At 11, he said that he had to go home. The next day, he told me that he went out with his friends and stayed out until 6 in the morning.

I’m 17, and he is 18. He is a high school tough guy. He’s in college now, and he refuses to get out of the high school state of mind. He is the most social person I have ever met in my life - he’ll have 20 minute conversations with store clerks he’s never even seen before - but he acts like he can’t make any friends in Oklahoma.

Thats what I told him. I said “If you love me so much, why didn’t you act like it while we were together?”. I don’t think he’s an asshole though - I just don’t think he knows how to handle the situation at all

I don’t like it at all. I can see what you mean though - it would be awesome if he felt like this while we were together, but it just seems pathetic to me now. And it makes me feel pathetic, because there was a time when I acted like that towards him. It would make me very happy if he would just move on. We had something very special together, and I’ll never forget the good times, but just because it’s over doesn’t mean he has to dwell on it forever. He’s got his whole life ahead of him. Things that happen at 18 don’t normally have a big impact on the rest of your life.

Thanks for everything, the advice I get on this message board really means a lot to me. My friends give me great advice too, but sometimes a fresh perspective is needed, and someone else can give you a good slap on the head and snap you awake. Anyway, I tried to call him earlier to finalize things, but he wouldn’t answer. I very much want to say

That’s something that would be easy for me to say, and not so harsh on him as a lot of other things that I could say. Very good advice, thank you all. It means more than you know.

20

I think you probably realize what you need to do and just needed some help and support reaffirming it, and you’ve found it here. As others have said, end the relationship–not just the dating one–as soon as possible. Some people simply cannot be “just friends” after being something more. Yes, it may hurt that you someone you cared about is out of your life completedly, but in the end, it will be less hurtful to you both to end it cleanly and finally.

I’ve seen people (including close friends) end relationships with people such as the one you describe, and sadly, they seldom let go easily. Consider it a very good thing that you live so far apart. His phone conversation already sounds like he’s stalking you–at least there’s some distance between you to keep it from escalating to a physical level. While I hope it isn’t the case, I wouldn’t be surprised if you and your friends end up having to change e-mail addresses and phone numbers to make the break final. I also second the motion that you plan for your safety. I only say this to prepare you for what you might face.

Last thought: Even if you still care for him and don’t want to see him hurting, your safety and well-being (mental and physical) have to be YOUR number one priority.